ClownFellas (4 page)

The boss took Earl to the animal shelter on the other side of the building. The place was like an indoor zoo, filled with all manner of circus animals. A yellow-haired clown woman scrubbed the backside of an elephant in a tutu. The confined creature trumpeted at them as they passed its cage. A zebra kicked over a bucket of its own feces into their path while an old clown janitor tried to sweep out its enclosure. Earl didn't like seeing the animals in such small confines. They didn't seem exactly neglected, but they didn't look happy, either. It was obvious they were in need of a proper caretaker and a proper habitat.

“These are my children,” said Don Bozo as they passed the giraffes, the seals, the ball-balancing bear. “I've raised them since they were just pups.”

As they walked, the boss made balloon animals. He pumped them full of air then twisted them into shape, sculpting them to match each animal they passed. When they came to the ponies, he made a balloon pony. When they came to an ostrich, he made a balloon ostrich. But these weren't ordinary balloon animals. Once Bozo twisted them into shape, the creatures came to life. They fell to the floor and walked around, sniffing at Earl's heels.

“They need more space,” said the vet, kicking a balloon pony out of his way.

“Don't worry about them,” said the boss, dropping a balloon boa constrictor on the ground. “They got plenty of room when we let them go in the field out back. They're better taken care of than most animals in the circus.”

The balloon snake coiled around Earl's leg and squeezed. He couldn't pry the thing loose. Captain Spotty had to pop it with his pointy green fingernail to get it off. The boss didn't notice.

“At least they're well fed,” Earl said, as they passed a morbidly obese kangaroo sitting like a drunken couch potato inside a tractor tire.

The lion was at the end of the line, away from the other animals. She had her own private room. A pink sign on the door read
HAPPYTOOTH
.
Inside, it was like a luxury hotel suite. The beast even had a heart-shaped king bed to sleep in. The boss obviously spoiled the creature like he would his own daughter. He probably loved her even more than his real kids.

“There she is,” Bozo said with a sigh. “My poor, sweet little girl.”

The lion was lying on a rug on the other side of the bed. She was medicated and hooked up to an IV drip. One side of the animal's face was so swollen that her eye was squeezed shut.

“Have you ever seen a sadder sight?” the boss said.

Earl nodded. “I'd like to examine her now if possible.”

“Of course, Doc. Of course.” Bozo turned to his men. “All you mugs outside, on the double.”

“But boss…,” a bodyguard said.

“The doc's scared of clowns. I don't want him any more nervous than he already is.”

“You really want us to leave you alone with this guy?” another guard said.

“He's just a vet. What could he possibly do to me?”

“Come on, move it,” Spotty said, pushing the three brick-wall-sized clowns out the door.

The boss grumbled at his men. “Ya buncha lousy bums. Think I can't take care of myself? Who do you think I am?”

When the door closed and Earl was alone with Don Bozo, the boss gave him a stern look.

He said, “So you think you can save her, Doc?”

Earl glanced over at the lion. “Yeah, I do. It looks worse than it is. Once I cut it out, she'll be right as rain.”

The boss's demeanor suddenly changed. It took Earl by surprise. All of a sudden, a droopy frown appeared on Bozo's face and his white bulldog jowls trembled.

“Oh, thank God!” Bozo cried.

Then the big man burst into tears. He wrapped his flabby arms around Earl and squeezed him into his belly, bawling his eyes out. It was as though he'd bottled up his emotions that whole time, trying to act tough in front of his men, only now letting them all out.

“I don't know what I'd do without you, Doc,” the boss sobbed, squishing his big red nose into Earl's shoulder. “She's all I have in the world.”

Earl didn't know what to do but pat the clown's back with one hand. He wasn't expecting the hardened criminal to get so emotional on him. It was enough to make him feel sorry for the guy.

As Earl opened his case of equipment, Bozo hummed a clown lullaby, stroking Happytooth's fluffy mane while the animal purred like a buzz saw. The boss's back was turned. Earl knew it was the perfect time to strike, but he wasn't mentally prepared to go through with it. As he filled the syringe with sodium thiopental, he wondered if there was any other way out of his situation. He had a little over half an hour to send a photo of a dead clown to the Frenchman or his family was done for. He thought about telling the mob boss about his situation, try to get his help to save his family, but he couldn't risk Bozo turning him down and throwing him out on his ass. There was also the police, but what good would they do? They'd just get his family killed. His best option was to follow the Frenchman's orders, even if there was little chance of him saving himself. With those guards outside the door, all he could hope to do was send the picture to his wife's phone before they plugged him.

“Don't worry, Happytooth. He's gonna fix you up good as new.” Bozo wiped a tear from his cheek and turned to Earl. “Almost ready there, Doc?”

“Yeah,” Earl said, holding the massive needle in the air.

When the boss turned back to the lion, Earl lunged at the clown and stuck him with the syringe.

“What the fuck?” Bozo cried. His tone changed from sad to livid.

After he was done pumping the fluid into the clown's arm, Earl jumped away seconds before the boss could grab him by the throat.

