Close Encounters of the Third-Grade Kind (3 page)

“Emily.”

“Nice to meet you, Emily.”

She hands me a flower. The stem is wrapped in aluminum foil.

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

The next student pulls her backpack behind her. It’s on wheels. She looks like she is on her way to catch a flight.

I smile at her. “What’s your name, honey?”

“Melanie.”

“I like your backpack.”

“Thanks. It has wheels.”

“I see that.”

Melanie rolls on in. A boy with a buzz cut steps on up.

“And what’s your name?” I ask.

“Christopher,” he answers brightly.

“Welcome to third grade, Christopher.”

Immediately he leans way back and starts walking inside.

My eyes get big. “What are you doing?”

“The limbo!”

After all the kids are inside, I kick up the doorstop and start closing the door. I look out at the parents and smile reassuringly.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of them.”

There are certain things that grade school teachers do on the first day of school. We read our students a story. We give them
a tour of the campus. We play Name Bingo. We do all we can to make sure that the kids have a nice day. Why? So they go home
and tell their moms that they like the teacher.

I give my students an All About Me Survey. It is a good way to get to know the children. Here are some of the responses to
this year’s questions:

When is your birthday?
Gina: In six and a half days!
How many people are in your family?
Laura: Six including my dog.
What’s your phone number?
Angela: Home or cell?
Where were you born?
Trevor: At Stanford, but I’m a Cal fan.
What is your favorite food?
David: Maraschino cherries.
What’s the most difficult part of school?
Stacy: The monkey bars.
What is your favorite drink?
Christopher: Virgin Margaritas. No salt.

What are your favorite subjects in school?
Sarah: Reading, writing, and imagining.
What would you like to study this year?
Danny: Taxidermy.
What would you like me to know about yourself?
Kevin: I eat paper.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Joshua: Jackie Chan.
Do you play any sports?
Brian: Soccer. My team is called the Barracuda Pirate Warrior Transformer Secret Agent Cone Heads. But everyone calls us
the Cone Heads.

During the first week, teachers begin assessing their students. Sometimes this can be quite entertaining. One year I was checking
Mark’s understanding of geometry and set three blocks out in front of him — a triangle, a rectangle, and a pentagon.

I tapped the blocks with my pencil. “Could you please name the shapes.”

Mark scrunched his nose.

“Just name the shapes,” I repeated.

Mark looked at me with an
are you kidding me
sort of look and shrugged. “Okay.” Then pointing to each block he said, “This one’s Joe. This one’s Frank. And this one’s
Bob.”

Another year when I was sitting with Jacob, I drew some stick figures and cookies on a piece of paper.

“Okay, Jacob,” I started, “if there are three students and six cookies, how many cookies does each child get?”

He shook his head. “Not enough.”

Last year when checking Jessica’s number sense, I said, “If I give you three hamsters one day, and four hamsters the next
day, and five hamsters the third day — how many hamsters would you have altogether?”

She thought about it. “Thirteen.”

“That’s close,” I responded. “Now think about it carefully. If I give you three hamsters the first day, four the next, and
five the day after that, how many would you have?”

This time Jessica used her fingers.

“Thirteen,” she answered again.

Hmm,
I thought.
Let me try another approach.

I grabbed some paper clips and arranged them on the table.
Maybe this will help.
“Look,” I explained. “If I give you three paper clips, then four, then five — how many do you have?”

“Twelve.”

“Then why did you say thirteen when I gave you hamsters?”

“Because I have one at home.”

That same year I worked with Cindy on fractions.

“Cindy, let’s say you’re really hungry. Which would you rather eat — an eighth of a pizza or a fourth of a pizza?”

“What kind is it?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know… pepperoni.”

“With extra sauce?”

“Sure,” I replied, smiling.

“And extra cheese?”

“Why not?”

“Are there olives?”

“Olives, too.”

She shook her head. “I wouldn’t eat it. I hate olives.”

*  *  *

This year I began my reading assessments the second day of school. During silent reading, I called kids up one at a time to
listen to them read. Each child read a selection entitled “All About Dogs.”

Trevor was the first one up. Before he started reading the selection, I asked him some questions.

“Do you like dogs?” I asked.

“Uh-huh.”

“Do you have a dog?”

“Yeah.”

“What kind?”

“A golden retriever.”

“What’s its name?”

“Sparky.”

“Is Sparky a nice dog?”

“No. He jumps on the furniture and drinks out of the toilet. He failed doggy school twice.”

“Oh, I see.”

“He can do tricks!” Trevor added.

“What kind of tricks?”

“Well, when we say, ‘Sparky, do you like Paris Hilton?’ he does this.”

Trevor dived on the floor and played dead.

Next it was Melanie’s turn.

“Melanie, do you have a dog?”

“No, a cat. She just had eight kittens.”

“Wow, that’s a lot.”

“She was pregnant a long time.” I held back a laugh. “Last week was her birthday.”

“Did you celebrate?”

“No. She can’t eat cake.”

