Colorado 01 The Gamble (73 page)

Max’s hand slid under my body and curled
around my waist.

“I saw her picture at Bitsy’s,” I told him,
feeling his body get tight against mine and I hurried on. “She was
beautiful, Max. You looked happy.”

His arm gave me a squeeze and his body
relaxed.

“She was,” he agreed. “We were.”

“You should know, Harry told me everything,”
I whispered warily. “About your scholarship, the pregnancies –”

His gravelly voice was back to harsh when he
cut me off to remark sarcastically, “Remind me to thank him.” I bit
my lip and he continued, “And remind me, next time I’m enjoyin’
your company and you get the stellar idea to leave me and go
distract some bitter, drunk asshole from his fucked up issues that
are his own issues, ones he created his damned self, and he doesn’t
man up to that but takes pot shots at you, remind me, babe, not to
let you go.”

This sounded a good deal like Max thought
Harry’s tirade was my fault and to ascertain if this was true, I
lifted my head and looked at his face. His unhappy, clear, gray
eyes locked on mine and I saw that it was, indeed, true.

“He was just blowing off steam,” I told
him.

“
Yeah, he was, blowin’ off steam at your
expense, my expense, Anna’s expense and she’s fuckin’ dead. Blowin’
off steam which meant you were night-time Zombie Nina, actin’ like
your world had crumbled and you wouldn’t let me in to help. Blowin’
off steam which reinforced whatever fucked up idea you had about
Anna and me in your head which meant you didn’t fuckin’ talk to me
about it and we ended up havin’ a spat, you gettin’ another fuckin’
wild hair and takin’ off and then gettin’ worked over by Damon.
Yeah, babe, Harry was just blowin’ off steam.”

I heard everything he said but there was
only one part of it that hit me like a bullet.

He called that morning a
spat.

I got up on an elbow in the bed and looked
down at him, whispering, “Spat?”

His arm came up, crossing his chest and his
fingers curled around the back of my neck to contain me should I
wish to retreat any further and he said, “Duchess, wake up. This is
us, we’re gonna fight. You gotta learn how to shake it off.”

I blinked.

“Shake it off?” I whispered and this time my
whisper was both incredulous and lethal.

“Yeah, shake it off,” he confirmed, ignoring
my toxic tone completely. “Either that or learn how to talk to me,
how to ask a fuckin’ question once in awhile without lookin’ scared
as a jackrabbit about whatever answer you might get.”

I blinked. Max kept talking.

“I ain’t a figment of your imagination,
Duchess, I didn’t start my existence the night you drove up to my
house. I had a life, a wife. I got a family, friends, a history. I
fucked around a lot, lookin’ for somethin’ and not findin’ it, just
like you.”

I tried to contain my anger and reminded
him, “Yes, Max, you had a wife who was your world.”

“Yeah, she was, until her world stopped.
Mine kept goin’, babe.”

“Harry said when a man has a woman who is
his world, and he loses her, nothing will take the place of
that.”

I watched Max’s irritation grow to anger; he
twisted toward me and got up on an elbow too, all without releasing
my neck.

“Don’t lie in bed next to me and throw in my
face the shit Harry fed you last night,” he warned.

“But you admitted it,” I told him.

“I fuckin’ did not.”

“You told me she was your world.”

His hand tightened on my neck. “Yeah, she
was, Duchess.
Was.
”

“Harry’s a man and men know men.”

“Harry’s no man, Nina. Haven’t you figured
that out?”

Okay, he had a point there.

“All right,” I agreed and foolishly went on.
“That might be true but not five minutes ago you relived that
nightmare, Max, I watched you do it and you cannot lie there and
tell me you’re over Anna. You loved her and her loss broke
you.”

His eyes turned to stone indicating his
anger deepening, quite significantly, and he clipped, “Jesus,
you’re a piece of work.”

“What?”

He rolled into me so I fell to my back and
he was partially on me, though not on my tender side but I wouldn’t
have noticed even if he pressed his full weight into me because
he’d gone way passed angry right back to what he was this morning.
He was furious and I braced for impact.

