City Girl (39 page)

She couldn’t think straight. Richard hadn’t spoken one word to her apart from asking her if she wanted something to eat. And so she lay in her bed, hungover and frantic with worry
about what might result from her night of debauchery. To think that she had allowed herself to be picked up in a bar by a stranger, albeit a very charming sexy stranger. Or, had she picked him up?
Either way she had behaved very badly, even if she
had
enjoyed every minute of it.

Richard did not refer to the subject at all. All he wanted to do was to get home. He was petrified that Sarah might find out about Caroline’s drinking problem. Maybe she was dreaming but
Caroline thought she heard him ringing Charles Stokes as she passed in and out of her drunken stupor. ‘She’s back but she’s in the fuckin’ horrors again, Charles. What the
hell am I going to do?’ she thought she heard him say. But she must have been imagining it. Richard never used bad language!

They flew home the next day with Sarah complaining bitterly about all they had missed doing because of Caroline’s migraine. Richard was so harassed he actually told his mother to hush up.
And the look of outraged horror on her mother-in-law’s face gave Caroline a brief moment of pleasure. They deposited Sarah in strained silence at her front door and declined her invitation to
stay for tea. Then they drove in silence to the penthouse.

‘Richard, I . . . I just don’t know what to say.’ Now that she was sober, remorse had set in.

‘Just say nothing,’ he said shortly. ‘I don’t want to hear any of it.’

‘Oh God, Richard!’ she burst out. ‘I just can’t stand this. We haven’t got a marriage. You’ve never made love to me. Is it me? Why did you marry me?
Why?’ She was almost incoherent.

‘Be quiet! Be quiet. I can’t think straight, damn it!’ he swore, his hands gripping the steering wheel.

Caroline was crying now, shuddering sobs that shook her slender body.

‘Stop! stop it, for God’s sake, Caroline. Someone will see,’ he muttered miserably.

‘I don’t care, Richard! I just don’t care any more.’

‘Well, I do. I don’t want people talking about us,’ her husband said tightly as he parked the car.

‘Oh you and your image. Your goddam bloody image. That’s all you care about!’ Caroline spat bitterly as she rooted in her bag for a tissue. Blowing her nose and wiping her
eyes, she said quietly, ‘What happened in London would never have happened if you had ever shown me one moment of loving tenderness. I’m only human, Richard.’

His lips tightened. ‘I’ve given you a damned sight more than Maggie’s or any of your friends’ husbands have given them.’

Caroline laughed scornfully. ‘Grow up, Richard. Material things mean nothing. I suppose beating the shit out of me is a sign of your great love for me. I wish to God I had never met
you.’

He reddened. ‘I . . . I . . . oh, what’s the use. Just get out and leave me alone,’ he muttered inadequately, unable to meet her eyes.

‘Where are you going?’ she asked dully.

‘I . . . I have to go over and discuss some briefs with Charles.’

‘Charles! he sees more of you than I do. But don’t, for heaven’s sake, let our little marital crisis interfere with your briefs.’

‘Leave Charles out of it,’ Richard growled. ‘And for Christ’s sake keep away from the drink while I’m gone. If you’re not careful you’re going to have a
big problem.’

‘And that wouldn’t be good for your image, darling, would it?’

‘Shut up Caroline, I’m warning you!’

She was shaking now. Never before had they fought or argued like this. She realized just how bitter she felt and it was as if it was all spilling out like lava from a volcano. ‘Go to
hell!’ she swore, getting out of the car and slamming the door.

Twenty-nine

Caroline had told her husband to go to hell that night but it was as though she had descended into its Godforsaken pits herself. The next months were the most lonely and
frightening of her existence. The strain of their unhappy marriage caused her such mental anguish and depression that she began to have frequent panic attacks and she would lie in her lonely bed,
her heart pounding so loudly that she could hear nothing else. Shaking, she would retrace every step of their relationship, her thoughts racing, unable to sleep, wide-eyed with worry and fear.
Would this be the way her life would be from now on? Had she developed AIDS? What would happen if she left her husband? Would she end up in Ballymun like Devlin? Was her heart going to explode?

