Close Encounters of the Third-Grade Kind (4 page)

They will spend a week working on their Mother’s Day cards then forget to take them home. If they have to leave for a dentist
appointment at ten forty-five, they will remind you at eight thirty, nine thirty, ten thirty, ten forty, and ten forty-three.

If you ask them to pick a rhythm instrument out of the box, they will always fight over the drum. They will laugh every time
you add a new body part to the poor guy in hangman.

When doing crosswords, one child will have no problem cramming seven letters into a five-letter word. When you hand out name
tags with the sticky backs, somebody will immediately put the name tag over his mouth.

They will make gagging noises if you mention the words
kiss, hug, embrace,
or
smooch
. If you say
mistletoe,
they will scream. When you hold up a Hershey’s Kiss and say, “Who wants a kiss?” they will scream also.

When they are almost at the end of a piano piece, they will forget the music and ask if they can start over. When they clean
the whiteboard with erasers, they will pretend they’re playing air hockey. When a child stands in front of the classroom sharing
her family photo album, she will hold the album so that only she can see it.

They will always ask the teacher what kind of car he drives. If you show them your car in the parking lot, they will look
inside and announce how messy it is.

When a visitor speaks to the class and you ask the children for questions, one will launch into a story. If you say, “Let’s
give a round of applause,” they will clap while moving their hands in a circle.

If you light a candle in science class, they will ask if they can blow it out. When you pass around a conch shell, they will
always listen for the sea.

When you’re taking a vote, some wise guy will raise two hands. When you ask one child a question, another will blurt out the
answer.

After they sing “I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad,” someone will always ask, “Who’s Dinah?” If they sing “You’re a Grand
Old Flag” at the school assembly, kids in the front of the multipurpose room will end up finishing before kids in the back.

They can’t talk to you without fiddling with something on your desk. Most can’t speak to you without turning back and forth
like the inside of a washing machine or standing on one leg like a flamingo.

When the grass is frosty, they will pretend to ice skate on it. When playing Red Light, Green Light, one child will always
take an extra flying leap after the teacher shouts, “Red light!”

If they were in your classroom last year and come by to visit, they will look to see whose name tags are on
their
desks. If they see that you’re doing something new this year, they will always say, “Why didn’t we do that?”

When they tear the wrapper off a Band-Aid, they will never throw it away. If you say, “Open your book to page fifty-seven,”
and a child opens her book right up to page fifty-seven, she will announce it and show you.

They will ask for an ice pack when they don’t really need it. They will always ask if they can return the ice pack to the
office during class time.

When you give a child a Dixie cup, he will put it over his mouth and suck in all the air so that the sides of the cup cave
in. When they’re turning the knobs on the microscope and the crystal that they’re examining comes into focus, they will shout,
“Whoa!”

If you explain that soon they will get to work with a partner, they will reach for their best friend before you finish giving
directions. They will ask why coffee cake is called coffee cake if there is no coffee in it.

When your stomach growls, they will tell you. When you cut open a pumpkin to count the number of seeds, one child will shout,
“You’re killing it!” When they run to tell you that they just kicked the ball over the fence, they will always smile when
they announce it.

They will not think that bringing in eight My Little Ponies, twenty-seven polished rocks, and an entire snow globe collection
is too much for one afternoon of Show and Tell. In their minds, there are only two types of teachers — nice ones and mean
ones.

When solving problems using the greater-than and less-than signs, they will turn the > and < signs into fish, alligators,
and Pac-Men. They will have a favorite multiplication problem. It will
never
be 8 × 7.

Hand them a straw and they’ll blow off the wrapper. Pass out animal crackers in the red circus box and they’ll always tell
you which animal they got.

When you go on a field trip to the theater and hand them their tickets, they will pretend the tickets are razors and shave
with them. When they’re watching the play and the soloist sings a ballad, they will squirm. When you leave the theater, someone
will slip her hand into yours.

Would I trade this life of giggles and stories and songs and runny noses and glitter and chairs that are too small to sit
in? Not in a million years. Life with kids is a rich one. And though there are days when I’d rather not deal with spilled
paint and the missing books and sick betta fish, I’m sure that someday when I’m retired I will look back on all this and itch
to clean out a backpack, pump up a ball, and hear a good knock-knock joke.

T
his month, my niece Amanda began her first year at a local university. I took her out to dinner to celebrate.

“So, Amanda,” I said, “do you know what you want to study?”

A smile spread across her face. “I’m thinking of going into teaching.”

That warmed me up inside. “That’s great. What grade do you want to teach?”

“Well, maybe first or second. Or maybe third. I’m not really sure. Definitely the little ones.”

“Just like me,” I said, smiling.

Amanda leaned in. “Uncle Phil, why did you decide to teach elementary?”

I chuckled. “They can’t drive yet. I wanted to find a parking space.”

As I drove home from dinner that night, I thought about how I could help Amanda and other aspiring teachers. And so I decided
to write down a few pointers — a few essentials I’ve learned along the way.

So you want to be a teacher? Well, you don’t have to wait until you have a classroom to get ready. There are lots of things
you can do right now to help you prepare.

Practice cutting apples, pumpkins, hearts, and shamrocks out of construction paper. Learn to double-knot shoelaces, read upside
down, peel bananas with no stems, and make bumblebees, caterpillars, butterflies, ants, spiders, alligators, and the centers
of daffodils out of egg cartons. Start drinking five cups of coffee at the beginning of each day. Hold until lunchtime. Look
cheerful.