“What the hell is this shit?” asked the boss, looking down at the needle sticking out of his arm.

Earl's hands were so shaky he could hardly hang on to his phone as he dug it out of his pocket. He switched it to camera mode and pointed it at the boss, waiting for the big man to fall over.

But the boss clown stayed standing.

“Are you freakin' kidding me?” Bozo asked.

Something was wrong.

“Why are you still upright?” Earl cried. “I injected you with enough sodium thiopental to put down a cow.”

The boss pulled out the needle. “You didn't inject me with shit.”

The arm fell out of the clown's sleeve and plopped onto the floor. It was made of cloth and plastic. It was a fake—a gag arm used for practical jokes. Earl had no idea how he hadn't noticed it before. He could have sworn the clown was using both hands when making the balloon animals. But there it was, lying there before him. The clown must have switched it out when he wasn't looking. But it didn't matter anymore. He failed his mission. He failed his family. He never should have taken this job.

Earl shook his head as the big man got to his feet. “I'm sorry. I didn't have a choice.”

Bozo's real arm slipped out of the baggy sleeve. His fingers curled into a fist. “You no-good rotten prick.”

The last thing Earl saw before blacking out was a row of white knuckles coming at him like a brick.

When his eye opened, Earl Berryman found himself tied to a dusty carousel horse in some kind of storage room. He couldn't open the other eye on account of it being swollen shut like a liquor store on Sunday. There were others in the room with him but he was too dizzy to make out what they were saying. He faded in and out of consciousness. When his vision cleared, he saw Captain Spotty's menacing grin inches away from his face.

“You awake, Doc?” Spotty asked.

Earl mumbled out the closest thing he could to a “Yeah.”

“Good,” Spotty said. “I was waiting until you could feel this.”

The clown punched him in the gut so hard the vet puked up the corned beef hash he'd had for breakfast.

“You think you can come in here and put
our
boss on ice?” said Hats Rizzo, splitting the vet's lip with a punch to the kisser. “You got a lotta nerve for a dead man.”

Hats punched him in the mouth again. Then he kicked him in the stomach with his club-sized shoe.

“That's enough,” said the man in the back of the room, tossing his cigarette to the floor.

Vinnie Blue Nose stepped into Earl's field of vision as the other two clowns backed away.

“Who are you working for?” Vinnie asked.

He didn't threaten to hurt Earl. He didn't have to. One look in those piercing clown eyes of his and Earl knew he wasn't the kind of guy you dared lie to.

“I don't work for anybody. I'm a veterinarian.”

“Then why'd you try to kill the boss?”

“I didn't want to.” Earl drooled blood. “I got a call. Just after I got here, some guy called me and told me to do it. He said he'd kill my wife and kids if I didn't.”

“Is this true?” Spotty asked.

“I swear.” Earl looked at Vinnie. “
You
heard my phone ring.”

“Who was it?” Vinnie asked.

Earl shook his head. “I don't know. Some guy with a French accent.”

Hats and Spotty looked at each other.

“Le Mystère…,” Hats said.

“Those motherfucking frog-eating bastards!” Spotty yelled, then he kicked the side of the carousel horse.

“Who's Le Mystère?” Earl asked.

“French clowns,” Vinnie said, pulling a new cigarette out of his pack. “They're a rival family who's been trying to muscle in on our territory for the past year.” He paused to light his cigarette and take a drag. “Real nasty pieces of work.”

“They're the ones who have my wife and kids?”

Vinnie put a cigarette in Earl's mouth and lit it for him.

“I'm sorry,” Vinnie said. “If it's Le Mystère behind this, your loved ones are already dead.”

“Cut him loose,” Vinnie said as he returned to the storage room where they were keeping Earl Berryman.

Captain Spotty pulled his candy knife out of his bow tie and did as he was told. Then the two clowns left the vet alone with the capo.

“The boss agreed to cut a deal with you,” Vinnie said.

Earl looked up at him, rubbing his wrists where his bonds had cut off the circulation. “What kind of deal?”

“He still needs you to operate on his lion,” Vinnie said. “Save Happytooth and he agrees that we'll save your family.”

“But you said my family's already dead.”

“Not necessarily,” Vinnie said. “There's a chance they're still alive.”

“But not for long,” Earl said. “The Frenchman said he was going to kill them if I didn't send a picture of your boss's dead body. I'm not going to be able to perform an operation before the time runs out.”

“You have plenty of time. We already sent them this.” Vinnie held out Earl's phone. It showed a picture of Don Bozo, lying on the ground with the syringe poking into his gag arm. It was staged, but looked real enough. “We also texted them a message saying that you got out of The Show alive.”

“So you think they'll let my family go now?”

Vinnie shook his head. “Not a chance. But since they think you got out alive, you've become a loose end. They'll be waiting for you back at your place. And if they're smart, they'll keep your family at hand just in case they need to lure you in.”

“So there's a good chance they'll make it? You'll be able to rescue them?”