“You’re a piece of work, babe.” His voice
was biting as he repeated himself, his face dipping close to mine.
“Is this what you wanna hear?” he asked and didn’t wait for my
answer just kept on going. “She was beautiful, she was funny,
sweet, mellow, laid back. So fuckin’ mellow, Christ. Life was good
for Anna. She loved livin’ it and didn’t let much get under her
skin. We probably had two arguments the whole time we were
together. Life with Anna was contentment, absolute. She didn’t get
in my face, she didn’t get in moods, she didn’t throw attitude. She
woke up happy and went to bed happy and she did everything she
could to give me that same harmony and I loved every fuckin’ minute
of it.”

My mouth went dry at his words and I tried
to slide out from under him but he didn’t let me move an inch as he
carried on.

“Not you, no. You get in my face, your mood
changes like lightnin’, you throw attitude better’n any woman I
ever met and I grew up with Mom and Kami, so, seriously, babe,
that’s sayin’ somethin’.”

“Get off me,” I whispered, his words worse
than Damon’s blows, far, far worse. I was pushing against his chest
but it was like I didn’t even speak and my hands on him didn’t
exist.

“You’re blonde and Anna was blonde, that’s
about all you two share. You’re night, Duchess, she was day.”

I felt the tears hit my eyes and I couldn’t
stop them from sliding out the sides.

“Get off.”

“
She wasn’t a fighter though. She wasn’t
ready to take on the world. She let anyone walk all over her and
they did and she didn’t react, not even a little. She just let it
happen and moved on, buryin’ it deep, not lettin’ anyone see,
hidin’ it even from me, not lettin’ me help. She was sweet which
meant she
let
people in to
walk all over her, never learned, did it all the fuckin’ time. And
she was a good listener but she was shy. She’d stand at my side and
bite her lip and look at Harry and think someone should help him
but it wouldn’t be her. She wouldn’t have the courage to walk
through a crowded bar and sit by his side and take his issues on
her shoulders. What he said to you would have wrecked her even
worse than it did to you. So I had to protect her from that shit
and I did. She gave me harmony. I kept her safe so she could give
it. That was us and it was a good balance.”

I didn’t know how much more I could take
and my voice had gone from demanding to pleading when I repeated,
“Max, get
off
.”

“You wanted the comparison, babe, you got
it. Now you know what Anna gave me and what I gave her.”

“I didn’t want the comparison!” I cried.

“Yeah you did, you’re all fired certain you
can’t compete, convinced yourself of it.”

“
Well obviously I can’t because, obviously,
harmony is
not
what you’ll
get from me.”

“There’s no replacing Anna.”

I looked away, closed my eyes and quit
pressing against his chest. I was going to block him out, that was
the only defense he was giving me so I was going to take it.

His words still came at me though,
unfortunately. I couldn’t block them just by closing my eyes.

“
You lose anyone, there’s no replacing
them. There’ll never be another Charlie, you know that. And
there’ll never be another Anna. What you need to get is that’s
precious, you get to keep that, you don’t
want
to replace it. That doesn’t mean you can’t find
something else just as good.”

Right,
I thought but didn’t say it out loud but
with his Wonder Max powers he must have read that word on my
face.

“Christ,” he gritted out. “I don’t want
harmony from you, Nina. I just want you.”

“Can you get off me, please?” I asked
quietly.

“Look at me.”

“Please, Max.”

“Dammit, Nina, look at me.”

I looked at him and his eyes roamed my face
then his hand came up and cupped it.

“I see what I had with Anna for the gift it
was but now that’s gone. With this act, are you sayin’, in this
life that’s all I get?”

“No,” I whispered honestly and the words I
said next were coming from somewhere I didn’t know I had, saying
things I didn’t know I needed to say but things instinctively I
knew he needed to hear and understand in a belated effort on my
part to protect him for his own good. “What I’m saying is, you’re
you and you deserve better.”

He looked genuinely confused when he asked,
“Better than what?”

“Better than me.”

I felt his big body jolt and it jarred me,
sending a shot of pain through my ribs but I ignored that, focusing
on his face which looked utterly stunned.

