Choices (20 page)

When the Jeep turns down the road toward the fraternity house, I sit up straight in my seat. “Brody, I can’t go in there. Please, just take me home.” I can’t imagine running into Declan again tonight.

“Quince, I’m not letting you go home by yourself. His car isn’t even here, and I can take you home early in the morning. Come on, babe.” I know this isn’t a good idea, but he’s right. I do not want to go back to my empty room tonight. I can’t be alone with my thoughts just yet.

The house is mostly empty as we walk through. There are a few guys in the TV room, but they barely notice us as we walk by. Once I’m inside Brody’s room, I finally let out the breath I’ve been holding.

Handing me a t-shirt, Brody undresses completely and slides into bed. I change clothes, send Jenna a text, and turn off the lights. When I lie down beside him, he pulls me close, his arms offering reassurance. “Night, Quince. Try to get some rest.”

A few tears escape my eyes while I wait for sleep to claim me. As I drift off, I repeat these words over and over.

Brody loves me. We’ll get through this.

Chapter 41

When I wake in the morning, my throat feels like sandpaper, and I can barely open my eyes. I carefully unwrap myself from around Brody and sneak out of bed. I need to wash my face and go to the bathroom, but there is no way I’m leaving this room alone. I can’t risk running into Declan and rubbing salt into his wounds.

I stare at myself in the mirror on Brody’s wall. My face is so swollen, I barely recognize myself. I’m not sure I even know who I am anymore. “Don’t torture yourself, Babe.” I jump as Brody’s words startle me. “I told you. Declan and I are guys. We’ll work it out. He’ll get over it. We just need to give him some time.” I really want to believe him, but the worry in his eyes betrays him.

I am about to do something I have never done. “I’m not going to class today.” I just can’t face Declan yet
. I go back to bed and crawl over to Brody, laying my head on his chest.

“Sure. I
can dig not leaving this room all day.” The touch of his hands on my body begins to awaken something inside of me. I am appalled that I can feel like this right now, knowing what I’ve done. But I need this. I need him.

Rolling over on top of him, I sit up and straddle Brody’s hips. His blue eyes darken, and he looks up at me
with desire and maybe something else. I can already feel him under me, and I adjust my hips so that he fits between my legs. “Oh, Quince, there is so much I want to show you.” He groans when I move my hips against him. His hands encircle my hips, guiding my movements. I lean down to kiss him, my lips trailing from his jaw, down his neck. I even nip his neck with my teeth as he raises his hips to meet mine. He pulls my shirt over my head, leaving me exposed to him. Reaching between our bodies, he rips my panties off in one quick movement.

He slides his hands up my body to cup my breasts. His touch is so gentle, barely whispering over my skin, but it’s pulling me closer to the edge. There is nothing between us, and I can feel him pressing against me. When I raise my hips above him, he adjusts himself, guiding me onto him. This is a new sensation, but I feel empowered as I move my hips. He groans and arches his back off the bed. “God, you feel so good, Quince.”

Brody’s hips rise off the bed, as he guides me into him. We jump headfirst over the edge... together. When I lay down on top of him, he suddenly stills beneath me. “Babe, we didn’t use anything.”

“It’s
OK. I’ve been on the pill for a while because of irregular periods.” I really hadn’t known it would make that much of a difference. But it was my way of saying I trust him. Saying that I’m still his.

I hear his breath escape his lips. “Whew. That scared me for a second. I would never want to do anything to hurt you.”
I love him, too.

When we clean ourselves up, he leaves to go get breakfast. I watch an episode of The Real World while he is g
one, and I wonder where they find these people.
You can’t make this shit up.

When he comes back, we sit in bed t
ogether and eat our bagels. I get dressed while he watches, and for the first time, I’m not self conscious. I need to get home, but I’m afraid of running into Declan. I chew my lips as my nerves get the best of me.

“Quince, stop.
I checked, and he isn’t here. As a matter of fact, the house is mostly empty. We can walk out any time, and no one will see us.” I am relieved for now, but I feel like a criminal, sneaking through the house and out the door.

As soon as we pull up in
front of Baxter, I jump out and blow Brody a kiss. He pretends to catch it and press it to his smiling lips.
Cheesy but so, so cute
. I didn’t know he had that side to him.
I can’t believe he ripped my panties off. Again.

Going upstairs, I undress and shower first thing. I wish I could wash the guilt and shame down t
he drain along with my tears. I cry for the boy whose heart is breaking, and I grieve for what might have been. Now, I will never know.

Jenna left a note on my dresser.
‘Gone to Asheville! Have a good time at home. See you Sunday.’ Gosh, even her handwriting oozes excitement. I smile when I remember our conversation earlier this week. I hope this weekend is everything she wants it to be.

I nap and watch TV for the rest of the day. For a brief moment, I feel guilty for missing class, but I will have to face the world soon or later. And I will.
On Monday.

Finally, I decide that I just can’t face my family right now. I have enough problems of my own, and all I need is a Katie freak out. P
icking up my phone, I call home and hold my breath.

“Hey, Quincy!”
My mom answers the phone, and I’m relieved I won’t have to explain anything to Katie.

“Hey, Mom.
I don’t feel well, so I’m just going to stay here this weekend. Maybe next weekend?” Not exactly a lie, but guilt still eats at me.

“Awe, honey, I hope you feel better soon. Do you need anything?” The concern in her voice almost changes my mind. But I know my heart isn’t in it, and I need some time to myself.

“Just some rest, Mom. I’ll call you when I feel better. OK?” I hang up, glad to have that out of the way. I’ll just have to make sure I make it home next weekend.

Brody loves me.
Just the thought of it is enough to cause my heart to race against my ribs. My lips curl into a smile, but deep down, I know I don’t deserve this happiness. I can’t let Brody lose his friends because of me. But he doesn’t even seem to be concerned about it.

