Cinderella Has Cellulite (10 page)

It’s beginning to dawn on you how that nasty last, Last Wife has set you up. “Just because Daddy is remarrying, you do not have to like those Little Aliens,” she must have preached to her children. “No matter how nice they are to you, it is fake. Do you want to have no Daddy?”

The brainwashing continues, “Daddy’s New Wife is just trying to replace you, and Daddy is letting it happen. Maybe with my help, you and Mommy can make them go away.” “You are so strong,” she tells them, “just like your Mommy. Now go out there and fight! Don’t look at them. And surely don’t talk to them.”

Meanwhile, you are wondering exactly where your Pillar went. Your Rock turns into putty even as his kids declare WWIII. He can only defend his children in a whiny voice, “They take a while to warm up. Honey, they will be okay.” What about your Darlings? What did they do to have to defend their country? They aren’t even old enough for the draft.

Your private Heaven has now become more like Dante’s Inferno. You tell yourself things will be better if only you can get your Beloved away from the misfits. “They must be just like their mother . . . hateful and spiteful. Clearly, they could not have anything but the tiniest of sperm from the Man I Love.” Gurgle, gurgle. Once again, your acid reflux is bubbling up.

B
y law, you may have a new sister, a new family. It could be his sister, Her sister-in-law or sisters-in-law of the precious stepsons and stepdaughters. Or it could be a sister-in-law of a sister-in-law. Should I go on? Regardless of the configuration, there are many types of in-laws and some have had several faces. There are three basic kinds:

Organic
. She is merely a split chromosome and has the same soul of your Soulmate. Therefore, she must protect her genes at all cost. If possible, she works to be a she-he clone of him. She often brags at the spring tea, “My brother and I are sooooo close.” Translation: there is no air left for you to breathe, Cinderella!

Expect a dagger hidden somewhere in her Louis Vuitton. She has used it before and will use it again if anyone tries to suck blood from her Precious One. The ire and pain she can inflict is often compared to that inflicted by General Patton: it hurts long and hard. As the Germans learned at considerable expense, the General will roll over anyone. Eva Braun, the longtime companion of Hitler, and Cinderella are the same easy target—they can both be wiped out with a single blow.

The Competitive One
. This relative is the most interesting. Often Chanel clad, impeccably attired, and scheming for her place in the family tree, she thrives on the memories of her home life as a child with your Adored. Unfortunately, she harbors hate and resentment because her brother treated her badly and picked on her just because the bully could.

What’s more, she is still mad at her neglectful mother who always loved him more. No one understands her pain. You, the newest entry into her tortured world, can be of use. She sees you as an ally, one who can suffer alongside her. You must be warned about his past. Perhaps together you can mount a campaign to reveal his warts to the world, since God knows He has fooled everyone up to now. You need her like you need the dagger from the Organic’s precious leather tote.

The situation is akin to the Art of War strategy. When you are ahead, dominate. When behind, retreat. Believe me, if you fall behind, your status will be at the back of the bus with the toilet. If that happens, go there, lock the door, and chant Buddhist musings about peace and love while you gather your thoughts!

The Invisible One
. There are those rare times that the new sister-in-law becomes a quiet supporter. She remembers how it was for the first Last Wife and possibly the second Last Wife. She wears a saintly smile because she knows, but ceases to warn the new kid on the throne, that this is gonna get ugly!

“Let’s all get along,” says Mother Teresa as she sets out the Monopoly board on the center of the dining room table.

She is truly a Godsend! This is not an overstatement. If the Invisible One always has your back, don’t blow it! Stay at her side when the Organic says, “You are sooooo lucky to have my brother. Every woman in town was after him!” Grab her hand for support when the Competitive One slithers over to you in her newest Armani and says, “I think I wear a smaller size than you. You need my latest diet.”

Cinderella may be whacked time and again, but the Invisible One will simply smile at you as she imparts her wisdom, “Honey, I know you can take it.”

I
f your Prince is a highly endowed trust fund baby, remember what Jackie Onassis professed when questioned on her marriage to a distasteful little Greek man. She informed inquiring minds that Ari resembled Paul Newman when perched on his stacks of greenbacks! If the banks refer to your Beloved as the heir or the spare, you can bet that a bespectacled, hunchbacked CPA and several bloated trust attorneys are working overtime to burst your dreams of a Maserati. “Don’t worry,” declare their secret emails,
“a five-year-old C Class Mercedes will be the best she can hope for!”

If the nest is to be feathered with his stash, expect a list of approved expenditures. The trust fund does not trust you, and you may find it untrustworthy as well. Excessive purchases upset the equilibrium of the beast, forcing it to tap you on the shoulder. Whether through a tersely worded note or your credit card being declined at Trader Joe’s, enough is enough. When pushed to the limit, the money always wins; and never forget, Holly Golightly, Tiffany’s can’t be yours when it is his!

If, however, you are the fortunate one and the millions are yours because your hardworking immigrant father scratched someone’s eyes out for it, you will need to be clear to the money-grubbing Opportunist. It is only fair to warn him that she who has the money makes the rules. I feel pretty . . . oh, so pretty!