Chosen Heart (53 page)

“I told you we need to
talk.  If this is where we have to have
this
conversation then so
be it, but you
are
going to listen to me.”  I roll my eyes, folding
my arms across my chest in disgust. 

“I know how this situation
appears, but you have to give me a chance to explain.  You have no
idea…” 

I can no longer restrain my
building fury.  Like a dormant volcano I erupt with rage. “Explain
what?  You want to explain how many times you fucked both of us in the
same day?  How about explaining how you told me you love me just to keep
me from questioning you about canceling on me?  How about explaining how
you’ve been lying to me for weeks?  Explain it, Alex.  I can’t wait
to hear more of your lies!” I scream, throwing my hands in the air as I screech
in agony.

Alex looks like he’s about to
come at me, annoyance, hurt, rage, fuels his emotions.  The look on my
face must have stopped him, because he only took two steps closer to me before
his expression turns to one of frustration.

“First of all, let’s get
something clear.  I was not having sex with her while I was with
you.  I ended that part of our arrangement the moment I started seeing
you.  I would never do that to you.  Secondly, I told you I loved
because it’s how I felt…no, how I feel.  I have never lied to you.” 

Annoyed, I can’t help but choke
on his words.  “You never lied?  Are you serious?  Where is the
damn camera because I have to be on one of those prank shows.”

“What did I lie about?  I
told you that an ex came to my house, didn’t I?  I told you I had a past I
wasn’t proud of.  I also told you when you found out about my past, you
would leave.  Do you see what you’re doing?  You’re proving me
right.”  Throwing his hands up in an enraged gesture, he continues to
stare, his piercing blue eyes locked on mine. “Look at this…this looks like
you’re leaving.”

I look away, playing with the
ring on my finger, not knowing what I’m doing.  I’m so angry, so upset,
so…disturbed at all of this.  He knows he lied; keeping information out of
the truth is still lying.  Why doesn’t he see that?  “You kept
details from me; details that would have made a difference.”

“So you’re saying that if you
knew I was with Arianna before you, you wouldn’t have fallen for me?  What
happened to finding your other half?  What happened to you loving
me?”  Alex voice softens, “Elyssa please…” 

Heart contracting, I feel pain
radiating in my chest as I gasp for air.  Raising my hands above my head,
I lower to sit on the curb next to my car.  Alex approaches and sits next
to me, making an attempt to bring me into an embrace.  I can’t handle his
touch and pull away, refusing him.  His hands were on Arianna’s…my boss,
my mother figure, my so-called-friend.  How could they do this to
me?  How could she do this to me?

Trying to conceal his anger at my
rejection, he backs off.  “I will tell you anything you want to
know.  Just please give me a chance to explain before you completely write
me off.”

Resting my hands on my neck, I
bow my head and whisper.  “You didn’t give me a chance…”

“A chance at what?” he
commands. 

“Making the decision for
myself.  You never gave me a chance to know the whole situation before I fell
in love with you. 
You
fooled me and now I’m the one that’s
heartbroken because you kept secrets. 
You
took our chance away…”

“The day I met you…something
changed.  My world changed,” he interrupts.  I don’t know if I can
handle hearing what he has to say. 
I don’t think you have a choice,
Ely.  There was never a choice.
  “Of course I was attracted to
you and wanted to know what it would be like to be with you, but there was
something else.  I needed to know what it was about you that sparked
something inside of me.  I spent more time with you at work, watching you
to figure it out, and then there it was,” he pauses, searching for the right
words before finally finding his voice.

Alex’s gaze locks onto mine, as
if he needed to profess the truth or he would fade away.  “I could see
you.  You were there, always there; in my thoughts, always in my
head.  I had a dream about you.  You were by my side, walking hand in
hand.  It was the first time I didn’t feel alone.”  Alex grabs for my
hands, and I let him.  Even after all the sadness, I want nothing more
than for him to take me, hold me, and tell me everything is going to be
okay.  “When I woke I knew I had to have you.  That’s why I asked for
you to help me put together the presentation, same reason I followed you to the
bar, why I took you to Red Rock, and why I allowed you to meet my
grandmother…don’t you see…I never treated you as if you were something
temporary.”

