Coconuts and Wonderbras (20 page)

I shiver. Does he have to make us sound like a black dustbin bag?

    ‘This is all very well but I have a life to get back to and people who will be worried about me. What about my parents. I really should phone them,’ I say firmly while pulling several cake tins out of a drawer. ‘Issy is expecting me to phone her tomorrow.’

    ‘I’m afraid both Toby and Penelope will have to think we’ve been kidnapped. This also applies to your parents and Issy. I will need your phone, Libby. These two fine gentlemen will be at risk if Pong even gets a whiff that we foiled his plans.’

    ‘Holy strawberries Batman! We're in a jam!’ I say with a smirk.

    ‘Indeed, Robin. It's sometimes difficult to think clearly when you're strapped to a printing press,’ he retorts with a similar smirk on his face. There is also something else in his expression but it’s difficult to read. Could it possibly be appreciation?

He does have a sense of humour and God, he is so gorgeous. Good heavens, if I am to be holed up with him for an indefinite period who knows what I will be capable of. Then again, if I walked around naked all day I don’t imagine he would even notice me. If only he wasn’t so damn irritating. I hand him my phone and walk to the room he has assigned me. It is actually the best room I have seen so far since arriving in Cambodia. I have a huge bed, my own en suite, and, I am pleased to report, plenty of loo paper. However, on the down side, I only have a few things to wear. I hardly took any of our clothes from the hotel because I was so panicked that Penelope would return. Frankly, this whole business seems totally crazy. I really can’t believe that anyone would care about Alex and me, well not
me
anyway. There is a soft tap on the door and before I can respond he has walked in. He has changed into a pair of shorts and a white shirt, and there go my eyes again. Why did Issy have to mention his huge penis?

    ‘Are you okay?’ he asks gently.

I force my eyes up.

    ‘What, oh yes. I was just thinking about your pe… predicament,’ I stammer, sitting down on the bed. He sits beside me and I think about locking the door and molesting him while I have the chance. I have a vivid imagination. As if I could handle a man like him. He was quite right at the airport of course, when he said ‘
perhaps you’ve never been with a real man before.
’ I certainly have never been with a man like Alex Bryant before.

    ‘We have someone bringing supplies. Is there anything in particular you would like? I hope you don’t mind but I did hint to the guys that you bake cakes and good ones, so Jamie told me. We can get you what you need and you could make some,’ he says raising his eyebrows several times at me.

My God, he is serious.

    ‘I suppose I could,’ I say hesitantly.

    ‘I’m presuming you can make them without a cookbook.’

What an insult. So, an hour later while Alex prepares dinner I make a cheesecake and a lemon drizzle. Dinner is a lamb curry which is superb with fragrant rice. The meal is a bit uncomfortable. We eat silently, sizing each other up. After all, we are going to be housemates for, I actually don’t know how long. I decide to ask Alex later when he thinks we can all go home. Mr Navy washes up and I excuse myself to the small sitting room. The doors are open wide and I feel cool and comfortable and pleasantly weary. I’m quite pleased with myself as I haven’t touched the cake at all. Alex strolls in with two mugs of tea and sits on the couch opposite me.

    ‘I made you some camomile tea. So, how goes it Robin?’ he asks.

I am beginning to think he isn’t so bad after all. Issy would be proud of me if she knew that I had finally seen the light.

    ‘I’m coming to terms with being a wanted woman, in fact, it is quite liberating. It’s just a shame I can’t share it with my friends on Facebook of course.’

What a great status update, I am almost tempted.
Holed up with the lovely Alex Bryant and just waiting for the Cambodian government to storm the place. Have had a very exciting day so far…
No, I don’t think so.

    ‘I’m sorry about the mobile business. I imagine you’re desperate to speak to Toby?’

I feel a tingle of excitement when I note it is more of a question than a statement.

    ‘Not really. To tell you the truth we had a bit of a disagreement. He got quite possessive, especially after you used my Wonderbra.’

