Colorado 01 The Gamble (69 page)

“What were you doin’ out here with
Kami?”

I shook my head and stated, “I wasn’t with
Kami. I just got a little tired and I thought the fresh air would
wake me up a bit.” I licked my lips before I kept lying, “It
didn’t.”

“Kami was with you when we got out here,”
Max pointed out.

“Um… she followed me out. I don’t know why.
She was only here a minute or so before you all joined us.” At
least part of that was true.

“What’d you talk about?” he asked.

“Nothing. You all came out before we –”

He cut me off, asking shrewdly, “What’d you
and Harry talk about?”

I decided I needed to practice my poker face
and I needed to do it very, very soon.

“Not much, he was kind of drunk,” I lied
again. “It’s okay,” I assured him. “Jake took his keys. Harry said
he was going to call a taxi.”

“Then what’s the matter?” Max asked.

“I told you,” I replied, “I’m tired.”

“One second you’re sweet and smilin’ and the
next second your eyes are dead and you’re sayin’ you’re tired.”

“My eyes aren’t dead.” But I knew they
probably were.

“What’d Harry say?” Max pushed.

I sighed, not wanting to spar, not even
wanting to talk, not even wanting to stand.

In fact, I
did
want to crawl into a bed, pull the covers over me, shut out
the world and anyone who could get in and hurt me and I wanted to
sleep. Sleep for decades and wake up a spinster, go to the nearest
shelter, adopt two dozen cats and then live my life cleaning up
hair balls and watching
Wheel of Fortune.
That seemed like a happy life to me.

I didn’t tell Max this, instead I asked,
“Max, can we just go to the A-Frame?”

His eyes narrowed and even in the dim light
I watched his face grow dark. “The A-Frame?”

“Yes.”

He took a step closer. I stepped back.

He stopped and whispered, “What the
fuck?”

Even though I retreated, which I did so I
could remain smart, sane and rational instead of letting him touch
me or hold me or kiss me and make me the opposite, I leaned a bit
forward, looked him in the eyes and softly begged, “Please? Can we
go up the mountain?”

He didn’t answer for a long time, so long,
since I was holding my breath, it seemed forever.

Then he said quietly, “Yeah, Duchess, we can
go up the mountain.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.

I was careful to keep distance between us as
we walked to the Jeep and stayed clear and not in arm’s reach when
he opened my door for me. I climbed up, belted in, he got in,
started the car, strapped in and we were off.

I was silent and avoiding him taking my hand
by digging through my purse, pretending to look for a mint which I
didn’t have. Then I sighed my feigned defeat at the wasted effort
and looked out my side window, clutching my bag like it was a
life-force.

Max took the hint and he not only didn’t try
to take my hand, he also didn’t speak. And when we got to his house
and out of the car, he stopped at the back of the Cherokee to wait
for me to round it but he again didn’t take my hand as we walked up
the steps. He let us in, I went to the closet, hooked my purse and
coat inside and headed up the stairs.

Grabbing my pajamas, I went directly to the
bathroom, cleaned my face, moisturized and then looked in the
mirror.

“Tomorrow,” I told my reflection in a barely
there whisper, “this will be over. I just have to get through
tonight.”

That’s a bad idea, Neenee
Bean,
Charlie’s voice
was urgent in my head,
You’ll regret it. You’ll regret it, sweetheart,
until the day you die.

“If I stay, I’ll regret it in six months, a
year, ten years, whenever it sinks in and turns bad and goes sour,
knowing I’m second best.” I was still whispering.

Nina, listen to me –

“She was his world. Don’t I deserve to be
that to someone, Charlie?” I whispered and before Charlie could say
more, I turned to the door and opened it.

I didn’t look at Max but out of the corner
of my eye I saw him heading toward the bathroom as I came out. I
quickly went to the bed, got in on my side, turned out my bedside
lamp which Max had turned on, leaving his illuminated. I curled up,
my back to the bathroom and I took two very deep breaths.

