Choices (4 page)

“Paxton, let’s take a breath and calm down a little bit. We need to talk through this and try to understand the other person,” Dr. Keeler interjected. Paxton looked over at her and saw that she was trying to control the situation before it escalated.  “Jenny, what do you think about what Paxton has said?”

Paxton watched her mother. She could tell that her mother was carefully formulating her answer.

“She didn’t care about me, only the loss of Ella,” Paxton bit out.

“That’s not true!” Jenny interjected before Dr. Keeler said anything. “Yes, I blamed you. I let that get in the way of me being your mother and watching out for you. I’m sorry Paxton, I should’ve been there. Jack should’ve been there. We failed you, not the other way around.”

No one said anything for a few minutes. Paxton stared out the wall of glass. She stared at the people passing by.

“What’s going through your mind right now Paxton?” Dr. Keeler asked.

“I don’t know how to respond to that. I am my mother’s own flesh and blood but I feel like I let her down as much as she did. All I can think about from that time is that Duke was the only one that I could turn too. The only one who did check on me. He tried to stop me from going to the bars, even though he was grieving for his wife. My family should have been there to help me, to help Duke. Now I am torn between two men that want me, Jack and Duke. Fuck both of them right now.” Paxton wasn’t sure where the anger came from. How can she say that about Duke? Duke was there but she was so confused. She didn’t want to hurt Duke, but Jack still consumed her and it killed her.

Her mother’s voice brought her back to the session, “Jack was your husband, he was there for you at the funeral, how could you turn to Duke or say Jack wasn’t there?”

“Jack wasn’t there! He disappeared and stayed at his office for long hours. He stopped comforting me weeks after the funeral. He isn’t as perfect as you make him out to be. He has his faults in this. How am I supposed lean on him when he wasn’t there, how am I supposed to lean on family when they disappeared on me?”

“We were grieving. We-”

“And I wasn’t?!”

“Ok, let’s take a break and collect ourselves,” Dr. Keeler interrupted. “We need to talk about this calmly and not blame each other.”

Paxton got up and went to get a bottle of water from the mini-fridge that Dr. Keeler had in her office. She took a drink and stood away from them, her back turned to them. Her heart ached for Jack but her mind was playing images of him leaving. She just wanted to be with him even though her mind was trying to reason why they shouldn’t be together. She turned to come back when the timer went off.

She looked over at Dr. Keeler who sighed.  “We will pick this up next time. I think we have several talking points.”

She saw Dr. Keeler and her mother stand. They shook hands and Paxton smiled over to Dr. Keeler. They confirmed their next appointment and walked to the car in silence. 

The silence continued until they got to her mother’s house and Paxton was on edge now. She put car in park and her mother turned to her. Paxton looked over at her.

“It’s been a long day. I think I just need to relax. Can we reschedule dinner to another night?” Jenny asked.

“Sure, that’s fine.” Paxton felt a pang of disappointment. Maybe what she said earlier was too much for her mother and they really couldn’t repair their relationship.

She watched her mother get out of the car and head towards the door. She didn’t even turn and wave. Paxton waited until she at least got inside before heading back to her own house.

She pulled in and saw Duke’s truck was sitting in the driveway. She wasn’t sure she could handle seeing him right now. She put the car in the garage and grabbed her purse. Duke opened her door for her.

“Hey beautiful.”

“Duke it’s not a good time,” she rushed passed him into the house.

“What happened at your session?”

“When did you get back from your conference?” Paxton wanted to change the subject. She didn’t want to talk about the session with Duke, she didn’t even want to see him right now. He only made things harder.

“I touched down a few hours ago. I just got back in town and decided to swing by and see you. I figured you would be home right about now. I thought maybe we could do dinner or something.”

“I can’t tonight.”

“Not even if I have a surprise for you?”

Paxton looked at him over her shoulder as she walked into the house, it was obvious she wasn’t going to get the alone time she needed. She dropped her bag on the counter and turned, “What surprise?”

“Wait here.”

Paxton watch Duke run outside. A few moments later he appeared in front of her with an envelope in hand.

“What is this?” Paxton tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as she took the envelope.

“Open it. I think you will like it.”

Paxton looked at him skeptically then opened the envelope. She unfolded the paper and it was an invitation for the E. Avery Gallery to come to an art charity event in New York, New York, more specifically, The Pierre. She knew it was a five-star hotel and over the top beautiful. She had seen pictures of it before and seen it once from the outside when she was in New York with Jack.

