Choices and Illusions (24 page)

have said, or how we should have responded, and these rehearsals

are just as glamorous in a “Hollywood” sense of the word as they

were when we were children. This glamorous perspective seeks to

make heroes or heroines out of us. It is a game the famous philoso-

pher Krishnamurti called “One-Upmanship.”1 All too often, it is a

“get even or get evener” response that seeks to claim some victory, at least in our minds, that is rehearsed. like a child, some seem

tethered to the notion that their worth is fragile and best redeemed at the expense of others. In other words, if I make someone else feel inferior, then I have established my own superiority.

It is a strange world we live in when the criteria for establish-

ing one’s self-worth are based on the subtraction method. Subtract

from John and Sally and luke, and we somehow gain? The mature

adult quickly recognizes the fallacy inherent in this kind of thinking. The circular nature of getting even or “getting evener” creates a world of insecurities and distortions, both in the physical and

the mental. R. d. laing has stated that the condition of the normal man is one of self-alienation.2 laing continues with strong words

that are altogether too true, insisting that man pretends to be what he is not until he loses what he is.

The truth is that whenever we denigrate another, we subtract

from ourselves. To the precise degree that we make less of another, we make less of ourselves. Further, this precedent subtracts from

all of humanity’s potential. Humankind’s unkind tolerance for

unkind deeds perpetuates only unkindness. Thus, fear itself is fed

both by the acts of unkindness and by the inherit circularity of

getting even.

What We Resist . . .

Here is a Taoist saying: “What we resist we become.” In our

resistance to being mocked, ridiculed, criticized, or in any other

142

Choices and Illusions Interior.indd 142

6/20/13 3:41 PM

the Subtraction Game

way treated in some undignified way, we create the very thing we

desire to eliminate. We choose to “fight fire with fire,” and in the end find ourselves burning away our own dignity and potential.

All of this begins with our mental rehearsals, most of which arise

from scenes right out of some television or theatrical presentation.

Hollywood heroes and heroines of the kind who are portrayed in

get-even events may make cute sitcoms, but not serious role models.

Remember our flowerpot story? Can you imagine a Hollywood

production that portrayed such a thing? Have you ever made such

a mental rehearsal? Think about it this way: Of the potential out-

comes in the various scenarios, which one is going to make you feel good 20 years later? Which choice is going to feed your character,

your esteem, and your integrity in years to come? Which will sub-

tract from your sense of personal well-being?

The box many find themselves in is

self-defining and confining.

Thinking out of the box, so to speak, is the kind of thinking all

of us must do if we are to get out of the box. The box many people

find themselves in is self-defining and confining. The walls of the box are fear, anger, lack, and the like. Some circle the walls, pacing like trapped animals, failing to look up from their feet enough to

see just how easy the walls are to step over.

The walls of the box are

fear, anger, lack, and the like.

The longest journey, lao-tzu stated, begins with a single step.

Recognizing the walls for exactly what they are and how they got

there is the first step in freeing ourselves. deciding to step out of the confines of “the same old, same old” is the next step. It is a new, genuine choice. It is a change in beliefs.

Belief is a powerful force. Belief makes a sugar pill a powerful

medicine. Belief leads sane people to do insane things. Belief can

enable or diminish the human potential. The belief that it’s okay

to get even, which is almost a social custom, is a destructive belief.

Most of the beliefs many of us hold have been inherited, and often

143

Choices and Illusions Interior.indd 143

6/20/13 3:41 PM

CHOICES AND ILLUSIONS

they are chicken-yard beliefs. Changing our beliefs may be the

most empowering and most difficult aspect of personal growth.

Self-limiting beliefs are exactly that—self-limiting. For years I have referred to such beliefs as “value norm anchor points,” and they can truly be anchors. Merriam-Webster defines
anchor
as “something that serves to hold an object firmly.” As discussed earlier, belief anchors exist everywhere. They arise from many facets of society.

They can be shown in popular sayings, even seen on bumper

stickers, such as “Money is the source of evil” and “Thank God it’s Friday.” What do these beliefs do? TGIF essentially communicates

how much we hate our work week. Characterizing money as evil

says, “I like evil and want it” or “I don’t want it!” Think about the sayings you know and perhaps use. What do they communicate?

do they speak of abundance? do they address your real desires? In

other words, do they serve you?

If prosperity is something you seek, will you obtain it if in the

back of your mind is the idea that it will corrupt you—that you will become evil? If excellence in the work place, maybe a promotion,

is what you seek, will TGIF get you there?

Most people hold beliefs that are mutually exclusive. That is,

they seek prosperity and believe that prosperity is evil. At some

point in their lives, the conflicting beliefs challenge one another.

Because this dissonance is typically unconscious, the stronger

belief wins. Our beliefs are strongest if fear is attached to them.

So, the “biggest” fear wins. The marvelous book and movie
Harry
Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
portray a scene in which the only magic that can overcome evil is derived by calling upon a powerful memory of joy and love. When Harry finds that love-joy mix,

he is able to dismiss the evil, but only then. This is a powerful,

true-to-life metaphor. The only force stronger than fear is love.

Somehow, though, the John Wayne “Fill your hand, you son of a

bitch” metaphor is given more value in real life than “whatever you do unto the least of thy brethren.” Why is that?

Again, it is the circularity of fear that perpetuates itself and,

unfortunately, infects altogether too many people. Building self-

worth, then, begins by examining both one’s beliefs and one’s fears.