Questions, questions, questions. She had no answers. Each morning she would awake and the cloud of fear would settle on her and the thought of getting up and facing the ordeal of another day
would be unbearable. Drinking didn’t help, it only made the fear worse, so in desperation she went to Doctor Cole and begged him to give her Valium.

‘Caroline, you need treatment for your drinking and for your mental state. Valium is not the answer.’

‘Please, Doctor Cole. I’m afraid.’

‘Afraid of what? Are you afraid of Richard beating you up?’

Caroline shook her head. How could she explain all her fears to this kind harassed man?

‘You can’t go on like this,’ he reasoned. ‘Let me send you to a nursing home for treatment and a rest and you can think about your future. There has to be more to your
life than this. Don’t start depending on Valium. Stop depending on drink. They’re only crutches for a while, then they collapse under you.’ He smiled kindly at her. ‘How
about trying to depend on yourself for a change. In the end you know the only person you can truly depend upon is yourself, but don’t make the mistake many people make. Depending on yourself
doesn’t mean that you’re alone. You’ve got Devlin and Maggie and I’m here. Now go and confront your problems and make some decisions about your life. It’s the only one
you’ve got, you know.’

She knew what he was saying was the truth but she wasn’t ready to face it. Eventually after several more visits where she refused outright to see anyone else or go to a nursing home, he
had written the prescription she had asked for.

The Valium helped a little. She managed to keep herself calm for her weekly visits to Devlin and sometimes she felt that if it wasn’t for Devlin and Maggie she would go completely insane.
Both of them had asked her outright what was wrong with her. Stubbornly, she refused to confide in them. She couldn’t bear for them to know of the failure of her marriage, and of the shameful
event that had occurred in London. Both of them seemed to be able to handle their own not inconsiderable problems; she’d just have to handle hers. Caroline knew they were worried about her.
She worried about them too but this was something that not even Devlin and Maggie could help her with; so on the days she visited she tried to keep the best side up and with them she was able for a
while to forget the misery of her empty existence.

She and Devlin would sometimes take the baby and go off for the day if the weather was fine. ‘Let’s go for a jaunt,’ Devlin would say and Caroline would laugh. Since she had
gone to live in Ballymun Devlin had picked up some really colourful colloquialisms which she loved to try out on Caroline. They would usually go to Howth, their favourite destination. Caroline
loved Howth. It made her feel as though she was abroad. They would explore the village and around it, wandering along narrow winding roads that were dotted with magnificent houses and a great
variety of pubs and restaurants, all with beautiful views of the harbour and Ireland’s Eye. The trawlers sailing in and out, the seagulls circling and screaming as the catches of the day were
unloaded, reminded her of the fishing villages of Portugal and she would sit and close her eyes and pretend she was a million miles away.

She had often dined with Richard in Howth, and now that he had been accepted as a member of the yacht club she expected to be socializing in the peculiar new building that had been erected in
the marina. The thought thrilled her not one whit! She was much happier to be out with Devlin and the baby, dressed in a pair of jeans and a teeshirt and exploring the beauty of Balscadden Bay and
having a picnic after the exhilarating climb to the summit. Devlin was like her life-support system. Some day she would tell her about her marriage and her drinking but not now.

When Devlin told her that she was going to live in Rosslare, Caroline felt as if her world was falling apart. With her best friend gone, she’d be drifting like flotsam in the murky tide of
her pitiful marriage. She’d have no weekly visits to look forward to, no lifting of the soul-destroying burden she bore. Trying her best to think of Devlin’s happiness, she assured her
friend that she was doing the right thing in making a new start. How she wished she had the guts to do the same herself. In spite of her brave words, she was crying along with Devlin when they
hugged and said goodbye a few days before Devlin left.

‘You can come down anytime you want. It will be a break for you and we’ll have fun. Rosslare is beautiful and think of the tan you’ll get,’ Devlin had reassured her,
giving a childlike sniff as she wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

‘I know . . . I know.’ Caroline tried to compose herself, knowing full well that because of the way Richard felt about Devlin she would never be able to go and stay with her. If he
ever suspected that she had been visiting Devlin every week, she’d be in real trouble. She sat on the bus into town and decided that her life was an out-and-out disaster and that she,
Caroline Stacey Yates, was the only one to blame. Doctor Cole was right. Only she could change it and she just didn’t have the gumption to do it. Devlin always had loads of guts while she
hadn’t an ounce. On impulse she stayed on the bus as it passed her stop and carried on until she got to the stop near the Bull Wall. Alighting, she crossed the road and began to walk towards
the huge plinth which held a statue of Our Lady, who seemed to be watching protectively over Dublin Bay.