Christopher followed Melanie.

“Do you have a dog, Christopher?”

“Yep.”

“What’s your dog’s name?”

“Bitsy.”

“Is Bitsy a boy dog or a girl dog?”

“Well, she
thinks
she’s a boy dog.”

I look confused. “What do you mean?”

Christopher jumped off his chair, crouched down on all fours, and lifted his hind leg. “Now you understand?”

Teachers assess more than reading and math in the beginning of the year. We’re also evaluating student behavior, sizing up
the kids to see who the pistols are going to be. Over the years, I have developed several pistol assessments:

The Lunch Test:
When the cafeteria serves hamburgers for lunch and she opens her ketchup packet by setting it on the picnic table and smashing
one end with her fist.

The Sharing Test:
When it is time for Show and Tell and he pulls out a bag of plastic tanks and Big Time Wrestling action figures.

The Cursive Test:
When you ask everyone to make a cursive
in the air and he writes with his foot.

The Supply Test:
When she punches thumbtacks into all the pink erasers to make little eraser men.

The Playground Test:
If she tries to sell the little eraser men to the first graders.

The Seasons Test:
When you ask him to name the order of the seasons and he answers baseball, football, and basketball.

The Math Test:
When you’re setting up a mock store during math time and he puts out a cup for tips.

The Entrance Test:
When you open the classroom door in the morning and she shouts, “Trick-or-treat!” In August.

The Delivery Test:
When you ask him to take a message to the office and he writes “UPS” on a sticky note and smacks it on his chest before dashing
out the door.

The Color Test:
When he tells you that his favorite color is camouflage.

The Clothing Test:
When he walks in wearing a T-shirt that says, “Homework kills trees. Stop the madness.”

The Science Test:
When you ask her to tell you something about food chains and she says, “McDonald’s is bigger than Burger King.”

The Art Test:
When drawing his self-portrait, he makes his eyes bloodshot.

The Interview Test:
When you ask the kids to write down one question they have for the teacher and his is, “Do you have back hair?”

The Second-Grade Teacher Test:
When you show the second-grade teachers your new class list and they cringe, gasp, cover their mouths, sit down quickly,
shake their heads, cross themselves, grab their hearts, or ask if you’re taking Prozac.

September

Well, remember the rules… no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone “City Morgue.”

The Cat in the Hat
(the film)

P
retty soon I will celebrate my twenty-fifth year in the classroom. I can’t believe it’s been that long. It seems like just
yesterday I was a new teacher sneaking into the veteran’s room and peeking in her lesson plan book to see what I should be
teaching the next day. I calculated that I have spent three months of my life taking roll, five months passing out papers,
and two years waiting for kids to finish grinding their pencils in the electric pencil sharpener.

Recently, someone asked me if kids today are different than the kids I taught when I first started. My answer is no. Kids
are the same today as they always were. Yes, they have Xboxes and PlayStations and Game Boys and iPods and cell phones and
computers now. But it’s the gadgets that have changed, not the children. Kids are kids are kids.

Kids still get excited when you bring in a fossil or a magnet. They still get the giggles, and will giggle more when you tell
them to stop giggling.

If a mom sends in milk with birthday cupcakes, one child will show you his milk mustache. Another will lap the milk up just
like a kitty cat.

When throwing something away, they will always shoot a basket. When playing kickball, they will climb on the backstop while
they’re waiting for their turn. Someone’s shoe will go flying when he kicks the ball.

They cannot read
The Guinness Book of World Records
during silent reading time without tapping the students next to them and pointing to the man with all the muscles.

When they can’t find a paper, they will claim that they handed it in, then discover it in their desks two weeks later. When
the bell rings at the end of recess, one boy will take the tetherball and give it one last whopping spin.

As soon as they spot their teacher coming to pick them up in line, they will shout, “Here he comes!” When they see him walking
across the blacktop during lunch recess, they will wave at him and shout his name like they haven’t seen him in five years.

If you spray cleaner on the overhead projector while the light is on, they will squeal as the ink spreads out on the glass.
If you clean the projector glass with the light off, they will ask you to turn it on.

They will say “Yuck!” when licking the envelopes for their valentines. They will laugh when they squeeze the detergent bottle
and it whistles. They will ask if they can write about Spider-Man for their animal report.

If you excuse them for lunch one second late, they will let you know. When they deliver something to the library, they will
come back panting because they ran the whole way.

Just before you pass around photos, they will promise to touch only the edges. When you get the photos back, they will be
covered with fingerprints.

If they get a new three-ring binder, they will proudly hold it up for you to see. If you hand them a piece of paper, they
will stare at the three rings and ask how to put it in their binder. After you show them, they will open and close the rings
until you tell them to stop.

When you bring in a box of Froot Loops to hand out as treats, they will ask for the prize inside. When you finish handing
out the Froot Loops, one will ask if there are seconds.

If there are three staplers sitting on the counter and one of the staplers is smaller than the other two, they will call that
one the baby. The other two will be Mommy and Daddy.