Choices (42 page)

“He explained. I understood at first. I was so overwhelmed at seeing him and trying to be sympathetic…and we had sex and afterward I regretted it because I should be so mad at him, shouldn’t I? I should never want to see him again, right? Why don’t I feel that way? I’m so confused.”

“I can’t answer that question, sweetheart, only you can. Well, you know me, I’d have him tarred and feathered and then I’d ask questions.”

“Part of me wants to but part of me
just wants to put all this behind me and move on already. Enough. Let’s plan this menu for the baptism and I’ll try to forget the unexpected, beautiful orgasm I had early this morning with a person I missed, loved and trusted.”

“You had an orgasm, already, Laurel, I’m impressed
. It’s only been a week and it is only eleven o’clock in the morning to boot.”

“Well, don’t be, I’m not.”

While I was getting ready for Noah’s services, I was wary that maybe Brandon might show up unexpected. Well, wouldn’t that just be absolutely perfect.
Secretly, I was hoping and wishing it would be absolutely perfect if he did show up.
Damn, why do I do this to myself? .
We managed to get through the service without a hitch, with my sisters standing in as godparents, and traveled to our favorite local restaurant which has a separate banquet room to hold the festivities. I tried to avoid Helen and my sisters as much as I possibly could because the three of them could read me like a book. I was standing over by the bar chatting with Joni when Liz and Lisa made their way over to us. I sucked in a deep breath and prayed for whatever God could spare me, strength, courage, patience, the ability to lie through my teeth.

“Hi, sweetheart, how you holding up?” Liz asked.

“I’m okay.” I smiled over my glass of wine.

“What can I get you?” The bartender asked Liz and Lisa.

“Oh, I’ll have a glass of red wine and an orgasm with a handsome stranger, you up for it?” Lisa asked with a questioning eyebrow. I never saw anyone blush so quickly and so ferociously.

“UH…I can provide the wine, the orgasm, well, I’m not sure about.” The bartender walked away to get her glass of wine.

“Jesus, Lisa, even I’m not that irreverent and I’m can certainly make people uncomfortable.” Joni giggled while she sipped her drink.

“God, Lisa, really. You embarrassed the hell out of that poor kid. He’ll probably never bartend again.” I giggled with
Joni and Liz.

“Oh, c’mon Laurel, it is fun with the young ones…isn’t it.” She raised her eyebrows at me.

“I see you’ve been talking to Bonnie. Shit!” I shook my head and looked down at my feet hoping the floor would crack open and swallow me whole.

“Okay, Laurel, what’s going on?” Joni asked as Liz crept closer.

“Apparantly, Laurel, had a visitor the other day from what Bonnie told me.” Lisa nudged Joni

“Laurel, no!
You didn’t tell me. What? Huh? I’m confused. What happened?” Joni covered her mouth and her eyes watered.

“Yes
I did and I don’t want to talk about it.” I ran to the ladies’ room and they followed right after me.

“Jesus, what is it with the ladies room? Can’t a girl get some privacy?”

“Laurel, honey, are you okay?” Liz asked as she put a hand out to fix a curl that came lose from my slightly messy twist.

“I’m fine and I really don’t want to talk about it, about any of it anymore. It’s done. We’re done. I’m done. I’m moving on and that’s it. I don’t…” The door opened and
surprise, surprise, the afternoon just got better and better; in walked Brandon. I dropped my glass and the girls played a game of head tennis - flipping their heads between me and Brandon.

“Oh, fucking hell! What are you doing here?
And if you haven’t noticed you’re in the ladies room.”

“
You’re here. And yes, I know I’m in the ladies room. Laurel, I want to talk to you.”

“Yeah, well, not going to happen, especially here in the ladies room. Get out!”

“You’ve been saying that to me a lot lately.”

“Well, I mean it.” I was shaking now and doing my damndest to stop the waterworks, no such luck.