I heard Max come out and I felt the bed move
when he got in it. And even though I had my eyes closed, I saw the
light go out.

He didn’t delay. He moved into me, his arm
winding around my belly and he pulled my back into his front.

I didn’t struggle, instead my closed eyes
closed tighter as I felt the warmth of him, the strength of
him.

One last night.

“What’d he say to you, baby?” he asked
softly into the back of my hair.

“Max, I’m really tired.”

“What’d he say?”

I remained silent. His arm got tighter as he
pulled me even closer.

“You know about Shauna, babe, you gotta know
there were others before you,” he whispered into my hair.

Yes, your wife! The Beautiful
Swan, Anna!
I shouted in
my head.

“
I saw your face in the Police Station,
honey, when I talked about havin’ a woman on the job when I was
with Shauna.”

“Max –”

“I told you this mornin’, it’s casual –”

“Please Max.”

“Her name was Shelly.”

“Please.”

“When I got home to look after Mins, the
invitation to her wedding was in my mail.”

I drew in a sharp breath. His arm gave me a
squeeze.

“It was nice, we both had fun then it was
over. She was fine with that, she knew the score. It ended good and
we remained friends. I know the guy she hooked up with after me.
He’s a good guy. They’re gonna be happy and I’m happy for
them.”

“Can I go to sleep?”

“You’re different.”

I clenched my teeth then I tried, “Max
–”

“We’re not about havin’ fun, we’re that and
we’re a fuckuva lot more than that.”

This was torture.

“We’ll talk in the morning,” I promised for
we would, he just probably didn’t know what I was going to say.

“Baby,” he whispered his advice, “don’t
sleep on what’s tearin’ you up inside.”

“Nothing’s tearing me up inside,” I lied yet
again.

“Duchess –”

“
Max, please, it’s late, I’ve had too much
to drink, a crazy day, a crazy
week
and I’m just tired. Can’t you just hold me and let me
sleep?”

At my request that he hold me, I felt his
body relax into mine but he asked, “We’ll talk in the morning?”

“Yes.”

“You’ll actually talk to me in the
morning?”

“I said I would.”

“
None of this shit about not askin’
questions when you think I don’t wanna answer. We’ll
actually
talk
.”

I swallowed, wondering why he
remembered
everything
then
promised, “Yes, Max, we’ll talk.”

Max fell silent. I forced my body to relax.
After awhile, he called my name on a whisper.

“Nina.”

“Yes.”

His arm got tight and he pressed his body to
mine.

“Baby, that path you were on…?” he asked but
said no more.

“Yes?” I prompted.

“Until you showed in that snowstorm, I was
on it too.”

Oh my
God.
Torture.

“
Sleep, Max,” I urged him but I could hear
my voice clogged with tears I could
not
let flow.

“Forgot about this,” he muttered into my
hair.

“Sorry?”

“Forgot,” he repeated.

“Forgot?”

“Forgot about carin’ about someone so much
you would do everything in your power to stop them havin’
pain.”

No. Not torture.
Pure
bloody
torture
.

“Max –”

“And how fuckin’ shitty it feels when
there’s nothin’ you can do to stop it.”

“I’ll be okay,” I whispered yet another lie
for I wouldn’t, not ever, not ever again or, at least, not until I
found someone who thought I was their world.

If that happened.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, Max. So will you.”

He fell silent again. I waited. Then I
waited longer.

Then I moved my arm to drape it on his, I
laced my fingers through his and I whispered, “’Night, Max.”

He shoved his face in my hair, his fingers
tightened in mine and he muttered, “’Night, Duchess.”

For a long time I didn’t sleep and I knew
neither did Max.

Then slowly the impossible happened and
sleep claimed me.

Not if You’re the Only One Fightin’

I woke up to the bright Colorado sunshine,
complete memory of my heart-wrenching night before and an empty
bed. I got up on my hand, pulling my hair out of my face and
listened to the house.

Nothing.