Shaking my head, I can’t let him
cloud my judgment with moments that made me fall for him.  I have to
change the topic, before I give in.  He hasn’t told me the most important
part of the story, and I have to know.  “How long were you with
her
…?”

“It was never a
relationship.  You have to know that.  It was just sex.”  He
stops, looking up to the sky, grasping for air and for what I assume is
help. 
He better be asking for forgiveness!
  Before
continuing, Alex takes a deep breath, letting all of his frustration out in one
big exhale. 

“When I started with the company
I was just a mail clerk, barely bringing in enough money to make ends
meet.  My grandmother was still good at the time and not living me with
yet, not that I had very much room.  I networked when I could and only saw
Arianna occasionally, but never had any interactions with her.”  Taking
another deep breath, Alex closes his eyes before proceeding. 

“Soon after, Nana got sick. 
Her medication was expensive and I had no one to watch her while I was at
work.  I was at the point of desperation and needed a way to take care of
both of us.  My pay wasn’t cutting it.”  A tormented Alex peers over
at me, searching for what I don’t know.  Sympathy?  The rushed
statement that ensues is almost unintelligible.  Almost.  “I read on
the internet about male escorts and started running ads.” 

Barely audible and in shock, I
whisper, “You were a whore?”  I can’t help the tears pricking my
eyes.  I really never knew him and that pains me.  There is so much
more to his past than I could have ever imagined.  I continue to bow my
head in sorrow, staring at the pavement below, wishing it would swallow me
whole.  I can’t believe I’m hearing this.  This is so far from what I
thought he was going to tell me, that it’s almost unbelievable. 

Ignoring my question, Alex’s
voice quivers, “Soon, I had a pretty decent clientele established. 
Several regulars paid me well, and eventually started referring their friends
to me.  One of my regulars, Sandy, did just that.  She set up the
entire meeting and it wasn’t until the door opened to an upscale apartment that
I even knew it was Arianna.  You can’t imagine how awkward it was for
me.  I tried to back out of the situation, but Arianna…she still wanted
to.  She offered me a large sum of money and I couldn’t pass it up. 

“Because of our business
relationship, I told myself that it was going to be just the one time.  I
told her I separated my two lives, but that didn’t deter her.  She had
different plans.  At work, she started coming on to me.  Trying to
humanize myself, I explained my situation with my grandmother, and soon after
she started offering me more and more money, more than I could pass up, as long
as I continued seeing her.  You can’t even imagine the weight that was
lifted off my shoulders, after only a few times of being with her.  I
started doing this to take care of Nana, but what Arianna was offering me was
more stability than I could have ever asked for, that I’ve ever known.

“As time passed, she became
possessive and didn’t want me seeing anyone else.  In turn for completely
getting rid of the other women, she offered me a position in Sales, paid for me
to get my license, made sure I had the best accounts that generated the best
bonuses.  I was making money on both sides.”

“She gave you promotions for
sexual favors?” I ask disgust riddled in every word.

“Basically.  But, after I
got the sales position I cooled things off with her.  I appreciated the
opportunity she gave me, but I didn’t like what I was becoming.  I felt
cheap.  So, I concentrated on learning the position and excelling, which I
did.  Arianna paid for me to continue my education, and I went on and got
my Masters degree.  

“When the V.P. position became
available and I applied, she propositioned me again.  She said that if I
didn’t give her what she needed, then I wouldn’t get what I wanted.  Elyssa,
I deserved that position and if it was any other company and any other CEO I
would have gotten it on pure merit, but she had me by the balls.  So, I
began sleeping with her again.  What could I do?” he asks mostly to
himself, resting his chin on his fists. 

