Coffin Island (23 page)

“You’ve already captured us,” Madison
said.

“We showed up,” I said. “Give it
up.”

“Stop lollygagging,” Professor Coffin
bellowed. “I’ve been steaming towards this gulag for four
centuries.”

“I’m commuting your sentence, Professor
Coffin,” Kaiser said. “You’re free to go. I’d rather go to prison
myself than take you prisoner. I don’t care about the magical
repercussions. There are things that you can’t be forced to do even
in this world. I’d rather turn this gun on myself.”

“We hear you, hound,” I
said.

Perhaps Kaiser wasn’t running the
show.

“Good call, Kaiser,” Madison
said.

“My attorney shall hear about this,”
Professor Coffin fumed. “He’s a very crude werewolf.”

Chapter

“
I’ll take Madison and
Booster prisoner even though I don’t want too,” Kaiser said. “Will
that satisfy all of you?”

“Sounds good to me,” I said.

“No complaints here,” Madison
said.

“What have I done to deserve this
injustice?” Professor Coffin demanded. “I’ve been a model
criminal.”

Kaiser continued to try to push all of
us into the emerald ocean with the glass Cadillac but we were
artfully dodging his ramming efforts. The primordial sharks looked
particularly hungry. It was becoming increasingly clear that Kaiser
was attempting to amend the deal after we had negotiated and
settled. He was a fine attorney even if he was a wolfhound. Why not
cheat your adversary after you’ve won to make your victory more
pronounced? Give the vanquished one last trounce. It serves you
right for negotiating with the untrustworthy. Professor Coffin’s
werewolf attorney was going to get a run for his money.

“
I find witchcraft so
amusing,” I said.

“
I enjoy a good wombat too,”
Madison snorted.

“
I like how they swindle
me,” I said.

“Refuse to take you prisoner,” Madison
said.

“After they’ve agreed to do it,” I
said.

“That piece of it is particularly
annoying,” Madison agreed.

“A wombat can’t cheat a human?” Kaiser
asked.

“A wombat can’t talk with a broken
jaw,” Madison said.

“A dead human can’t make threats,”
Kaiser said.

“It’s me that he has refused,”
Professor Coffin growled. “I’m taking it personally because it’s
me. Otherwise I wouldn’t take it personally at all. How can anyone
here complain other than me? I’m the cheated party.”

“I’m not the one refusing to make the
customary phone call from prison,” Kaiser countered.

“I won’t to be humiliated in the can,”
Professor Coffin said. “I can’t have the other jailbirds laughing
at me.”

“
A four hundred year old
pirate has a certain dignity,” Madison snorted.

Professor Coffin was standing there in
his ancient drawers.

“
Albeit burnished,” I
said.

“I’m not taking his call,” Madison
said.

“Don’t look at me,” I said.

“You’re just being mean spirited to the
aged,” Professor Coffin huffed. “It’s ageism. You fear my belief
system.”

“I’m not going to disagree,” I said.
“It’s the only thing that we can hold over your head.”

“We’re not cooperating with you,”
Madison said.

Professor Coffin looked like the stone
in his chest was about to quit. He probably hadn’t been human in
four hundred years. Maybe his stone was ticking down. He definitely
hadn’t been without a drink in four centuries. He was probably
going through rum withdrawal. Delirium tremens seemed to suit him
well. It balanced out his baseline confusion. The hallucinations
and crippling anxiety weren’t that bad for him. He could shake it
off. What were a few pink elephants to him? He’d hunted a pink
whale in his youth. Pink elephants were a happy
regression.

“Let’s be reasonable, hound,” Professor
Coffin sputtered. “You’ve got to make one of these pupils take my
customary phone call as a condition of my incarceration. We can’t
lower ourselves to the level of savages with bones through our
noses like my old bedfellow that Injun.”

“You’re selling us out again?” Madison
laughed.

“He refuses to buy me,” Professor
Coffin pouted.

“He thought he would try his hand at
selling us,” I said.

“He’s very good at it,” Madison
said.

“We’ve all got our areas of excellence,
pupils,” Professor Coffin said. “I excel at selling youth down the
river.”

“You should pull a runner, Professor
Coffin,” Kaiser suggested. “There are plenty of places to hide in
Old Havana in glass.”

“
You’ll probably be safe
there,” Madison snorted.

“
Listen to your gut,” I
suggested.

“I’m going to pull a runner, mates,”
Professor Coffin said. “This blasted hound is impervious to reason.
I’m going to take my chances in Old Havana in glass. I’m long
overdue for a snoot. My heart is racing like a filly with the whip
upon his croup. The pink camels are closing in on me.”

“I thought they were pink elephants,” I
said.

“Pink camels,” Professor Coffin
confirmed.

“You don’t pull a runner when your
magical jailor tells you to do it,” I said.

“
Never listen to The
Headmaster,” Kaiser said. “Particularly when he is a masked
wolfhound presiding over a world of glass.”

“
You should probably rethink
your ignorance,” Madison said.

“
Ignorance is my balm,”
Professor Coffin said.

“
At the very least you
shouldn’t herald your ignorant intentions,” Madison said. “You just
do whatever ignorant thing that you are going to do as
surreptitiously as possible.”

“Is that how you demonstrate
ignorance?” Professor Coffin asked. “It seems a bit complicated to
me. I prefer to engage my ignorance as thoughtlessly as possible. I
wheel right into it. It’s more astonishing that way.”

Professor Coffin pulled his runner. He
was sprinting directly down the glass shoreline boulevard. He was
putting distance over stealth. Was he was running towards
something? Or running away from something? Perhaps he would find
the answer on the streets of Old Havana in glass. The Red Lady
might offer some enlightenment when she presented herself noose
around her neck or whatever preferred suicide method. We all have
one, I suppose.

