Clouds That Were (Weathered Hearts) (16 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Tenley

T
he next few
days are spent the same way. Dr. Mihalus and Dr. Kerins both seem like they are truly trying to figure out how to help me. They could both see that I am in a messed up situation as soon as they tried to get my mother involved in my treatment.

Several times they tried to set up meetings with her and me, but she kept saying that she didn’t want to give me the attention I was so obviously trying to get so desperately.

They both explained to her that without her participation in my treatment, they were going to have to draw their own conclusions based solely upon what I was telling them, and she didn’t seem to care. This, of course, surprised them, but not me. She explained to them that she was working with her sister to make arrangements for me to go to stay with her.

A sister that she hasn’t talked to in as long as I can remember, who I haven’t seen for years. A sister who lives fifty miles away in some little shitberg town in the middle of Wisconsin somewhere. All I really know about her is that she and her family spend a lot of time at church, and that my mother really has no use for her.

I express these thoughts to my doctors, and they explain to me that since she is my legal guardian that even if they determine she is not the best person for me to live with, who I live with is ultimately still her decision.

Obviously, I would prefer to live with my grandparents and not have to switch schools or leave Chase. Now that I have finally realized that I want to at least try to be happy with him, I don’t want to move an hour away to live with someone I barely know.

Between all of that drama and the group sessions and art therapy, I am feeling much better about things for the most part.

They finally moved me up to the pediatric psych ward yesterday, and I have met some other kids my age who share similar problems.

This is the hardest part of my stay here, however. Today is visiting day, and everyone has someone who comes to see them, except me. Usually I try to stay in my room because I am still working through the pain of what my mother has done and because it still really bothers me to see other mothers with their daughters. It bothers me on an entirely different level that she doesn’t allow anyone else to come and visit. I would love to see my grandparents or anyone, really. But I would especially love to see Chase.

However, instead of staying in my room as I normally do, both of my doctors have encouraged me to go and sit in the day room to observe the interactions between the other patients and their parents. I slip on some slippers that one of the nurses brought for me and shuffle down the hallway. When I pass the nurses’ station, I wave and smile as I always do. There is a man standing there whom I haven’t seen before. I assume he is the father of a new patient or something. When he sees the nurses wave to someone behind him, he turns to look and freezes when he sees me walking by. I half-smile at the creepy guy staring at me and speed up my walk a little bit. When I get to the day room, I turn to see if he is still there; and he is, still looking at me as though I am going to grow another head or something. I can tell the nurses are trying to get him to pay attention to them. They finally get his attention, and he turns back to them.

I get the feeling that I knew him, even though I know I have never met him. Yes, it was creepy having him just stand there and stare at me like that, but normally in that situation, I would have just kept walking. I felt oddly connected to him in some way, however, like I couldn’t just walk away.

I shake my head and find a spot on a chair in the corner. I have been learning about drawing in my art class, and I am not half-bad, if I do say so myself. Nowhere near as good as Chase, obviously, but I can see why he loves it so much. There is something very powerful in having a pencil in my hand and being able to control what happens on the paper. That’s probably why they encourage it so much in here. I can use the paper and pencil to express my feelings in a way that I was never able to before. It’s very therapeutic. Because they are using this as another tool in my recovery. they assign us things to draw. Today I am working on drawing a self-portrait, a project which is, by far, my least favorite so far. I am working on it, though, and I am trying to draw myself the way I think Chase sees me, not how I see myself. Or how my mother sees me. I just get a good start when Nurse Katie, my favorite nurse, comes in.

She sees me and walks over and sits on the footstool in front of me. She looks very worried; that concern, in turn, worries me.

“Hey, you have a visitor,” she beamed.

“What? Who? I thought I wasn’t allowed any visitors? Oh my God, it’s not my mother is it?”

“No,” she laughs. “It’s your dad.”

“My dad? I’ve never even met my dad. Are you sure?”

“Yes, quite sure. He says that a boy showed up at his house today and told him the situation and talked him into coming up to see you.”

“It must have been Chase. Is Chase here, too? Can I see him?” I ask excitedly.

“He is, but I called Dr. Mihalus, and he wants you to spend some time with your dad first. Your mom doesn’t know that either of them are here, but he is your dad, so he does have the right to say that you can see him. There isn’t anything your mom can do about that.”

“Oh my gosh, what if he hates me for what I’ve done? This isn’t really how I pictured meeting my dad for the first time,” I stammer.

“Well, you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to, but Dr. Mihalus thought it would be good for you.”

“Okay, well, I will talk to him then, I guess.”

“Do you want me to have him come in here, or do you want me to see if one of the other rooms is empty so that you can have some privacy?”