“After that I started drinking
quite heavily and I didn’t care.  My idea of self worth was defined by
lies and deals.  Deals made with someone who had too much control. 
This went on for far too long.  She didn’t care what was going on with me
personally, as long as I gave her what she wanted.  That was until I saw
you.”

“Why didn’t you just stop the
fucking
? 
Move on, move away?  Anything to be out of her grasp.”  There had to
be a way.  If I was under someone’s gravity like that, I would fight…no
claw my way out of it.  Even if that meant moving, or changing careers, I
would have found a way.  She can’t have that much pull, can she?

“Elyssa…you have to
understand.  She had me.  I applied for other jobs outside of SHI and
continuously got turned down.  One of the hiring managers was nice enough
to tell me that Arianna called them personally to ask them not to hire
me.  She stopped every attempt.  What was I to do?”

“So, what makes this any
different, Alex?  She still has her claws in you…obviously she doesn’t
want to let you go.  How are you going to escape her now if she didn’t let
you go before?  And what about my relationship with her…God!  She’s
known me since I was a child!  ”

“I told her I fell in love. 
She didn’t know it was you until the night she showed up at my house. 
That was the same night she told me I was going to New York, which I’m now
convinced she planned on purpose.  But, I can’t let her win.”  Alex
tenses, looking at me, searching my face for any sign of acceptance.  I
can’t give it to him.  Not now, not after all of this…

“I need to know you will wait for
me…I need to know there is still hope you can love me.”

Burying my face in my hands, sobs
escape my lips.  I’m besieged by visions of Alex and Arianna together; so
much that my mind cannot wrap itself around Alex’s plea for continued
love. 

“That morning I saw you, I wanted
you from the start.  At work, I saw how lively you were and caring. 
How sweet you were with Janice.  Everyone seemed to take to you. 
Even though I hate Cole, I saw how protective he was over you.  I knew
that you deserved something better than what I was.  I wanted to be the
man you deserved, and knew I couldn’t be with you unless I changed. 

“I can’t change my past,
Elyssa.  Not even for you.  I’m not ashamed, because it got me
through a really low point in my life.  It kept Nana alive, and I can’t
regret anything that has kept her with me.  I wish things were different,
but they’re not.  I just hope you can accept me for the man you fell in
love with, not the man I was.”

I can’t believe he was a
whore…well, maybe not a whore, what do you call a male prostitute?  A
gigolo?  Fuck!
 
I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips.  My boyfriend was/is a
fucking gigolo!  “You had regulars…do you know how pretentious that
sounds?  How many were there?  You must have been real good to have
regulars, and referrals.” 
Who am I kidding?  I know how good he
is.  Stop!

“Stop it, Elyssa!  All
you’re doing is looking at my past.  Start looking at the present, and what
I’m telling you now.  I love you.  I have never loved anyone but
you.  I stopped seeing Arianna for you.  This is the first time I
have put my life before my career, and made Arianna see that I can’t be with
her.  I invited you into my life and introduced you to Nana.  I have
never been faithful to anyone but you.”

“These are just words,
Alex.”  Words I so desperately want to be true, but how can I trust what
he’s saying to me.  “How do I know that you’re telling me the whole
truth?  How do I know that you aren’t still fucking women for
money?” 

“Because I am fucking telling you
the truth, Elyssa!  I would never do that to you.  I have never lied
to you, and I’m not lying now.”  Exasperated, he tries to contain his
anger, but it’s seeping through and I know this conversation needs to end
soon.  I need to get out of here, away from him, so I can digest all his
shit.

Looking everywhere but at him, I
don’t know how to feel. 
Stay strong, Ely!
  “I don’t know
Alex; this is a lot to take in.  It’s hard for me to look at you, and not
see her.  All I picture is you and Arianna…in the same kitchen, the same
bedroom, the same bathroom, where you and I…”  I can’t even finish the
sentence before more heartbreaking sobs escape me.