Choices (39 page)

“What’s that, Paul? Saving my life and the baby’s wasn’t enough?” I almost screamed it.

“I’m going to find Brandon and bring him to you.” And with that he was out the door, leaving me grasping for words once again.

I was released from the hospital two days later. The girls came and helped me pack up and get settled at
home. Bonnie called work for me and told them I had the baby and about the kidnapping and the subsequent events that followed.

“Wow, I wish I could have seen the look on your supervisor’s face. I could hear her jaw actually hit the floor of her office.” She laughed as she unlocked the front door. Joni was in charge of the baby and she made sure I was taking care of myself. I packed up our belongings from my room which wasn’t much. I wanted to ask about Kristy but the lump in my throat and
fragile hormones just wouldn’t let me do it. Joni sensed what I was feeling and whispered in my ear as we walked through the door, “Just give her time, she’ll come around. She’s just focusing her energy on Emily right now and getting to know her.” I smiled through my tears and acquiesced.

“Surprise!!” yelled my three favorite little people who really weren’t little anymore especially after this incident.
The pain and fear that occurs during one’s lifespan changes people, even little ones and maybe more so, making them tougher, more resilient, more capable of making difficult choices.

“Oh, you’re here! I thought the three of you were with Daddy. Oh, come here and give me a huge hug! I’m so happy to see you.” Jake and Brielle came running into my arms but Vanessa just stared at me with eyes
- huge like an owl’s brimming with tears.

“Mommy, I’m so happy you’re home and feeling better. I want to see the baby. Yeah, I finally have a brother. You know it took you long enough! I’m tired of playing with Brielle and Vanessa. They don’t want to play what I want to play and they’re always forcing me to play dress up…gross!!!! Now, I can play race cars and Beyblades and legos and ride bikes…”

“Hold on there, you do-do head! You’re such an idiot! The baby can’t do any of those things yet! He’s a baby!” Brielle informed him as only a prepubescent girl can.

“Shut up!”
He yelled.

“Right! Well, I can see some things just never change do they. Brielle go easy please, Jake’s excited about the baby being a boy.”

“Yeah, well, I am too, you know, I’m just not an idiot like he is.” She stuck her tongue out at him.
              “Oh, Brielle, please enough! We all just walked through the door. Let’s take the baby upstairs and place him in the bassinet in my room. Brielle, you can be in charge of the baby monitor and Jake you help Aunt Bonnie and Aunt Joni with the unpacking.”

“Why does she get to
be in charge of the monitor? I want to do that?”

“Because Brielle’s older. Your turn will come, patienc
e. If you’re a good listener then your turn may come sooner than you think.”

They proceeded upstairs in a maelstrom of shuffling feet, squealing voices and lots of questions. I have such good friends but right now my oldest daughter needed me more than anyone. I turned to face
her and smiled sheepishly at her. I wanted to open my arms to her but I didn’t want to push. I can always count on Vanessa for being blunt, direct and to the point. She must be spending too much time with Joni.

“You almost died, you know.”
The tears were getting larger and threatening to spill out and over.

“Yes, you’re right. I did almost die.”

“You would have left us alone.” Her voice was cracking and she was beginning to sway.

“No, sweetheart, you would never be alone. You have Daddy, Aunt Liz and Lisa, Mom-Mom, Aunt Bonnie and Joni and Aunt Kr…” I cleared my throat and ran fingers through my hair as I sat on the couch. I patted the cushion next to me for her to sit down and join me. She refused.

“I’m sorry you were scared and felt alone.” She shrugged. “My intention was never to get hurt. I just wanted to see, well, never mind…” I waved a hand in the air as if to erase the events of the past week when she took a few steps toward me and lunged herself right into my arms, taking me totally by surprise and making me wince with pain. She began to weep uncontrollably in my arms, sobbing and clutching. I enveloped her and spoke the universal, silent language of motherhood. I did what mothers have been doing for centuries when their children were in pain, hurt, scared and confused.  I began to rock. I whispered reassuring words of comfort that mothers ages before me did.

