Close Your Eyes (41 page)

Unless
it’s
a part of his plan
.
She suddenly felt
guilty to be so impatient.

‘
Yeah
, I am sorry.’ He shook his head, waking up from his thoughts.

Meg
could have sworn he
hadn’t even realized
they were still walking,
so
her theory of him having a plan
died
away.

‘
Okay
,
Ry
,
what is it?’
She
spotted another bench just meters away
,
and
, relieved to sit down, she
walked over to it. ‘
You
look miles away
in your thoughts
.’

‘Well
…
’
H
e hesitated, his eyes uneasy once more.

A
numbing coldness
froze
her insides
. T
iny shards of ice forming in her body
made
it
nearly impossible
to breathe.
She realized with blinding clarity that h
e didn’t look like a man about to propose, not even close.
H
e looked guilty and uncomfortable,
and
neither of the
se
emotions
was
welcome
d
or
expected.

‘Well?’
she
prompted, feeling sorry for his visible discomfort. ‘What is it?’
A long time passed, and she almost gave up on an answer.

‘I lied about getting worse again
,
’
he
whispered finally. ‘I lied to get readmitted to the hospital,
Meg
.’

Of all the possible scenarios, this particular one caught her by surprise.

‘You lied? But w
hy would you do such a thing?’
Meg was
stupefied,
but
a tiny voice in the back of her head
told
her she was absolutely blind
.
The
answer was right in front of her,
waiting
to be found.

He swallowed and looked away
. H
is eyes
drifted
over the trees, gilded silver in the moonlight. The clouds moved away
,
and the flood of soft, white light poured down
,
making the whole scenery incredibly beautiful. Ry
an
seemed oblivious to the beauty
,
though.

‘I needed to test something for myself before I did anything stupid
.
’
H
is eyes
returned
to her blank gaze. ‘
Kind
of silly, I know. But I wanted to know if what I felt was real or just a delirium induced by painkillers the first time around.’

‘I still don’t understand
,
’
she
answered through stiff lips.
Liar,
her inner voice whispered
. S
he felt like a
pathetic liar
,
unable to face the truth. Because she was starting to understand,
but
she was too
terrified to allow herself to go any further. For a second
,
she had to fight the urge to get up and ask to go back to the car
. The
childish futility of such
a
gesture
lost
the
battle with her common sense. She had to be here and hear him out, no
matter
what
the truth turned
out to be.

‘I did the same thing
with our date
tonight,
Meg
.’ He attempted to smile, but failed
. H
is lips tightened in a straight line.
‘I needed to be
sure before I ruin
ed
something really special.’

‘Ruin?’
Her heart beat
in her chest
loud and frantic,
like wings of a frightened songbird. ‘What do you mean,
Ry
?’

‘
Meg,
I went to the hospital to see Alice
.
’
His voice was low.
He looked away again, unable to hold her gaze. ‘
She
didn’t want to see me
,
I have to tell you
. She isn’t like that,
Meg
.’

Is
he defending Alice?
Dumbfounded,
Meg
listened
. A
spark of anger finally
ignited
some kind of response in her frozen body.
She felt it simmer, heating her insides until there was an inferno, blazing hot and unstoppable.

‘So what exactly is she like?’
Meg’s voice quivered
. ‘
Was
this the idea behind your sudden setback,
Ry
? To go and
work on
your
Alice Project
away from any possible distractions?’

‘
Meg
, it wasn’t like that.’ He watched her anxiously, probably not having anticipated such
a
bitter response. ‘I didn’t have a
real
plan. Just a lot of questions and doubts, that’s all.’

‘Doubts about what? Us?’
She
was yelling now
. Her
frustration
had reached
a breaking point. Things were progressing horribly
and were
completely different from what she had expected. ‘Did you need Alice’s professional advice to tell you what to do? Don’t insult my intelligence, Ry
an
!’

‘I had my doubts about us,
Meg
.’ He refused to be pulled into her angry outburst
.

H
is calm
made
things even worse. It meant he really had thought
this
through with his usual attention to detail.

‘I don’t understand
,
’
she
whispered
. H
er anger disappear
ed,
making
room
for a much worse feeling. Despair gripped her tightly
. H
er palms
grew
cold and sweaty as she waited for his answer.

‘I love you very much
,
Meg
.’ He smiled at her briefly
with
warm and soothing
eyes
.

H
is scraps of mercy
did
little to pull
Meg
back from her personal precipice of doom.

‘It’s just that we’ve been together for so long, I don’t even remember
a
time when we weren’t an item.’

If this was his way
of
trying to make her more receptive
,
he was failing.
Meg
bit her lip until it bled
. T
he salty taste of her blood
completely
sober
ed
her
up from the icy stupor
. Any tiny remnants of the alcohol vanished from her bloodstream, leaving her absolutely aware that Ry
an
didn’t feel about their relationship the way she
had
thought
he did
.

‘I thought we were happy, R
y
.
’
Her voice sounded
wretched and
hollow. ‘
You
never even implied things weren’t going the right way, ever.’

‘
Because
I didn’t know it myself.’ He took her cold hands in his, squeezing them tightly as he continued. ‘I really thought that
this
was it. We were a couple, happy and in love,
and it was a
done
deal. You’ve been my best friend and lover all my life,
Meg
. I was certain that this combination was the winning one, really.’

‘
So
what changed all that?’
Do you
really have to ask? Probably not,
she thought bitterly
. She was too
numb to try
to
pull her hands free.

‘
I
… I saw Alice
,
and we talked a bit.’

She blinked away the acidic tears of disappointment brought on by t
he undisputed tenderness in his voice.