Cinderella Has Cellulite (4 page)

Your Sly Lover may even decide that you have no right to determine the 4 Cs of his purchase. The cut is irrelevant in his mind, and clarity, color, and carat weight are not vital to his financing plan. One night, He ceremoniously slips it on your finger during his emotional declaration, “I will love you forever!” You suspect there might be a stone somewhere on the top of your fourth finger, so you feign being overcome by your love for him and slink off to the bathroom where the light is better.

If He thinks this little nothing will do, just wait ‘til after the wedding
, you say to yourself. Upgrading that puppy will be your first order of business. Your Saturdays will be spent designing your one-year anniversary ring—that is, if He ever wants to have sex again!

S
o, you have taken the road less traveled and fallen for a young and studly Ladykiller, still wet behind the ears and other unmentionable places. My, my, my. How shall you handle this, you wanton Jezebel?

Every time you jump giggling into bed, knowing this romp has the potential for a half marathon, does the Pope later invade your pleasant dreams with a decidedly disappointed frown? Can you detect his stern admonishment amidst the pleasant sensations still lingering in your head from the last lively session with your tender Beefcake?

Does the pontiff think you’re much too old for this emerging tot? It’s true—you could be his mother, or at least a much older sibling. You better stop this lustful behavior and repent before your sins of the flesh are too visible to your brethren!

The Pope is right!
you admit, tossing and turning until the morning hours. The only place you can win is when you are cavorting with your budding Adonis. Everywhere you turn, you are screwed (albeit in a different place)!

Your girlfriends’ frequent trips to the powder room during the breathless descriptions of your bedroom frolics are not due to weakened bladders. They simply need a chance to reapply makeup over the tear tracks. When you confess, “He’s so fit, I don’t think He
ever
gets tired!” they may smile, but their envy cannot be concealed as they reflect on their Mr. Right waiting for them at home.

They may even wonder if your Budding Beast is just simpleminded.
Surely He can see her need for Botox
, one thinks. Another silently cries,
She needs it a lot more than I do. What gives?

The general, unspoken consensus at your regular 9:00 a.m. Starbucks get-togethers is that you may be his Mrs. Robinson at night, but you’ll be his Maggie May in the harshness of morning. A few Sunday mornings sans dull hangovers and they’re figuring He’ll dump you.

She’ll get what she asked for!
they conclude as you naively head to the counter to pick up your skinny latte.
Who does she think she is?
And yet, you can take heart because even Jimmy Fallon’s monologue won’t be able to distract from their unseemly task of faking yet another orgasm later that night.

We all dream of the supportive, got-your-back back girlfriends who text and email you constant encouragement and positive vibes. They are the ones who show unwavering interest and curiosity regarding your Lover.
What is He like? Is He romantic?
They are dying to know it all. If your new conquest doesn’t work out, these YaYa Sisters will be the ones to conduct a séance, mortally wounding him and propelling you into Cupid’s arms for your next tryst. Woman Power has you firmly in its bosom.

Wrong! Wake up, sister.

You can bet most women worth their salt who are not already pushing the sheets with another hunk would trade places with you and provide the silk pillowcase to boot. The competitive factor between women, especially single women, rivals any blood sport. With Samurai Swords drawn, they stand ready to take you out at a moment’s notice. If you really do have a soul sister who can sing “We Are Family,” count yourself extremely lucky.

Your guy friends, however, are impressed.
Wow, she must really be a good lay!
they think to themselves.
I wonder how old she really is? Who cares? She looks pretty good for her age, whatever it is!
Yes, Madame Cougar, men are so dense!