Christmas at Evergreen Inn (11 page)

He kept his radio turned down low as he parked the cruiser and walked toward the church. The service had already started, and he was planning to slip in the back and leave again if he needed to. Snowbanks were high on either side of the concrete walk, a result of the storm earlier in the week. When he opened the door to the vestibule, the sound of the congregation singing “O Come All Ye Faithful” rang out.

He didn't even go inside the sanctuary. He stood out of sight, over by the coatracks, listening. Absorbing the positive, happy vibe that surrounded him.

The truth was, he'd been miserable all day.

*   *   *

The emergency call-out had been bad. A 911 call had come in saying there was a child in distress, and he'd hurried to dress and get out the door without waking Lainey, leaving a scribbled note on a paper napkin as an explanation. He and Bryce had attended the call together, arriving just before the ambulance. The boy was five years old and Todd had known right away that he hadn't fallen down any stairs. The wild, frightened look in his mother's eyes had explained a lot, and the dad was nowhere to be found. The EMTs were talking major head injuries as they loaded the boy in the ambulance.

Once they'd finished taking statements and contacted child services, Todd had gone to text Lainey and realized that he didn't actually have her cell number. He tried the number at the inn and left a message, but he'd waited all day and no response had come. There'd been no time to stop by, either. Covering for Jamie meant he only had time to grab something to eat during his double shift.

He sighed, leaning against the wall as another carol began, this time “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” The bass line in the organ was triumphantly robust, but Todd couldn't seem to gear himself up to enter the sanctuary and sing along. He'd really thought he and Lainey were starting something great. He wasn't looking for a casual hookup. He was looking for something meaningful, and he thought they'd had a chance. He'd wanted them to have a chance. He really liked her. Maybe more than that.

Maybe, hell. He cared about her. He couldn't have slept with her otherwise. He'd tried to reach her a couple of different ways. And she had his cell number; he'd given it to her the morning after the storm. If she'd wanted to talk to him, all she had to do was dial.

Damn. He shouldn't have come here tonight. All it did was make him feel worse.

He turned to leave just as the minister began to read the first scripture of the service, but a movement at the sanctuary door caught his eye and he turned his head.

Lainey stood there, her eyes wide as she stared at him.

He swallowed.

“Lainey,” he said, down low, wanting to keep his voice quiet so no one inside could hear.

“Hi,” she said softly, and he saw her throat bob as she swallowed, too, as if there were a lump caught there. He knew how that felt. It was a like a big ball of bitter disappointment that wouldn't move.

She was so beautiful. Was it possible that he'd fallen completely under her spell in only a few dates? He knew it was. It had to be, because looking at her now he got that strange heavy feeling in his chest, like a rock of uncertainty.

“You look pretty,” he said, not knowing what else to say. It was true, anyway. She wore black leggings and boots and a long red sweater that was the perfect color next to her tawny skin and dark hair. She wore it down again, the black curls tumbling over her shoulders.

“So do you,” she replied, and he saw color rise to her cheeks. He smiled a little. He was in his uniform, after all—trousers, shirt, jacket, and the belt at his waist that held all his gear and was heavier than most people realized.

“I was just leaving.” His eyes never left hers, but he gestured toward the door with his thumb.

“Yes, you're good at that,” she said quickly, then flushed, her cheeks turning red.

He felt his jaw tighten. “If this is about this morning…” He kept his voice low, in deference to the service going on behind them. “I called the inn and left a message.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I wasn't even over there today.”

“I don't have your cell number or I would have texted. Didn't you get my note?”

Her lips opened the slightest bit. “There wasn't any note.” But he heard the hint of doubt in her voice.

“I could only find a napkin, and I left it on my pillow,” he murmured, looking around to make sure no one could hear. A church probably wasn't the best place to talk about spending the night together.

She shook her head. “I didn't get a note or a message, Todd.”

“So you thought I just … left? Pulled a disappearing act? After yesterday? Seriously?”

“What was I supposed to think?”

Silence dropped like a stone between them. Finally, he sighed. “Well. I guess I know what you really think of me, then. You know, you had my number. You might have sent me a text and asked.” He put on his cap and touched a finger to the brim. “Merry Christmas, Lainey.”

He turned to go. It felt wrong to walk away, but what else was he supposed to do?

His hand was on the handle of the metal door when her voice called after him. “Todd … wait.”

He hesitated, his hand still on the handle, his insides quaking. He turned his head and saw she was grabbing a coat from the rack, shoving her arms into the sleeves.

A man with an ounce of self-respect would just leave. But he was a man who desperately wanted her to think better of him than she did. And if there was any hope that she might do that …

He'd do what she asked. He'd wait.

*   *   *

Lainey's heart was beating so fast it felt like it was up in her throat. He looked so strong and fierce and delectable in his uniform. Worse, she knew what he looked like out of it. There was no denying the power of her physical attraction. But was it enough?

She pushed her arms through the sleeves of the jacket, hurrying in case he decided he didn't want to wait. She'd been thinking all day. All through the long afternoon, wiping her eyes and nose until they were raw. While she showered and carefully applied makeup to cover her red-rimmed eyes and nose. While she heated a lonely can of soup for her dinner and realized that this was possibly the most pathetic Christmas Eve she'd ever had.

And as she'd thrown the rest of the soup down the garbage disposal, she came to the conclusion that the only person to blame for that was herself. Not Todd. Not Jason. Just her.

He opened the door and a gust of wind blew inside the vestibule. As she followed him out, the open lawn of the church grounds provided them with lots of privacy. Without speaking, they started walking down the path. The snow was deep enough that they couldn't venture on to the lawn area, not until they got closer to the Nativity scene that went up every year. The caretaker had cleared a path through to the manger and a new bench that was nearby.