“Here, I think. I don’t have any idea what I am going to say to him; at least there are other people in here, so it won’t be too deathly silent if we can’t come up with anything to say. Wait, is he the guy who was standing by your station when I walked past? Is that why he looked at me like that?”

“Yes, that was him. I’m going to go get him. Just be yourself, and I promise he will love you.” She pats my knee and stands up to go to get my dad. My dad. My dad is here, and Chase found him. This is completely unexpected. I don’t even know his name, and I have never mentioned him to Chase; therefore, I have no idea how he would even have known to look for him or where to find him. I don’t even think he lives in Wisconsin. Did Chase fly somewhere or drive somewhere to get him and bring him back? This is too much to process right now.

Nurse Katie is back with my dad in tow. He looks like he is about to puke. If I were to guess, I probably have a similar look on my face. They walk over to me, and I don’t know if I should stand up and hug him or remain seated. I don’t have time to finish the thought, however, because he sits on the chair next to mine.

“Tenley, this is your dad, David. David, meet your daughter.” She has such a huge smile on her face, it’s hard not to smile with her. “I will let you two talk and if you need anything, just come and get me, okay?”

We both nod at her as she rubs my shoulder, reassuring me once again that this will be fine. Then she turns and leaves the room.

I’m not sure how long we both just sit there in silence. He is fiddling nervously with his hands, and I am playing with the pencil I was holding before my world was suddenly flipped upside down.

I hear him clear his throat, and I look up. He gestures to the drawing on my lap. “Did you draw that?” he asks.

“Um, yeah. But it’s not very good,” I whisper, trying to cover it the best I can with my hand.

“Do you mind if I see?” he asks hopefully.

“Sure, I guess.” I don’t really know how I could have said “no,” even though I really don’t want anyone to see it. I slowly hand it over to him anyway.

He holds it in his hand and looks at it for quite a while before he says anything. “Is this you?” he asks looking at me.

“Well it’s supposed to be, but like I said, it’s not very good.”

“I’m not an artist or anything, but I think it’s really good.” He smiles as he hands it back to me.

“Thanks,” I reply.

“So this is kind of awkward, huh?”

“Yeah,” I giggle “A little.”

“Well, I’m glad that I finally get to meet you. I haven’t seen you other than in pictures since you were two.”

“You saw me when I was a baby?”

“Yeah, you didn’t know that? Your mom and I stayed together until right after your first birthday. She let me see you for the year after that, but then she started keeping you from me. Your grandma sent me pictures all the time, though, so I at least got to kind of see you.”

“Why didn’t you ever visit?”

“Your mom wouldn’t let me. I had a drinking problem, and she used that against me in the court to get them to say I needed to give her at least twenty-four-hours’ notice before I was going to be there. Every time I did, she would make sure you were gone so that I wouldn’t be able to see you. After a few years of that, I guess I just kind of gave up. I am a recovering alcoholic now, but I have only been sober for about a year. I just really didn’t have it in me to fight with her when I was drinking. I had no idea how bad things were for you, though. I would like to say that if I had, I would have done something more, but I don’t know what, if anything, I could have done.”

“I understand. It’s hard to keep fighting for a kid you didn’t want in the first place,” I say sadly.

“I wanted you from the moment we found out your mom was pregnant. She did, too, I think.”

“She most definitely did not want me.”

“Did you know that when she was pregnant, the doctors told us you were a boy? Your mom was so excited, we rushed out immediately and bought you the cutest little Brewer jersey we could find.” He leans over and places his hand on my knee until I look up at him. He and I both have tears in our eyes. “We had named you Jeremy Brian. We called you that for the rest of the pregnancy. When you came out and the doctor said, “It’s a girl,” we were both so stunned, but we were both happy. I am so sorry that you didn’t feel that love your whole life.

“She always told me you left as soon as you found out she was pregnant and that neither of you wanted me.” I sobbed.

“I have no idea what happened to her that made her do this to you, but she did love you once. Had I known that would change, maybe I could have done something.”

“I’m really glad you’re here now.” I smile weakly.

“Me, too. Your boyfriend is quite a guy.”

“Yeah, he really is. How did he find you anyway?”

“I don’t know. I was so shocked when he told me you were here, I never even asked.” He chuckled.

“Do you live in Wisconsin?”

“No, I live in Nebraska. You actually have a brother and a sister.”

“Really? Wait, so Chase came to Nebraska to bring you here?”

“No, I just happened to be in town visiting my mom, and that is where is found me. It really is an incredible coincidence if you think about it.”

“Wow. So how long are you here for?”

“I’m leaving in three days. My wife and kids are still back in Nebraska.”