“When I went to New York for my conference, we were told about this charity function at the end of the month right before New Year’s. I told some of the sponsors about the gallery and they said they heard about the gallery before and you all were on the list. I am letting them auction off some of Ella’s landscapes that I own. I showed them some of her work and they loved it.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Paxton couldn’t believe the charity event wanted their gallery to attend, the day’s events were forgotten as she felt giddy about the event. “Thank you! I will have to see if Ryan can go.”

“You’re welcome. I thought getting out of here for a while would be good for you.”

Paxton stared at the invitation. This could be great exposure for the gallery. Duke just turned her day around. “Want to go out and celebrate? I can see if Ryan can join us.”

“How about just you and me?” Duke slid closer to her. Paxton turned and put the invitation on the refrigerator.

“It’s not a good idea,” Paxton turned back to Duke.

“Pax, Jack is not coming back. You haven’t heard from him since the art gallery opening. He’s moving on and so should you.”

“I told him I needed a little bit more time. Maybe that’s what he is giving me right now.”

“He’s not!” Paxton was taken aback. Duke hadn’t raised his voice like that in such a long time. She stared at him and there was a look of pity on his face.

“How do you know?” Paxton waited for a response but he said nothing as he looked away. Paxton knew he was hiding something.  “How do you know that we aren’t going to be together?” No response. “Duke, tell me. What do you know?”

“He’s with Kenleigh. I saw him when I was at my conference.”

Paxton gasped. She shook her head. She thought back to the night of the gallery opening. She wondered if Jack misinterpreted her when she said she needed more time. Did he think she didn’t love him anymore? Was he really with Kenleigh now?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you but I don’t want you wasting any more time on him.”

“You’re lying. I think I would have seen something by now if it were true.” Paxton knew it wasn’t true because she looked him up every once in a while. No picture of him and Kenleigh ever appeared. There were a few of him and his parents but nothing with Kenleigh.  Duke didn’t know she kept tabs on Jack. She wanted to avoid fights like these.

“I’m not. I went to see him.”

She pulled her phone out of her purse. She dialed Jack’s number. She stared directly at Duke. She would prove him wrong. It rang and went to voicemail. She hung up and tried again. She stared at him and the emotion flickering across his face made Paxton believe he wished he was lying to her. She waited as it kept ringing, voicemail picked up again. He was ignoring her calls. Her heart broke a little more. Duke was right. Jack would have never ignored her if she called twice in a row. She stared at her phone as if it were a foreign object. Paxton didn’t understand what was happening. She felt Duke pull her into a hug. She pulled away.

“Please leave.” Her voice was quiet and she didn’t want to break down in front of Duke. He would only try to stay and smother her. Part of her wanted him to stay but she needed time to digest the fact that she waited too long to forgive Jack. 

She heard the door close. A few moments later, she heard the rumble of Duke’s truck starting up. She was letting the only person who truly cared for her drive away because she was stuck on her ex-husband. She hoped this didn’t damage their relationship but she had to finish dealing with her warring heart and mind. She needed to get her head and heart straightened out with the news of Jack.

FIVE

Paxton woke up feeling drained. Duke never called her last night after he left and she didn’t get any sleep. She walked into the gallery and went to the second floor where her office was. She peeked into Ryan’s office, which was next to hers, and saw that he wasn’t there yet. He had been having problems with his car lately and sometimes he got a ride in. She went and sat in her office. The gallery would be open in about a half hour and she wanted to start making plans for the art charity event. She would look for two of everything because she was sure Ryan would want to go. After all, the gallery was his idea to remember his niece by.

She fired up her computer. While waiting for it to boot up, she looked at the pictures on her desk. There was one every one important in her life. She had a picture of her and Jack. She picked it up and stared at it. It was one that Ella took of them in the middle of her residency. She had on her scrubs and he was in slacks. They met after work at a local diner. Paxton remembered she was on call that week. She had to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. When she left the hospital, she was starving and called Jack and Ella to see if they wanted to meet up. They all made plans on their 3-way call to meet up at the diner. They looked like quite a trio as Ella herself was wearing overalls with paint splotches. She was apparently out and about taking landscape photos that day and didn’t want to dirty up any other outfit.

“Knock, knock!”