Her high heels clicked rhythmically along the wooden causeway and it seemed to her that they were saying, ‘Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone.’ That’s exactly what she was, now
that Devlin was going away. Utterly alone. What a sad bitter word ‘alone’ was.

Reaching one of the quaint pastel-painted ladies’ bathing shelters Caroline slipped inside and sat down on the cold cement resting place. There was no other person to disturb her solitude,
only the sound of the small white-capped waves as they lapped idly against the steps that led into the sea.

It was a beautiful summer’s evening. The rays of the sun as they slanted over the Dublin Mountains across the curve of the bay, made her little shelter glow with a warm caressing light. In
the distance she could see the big B&I ship gliding gracefully across the glassy sun-dappled water to enter the haven of the Liffey estuary and home. How elegant she looked in her white and
blue, moving slowly, majestically past the red and white ESB towers, past Ringsend and the Shelly banks towards her berth.

Caroline stared across the water towards the southside of the city. How happy she and Devlin had been in their little flat in Sandymount. Why hadn’t she realized it at the time?
She’d been too busy worrying about being left manless. Well, she had a man . . . and what happiness had it brought her? None! Restlessly she got up and began walking again, passing couples
hand in hand, trying to swallow the bitterness inside her as she compared their obvious happiness to her desperate unhappiness. She and Richard had walked this very pathway hand in hand on an
evening such as this during their courtship. How deliriously happy she had been then. How had it all gone so badly wrong? Since their return from London, over six months ago, they had hardly
spoken, except when they were in company. They could have got Oscars for their acting abilities then. Her husband immersed himself in his work and seemed oblivious to the fact that her mental state
was precariously fragile. He never again referred to what had occurred in London, and he no longer had sex with her in an effort to conceive a child. She wasn’t sorry. After her experiences
with Ramon she didn’t want him to touch her. She still worried dreadfully that she had contracted a disease or infection from her one-night stand. But she couldn’t possibly tell Doctor
Cole about what had occurred. He’d be shocked, she knew he would.

Caroline reached the statue on its triangular plinth. When darkness fell it would be illuminated, a guide for seafarers to bring them safely home. Would it help to guide her also out of the
darkness of her misery? Was there really someone who was the mother of them all? God! How she missed her own mother.

‘Oh Holy Mother of God, help me please,’ she whispered forlornly. Sighing deeply she turned her face into the warm salt laden breeze and began her walk home.

‘Where were you?’ her husband said grumpily when she got back to the apartment. Caroline’s heart sank. He had a frown on his handsome features and a pile of law tomes in front
of him.

‘I went for a walk.’ She made her voice deliberately light. She couldn’t face a fight.

‘It’s well for some,’ he muttered. He looked tired and harassed and impulsively she lay her arm lightly around his shoulders and gave him a little hug. He tensed and she drew
back, rebuffed.

‘Why don’t you put those away for a while? It’s such a lovely evening and we could go for a walk along the Bull Island.’ Caroline tried to keep the hurt out of her voice.
Why could she never learn?

‘I’ve to call over to Charles. I need his advice on a case,’ her husband informed her flatly.

‘Why don’t you get him to come over here? He’s never visited since we married,’ Caroline suggested, desperate not to have to spend the evening alone. Richard gave her the
strangest look.

‘It’s been arranged,’ he said brusquely. ‘I think Shaun O’Rourke is dropping by to Charles’s house as well. It’s a hell of a case we’re working
on.’

‘OK,’ she replied, defeated.

The morning that Devlin was leaving Dublin she rang Caroline. They spoke a while and as Caroline gently laid the receiver back on its cradle her heart began to pound rapidly as a panic attack
engulfed her. She was going to faint, she felt sick. Where were her Valium? She needed a drink. It was an awful day!