“I was so scared! I thought you were
going to die and the baby too and it was going to be all my fault. All my fault!” She sobbed and choked against my good shoulder.

“All your fault? H
oney, how can you say that? What was all your fault? You have nothing to blame yourself for, nothing, do you hear me? You did nothing wrong, sweetheart.” I pulled her up and smoothed away the hair that clung to her blotched tear stained face and held her gorgeous face in between my two hands, wishing desperately to ease her pain and confusion.  “Where on earth is this coming from? Where did you get the idea that my accident was your fault?”

“I was…” She choked and threw her hands up to her face to cover it. I moved them away and looked directly into her eyes.

“Vanessa, sweetheart, talk to me. None of this is your fault.”

She sniffed and slowly pulled her
hair behind her ears. “I was so mad, Mommy. I was so mad at you and the baby and Brandon that I…” She started crying again, harder this time.

“Go, on, honey you can tell me. You can tell me anything
. I’m listening. I’m here. I love you. Please, tell me. You were so mad that…” I actually had an inkling of what she was going to tell me, knowing my daughter and once being a thirteen year old girl myself, I wasn’t going to put words in her mouth. This needed to come directly from her heart so she can heal it with my help.

“I was so mad and hurt that I wished you, Brandon and the baby were dead.” She fell into my lap and sobbed again. I smiled to myself and heaved a deep bone weary sigh.

“Oh, Vanessa! Those feelings are so normal to have when you’re confused and upset.” I rubbed her back and smoothed her hair. “Just because you wish them in your head doesn’t make it come true. If that were the case Mom-Mom, Aunt Liz and Lisa would have been dead years ago, believe me when I tell you! I’m the one who should be apologizing, not you. I made you grow up faster than you needed to. I placed things on your shoulders that you shouldn’t have had to deal with and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between me and your dad. I’m sorry you felt ashamed and embarrassed about me and my ever expanding belly. I’m sorry you had to walk in my shadow of mistakes and live with the consequences of my choices. I’m sorry I made things difficult for you. You have grown to be such a beautiful young girl Vanessa with such an enormous heart and I hope that heart is big enough to forgive me.” My tears were flowing blurring my vision. I could only sense that she was starting to relax through my hands rubbing her back. She sat up and looked at me.

“It wasn’t my fault that you almost died?”

“No! Never!” I shook my head and curled my lips underneath my front and bottom teeth and pressed my lips together until they were white I’m sure. “Can you forgive me? Can you forgive my choices, my mistakes?” I choked back more of my own tears.

“We all make mistakes, isn’t that what you tell us all the time? Don’t you tell us that life is all about the choices you make, some are good, s
ome are bad but either way they’re yours and that’s the beauty of life. The fact that we all have free will to succeed and to stumble, but whether you kiss the pavement or soar with the eagles, you hold your head high and move on, just keep moving on.”  This time I couldn’t hold back my tears. I looked at my daughter and wondered when she grew up and how did I miss it?

“You are amazing, do you know that? Amazing! How did I ever get so lucky to have such an insightful and profound daughter?” I smiled
and enveloped her in my arms and swore I would never, ever let her go.

“I love you Mommy and I’m so happy you and the baby are alive.” She whispered softly into my ear.

“I love you too, Vanessa, more than you’ll ever know, more than you’ll ever know.” I murmured and stroked her long soft hair and felt the knot of muscles in her back ease and relax. Thank you God, I whispered silently; thank you for this precious moment. I promise I won’t waste any more of them…ever!

The next two days were a blur of activity and settling into routines and schedules, getting back into the swing of things. I decided to set up shop in the basement. I just didn’t feel comfortable in my room anymore. I slept in the basement with Noah. I set up his bassinet with Vanessa and Brielle and even Jake’s help.