Paxton glanced up and saw Ryan peeking his head into the door. “Hey!” She smiled and silently thanked him for the distraction down memory lane.

“I brought coffee!” He opened the door and brought the drink carrier with two large coffees.

“Thanks, I may need it. I didn’t sleep well at all last night.”

“Your nightmares come back?”

Paxton heard the concern in his voice. He knew that Paxton sometimes had nightmares about Ella’s death. Even though she worked through her feelings, every once in a while the nightmares popped up. “No, not the nightmares, just Jack.”

“Did he call you again?” He sat in the chair in front of the desk.

“No. Duke saw him when he went to his conference in New York. He drove up to Bridge Heights. He said that Jack is seeing Kenleigh.”

“Ouch. You doing okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I knew that he wouldn’t wait forever. I just took too long to forgive him.” She gave a tiny smile knowing she was lying to the outside world saying she was fine when she was really torn up inside.

“Well, I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks, how did it go here at the gallery yesterday?” She needed to change the subject away from Jack otherwise she wouldn’t be able to hold the breakdown away.

“Good, we were busy actually. Today we’ve got two field trips scheduled,” Ryan said looking at his calendar on the phone.

“Yeah, I saw that. Should keep us busy, the kids love the ‘I Spy’ game with Ella’s pictures. That was a great idea.”

“It was wasn’t it?” Ryan laughed. “They go nuts when they find the objects.”

Paxton laughed. She remembered the first time they introduced the game. It was a week after they opened when a teacher wanted to bring her kids in. In each room they had to find something in the collection and put what picture/painting they saw it in.

“Oh, Duke also got us invited into art charity event. It’s on the 28th this month. They are going to auction a few pieces that Duke is donating to them. The invitation is for two people. Duke said that we should go. It could be good publicity for us.”

“I have no plans after Christmas. When were you thinking of flying out?”

“I’m looking at flights now. Trying to find some good prices but with the holidays everything is so expensive.”

“Let me know what you find and I will give you my half for it.”

“Ok.”

“Well, I have a few things I want to do before the doors open as well,” Ryan stood up. “See you in a bit.”

Paxton nodded and smiled as Ryan left her office. She looked at her computer and began her search for flights. She only had about twenty minutes before the gallery opened, about an hour before the kids would start arriving.

***

It was halfway through the day and Paxton was already exhausted. The first set of students just left. Ryan offered to cover for a bit with Madeline, their new receptionist/greeter. Paxton decided to pick up lunch for everyone. She went to her office and called an order in to the restaurant on the other side of the mall. It would be a short walk to get it but she needed to escape the gallery and the haunting memories the pictures invoked.

She enjoyed the sunshine as walked through the mall parking lot. Since she had called ahead, she wouldn’t have to wait on the food for too long. They told her it would be about fifteen minutes. She took her time soaking up every ray she could. It was days like these that she was glad she had a glass wall on the side of the gallery. She could enjoy the outdoors without really being outdoors. She wasn’t surrounded by concrete and obscure window views the hospital used to give her.

After paying and collecting the food, she took her time getting back. Her thoughts drifted towards Jack. They used to sit out on the porch or balcony of their room and just relax, soaking up the rays of sunshine. They could sit and talk for hours outside. She just enjoyed being outdoors. The walk back seemed more ominous as her thoughts turned to better days, not that she wasn’t in a good place now but she missed Jack, hell she missed Duke even though she saw him last night. Duke’s silence bothered her.

The short time she was gone, she felt her mood shift. She felt morose, which was the opposite feeling she wanted when she broke away from the gallery to get food. She wanted to feel better, energetic for the next round of kids, but it’s obvious it wouldn’t happen as she handed out meals and headed to her office for a quiet lunch with her thoughts.

It wasn’t long before she heard the squealing of bus brakes again. She just finished her lunch and booking flight and hotel rooms for New York. She threw away her trash and prepared herself to go back downstairs. Paxton just had to get through this then she could go soak in her tub and relax. She checked her reflection and went down to the main floor to greet her new guests.

She reached the main floor and froze in place. She spotted the chaperones and found one of Jack’s good friends when he worked at the high school. Drake Cordova stood in the middle of the kids but his eyes locked on Paxton. He gave a friendly smile and Paxton didn’t know how to react. She quickly recovered as she was supposed to be friendly with everyone no matter who they were and headed over to the group.