“Oh,” I say feeling defeated. In my mind I was thinking that maybe I could live with him instead of my nutty aunt.

“I am definitely going to come back and visit as often as I can, though, and maybe this summer we can even have you come to Nebraska so that you can meet your brother and sister. What do you think about that?”

“I think that sounds nice.” I smile.

“Alright, well, I have put Chase on the allowed visitors list so that he can see you, but I’m sure once Jess finds out, she is going to take him right back off. So you better make this a good visit, okay?

“Okay, thanks Davi… Dad.”

“No problem.” He hands me a business card. “My phone number and email address are both on there. I want you to use them anytime okay? Suicide is not the answer. If you feel that way again, call me, and we will figure something out.”

He leans over and gives me a kiss on the forehead. “You really are a very beautiful girl. From what the doctors told me, you are very smart and strong too. I know I didn’t have anything to do with any of that, but I am proud of you.”

He turns back around one last time, again with tears in his eyes and says “I will send Chase in. He really does love you. I hope you can see that.”

“I do now.” I smile, and with that, he’s gone.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Chase

I
really thought that
somehow when she was moved to the psych ward and out of the emergency room, that I would be able to see her. I can’t believe that her mother is still not letting her have any visitors at all. It would be one thing if she were truly doing it so that Tenley could focus all her energy on getting better, but that isn’t why. She is doing it for exactly the opposite reason. It’s really starting to piss me off.

I absolutely refuse to just sit by and allow this to happen, so my plan for today is to go and sit at the hospital and bug the staff until they let me see her, even if it’s only for a second. I want her to know that I still love her and that I will be here for her when she gets out.

Making sure that I have pencils, charcoals and some paper in my backpack to keep me busy, I grab it and head out of the door. My dad, of course, says that this isn’t going to work, but I have to believe it could.

When I get to the hospital, I grab the elevator and head for the third floor. There is a large door with a buzzer to get in, so I push the button. It crackles and someone on the inside says “Can I help you?”

Trying to sound like I belong here, I respond “Yes, I am here to see a patient, Tenley Alexander?”

“Are you her father?”

“Um no,” I chuckle “Her boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry, but only her parents are allowed to visit at this time, per her mother’s request.”

Think fast Chase… ”Yeah, her mom actually sent me up here with some stuff to give to her.”

“She actually specifically told us not to let you in or to give her anything, so I’m sorry, but you will have to leave.”

Bitch.

“I’m not leaving. I just want to see that she is okay.”

“There isn’t anything I can do unless one of her parents gives us permission. I’m sorry.”

Deflated and discouraged, I sit down in the chair outside of the door. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I really didn’t think it would be this hard either. I guess I didn’t really know what to expect.

Grabbing my stuff from my backpack, I settle in and start drawing in the hope that my mind will offer me some idea that it hasn’t already. There has to be a way to see her; there just has to. I sit for about an hour and then decide to try a different approach. I walk over and push the button one more time.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh, yeah, this is Tenley’s boyfriend again. Any chance you could just bring her by the window just so I can look at her?”

“No. Why are you still here? I already told you that you can’t see her.”

“I know that, but the thing is, I love her, and I need to make sure she knows that. I can’t do that if I can’t communicate to her.”

“You will have to talk to her parents. They are the ones who said no visitors. This really is out of my hands.”

“Wait, her parents? Both of them?”

“I can’t give you any more information. Sorry.”

Ugh, this is so frustrating. Her parents, though? She has never even mentioned her dad. I didn’t realize that he was even in the picture. Could it be that he, too, doesn’t want her to see me or anyone else for that matter? I know her mother hasn’t been up to see her, but maybe her dad has? How the hell am I going to figure out who he is? Maybe I can talk some sense into him.

With a renewed sense of hope, I pack up my stuff and get down to my truck as fast as humanly possible. Once I’m in the truck, I pick up my phone and call my dad.

“Hey, bud,” he answers “did it work? Did they let you see her?”

“No, not even close, but I have an idea. The nurse said something about her parents being the ones who said no visitors but T has never even mentioned her dad. Do you know how I could figure out who he is?”

“Well, I’m sure with enough time we could figure it out on the internet. Maybe. Why don’t you come home? I will start looking and see what I can find.”

“Okay, I am just leaving the hospital now; I should be home in about twenty minutes. Thanks, dad.”

“No problem—see you in a little bit.” And he hangs up.

I have hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know where he is or what he is like, but he can’t possibly be as nuts as her mother, although it is odd that Tenley has never even mentioned him.