“Look Brandon, maybe you should go. I’ll…” Joni stepped forward to gently push him out the door.

“No!” He said with
a look of complete authority that belied his age.

“Brandon, really, I think Joni’s ri
ght. I think you should go.” Lisa moved forward to join Joni and Brandon just crossed his arms and said no again.

“Alright, enough with the tough guy act, jack ass, back up the bus and cruise out the door you drove it in before I call the police.” Lisa was edging closer to him now too and I realized suddenly that I had to put a stop to this or someone was really going to get hurt.

“It’s okay. It’s alright.” I turned and spoke to my sisters and my friend. “I’ll talk to you but…” I pointed a finger in his face.

“But what?”

“I’ll talk to you and that’s it!” I said that out loud more to convince myself then to alert him of my intentions.

“Listen, Lisa, Liz go on. It’s alright. I’ll be alright. Let me talk to him. Joni, could you check on Noah for me and re-direct the ladies to the other bathroom? I’ve a feeling this is going to take awhile.” I watched the gi
rls nod and walk silently past Brandon. Of course, Lisa couldn’t help herself and had to give him a shove as she did so. I gulped and knew this wasn’t going to be pretty, as I looked into Brandon’s eyes and saw nothing but sheer determination. The same intense knock-your-panties-off look of determination that reminded me of a scud missile the first time I met him. I knew I was in trouble now for sure.

He
lunged for me and had me smashed against the cold tile of the ladies room wall. His feet were planted firmly outside of my own legs, straddling my own legs, his arms were outstretched on either side of my head and I could feel his breath on my face. He smelled faintly of cigarettes and beer…
cigarettes?, I thought, Brandon didn’t smoke.
Not only could I see the anger seethe and swirl in his beautiful eyes, it permeated off of him in waves that if I wasn’t crushed into the wall behind me, I would have been knocked down by the sheer intensity of his strength and his anger. His erection throbbed and wanted attention as well as his anger. He looked menacingly beautiful as though he wanted to eat me alive and I was going to enjoy it.
How dare he I thought. How dare he!! How dare he come into this bathroom and act as though he has a right to be angry after what he did to me and all this nonsense during his son’s baptism. Bastard! Oh, the bastard! He truly was too, wasn’t he?

I raised my left hand and struck him hard against the side of his face. His eyes were welling and he didn’t even flinch. He just ground his pelvis into mine and whispered my name… “Laurel?”  “You bastard! Get out!” When he didn’t budge and continued to grind into me I raised my right hand and struck him across the other side of his face. He bit his lip and sucked in a breath that time, but remained still, motionless, controlled. His eyes radiated desire and longing and yearning for understanding.  I raised my left hand again as if to strike. Brandon caught my wrist instead. He grabbed both of my wrists and raised my arms outstretched over my head against the cold tile wall. “Enough.” He said and then closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against mine and whispered my name again as if he were asking me a question, as if he were asking me to forgive him… “Laurel?” I could feel his warm breath, feel his throbbing penis, hear all the questions in his voice and the way he said my name. I was crying now, crying so hard my makeup was running, my head was spinning and I was so torn between anger, desire
that was molten hot between my legs, and a willingness to suspend my hurt, suspend my frustration and confusion, just throw it into the toilet next to me and flush it away.
Damn him, I thought, for the millioneth time, since he slammed me up against the wall, damn him, I’m losing control again, how does he do this to me?

“God, I hate you!”
I snarled against his face.

“I know.”
He pressed even closer

“I’m so angry with you I could spit!”
My snarling was less intense now.

“I know.”
Closer still he pressed.

“Well, if you know so goddamn much why don’t you say something other than
I know
, you bastard!” I raised my voice.

“I can’t.”
He pressed harder and retreated ever so slightly

“Why not?”
Now, I was whispering because his movements were taking control over my body, dampening my anger.

