Colorado Bride (19 page)

Actually, now that he thought about it, he realized he’d been so busy trying to become everything Uncle Max wanted him to be, he hadn’t had time to think about what
he
wanted from life. He’d always assumed he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, but now he wasn’t sure.

“After what you’ve said, I’m almost afraid to tell you what I think I want,” Lucas said, turning to face Carrie. “I should have said
try
to tell you because I’m not sure what is important to me. I thought I did, but listening to you has made me realize I never had a normal family life, and I don’t really know what to expect.

“You see, I can barely remember my parents. My father was gone a lot with the cattle, sometimes for months at a time. The part of Texas I come from is miserably hot in summer and miserably cold in winter, but I find myself thinking increasingly of my mother and the home she made for us. I don’t suppose she was any better at it than any other woman, but I’ve begun to look back on it as something I wish I had had for a longer time. When my uncle took me to live with him, he took me with him everywhere he went, but we never had a home with the care and comfort you speak of, and I think it would be important to me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I want all the things you say you don’t want. There will be times when I won’t be available to my family even though they need me and I would want to be with them, but I would expect their support for me to be as strong and unwavering as my willingness to work for their future. And I do want a family, preferably a large one. I know the loneliness of being the only child in a world of adults, of having to grow up before your time. But I don’t want to come home after a long absence and be confronted with all the domestic travail any more than I expect to bore my wife with the details of my workday.”

It was impossible for Carrie not to feel moved by Lucas’s poignant memories of his mother, it was touching and heartwarming, but she still equated a home with the bondage she had struggled so hard to escape. When he spoke of the warmth and comfort his mother provided, she thought only of the unending hours of toil; when he spoke of the need to be away from his family, she saw only the fetters that would keep her tied to one place forever. She could not see that what he was talking about could be any different from her own past experience, but she sensed that it might be, and she wavered.

“You sound a lot like my brothers.” But then what did she expect? Had he given her any
real
reason to think he would be different, or was she just hoping he would be? They think the world was created for men and that women are only the most favored of its workers.” She tried not to sound as disheartened as she felt.

“But that’s not what I said.”

“It’s close enough,” Carrie replied, wondering why she felt so much like crying.

“You know what neither of us has mentioned?”

“Yes, the man or woman we hope to marry. You think that will make a difference, but that’s where I have the advantage over you. I’ve seen new marriages close up, and I know you don’t cut the marriage to fit the wife, rather you cut the wife to fit the marriage, and I’m not willing to be cut up and remade, not for any man.”

“I can’t imagine that any man would want to remake you,” Lucas said, sitting down so close to Carrie their bodies touched. “He’d be a fool to think he could improve on what’s already here.”

“But we’re not talking about my physical makeup,” Carrie replied, trying to keep her mind on their differences and to ignore the tumult caused by his nearness. She could always become excited just by the sight of his body, but she was discovering that his nearness radiated an even more disturbing electricity, and her own body was responding endiusiastically.

“I am,” Lucas replied, his lips close to her ear. “I think you’re perfect just as you are.” He took her ear between his teeth and nibbled ever so gently, distracting her attention and paralyzing her thoughts while his treacherous arms slipped around her.

“But I’m not at all what you want,” Carrie said, struggling against the delicious feeling that was making it virtually impossible for her to remember any of their conversation. “You just said so.” He was doing absolutely wonderful things to her neck, and all at once she didn’t care if they were terribly wrong for each odier. Everydung felt marveiously right and she surrendered with a pleasurable sigh. She turned toward Lucas and his lips claimed her mouth with breathless urgency. His tongue plunged into her mouth, ravenous for the sweetness only she could offer.

Carrie felt a shattering surge of response and found herself eagerly returning his embrace, her arms around his neck, her breasts pressed against his rock-ribbed chest, her tongue as voracious as his own. Their bodies writhed and tensed as the surge of heat grew intense, as their need for each other became more feverish. Lucas reached a part of Carrie she had never suspected existed, and she was so overwhelmed by the flowering of this sensation that she was hardly aware when Lucas’s hand found her breast, just mindful that her body was exploding with feelings as new and exciting as they were wondrously enticing. An alarm sounded in the back of her mind when he unbuttoned her dress and slipped his hand inside, but the firming of her nipples, and the involuntary arching of her body against his hand, destroyed any thought of resistance before it was born.

While Lucas continued to scatter passionate kisses over her whole face, her neck, her eyes, while his boldly insistent hand searched for a way past the hindering clothes to the heady warmth of the ruby nipple now clearly noticeable against her gown, Carrie felt herself buoyed and enveloped by a cocoon of bone-melting, tension-dissolving yearning, an ache so strong it made her shudder with pleasure. For a moment she could almost believe nothing else mattered.

The feel of Lucas’s callused hand against the soft, warm flesh of her breast woke her to the reality of what was happening and Carrie felt her body tense. Even though Lucas’s torrid kisses made her feel faint, her arms slid from around his neck and pressed against his chest. His finger found her swollen nipple and gently massaged it, threatening to wash away Carrie’s meager resistance, but she summoned up all her will and pushed herself away from him.

For a moment she was silent, her ragged breath making speech impossible. She felt like a runner who had approached the edge of utter exhaustion, where reason doesn’t work and the senses almost fail, but gradually the feeling of being utterly shattered left her and she looked into Lucas’s passion-shrouded eyes.

“I had to stop you,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t be able to face you tomorrow if you disgraced me right here in the stage yard.”

“I’ll be gone tomorrow” he said, and tried to take her in his arms again, but Carrie pushed him away. There was no hesitation this time. A feeling of betrayal drove all desire for surrender from her mind.