I pull in the driveway and out of habit glance over at her house again. I see Jessica and Rick unloading some stuff from the car. Looks like baby stuff. I think at this moment it is fortunate that Tenley isn’t here. My heart tells me that seeing this and how her mother clearly doesn’t give a shit about her at all would break her heart.

I grab my stuff and walk into the house, and my dad is waiting by the door.

“That was not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. It took me all of two minutes to find it. According to this site I found, her dad’s name is David Torbeck. He has lived in Nebraska for the last 5 years. I called the number that was listed and he is actually in town staying with his mom.”

“Do you know where his mom lives?”

“As a matter of fact, I do.” he hands me a piece of paper. “That’s the address and his name.”

“What do you think I should do, just go over there? I don’t know anything about this guy. Does he even know he has a daughter?”

“I didn’t ask him.”

“Alright, well, it’s worth a shot I guess, right?”

“Absolutely. Good luck. Wait, do you want me to come with you?”

“No, this is something I need to do on my own. Thanks for offering, though.”

“Of course. Are you going now, or do you want to go grab something to eat?”

“I better go now before I lose my nerve. Thanks again for your help. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You would manage. I’ll see you later. Let me know what happens.”

“I will call you as soon as I leave his house.” With that, I am out of the door once again.

My phone GPS says his house should take about twenty-five minutes to get to, so that gives me twenty-five minutes to come up with what to say. This is my only chance to get in to see Tenley, so I have to make sure that whatever I say works. Not knowing anything about him or his relationship with Tenley makes it almost impossible to plan what to say. I think about it the entire drive there and realize, as I pull into the driveway, that I am going to have to just wing it.

Here goes nothing, I think to myself, as I get out of the truck and walk up to the door. I ring the doorbell, and I hear a dog barking and then footsteps. A man who looks to be in his forties answers the door. “Yeah?”

I know it is him immediately. His eyes are almost exactly the same as Tenley’s, same chocolate brown and everything. “Um, are you David Torbeck?” I ask.

“Yeah, who wants to know?”

“Well, my name is Chase. You have a daughter, Tenley? I am her boyfriend.”

“Is she alright?” he asks, his face suddenly becoming concerned.

“Yeah, I mean, for the most part. Do you mind if I come in?” I ask.

“Um, yeah, come on in.”

He opens the door and gestures for me to head into the kitchen which is straight ahead. We sit down at the small table where it appears as if he had been sitting before I got here. He grabs the small remote on the table and turns off the TV on the counter.

“So what is going on? You said Tenley is okay for the most part. What does that mean?”

I explain the whole story to him about how she tried to kill herself, how my dad and I found her, and how her mother won’t let anyone see her.

“Her mother has always been a little off. I haven’t seen Tenley since she was about seven, because every time I tried to contact her or see her, her mother made sure she wasn’t around. Does Tenley know you’re here?”

“No, that’s the thing,” I explain “I can’t talk to her or anything, and I really just want to make sure she is okay and that she knows I love her. She has had a really rough life with her mother, and I don’t know… I guess I just thought that maybe you could do something. The hospital said that only her parents were allowed to see her or to say who else could see her.”

“So you want me to go to the hospital just so you can see her? Her mother will never allow that.”

“See, that’s the thing, though. You are her dad. Whether her mother likes it or not, that gives you certain rights, including being able to see your daughter.”

“I don’t even know that Tenley would want to see me. Who knows what her mother has told her about me? If she is so depressed that she tried to end her own life, I certainly don’t want to pop into her life and make it worse.”

“Knowing what I know about the situation, she would probably be more than happy to hear that you care about her. Her mother probably has told her that you just walked away and didn’t give a damn about her at all. That is, after all, kind of her thing. She belittles her whenever she gets the chance and uses every opportunity to remind her that she is not and will not ever be loved by anyone.”

“That isn’t the case at all. I sent letters; I tried to visit, but her mother did everything in her power to keep me away. I hope you understand that I didn’t know it was that bad. I would have done something more if I had known,” he says sadly.

“I am not here to judge. I just want your help. If you love her, then go see her and help her to see that she does have at least one person who loves her.”

“Do you love her?” he asks.

“Very much so, and I need her to know that, and that’s why I came to see you.”

“If this will help her, then I will do it. I love her, too. She is my daughter, and I would like her to know that I am here for her as well, if she will have me. I will follow you to the hospital, but if she doesn’t want to see me or can’t or whatever, then I don’t know what else I can do.”

“Let’s just get there and see what happens.” With that, we both get in our cars, and I lead the way to the hospital.

This better work. It has to. My heart is beating so hard that I can hardly breathe. I am finally going to get to see her. I just hope she still loves me as much as she said she did the last time we talked. And that seeing her dad will be good for her.