“Because I’m waiting for you to forgive me.” He sighed and kept his eyes closed and his forehead still glued to mine but this time he lowered my arms and his. He gently raised a hand and ran it through my hair.

“I don’t know how to forgive you. I want to. I don’t think I should.” I whispered again.

“Then why don’t we start with
you telling me what you do know.” I gulped and swallowed hard. Jesus, I thought my feelings for Paul were complicated. This was it. It was now or never. It was say my peace or be forever burdened with it, forever thinking of what if…

“I know” I trembled with a slight sigh, “I know that you’re under my skin, you’re constantly in my head and you crawl through my stomach making it flip and twist with every thought of you.  I can’t take a walk in the woods behind my house without it evoking every waking memory I have of you. The fragrance of the woods smothers me and welcomes me and embraces me and makes me think of you. It stops me cold in my tracks and I want to drop to my knees and bury myself in the smell of pine and earth until you come back to me. You live inside my heart and every beat it makes I hear you say my name. You live inside me in ways I’ll never understand, in ways that ma
kes me hate myself, because it makes me lose control. I hate you for that.”

“Why?”

“Why?” I asked incredously back to him.

“Yes, why, is that a reason to hate me? Those reasons sound like the same reasons I love you.” His eyes were still closed and he was still, quiet, waiting.

“Because you hurt me, Brandon.” I was trying hard not to cry again.

“I know.” I shoved him away this time but he didn’t even budge! “Would you stop saying I know!” His eyes were still closed, his body still slammed into mine. His hands were now on either side of my neck and his thumbs were caressing softly, slowly.

“Laurel, I’m going to tell you what I know. I know that you hurt me by lying to me. I was crushed and swore I would never open my heart again…ever. You destroyed it, all of it. But once I found out I had a son every pain, every fear, every ounce of anger I held onto evaporated into thin air because I realized that I had been blessed with two amazing gifts: one the love of an incredible woman, and two, a new soul that’s part me and part of the woman I love more than anything in this world. These were my gifts from God to love and nurture. I also know that this woman I love so much is incredibly stubborn, sensitive and a complete control freak and if I can help her realize and understand that I’m sorry and my intentions are pure, organic and come straight from the heart, and that we could have a beautiful future together, with our love at the center of it, and our children benefiting from that love. I know I need to work really hard to convince her of that and I know that once she believes me and trusts her heart and learns to let go of her control we can be together, always and forever. If my memory serves me correctly I even think that’s a song she loved when she was a teenager growing up.  I know she’s afraid of not being in control, I know she wants to love me and forgive me because I can feel it in her body, the way it sings to me when I touch her and take her and make her mine. I hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes. It’s her mind that’s fighting her. It’s what she believes should be the right way, the neat and tidy packaged way that holds her back, keeps her a prisoner, and keeps her heart under lock and key. It should be the way everyone else wants her to behave, but I know this woman and I know that’s not what she wants. I know she wants me and she loves me. She’s just afraid of losing control, she’s just afraid to surrender herself completely and totally. I know this woman has been hurt many times but I also know that I’m the one standing here. I’m the one whispering to her. I’m the one holding her. If she truly didn’t want me she wouldn’t be standing here. She’s not fighting me, she’s waiting as I am for what her answer’s going to be. Please, Laurel, let go. Let go and surrender. Let go and live with your whole heart not just half of it. I’m waiting for you. Give up the fight and let me love you, love Noah, love Vanessa, Brielle and Jakie. Let me in. Please. Let us be a family. Let us have a future. You hold my entire life in your answer, in one simple, little word that can either crush or elate me.” He was crying now. I could feel his tears mingle with mine. I could taste the salt of them and I was reminded of our first weekend together at the beach. God, I was so tired, so tired and yet incredibly weightless as if my burdens were yanked out of me. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulled him to me, crushed my lips against his while I mouthed the word yes. Yes.

“What’s with the cigarettes?” I asked suddenly as I gently pulled away from him.