Begin saving cottage cheese containers, Clorox bottles, oatmeal boxes, Styrofoam meat trays, orange juice cans, plastic butter
tubs, mayonnaise jars, and the tubes in wrapping paper, paper towels, and toilet paper. Stuff all this into a closet along
with Halloween costumes, cowboy hats, tambourines, maracas, sombreros, plastic leis, and copies of the Declaration of Independence
and the Gettysburg Address on crinkled yellow paper.

Whenever you go to a restaurant, point out all spelling mistakes on menus, move all water glasses from the edge of the table,
call food servers “sweetie,” and ask if you may keep the crayons that come with the child’s menu. If you order pizza, give
whomever you are with a lesson in fractions. Gulp down meal in three minutes.

Relearn everything that you forgot since you finished grade school, including the parts of speech, the order of planets, the
original thirteen colonies, large Roman numerals, all the state capitals, the names of the presidents, how to make a cursive
, and the second verse to “This Land Is Your Land.” Memorize the following sayings: “I love that book, too,” “Thank you. I’ll
hang it right here,” “Please stop bouncing that ball,” and “Get your collar out of your mouth. Lunch is in five minutes.”

Practice opening Tupperware containers, potato chip bags, milk cartons, and Go-GURT tubes. Fill your pockets with rubber bands,
marbles, trading cards, finger skateboards, and anything with
Hello Kitty
on it. Before you go to bed, empty all of this onto your nightstand. Repeat daily.

Not sure if you are up for the messes? There are several things you can do to prepare:

1. Squeeze paint on paper plate. Turn paper plate upside down. Drop on carpet. Let dry.
   
2. Pour apple juice in Styrofoam cup. Set on desk. Knock cup over.
   
3. Make peanut butter sandwich. Take one bite. Hide remainder in desk. Leave for five months.
   
4. Go outside. Walk in mud. Walk back inside. Do not step on mat. Walk directly on carpet. Repeat twenty times.
   

Never visit the BMW dealership, read
Town and Country,
or walk into any store carrying Gucci, Hermès, Ferragamo, Louis Vuitton, Tiffany, Rolex, Cartier, or Mont Blanc. You cannot
afford it.

Once you are ready to teach, you must now decide which age you would like to work with. Since you already know that you want
to be with little ones, here is a guide to make your decision easier:

Kindergartners love to be read to. They will ask you to read the same book five hundred times. When you are reading, they
will want to sit very close to you on the carpet so that they can touch your shoes and rub your legs. For kindergartners,
snack time is playtime. When they sit down to eat, their bananas will turn into guns, their pretzels will become helicopters,
and their carrot sticks will morph into World War II fighter jets. Kindergartners take their classroom jobs seriously. Two
attendance monitors will carry the roll sheet with four hands all the way to the office. The picker-uppers will make vacuum
noises when they clean the floor. Kindergarten boys often miss the toilet completely when going to the bathroom.
Advice for new teachers:
Emphasize the second step in Using the Restroom Speech: (1) Ready; (2)
Aim;
(3) Fire.

First graders like to be the first in line. They will stand by the classroom door during the entire recess so they can be
at the head of the line when the bell rings. First graders love to use big words like
infinity
and
bazillion.
They will know more dinosaur names than you do. First graders are obsessed with Velcro. During Story Hour they will strap
and unstrap the Velcro on their shoes. If the teacher has Velcro on his shoes, they will strap and unstrap his, too. First
graders like to bring the conversation back to them. If you’re talking about crocodile teeth, they will open their mouths
and show you where they lost theirs. If you talk about fish, they will tell you how long they can hold their breath underwater.
First graders also love to glue. Whenever they glue something, they will use enough to cement a skyscraper.
Advice for new teachers:
Hide Elmer’s.

Second graders are crazy about erasers. They will use the entire pink tip of a pencil to erase one word. The more they erase,
the more little eraser droppings they can blow off their desks. Second graders love their teachers almost as much as they
love their erasers. They will bring their teacher daisy chains and dandelions and worms that they found at recess. Second
graders enjoy bringing things in from home, too. Show and Tell items may include dead mice and dentures.
Advice for new teachers:
Check each sharing item
before
it is pulled from the bag.

Third graders are obsessed with money. They will tell you how much they have in their bank accounts. Do not be surprised if
they have more than you. Third graders have very strong opinions. If you mention a food that they do not like, they will grab
their throats. Third graders enjoy learning about history. When you teach them about Vincent Van Gogh, they will remember
that he cut his ear off. When learning about the Pilgrims, they will remember that they drank beer. Third graders also love
routine. If the class changes the calendar together every day then sings the weather song, but the substitute sings the weather
song before changing the calendar, the children will tell the sub that she did it wrong. If the substitute writes the date
on the whiteboard with a blue marker when the teacher normally uses a red marker, the students will report this to their teacher
as soon as he returns. They will recall this incident thirty-seven more times throughout the year.
Advice for new teachers:
Do not be absent.

Congratulations! You have been offered your first job. You got the grade level you hoped for. You have been given the keys
to your very first classroom. The school year is about to start. Now what? Here’s a list of everything you need to know to
make your rookie year a success.