“
You might as well live,”
Professor Coffin bellowed into the void as the pink camels nipped
at his heels.

Chapter

“
I don’t know if Professor
Coffin is our suspect now,” I said.

“
Kaiser could be a winner,”
Madison agreed.

Kaiser gestured for us to climb aboard
the glass Cadillac. It was the Caribbean version of the train to
Siberia if you didn’t count the books swimming in it as well as the
fiery monster in the muffler. However you don’t question reality if
a talking wolfhound wearing a mask beckons you into a glass
Cadillac. There are things in this world that are beyond reproach.
A masked wolfhound in a glass Cadillac is critic proof especially
when he’s packing heat.

“There isn’t enough room for three
prisoners to ride comfortably in this glass Cadillac,” Kaiser
explained. “I can only take two witches comfortably to glass
Alcatraz.”

“You don’t have to explain to us that
you don’t like stinky old pirates in your vehicle,” I
said.

“My olfactory bulb is forty time
yours,” Kaiser said.

We climbed aboard the Alcatraz express.
It was quite commodious for a vehicle that contained all the
knowledge of the ancients under the hood.

“
You aren’t going to cuff
us?” Madison asked.

“
I’m not caving in to your
demands,” Kaiser said.

“
Crypt Island is a powder
keg of witchcraft,” Madison laughed.

“
It’s about to explode to
our advantage,” I said.

“
I knew it,” Madison
said.

“
The whole island is in
magical backfire,” Kaiser admitted. “That’s why I refuse to do
anything but ride around in this glass Cadillac like a despot in
decline. It’s too dangerous to do anything else.”

“
Witchcraft just happens
around here?” Madison asked.

“
It’s best to keep your mind
as empty as possible,” Kaiser said. “Don’t give witchcraft anything
to bounce off.”

“
The creature at the top
always has an empty birdcage,” I said.

“
It’s a job qualification
for the Headmaster,” Kaiser agreed.

“
I wasn’t in the job long
enough for the lobotomy to take hold,” I said.

“
I’m going to finish the job
with this shotgun,” Kaiser said casually like blowing your head off
with a shotgun was no big deal.

Madison grabbed it and threw it out the
window. Kaiser shrugged. His shrug seemed to suggest that he had
other methods. Perhaps he was in-charge of our test. He was so
indifferent that it made him a prime suspect at least in this
world. The logic was always sort of backwards. The less you cared
perhaps the more you cared.

I was frankly surprised that we weren’t
growing backwards as we went through the test. Witchcraft hadn’t
thought of it yet. I tried to banish the thought. I didn’t want to
be in a diaper attempting to walk. We would never get through the
test. Nanny goblins would drown us.

“
The prisoners are taking
over,” I said.

“
This is a hostile takeover
of the Crypt Island School for Witches by the pupils,” Madison
said.

“Sounds good to me,” Kaiser said. “You
can be in-charge of the riot at Alcatraz in glass.”

“Is there a riot going on right now?”
Madison asked greedily.

“I don’t see any smoke right now,”
Kaiser shrugged. “The prisoners like to nap but they’ll get their
shanks out before dinner because there won’t be any supper without
homicide.”

“Murder,” Madison said. “It’s what’s
for dinner.”

“Cannibalism is probably on the menu
too,” I said.

“You’re for dinner,” Kaiser
laughed.

“
Get in the backseat before
I throw you onto the street,” Madison snapped.

Kaiser climbed into the backseat with a
scowl on his face. Madison had pulled off his mask and thrown it
out the window. I was considering throwing Kaiser out the window
but then he would retrieve his gun. We didn’t want an armed
wolfhound out there in the world. We’ve got to keep an eye on that
creature seeing as he’s currently our only suspect for the
architect of this test.

“
I’ll drive,” I
said.

“
Sexism rears its ugly head
in the land of witchcraft,” Madison snorted.

“The glass Cadillac drives itself,”
Kaiser said. “Witchcraft has taken over the entire
island.”

“
We’ll see about that,”
Madison snapped.

“
You’re starting to feel
like your old self,” I said.

“
Wombats are really
annoying,” Madison said.

“
Humans too,” Kaiser
said.

The glass Cadillac threw itself into
gear. At least the glass vehicles were in good magical order. They
could drive themselves. It took driver’s anxiety out of the
equation. Although it was a little unsettling to think that some
out-of-control force of the occult was driving this vehicle with me
in it. I could feel the paranoia creeping up my back like a fire
ant on the hunt for neck blood as we went cruising around Old
Havana in glass. Fortunately Madison found a box of cigars in the
glove box to settle my nerves.

“I feel like we conquered the city,” I
said sarcastically while firing up a finely aged Cuban cigar. At
least something was done right in this world. Only a madman could
find fault with the cancer logs. What good is a throat if yelling
doesn’t do you any good?

“
Optimism will kill you
faster than smoking in this world,” Madison laughed. “I’d inhale if
I were you.”

“
How was your trip?” a
fierce little creature asked.

It had suddenly appeared in the
backseat of the glass Cadillac.

“Wombats can make themselves invisible
in this world?” I shuddered.

“Can you suddenly disappear?” Madison
groaned.

“I was passed out under the backseat,”
the fierce little creature explained. “I drank too much cobra
venom.”

“That’s a relief,” Madison
said.

The fierce little creature sat up in
its glass seat. It looked like a cross between a skunk and a
badger. It seemed like an appropriate wombat to be the ruler of
this world. Kaiser was clearly neglecting his duties. Perhaps this
wombat was the de facto ruler. Was this the wombat in the glass box
pulling all the levers? I didn’t care if it was hooked on cobra
venom. There are worse addictions than that.