Declan hates me. And no matter how much I wish I could, I can’t change anything.
I’ve really screwed everything up.

My phone rings, and I am bummed to see Katie’
s name. Assuming she wants to give me a guilt trip, I send her to voicemail. I barely have time to lay my phone down before she calls again. I send her to voicemail and set my phone to vibrate.

A text alert wakes me up just as I am about to doze off.

Brody: Did you make it home OK?

Me: Decided to stay here

I figure I may as well be honest with somebody. Mom thinks I’m sick. Jenna thinks I went home.
And Declan thought I was ‘innocent’
.

Brody: I’m on my way 2 get you

I read his message and sit straight up in bed. What?

Me: Staying in 2night. No worries.

Brody: I’m 5 min away. Meet u outside.

Darn, I should have known better. Of course he’s coming to get me. I jump up and change into some yoga pants and a t-shirt. Not much better than my stained PJs, but at least I’m presentable. I brush my hair and teeth and run downstairs.

I spot Brody as soon as I burst out the door. He is standing outside, leaning agains
t the passenger side of his Jeep. He is breathtaking. And he loves me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.

As soon as he sees me, he opens his arms for me. I run straight to him, gaining strength from his embrace. Maybe I am happy to see him after all.

“Is everything OK? Why didn’t you go home?” His eyes are full of concern.
I’ve just wrecked his life, but he’s worried about me?
Maybe I just don’t understand men after all.

“I’m fine. I just didn’t feel like going home, you know?” I shrug my shoulders, hoping he doesn’t ask any more questions. I just don’t have the strength to answer them.

“I don’t want you to be alone. Come on. Jump in.” He helps me up into the Jeep, and runs around to get in. He doesn’t say where he’s going, but I recognize the road. He’s taking me back to the fraternity house with him. I immediately stiffen and sit up straighter in my seat. He must notice because he reaches over to rub my knee. “Don’t worry. They all went out to a club, and they won’t be in until late.” I sag in relief, but I know we won’t be able to keep doing this.

“OK. Just for tonight, Brody.
After tonight, no more sneaking.” The guilt just keeps piling up. He doesn’t say anything but nods his head as if he agrees.

When the Jeep pulls to a stop, I look down at my phone and see two more missed calls. Katie.
What the heck?
I’m going to have to call her back tomorrow. I’m sure she’s going to bless me out for not coming home, remind me how selfish I am.

We watch a movie, and I am so exhausted, I fall asleep halfway through the movie. I hear Brody turn off the TV and
feel him snuggle in next to me. As he spoons my body, he whispers, “Love you, babe.” I smile and drift away.

Someone is calling my name. I think I’m dreaming, but
Brody is shaking me awake. “Baby, your phone is ringing. It’s your mom.” When he hands it to me, my eyes adjust to the darkness, and I manage to read the time. 3:00am.

I sit straight up in bed and say, “She’s dead.”

Brody sits up behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “What? Babe, I think you were dreaming. Answer your phone.” A sense of dread penetrates every cell in my body. For a moment, I think that if I don’t answer it, I can hide from the truth.

“Mom?”
Please, please don’t say it.

“She’s dead, Quincy. Oh, my God, Katie is dead!” The air rushes out of my lungs, and I cannot speak. I open my mouth, but no words come out. Brody shifts
in the bed, turning on a lamp. Finally, catching my breath, my incoherent words catch on a sob. My mother’s anguish bleeds through the phone, and I have no words of comfort for the woman who brought me into this world. For a moment, I cannot hear anything. I have been expecting this call for most of my life. But it is now that I realize that you can expect something but never really be prepared for it.

I close my eyes and hope that when I open them, I will be just waking from a nightmare. My mother’s frantic words penetrate the fog. “Quincy, did you hear me?”

Finding my voice, I yell, “No! Please, no!”  Tears begin rolling down my face, and Brody wraps his arms around me. “What happened, Mom?” Every breath is a conscious decision.

“She did it! She killed herself!” When she begins to cry, I lose it. Brody pulls me to him, but I push him away. I fight him. I do not want him touching me. All I really want to do is run. The more I figh
t, the more he holds on until I finally can’t fight any longer. I relax into him, and he takes the phone from my hand.

“Mrs. Priest, this is Brody. I’m a friend of Quincy’s. What do I need to do?” For one insane moment, I have the irrational thought that my mom will know where I am and what I’ve been doing.

Pulling a pillow to my chest, I fall back on the bed and cry. I don’t hear the rest of Brody’s conversation because the sounds of my own cries echo within me. When he hangs up, he lays down behind me. Pulling me to his chest, he whispers, “Quince, tell me what to do. Tell me what you need.”

Without thinking, I say, “Declan.” His arm slac
kens, and I feel the bed shift when he stands. Pulling on his shorts, he walks to the door. He pauses to look at me over his shoulder before he walks out.

I hear him knock softly on
Declan’s door, and when the door opens, he says, “Quincy needs you.” Raised voices and muffled talking. And then, “In my room.”

“What the hell, dude? What did you do to her?” Declan is angry, but he rushes to me. Pulling me into
his arms he pleads, “Quincy, I’m here now. Talk to me. What’s wrong?” I wrap my arms around his body, burying my head in his stomach. Even here, I find no comfort.

“Declan, she did it! Oh, my God! She did it!” And those words make it all real.
I scream. In pain, in torture, and in anger. I scream because I cannot do anything else. Clutching me to him, he lifts me in his arms and carries me across the room. As we pass Brody, I catch a glimpse of his face. He is so worried about me, but his body suggests something more. His shoulders droop, and pain flashes in his eyes. He looks broken.

In more ways than one, I know my world will never be the same.