Annoyingly I feel myself blush. I take a sip from my tea in the hope to hide my embarrassment. Why am I talking about my bra and looking at his crotch? Now, here is a man that mother approves of. He speaks nicely and father would enjoy talking to him. And here is me, overweight, lacking confidence and without the foggiest idea of what is or isn’t the right outfit for a posh function. I don’t move countries. I don’t even move towns. Come to think of it, I simply don’t move. I’m as far from the right woman for Alex Bryant as any woman could be, whereas Penelope is most certainly the right woman. She has the right name for a start, and the right ‘breeding’ no doubt, not to mention the right long legs that come up to her armpits and the marvellous right job. I wonder what Penelope is doing now, is she phoning the British Embassy to report us missing?

    ‘I hadn’t realised it was a Wonderbra but that explains a lot. If it can rescue us from rebels and sinking boats think what it could do for you?’ He grins at me.

    ‘You should be in advertising,’ I say without thinking and immediately regret the remark as it reminds him of Penelope. At least I hope that is the reason his face drops. Oh, that was mean of me.

    ‘You don’t think Toby is being a little immature? I’m an ex-SAS officer, I’m trained to improvise and use whatever weapon is available. The rebels wouldn’t have hurt us. I just knew that if I hit the bell they would retreat to the temple. My biggest worry was that they would try and kidnap us as, unfortunately, we are perfect bartering material to get some of their colleagues released.’

His voice is so smooth and soft that I find myself mesmerised.

    ‘I was quite happy for you to use my bra,’ I say and bite my lip. What a silly thing to say.

    ‘Let me get a jug of the local brew and some of your lemon drizzle,’ he says suddenly and leaves the room, giving me time to fan myself. He reappears with two glasses, a jug and a plate of cake.

    ‘Lucky and Navy are playing cards. I said we would be going to bed soon…’

I blush and I see him wince.

    ‘Let’s have a drink,’ he says quickly, and pours liquid from the jug into the glasses. Good God, he is embarrassed. Have I actually misunderstood his comments and he really does like me? Well, sod a dog, wouldn’t mother and Issy be impressed. Sod them, I’m bloody impressed.

    ‘I’m just relieved their names aren’t Army and Navy,’ I say, laughing, ‘or Happy go Lucky’.

He hands me the drink and takes a sip of his own.

    ‘I want you to be prepared. The news will be out tomorrow that we have been kidnapped. The government will blame the rebels and make it sound much worse than it is. Kidnapping us has two purposes, one is to get us out of the way so I, correction
we,
can’t appear on TV and secondly, it makes the rebels look bad, which is of course the government’s aim. I’m really sorry that I dragged you into this. I really didn’t think it would be this dangerous. Things are getting out of hand here but I didn’t think…’ He stops and thoughtfully sips from his drink. ‘I don’t know what I thought,’ he finishes.

I know I am staring at him. For the first time he seems really vulnerable. He looks up at me and I simply shrug.

    ‘I’ve hypnotised you,’ he smiles.

I think how much mother would like him. Well, she likes him already but she would be so excited to meet him in the flesh. I wonder what she will do when she sees me on the news. Phone all her friends, no doubt. I hope she doesn’t worry too much. No doubt, dad will be very pragmatic and keep her calm. With a sigh I take a sip of my drink and immediately choke as the strong rustic-flavoured liquid hits my tongue and burns my throat.

    ‘It’s potent,’ he laughs, ‘palm-sap wine, courtesy of the safe house’.

    ‘Frankly, this is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. How many women can say their bras were used as a weapon to fight off the enemy?’

There I go, talking about my bra again. Before I know it I’ll be talking about my knickers next. It must be this palm-sap wine, of which I sip some more.

    ‘I really can’t believe this is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to you,’ he says, relaxing back onto the couch and opening his legs as he does so. Don’t look at crotch, I instruct myself. I am unable to speak for a moment.

    ‘What about the time your vibrator blew up the power station?’

I snap my head up and see he is smiling at me. I feel the heat travel up my body.

    ‘That was a joke, obviously,’ I say quietly. ‘I don’t think Orlando has anywhere near enough power in him to blow up a power station.’

He laughs and I bite my lip realising what I have just said.

    ‘You really shouldn’t give your bra all the credit you know,’ he says, leaning forward and refilling my glass. ‘I was impressed with the piece you wrote in Toby’s article and your review of
Life in a War Zone
, although scathing and painful to read, actually had some valid points, and I took note of them when writing the new book.’