“You shittin’ me?” he asked softly.

Yes, stunned.

“No,” I replied just as softly.

His thumb swept my cheekbone and his face
gentled as he murmured, “Jesus, baby.”

“
Think about it, Max,” I implored urgently.
“I’m argumentative and my head is messed up. Do you know, Charlie
talks to me?” I asked then didn’t wait for an answer even as I took
in his head jerking at the question. “He does. It started just
recently but he does, like he lives in there. I’m not remembering
him, things he’s said, he’s actually
talking to me.
And lately I’ve been talking back. It’s
insane.”

“Duchess –” Max started but I kept right on
speaking.

“
And I do stupid stuff all the time or at
least I did before Niles and then there was Niles, who was stupid
from start to finish. But before him, it wasn’t just all the bad
choices with men, I was always doing crazy stuff, like Mom but not
benign stuff, like concocting disgusting food. The Brain Team thing
wasn’t the first or the last time I was off on one. I was
always
off on one. Do you know I’ve
been arrested?” His eyebrows went up and I nodded my head on the
pillow. “Not brawling, it was drunk and disorderly except I wasn’t
really drunk, more like tipsy but I was disorderly because I was
yelling really loudly and, in the end, I kind of threw a beer
bottle at someone.” Max pressed his lips together, I again didn’t
know what this meant but I defended myself. “He deserved it, he
smacked a girl’s behind right in front of my friend, who was
his
girlfriend,
and
he was doing that kind of that stuff all the time and it hurt her
so, being tipsy, I’d had enough and I let fly, shouting at him and
throwing the beer bottle. Anyway, I wasn’t aiming at him so it
didn’t hit him, just smashed on a wall and got some girl’s purse
wet. She was kind of angry about it because the purse was designer
so she was the one who called the police.”

“Babe –”

On a roll, I talked over him and continued
laying out my case. “And I’m totally neurotic. I know why, seeing
as my Dad left me and then I chose all of those stupid guys so I
have issues with that, as you know. I just don’t know how to stop
it. You told me all the guys at the bar were looking at me and even
Harry said he’d do me but does that register with me? No. I can’t
let people be nice to me, say nice things to me, I just can’t
accept it as fact and that makes me just plain
weird.
”

This time, his brows knit and his face grew
hard when he repeated in a low, dangerous voice, “Harry said he’d
do you?”

“
Yes,” I told him, too caught up in
relaying my urgent message to catch his change in mood. “Harry was
drunk and acting like an idiot but I don’t know why
you
want me. It’s mad.”

“Nina –”

“
I mean, I go on a vacation to try to
figure out my life and here I am, my leg’s scraped up, my ribs are
bruised, I’ve been backhanded and punched, I’ve been to a hospital
once and a Police Station three times and I’ve been into it with
practically everyone in town and, if you take out the time I’ve
been sick, I’ve only been here
a week!
”

“Duchess, let me –”

“
What is it with me?” I asked over him then
again didn’t wait for an answer, just kept blathering. “I need a
timeout to deal with my timeout! That’s how messed up I am. And
you’re a good guy, the best, you take care of people, everyone
respects you, you’re nice and you’re handsome and you’re generous
and smart and you don’t need all that is messed up me messing
up
you.
”

“Babe, will you shut up?”

At his tone, which managed to be both
commanding and gentle, my head jerked on the pillow and belatedly I
focused on him.

“What?” I asked.

“Shut up,” he said softly.

“Okay,” I replied instantly because his face
was also gentle, gentle to the point of being tender, though his
eyes were dancing like he was laughing inside. The combination of
the two was so amazing, it was beyond amazing, indescribably
amazing and I could do nothing but what he told me to do.

“You threw a beer at someone?” he asked,
still speaking softly.

“
Not
at him,
it was a warning shot. But he smacked a girl’s bottom in
front of his girlfriend,” I repeated on a near whisper. “But I
neglected to add that the girl’s bottom he smacked wasn’t happy
either, seeing as she was my friend’s friend too.”