Lainey looked down at the doll wrapped in a blanket and set on top of thick yellow straw. “Last year Charlie and Dave found a baby here. It seems like yesterday.” The discovery of the mystery baby boy had been the talk of the town.

Todd nodded, a smile touching his lips. “He was a cute little thing. Barely a few weeks old. I answered the police call, you know.”

“I didn't know that.”

“I kind of thought this Christmas Eve was going to be dull in comparison.” He looked over at her, his breath forming a puffy white cloud in front of his face. “But I don't think so. I'm here with you. And that seems plenty complicated.”

She walked away, just a few steps to the empty bench. When she sat down, the cold seeped through her leggings. Todd came and sat beside her, his coat making a rustling sound as he settled on the bench.

“I'm sorry I'm such hard work,” she said, shoving her hands in the jacket. She found a pair of gloves inside and realized that in her hurry she'd grabbed the wrong coat. She started to laugh then. The whole week had been incredibly surreal. Taking the wrong coat seemed somehow perfect.

“What's so funny?”

She looked over at him and couldn't help but smile. “This isn't my coat.”

He chuckled, a deep sound that rode deliciously along her nerve endings. “It's been one of those days.”

“You've been distracted, too?”

“More than I should be. This morning I left because someone called in sick and we had an emergency. It was a rough call. I knew what you must be thinking but I barely had time to grab a sandwich and a coffee at lunch. By the time things settled down, it was nearly time for church.”

She paused. Thought about what she wanted to say. Thought about what she felt and what she wanted to do about it. In the end she resorted to thinking aloud. “You know, no one really knows what they're doing. Everything's a crap shoot. We make decisions and they could be wrong or they could be right and we have to live with them and sometimes that really sucks.”

He leaned against the back of the bench and crossed one ankle over his knee. “Are you talking about this morning or the last year?”

She was scared. Terrified. But she looked over at him and admitted, “Maybe both?”

“I'm not him, Lainey. I know you're afraid of being hurt, but you can't put that on me.”

“I know that. It's just easier to say than to do. I'm so afraid of getting my heart broken.” If she were going to be honest, she should be honest all the way. “And you might have the ability to do that, Todd. What happened between us this week … it's scared the shit out of me. When I got up this morning and you were gone…” Oh, she'd been an idiot and thought the worst and gotten all dramatic instead of waiting for an explanation. She believed him when he said he left a note. She'd tossed the bedspread and pillows around in such a fit, the note was probably underneath something in her bedroom right now. “I jumped to conclusions. I did that because … well, I think it's become my default mode. It's not my finest quality, is it?”

He turned on the bench and reached out for her hand, pulling it out of the pocket and cradling it between his own. “It wasn't just sex for me, Lainey. You need to know that. I'm not seventeen anymore, or even twenty-one. I'm a grown man. I want something more. If you believe nothing else, believe that this was never me amusing myself.”

“I know that. And maybe that's what scares me so much. Maybe that's what hurt. I'd let myself believe in you.” His hands felt so good over hers. “It wasn't just playing around for either of us. It could have been. The chemistry is certainly there.” Just admitting it made her insides curl. “But unless I'm mistaken, there was more, too.”

“Definitely more,” he agreed.

Lainey sighed. “I'm scared, Todd. Scared of letting myself really care for someone again only to be disappointed. Scared of not being able to bounce back a second time when I haven't done very well the first.”

“You know there's a chance that you wouldn't have to bounce back, right?”

As thrilling as that sounded, a part of her found it impossible to believe. “The thing is, if there's a chance it might work out, there's a chance it might not. And I'm terrified of taking that risk.”

She wanted to be stronger. She wanted to reach out and grab at a chance at happiness. It was just so hard. The wounds ran deep.

“Todd, it might have been easier if he'd just changed his mind. But he found someone else. He'd been seeing her for a few months before he broke off our engagement. It wasn't just canceling the wedding, though that was a horrible experience and really humiliating. It was more … making me doubt everything about myself. What did she give him that I didn't? What if I'm not the kind of woman who…” She frowned, unsure of how to word what she was feeling. “Not the kind to keep a man, I don't mean that. But what if I'm never The One but always The One Before The One?”

“He's an idiot,” Todd stated baldly, and she laughed a little despite herself.

“I know,” she admitted. “Deep down, I know I shouldn't listen to that little voice. What I'm trying to say is that it's hard to ignore it. And this morning, after waking up and your side of the bed was empty … after all my brave self-talk, I turned back into a coward again.”

To her surprise, he reached out and pulled her close into the circle of his arms. “You're not a coward. Lainey, in my job I see all sorts of people. You know who you are?”

She shook her head.

“You're the walking wounded. The difference is that despite what you may think, you pulled yourself up and kept going. Look at yourself. You've taken on the inn and it's no small thing to run a business. And yet you do it, and do it well. Your guests love you. You make them feel like they're at a home away from home. You make them feel like they're family even for the night or two they're with you. Your business is a huge success in this town. Yeah, you might struggle on a personal level, but who doesn't? You just have to realize there is more to you than that. You're kind, and caring, and nurturing. You know how to make people feel special. Maybe Jason wasn't smart enough to see that, but don't ever let him take it away from you.”

She blinked against the tears that gathered in her eyes, and burrowed closer against his jacket. “Thank you. I don't want him to, you know. I want to be brave and fearless.”

He leaned back and put a finger beneath her chin. “Look,” he said, his face grave. “I can't promise you that we'll last forever. It's too early for that. But I can make some promises, okay? Like I will never, ever cheat on you. I will always be honest and I will never be cruel. But I can only promise those things if you'll meet me halfway, Lainey.”

He was giving her a second chance. All she had to do was reach out and take it. Meet him in the middle. And she knew one thing for sure: If she didn't at least try, she'd regret it. She'd always wonder what might have been.