I started to look down toward Max’s pillow
but caught sight of the note on his nightstand covering the
clock.

I scooted across the bed and grabbed the
note.

Duchess,

Had to go into town, be back as soon as I
can. Coffee’s made, just flip the switch.

When I get home, we’ll talk.

Max

I looked at the clock and saw it was nearly
nine. I’d slept in and, while doing it, as normal, I slept deep. I
didn’t feel him leave me.

I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, did
my morning business and went downstairs to flip on the coffee. I
went back upstairs and took a shower. Then I wrapped up in my robe
and went downstairs to get a mug of coffee. I took it upstairs and
went to the closet, grabbed my clothes, went to the dresser,
grabbed my undies and went back to the bathroom. I did my makeup
then dressed, hooking my robe on the back of the door. Then I did
my hair.

What I didn’t do was think. I’d have to do
that soon enough.

When I was done with my hair, I turned off
the blow dryer and my hand froze in its descent to set the dryer on
the basin because I heard my recorded voice.

“
Oh, sweetheart.”

“
And, you also get what it’s like to have
Shauna involved, seeing as she was after my man and she’s after
yours too.”

“
I’m not sure Max is my man.”

I set the dyer on the counter silently as
the next words in Bitsy and my recorded phone conversation from
days before drifted up to me.

“
Oh he is. Never seen him like that with
anyone except Anna. The whole town’s talkin’ about it. We’re all
real glad. Thought Max’d never find anyone after Anna died. It’s
been ten years, that’s a long time. Lord knows, I know
that.”

“
Bitsy –”

“
Brody told me all you’ve done with Mindy
and I gotta say, I’m glad you’re nice. Anna was my best friend and
I loved her. She’d want Max to end up with someone nice.”

“
I don’t know what to say. Um… thank
you.”

“
Thank me for you bein’ nice?”

“
Yes, I guess, and thank you for trusting
me to talk to.”

I walked woodenly out of the bathroom and
across the room as the voices kept drifting up, relentless, the
entire conversation.

I went to the stairs and wound my way
down, my head moving, my neck twisting as I went so I could watch
Max standing still as a statue staring at the answering
machine.

“
Bitsy, darling, you should feel free to
feel how you want and don’t think of what people think.”

“
No one liked him anyway, he died and his
mistress phoned the police. It’s hard not to think of what people
think since everyone’s thinkin’ somethin’.”

“
Well, try. Anyone who truly cares about
you will let you have your feelings, whatever they may be.”

I stopped moving when his head tilted back
to look at me. I stood in the curve of the stairs halfway down
trapped by the fierce anger in his eyes and the conversation kept
playing but I didn’t hear it. I stood immobile, his eyes on me, his
face carved from stone.

Then I heard my Mom’s faraway, disembodied
shout from the answering machine recording.
“Neenee Bean, let’s go
hiking!”

“
Be down in a sec!”

“You know about Anna?” Max asked over the
recording.

My stomach clutched, fear crawling
insidiously along my skin.

“Max –”

“You know about Anna?” he repeated, his
voice deadly.

“I –”

“Come down here.”

“Max –”

“Get down here, Nina.”

The answering machine message played out as
I wound down the rest of the stairs and walked to within four feet
of him. He watched the whole time.

“
No, Bitsy. You don’t know how many times
I tried to get Charlie to open up to me. So, thank you, again, for
trusting me.”

“
Oh honey, my pleasure. I’ll lay all my
troubles on you, you like it so much.”

“
Take care.”

“
Yeah, you too. Hope to see you
soon.”

“
Bye.”

“
Later, honey.”

The answering machine beeped the end of the
message.

“Max –”

He interrupted me, “How long have you
known?”

“Um…”

Suddenly, he leaned forward and roared,
“
How long
have you known!
”

My heart lodged in my throat, I jumped and
moved back two paces, scared silent.

“Fuckin’ answer me,” he growled.

This was it. This was it.

Oh God, I knew it. It
always
went bad.