“Drake, what are you doing here?” She asked as he pulled her into a friendly hug.

“I was grabbed to chaperone when another dropped out. How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since Jack left.”

Paxton gave her best smile. She didn’t want him reporting back to Jack that she wasn’t coping. “Doing as good as I can be right now. I am dealing with some things with my mother but other than that, just taking it one day at a time.”

“That’s good.”

Paxton felt a weird tension between them. She smiled as another chaperone came up to greet her. She put her business face on and let herself be distracted from Drake and Jack. She didn’t need to fill him in on things when they were there to see the gallery. 

“Alright, if you all head this way,” she directed the group to follow her around the receptionist partition. She heard them all start to follow her but she was nervous. She felt like Drake was staring at her trying to figure out if she was really doing okay.

Once they reconvened on the other side of the partition. Paxton gave her normal speech going over rules of the gallery and how to play I Spy. Since they were older kids, the gallery was going to give three random students a $25 gift certificate to the mall. The students became excited and quickly headed off to complete their tasks.

Paxton watch them go off and quickly scatter around the gallery. She smiled and looked around. She heard some exclamations of pictures that were awesome and cool. She was so proud of the collection she built around Ella’s work. Starting next month they were bringing in a few other photographer collections. Ryan thought it would be a good idea to have Ella as a feature so that way they have her work last longer in the gallery.

“She was amazing,” Drake’s voice broke in. “Her photography skills were amazing. She captured the raw emotion of her subjects.”

“Yeah.” Paxton didn’t know what else to say. She missed her friend and she was looking directly at a picture of her and Jack. It was another stolen moment that Ella captured on film.

“How are you doing without Jack?” He suddenly asked. Paxton wasn’t prepared for him to bring up this subject again.

“Does it matter?”

“I think it does. You two were good for each other.”

“Were being the key word.”

“You still are. I believe you two belong to each other. Don’t give up on him Paxton. You shouldn’t.”

“Have you talked to him lately?” She couldn’t help but ask. Curiosity got the best of her and surely he would know if Jack was with Kenleigh.

“Yesterday.” She felt his hesitation on elaborating. He quickly changed the direction of their conversation as he looked back to the picture, “Think about it. You can’t recreate what Ella is showing us.”

Paxton stared at him. She didn’t know what to say or what Drake was trying to tell her. She stared over at the portrait they were talking about. She felt him give her a slight kiss on the cheek. Paxton watched him walk away and join the students.

Her gaze fell back on the picture and she studied it further. She saw the way she and Jack were looking at each other and it appeared like they only had eyes for each other while everything else around them disappeared. If you thought of a fairy tale love, this picture represented it. In the picture she saw herself curled against Jack. Her head on his shoulder looking up at him. He had a grin on his face as he looked down on her, one hand tucking her hair behind her ear giving a clear shot of her face. They were sitting stretched out in the back of Duke’s truck. They were out in a middle of a field but Paxton couldn’t remember why.

“Look at this one! They look so in love!” A girl squealed as they stopped at the very picture she was staring at.

“Yeah, it’s so romantic. I would love for Oliver to look at me that way,” the other girl commented.

“The owner is so lucky to have a sexy guy like that,” the other girl continued.

Paxton turned and walked away. She needed to get out of there. She made a mental note to take that picture down later. Paxton saw that picture everyday over the last week and a half but now she couldn’t bear to look at it. She avoided every picture on her way to the office. She brushed past Ryan. She walked as quickly as she could, trying not to draw any attention to her. It was like everything was closing in on her at the moment. She just needed to get away. She took the stairs as quick as she could. Her chest felt heavy and she felt the need to get to the safety of her office. Paxton struggled with the last few steps and quickly rushed to the corner where her office was. She felt the tears pool in her eyes and everything was becoming fuzzy.

She closed the door behind her and bent over. It was like someone was sucking all the oxygen out of her. She couldn’t catch her breath. Paxton stumbled over to her chair and leaned over grabbing the arms of it.
Breathe, breathe. In, out. In, out
, she repeated over and over in her head. She couldn’t hold herself up any longer, her legs began collapsing underneath her.  She felt two arms wrap around her. They held her up and soon she was in a sitting position on her saving grace’s lap on the floor. His arms still wrapped tightly around her.

“Breathe, just breath with me,” she heard Ryan’s voice in her ear.

She felt his chest rise into her back and back down. She focused on that.