“Mom, are you sure you want to sleep in the basement? You’ll be so far away from us. What if something happens?” Vanessa looked at me with eyes slowly starting to fill with tears. I engulphed all of them in a huge hug and told them I was perfectly safe and everything will be just fine. I kissed the tops of their heads and sent them upstairs to get ready for bed. That night I decided to take out my journals. It had been awhile. My journals are almost as precious to me as my children. They’ve seen me through happy times, sad times, times of heartbreak, excitement, selfishness and utter despair. My jour
nals are an extension of my physical body. To me they’re the sadness I choke on or the anger that sometimes consumes me or the happiness that astounds me at times. They truly are a part of me. I’ve been writing in them since I entered adolescence. I’ve saved pages. I’ve ripped pages apart. I’ve even burned pages. They’ve helped me figure out what to do next, when to be patient, when to speak up and when to act. My journals have taught me patience, gratitude, humility and respect for myself. Now that Vanessa is thirteen I need to introduce her to the art of journaling.

To explain the past two weeks is extremely difficult to do. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the entire shape of events. So much to digest and so much to keep me utterly and completely distracted. Wow, I was shot, I had Brandon’s baby, my husband opened up his soul and now I’m a single mother and I lost my dearest friend in the world. It’s a little harder now that I’m a little older, alright a lot older. My maternity leave is covered and I’ll be able to recoup some sick leave as well due to the gunshot. That’s still hard to comprehend as well. I’ll have about three months and then I’ll need to make arrangements for Noah once I get my schedule figured out. Vanessa and Brielle are over the moon and will be a tremendous help. Jake is so adorable just wanting desperately for Noah to grow up and play ball. And every time I look at Noah I see Brandon’s blue eyes and his thick wavy hair. There isn’t an ounce of me in that child at all. He looks as though Brandon spit him right out of his own mouth. I’m crying now and ruining the paper of my journal. I can keep myself together during the day when I have lots of little people and my thoughts are distracted and focused on them. It’s at night when the tears escape. I have no words to comfort myself this time. No words of wisdom to share with myself. My heart feels as thought it’s shrunk. My chest feels wider, emptier. I think of something Brandon said to me during one of the few short nights we were able to spend together, ‘Laurel,’ I can hear his whispered voice in my head. ‘Laurel, trust in a higher power that will lead you to great things. Whatever that higher power is… it lives within you too, tap into it, grasp it, squeeze it and never, ever let it go. Oh, but Brandon I did let it go and I know it’s never ever coming back.

The next morning dawned new and fresh and clean. I woke with rock hard breasts in between the four hours of sleep I got. I nursed baby Noah, returned him to his bassinet, jumped into the shower and headed upstairs to wake up the other troops. Just a regular, normal day in paradise or so I thought.

“Bye Mommy. Kiss baby Noah for me and get him ready to play.” Jake squealed as we made our way to the bus stop.

Brielle rolled her eyes and I had to clamp a stiff hand onto her shoulder
- to no avail. “How many times do I have to tell you, you idiot; he is not going to be ready to play anything with you until he’s about a year old.” Jake whimpered and looked at Vanessa.

“I’m sorry big guy but it’s true.” Vanessa hugged him to her side as they continued their walk to the bus.

“Why does everyone keep telling me that? It’s really making me mad!”

“Because do-do head it’s true.” Brielle turned, kissed me on the cheek and the baby’s head and hiked up the steps of the bus before I had a chance to admonish her.

“Bye Mommy.”

“Bye Mom. Be safe.” Vanessa hugged me and helped Jake onto the second bus that came roaring down the cul-de-sac. Once the third bus made an appearance and whisked my thirteen year old off to middle school I made my way back into the house. I refused to go in through the sunroom though. I made it into the house, into the kitchen for all of two minutes when I heard a knock a
t the door and then the door swung open.

“Vanessa, honey, is that you?
I don’t know how you are able to get the bus driver to stop and let you off the bus because you forgot…” I made my way out of the kitchen and into the living room holding Noah who was sound asleep in my arms and couldn’t even finish my sentence. I nearly dropped him when I saw who was there.