“Where are you going?” She busied herself putting her dress to rights, hoping he wouldn’t see the sudden desolation in her eyes. He had warned her that he would someday drift out of her life, but somehow she had never faced the reality of what it meant until now, and she was nearly immobilized by the fear she would never see him again.

“I’m going after some more horses,” he explained, his voice still hoarse with longing, his hands cupping her face, his fingers tracing the gentle curve of her cheek and jaw.

“How long will you be gone?” She tried to listen for his answer, to ignore the pleading of her body to return to his arms, to the touch of the fingers that were teaching her the meaning of ecstasy, but an awful feeling of rejection, the sickening fear that he would never come back, the humiliating suspicion that she was of no more than passing interest transformed her desire into anger.

“At least four or five days. Maybe a week.”

“You didn’t waste any time, did you? I’m surprised you didn’t leave first dung this morning.” She knew her reaction was unfair and unreasonable, but she couldn’t help it.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m glad to know that concern for my safety is no longer getting in the way of your work. If you’d told me it was that much of a problem, I’d have gone into Fort Malone and hired Jake the minute Baca Riggins cleared out.”

“What are you talking about?” Lucas’s passion was being twisted by confusion and the result was painful.

“Merely that you are leaving virtually the instant Jake arrived.”

“He’s been here a whole day, and I told you from the beginning that I couldn’t always be here, that I had work to do.”

“True, you did, and “I’m excessively pleased that you now feel free to do it.” Carrie got to her feet and vigorously shook out her skirts.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Lucas promised, warmth returning to his voice. “It shouldn’t take more than a few days to find some good horses.”

“Please take your time,” Carrie said, her voice as cold as her mortification was hot. “The company needs the very best animals you can find.”

“To hell with the company’s needs!” Lucas exploded, attempting unsuccessfully to take Carrie into his arms again. “I’m more concerned with me and you.”

Then it’s a good thing I’m the one who works for the Overland rather than you. I hardly think they would approve of your attitude.” She didn’t want to say all these things, but they kept erupting from her fevered brain. He was leaving, he was rejecting her, and only anger could hold back the choking sobs that filled her chest.

“Carrie, please,” Lucas virtually pleaded, “I have so much more I want to say to you.”

“I’ll be here when you return,” she replied. “I imagine it can wait until then. Right now I’m extremely tired.”

Lucas started to press his attack, but the light in the station went out and Katie came out, headed back to the cabin.

“Wait for me,” Carrie called out. “I’ll walk with you.” She turned back to face Lucas and he thought her expression softened a little. “Good-bye,” she said, and turned and left.

Lucas dropped to the bench with a muttered curse.

Carrie woke up feeling as if she were coming down with influenza. Her head throbbed, her body ached, and she felt an impulse to roll over and die. But she knew it wasn’t the flu and she wasn’t going to die. She hadn’t been able to sleep since Lucas left. She would toss and turn in her bed all night until she felt as if she had been beaten. She would doze fitfully, sliding in and out of dreams that were worse than reality, only to wake to a feeling of utter desolation. She could come to no conclusion about Lucas except that they would never suit.

She had had no notion of how much she had come to think about him, to feel drawn to him, and need him—until he was gone. She had brashly told him everything she wanted and didn’t want without ever really imagining his wishes would run contrary to hers. That had been a terrible shock—not that he would think differendy, but that the first man she had ever felt really drawn to would be beyond her grasp. But that was silly. She was more than drawn to him. She had been so busy with the station, worrying about one thing or another, she hadn’t paid any attention to the real state of her feelings, and now she was flabbergasted to discover she was practically in love with Lucas. The shock was almost worse than learning Robert had died.

But how could that be? He wasn’t at all the kind of man she wanted. Sure he was handsome and his presence caused her nervous system threaten to block out all other sensations, but she was no there girl to think that a charming smile and a great body was all there was to a man, or a marriage. She had seen too much of both and knew that they were only the beginning.

Yet might it not be more important than she had originally thought? She could remember other girls becoming excited by the physical presence of a man, and now that she thought about it, she remembered that they had talked about some of the very same sensations she had experienced when she was with Lucas. These were not foolish girls either but young women nearing the threshold of adult life and encountering their first adult sensations. They, too, felt excited by the mere presence of a man, felt light-headed and tingly in every part of their body.

And that kiss! One friend admitted that her first kiss had been so overwhelming she fainted. Carrie had never believed that, but Lucas’s first kiss had left her feeling weak. If she had not been seated that last night, might not his tender kiss have left her unable to stand?

She enjoyed Lucas’s kisses and wanted him to kiss her again. She enjoyed the feel of his hard, powerful body next to hers, the security and warmth of his embrace, the reassurance of his presence. In fact, there was very little about Lucas she didn’t like. She did wish he had more faith in her ability to survive on her own, but she wondered if that didn’t stem more from worry for her safety than doubt she could survive by herself. Even if it were doubt, was that so terrible? Didn’t she have doubts herself? Hadn’t she needed his help? Was there anything so terrible about his knowing she was ignorant of the difficulties she faced and telling her so? It had hurt her pride, it had been something she didn’t want to hear, but he had stayed to help her when he could just as well have left her to the mercy of Baca Riggins. Or he could have ridden out afterward and left her on her own to discover that she knew very little about running a station and nothing at all about what it took to survive in Colorado.

Would her father and brothers have done half of what Lucas had done for her? She doubted it. They would probably have laughed among tiiemselves about the foolish female who thought she could succeed at a man’s job. Then they would have waited for her to fail, taking pleasure in the fact they had been proved right.