That fresh fragrance that is uniquely his wafts over to me and I feel all atremble.

    ‘You did?’ I can’t hide my genuine surprise. He actually took note of my review. Good Lord.

    ‘I rather thought you didn’t take much notice of anyone,’ I say boldly.

    ‘Well, there you’re wrong. Why wouldn’t I?’

Because you’re an arrogant arse I almost say but bite my lip.

    ‘Because you don’t make mistakes and always seem totally in control and…’ I break off when his eyes lock onto mine.

    ‘Is that what you think, that I am always in control? There have been times when I’ve made mistakes.’

    ‘Like publicly slagging off writers just because they can write as well as you?’

Here I go again, putting my foot quite squarely into my mouth. He looks thoughtfully at me.

    ‘No, I can safely say I’ve never made that mistake.’

I feel my blood begin to boil and am about to give a sharp retort when he says softly,

    ‘But I have made serious misjudgements and once almost got a good friend killed in Afghanistan.’

He looks at the floor.

    ‘What happened?’ I ask.

    ‘We were on a mission in Helmand, four of us. I was careless and stupid. As an SAS officer we are trained to spot these things but I just didn’t see it. I led my lads into a trap, it was awful. I thought we were all done for’.

He shifts uncomfortably.

    ‘How did you escape?’ I ask softly.

    ‘There was another squad in the area, and we owe our lives to them. One of my lads was badly wounded, we got out but he lost his leg. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for that.’

I feel I want to put my arm around him to comfort him. I didn’t expect to see him looking so vulnerable.

    ‘By the way you make fabulous cakes,’ he says, suddenly changing the subject.

    ‘But you have never tasted my cakes until now,’ I object.

    ‘Ah, but I have. You made some for the office, and very nice they were too.’

    ‘Toby tells me that. He also tells me to stop eating them,’ I sigh, and realise I have done the one thing I meant not to do. I have drawn attention to my weight.

    ‘Toby seems quite distracted by your weight. Does he not notice your other qualities? I happen to think you’re rather appealing.’

His eyes wash over my body and this time I cannot control my blush. Oh my God, he really is coming onto me. What do I do? Don’t look at crotch, whatever you do, don’t look at crotch. I blush and where do I look? Yes, you’ve got it. I want the floor to open up and swallow me. I can’t even act offended and storm out. Well, of course, I could but there is always the danger of storming out into the arms of Colonel Pong. I drag my eyes from, well you know, and find myself wondering just how huge it actually is. I picture my Facebook status again.
Just seen the intimate side of the lovely Alex Bryant and oh, he really is hung like a horse…
Good grief.

    ‘You are talking about me? You’re not getting me mixed up with someone else by any chance.’

He pretends to look thoughtful.

    ‘It was you in Dirty Doug’s wasn’t it? And it was your bra I used not once but twice and it was you I lifted onto the boat?’

I nod mutely.

    ‘Toby wouldn’t lift me anywhere in case he ruptured himself,’ I mumble.

He smiles and sips from his drink.

    ‘I’m sorry about your friend,’ I say quickly while I have the courage to do so.

He simply nods.

    ‘If you don’t mind me saying, and hopefully you won’t throw one of your wobbly things when I do…’

I raise my eyebrows.

    ‘Toby talks a lot of crap and frankly writes a lot of crap, whereas you are interesting and good company. There are some things I’d really like to do with you.’

Good heavens, has he swallowed a ‘compliment
pill’ or something, or is he buttering me up for something else.

I’ll do whatever.

Well, so much for my consideration of Penelope. But let’s face it, surely in times of danger all niceties go out of the window. It isn’t like I am going home to Orlando and Gordon any day soon. In fact, let’s be morbid, I may never go home to Orlando and Gordon again. In which case, one should grab every opportunity.

    ‘I’ll do whatever,’ I say. Oh, my goodness, I actually did say that too.

    ‘It’s important that while we are here we alert the world to the fact that the government here are corrupt. I know they will spread propaganda that the rebels are bad, violent and dangerous and are trying to topple the government. It is our job to highlight the truth. The people here are suffering under this regime and the rebels are just defending their rights. You can help me expose this.’