144

Choices and Illusions Interior.indd 144

6/20/13 3:41 PM

the Subtraction Game

Aspects of Love

Love
is a soft word that would-be macho types could have difficulty dealing with. It is not used here in the romantic sense, but as an alternative to anger and fear. A helping deed done without

an eye to reward is an act of love. A kind word is an act of love. A reassurance in time of need can be an act of love. Kindness is love.

Behind my former offices is a small waterway that handles

runoff. It usually has some water in it year-round, and birds gather there early in the morning to drink. I used to find a gentleman

there every morning when I got to the office before 7. He had an

old automobile and dressed in old clothes—but every morning he

was there with two or more loaves of bread, feeding the birds. This one man has made this small area, perhaps a quarter of an acre, a

unique heaven on earth for the local birds. His kindness is an act

of love, but if you met him, a rather large, rough-looking man, you might be put off by background thoughts (beliefs), and it is unlikely you would see him as the gentle man he is. The word
love
may be out of vogue for those who need to prove something, but it never

is for those who know who they are.

There are three basic elements to nonromantic, unconditional

love. The first may surprise you. It is quite simply awe. Children

fall in love with everything. little ones love the noise of a new toy, the motion of the wind, the majesty of a tall tree. They find awe

in almost everything. Awe brings a glow to their faces and puts

laughter on their lips. They can cry as though they have lost their dearest loved one when a toy breaks. Their innocence is not the lack of critical mental abilities as is so often thought. Their innocence truly sees the beauty, the joy, and the awe in so much of all that surrounds us each day. Awe is the realization that simple explanations do not begin to address the beauty of a rose, the words of a talented poet, the myriad faces that smile back at a smiling face on a busy

street. Awe is the wonderment that empowers and ennobles the

human spirit. Awe recognizes the miracle behind every breath we

take. Awe sees the glory of creation for what it is, an unexplained event of monumental, even ineffable, stature.

145

Choices and Illusions Interior.indd 145

6/20/13 3:41 PM

CHOICES AND ILLUSIONS

Unfortunately, our chicken-yard training tends to diminish

awe with explanations, so we learn about darwinian evolution

and the big bang theory, but our teachers fail to share with us

that neither one is proven or fact. They are but the modern, albeit scientific, stories we tell our young people, and of course, we scoff or laugh at myths taught generations ago that told the story differently. We are not told that only dnA can create dnA and that,

according to some, the original elements necessary to create dnA

did not exist in the soup that was present on earth when life sup-

posedly just appeared from nothing.3 We are not told that the big

bang theory has undergone many revisions just to avoid the old

Unmoved Mover
arguments (Aristotle’s assertion that the first cause was intelligent and did not require an efficient cause outside of

itself, and thus he referred to this cause as the Unmoved Mover.)

We learn many things this way, and therefore we dismiss their

beauty and awe. We turn our lights on and enjoy the electric ser-

vice, knowing where electricity comes from but failing to recognize that even science has never explained where electricity truly comes from. Oh, we can give an electron a name and explain most of its

behavior, but electron jumps and other anomalies are simply left

out of the teaching. If we don’t understand it, the rule is to ignore it. So long as something can be named, then a certain familiarity is born and, further, a sense of knowing what something is by knowing what it is called. This is not elegant, nor is it a deliverance from the so-called noncritical abilities of a small child.

Awe is everywhere if we stop to sense the world around us.

love begins with a capacity for awe. Awe has many synonyms,

including
humility,
which is a character asset that can be cultivated in our beliefs. The character aspects of each of us ennoble the

human condition.

Another basic element in love is empathy. The trite but true saying

“Unless you have walked in another man’s shoes” is an outward

expression of the empathy we can seek to encourage. Merriam-

Webster defines
empathy
this way: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing

the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another . . .” or “the

capacity for this.”

146

Choices and Illusions Interior.indd 146

6/20/13 3:41 PM

the Subtraction Game

The third element is best stated in a question: Am I attached to

the outcome? Unconditional love is not attached to an outcome.

Giving love to another is not an instrument of negotiation. All

those times you may have heard something like “If you loved me,

you would ” may have unconsciously conditioned you

to expect quid pro quo from love, but that kind of love is a quasi-

contractual obligation. Unconditional love is not bargained for.

When given, it is not given with an eye to indebtedness. Uncon-

ditional love is simply love—with no expectation or attachment

to any outcome.

You may ask, as I once did, is it possible to give unconditional

love? Is it possible to love someone—a child, for example—and not

be committed to an outcome for that child? After all, parents want

many things for their children. If the love is truly unconditional, then it survives even if the child leaves home and wants nothing

to do with the parents. As in the biblical story of the prodigal son, the love remains. It is said that God loves us all this way, and where there may well be something God would have had us do differently,

God’s love never abandons us.

True self-esteem comes from what we give,

not from what we take.

In short, we build esteem by adding, not by subtracting, and

we add most when we add from unconditional love. When we

go to the aid of another, and do so without an eye to what we

might get out of it, we add both to our worth and to the worth of

humankind in general. When we give love without condition—no

strings attached, so to speak—we add again both to our worth and

to that of another. True self-esteem comes from what we give, not

from what we take. It comes from the walk we walk, not from the

things we say. True self-esteem builds character, not ego. It is, after all, the act of being who we really have been created to be. Further, our intention to give unconditionally creates a field that generates opportunities beyond the scope of selfish intentions.