“First things first. You got a surgery to perform. If it goes smoothly, then we'll talk about your family.”

Earl's eyes lit up with hope. “I can't believe it…I thought I'd never see them again…”

“Hold up.” Vinnie grabbed him by the shoulder. “I never said anything about you seeing them again. I said we'd save your
family.
You, on the other hand, are dead either way.”

The vet heard what Blue Nose was saying loud and clear. He didn't want to die, but Earl knew he was a dead man. He had to suck it up and move forward. If he didn't want his family to die with him, the surgery had to be a success.

This time, the boss didn't attend the surgery. Two clown women who ordinarily took care of the animals dressed up like nurses and assisted the vet. They batted their long blue eyelashes at him and honked their red noses every time they handed the doctor a tool. The vet told them it was unsanitary to touch their noses like that, but they seemed to do it impulsively.

As he performed the operation, with the lion's face peeled back, the meaty tumor exposed, it reminded him of the time his oldest daughter cracked her head open on the driveway. It was one of the most frightening days of his life. For a moment there, when he saw her lying in a pool of blood, he thought he'd lost her.

“This is why I told you to wear a helmet!” Earl's wife yelled at their teenage daughter as she lay in the driveway. “I told you this was going to happen. Didn't I tell you?”

Sarah was trembling. She gripped her father's hand tightly as he examined her scalp.

The mother hovered over her daughter, blocking out the sunlight. “I never should have let you get that skateboard! Only boys can ride skateboards. You're lucky you didn't break your neck!”

Earl looked up at his wife. “Laurie, calm down. She's in shock.”

Laurie ignored him. “This is going in the trash.” She picked up the skateboard and tossed it in the garbage can.

Sarah reached out. “My skateboard…”

“And I forbid you from hanging out with those spike-haired friends of yours. They're responsible for this.”

“Can you drop it already?” Earl said. “Help me get her inside.”

The wife huffed at him. She was so furious he didn't want to go near her. Complaining was the only way she knew how to deal with situations like this. It was the only way she could keep her mind off the seriousness of what was happening. She did the same thing to Earl when he broke his leg in a car accident a year after they were married.

“Come on,” Earl said.

Laurie took her daughter's legs and helped carry her into the house. She groaned when Sarah's blood got all over her. “Eww, there's blood everywhere…Don't get any on the carpet.”

Inside, they put Sarah on the couch. She was able to sit upright, but was visibly dizzy.

Laurie looked down at the blood on her clothes. “Damn it, you ruined my dress.”

Earl got a better look at his daughter's head. The bottom half of her scalp was shaved, so it was easy to see the wound through her hair. A flap of skin dangled open. He could see a pink skull behind the flesh. “She's going to need stitches. We should take her to the emergency room.”

“We can't afford that,” Laurie said. “
You
can fix her up.”

“I'm a veterinarian.”

“So?”

“So it's illegal. I could lose my license.”

“Just do it. Who's going to find out? You'd probably do a better job than the ER doctors anyway.”

Earl didn't want to argue. “Fine. Get my stuff.”

Earl's youngest daughter, Mandy, stood behind her older sister. Staring at the gaping wound on Sarah's head, her expression was that of amazement instead of worry.

“Sarah, you have another mouth on your head!” Mandy said, pointing at the wound. “Can you talk through it?”

“Mandy, go play with Vicky,” Earl said.

“But I want to see her talk through the mouth on her head,” Mandy said.

“Leave her alone. She hurt herself.”

When he was done sewing up his daughter's scalp, he gave her a bowl of ice cream. Even though she was practically a woman, she could still be cheered up by ice cream.

“Don't let Mom throw away my skateboard,” Sarah said.

Earl poured caramel sauce on his daughter's sundae. It was her favorite. “Do you really want to keep skating after this?”

“Everybody falls down when they first start,” she said.

Earl smiled at her. He couldn't believe how much she'd grown up. “I'll tell you what. Once your head heals and your mother calms down, I'll buy you a new skateboard. As long as you promise me you'll always wear a helmet.”

He brushed the lock of green hair out of her face.

“Get me a helmet that's not embarrassing and you've got a deal. This never would have happened if Mom didn't force me to wear her ugly old cyclist helmet instead of buying me a new one.”

She smiled and took a big bite of ice cream. The caramel turned her lips sticky and tan.

When Laurie entered the kitchen and saw her daughter eating the ice cream, she rolled her eyes and said, “You shouldn't be eating that junk. You're going to get fat.”

“Are you kidding?” Earl said. “She's the scrawniest kid in her school. A few extra pounds would be good for her.”

Sarah laughed and took another bite. “I'm not the scrawniest.”

Laurie put the gallon of ice cream back in the freezer and left the room. She always resented the fact that Sarah was a daddy's girl.

As Earl patched up the lion, he realized Sarah wouldn't be able to be a daddy's girl anymore. Even if she forgave him for all he put her through, even if she didn't blame him for the strange men that broke into her house and kidnapped her at gunpoint, even if she got through the whole ordeal unscathed, she was never going to see her father ever again.