Colorado Wild - Colorado Heart 1 (13 page)

"What's wrong?" Billy kissed
his neck under his earlobe, sending a shiver through Tucker.

"Nothing."

"Don't do that. You shook and it was different because you sucked in a breath of surprise too. Tell me." Billy eased out of him, the sting shocking. His flinch was automatic. "Sorry, didn't mean for that to hurt."

Tucker rolled onto his side, facing Billy. Their gazes connected, the rawness inside of Tucker opening wider, leaving a gaping maw that left him feeling like he would split open and die i
f it grew any wider.

"When I was a kid, about six, maybe seven, there was this man who lived in town. My dad and a few other guys decided that he had to go. I remember the fit
my dad threw. It was bad. He ranted for hours about the faggot down the street, how disgusting he was.

"It took me a few years to get what my dad was talking about. I really didn't understand what the big deal was until I was in eight
h grade. Before then, I didn't have any sexual interest in anyone. Sure, I had a girlfriend but that was because everyone had a girlfriend. It didn't mean anything. You know how kids are, we split up in groups and clubs based on some arbitrary values that usually ran along the lines of hair color, skin tones, and size but had nothing to do with the person."

Tucker stopped talking for a moment, glancing at the ceiling before snuggling into the pillow and reconnecting his gaze with Billy's. The world stopped for a moment as he realized that everything he'd been looking for was right here in front of him.

"God Billy, I…"

"What, love
?" Billy smoothed his fingers over Tucker's face and into his hair. "Tell me."

He didn't think he could tell Billy that he loved him yet, it was too early, but those words wouldn’t be held back for too much longer.
It was as if they had their own heartbeat and breath, willing to live and break free of the cocoon he'd slipped them in once he realized his heart could be broken, and now, with Billy's nurturing, they were ready to break free and fly.

With a shake of his head, he continued. "The guy, he was gay and he finally brought home someone. They were living a few blocks away. To me they seemed like two guys who lived at the same address, kind of like
me and my brother, Travis. But my dad wouldn't be mollified. He went on and on, finally his friends agreed to do something. I'm not sure on the details because they stopped including me in their meetings. Then there was this fire and both guys were dead. I think my father killed them first."

"Oh God, Tucker, that's terrible."

"Yeah." He shivered, the memories leaking back in as he thought about that night long ago. "I was up late, probably being a brat, but I wanted water or to go pee or something. I stumbled out of my bedroom searching for the thing I wanted, and he was there, standing in the center of the kitchen, my mom complaining about the mess. They didn't see me at first and I watched, shocked by the sight. Blood ran down my dad's arms, his face had stuff all over it and I thought he'd been injured. The stuff on his face was probably one of the guys' brains."

"Tuck," Billy groaned and pulled him close, kissing his neck and face. "God,
Tuck, that's awful."

"Eventually they saw me. My dad screamed. He looked like a monster covered in blood and guts and gore. I'll never forget that mom
ent, he appeared larger than life and I ran. I ran so hard, trying to escape the monster."

"They found me the next morning at this place my friends and I hung out—a little copse of trees with a rock in the center where we would pretend to be the king of the mountain. It
was huge, or I thought it was. It was probably small, something unremarkable. That night, the huge rock was my safe haven, the only place I could escape the beast.

"Later, after my mom finished coddling me, my dad came in and told my mom to leave. He was all cleaned up and there was no more blood. They'd sent my brother away for the day, I guess to get him out of the house. I was told never to speak of that night again and if I did, I'd regret it. Of course, I'd just seen my dad covered in blood and I think I knew he'd killed a man and not an animal, so I jumped to the conclusion that if I
said anything my dad would kill me too."

At some point Tucker's gaze had drifted away from Billy's, focusing on nothing in particular as he told the one story that he never thought he'd
speak of. Now that they were looking at each other once more, the horror in Billy's eyes stunned Tucker. This was a truth he'd lived with, assimilating the terrible event into his life, tucking it away like you would any other childhood memory, but the horror on Billy's face seemed so shocking that he sucked in a breath, comprehending the savagery at a new and deeper level. The event had been shocking. Analyzing it forced him to see that his ordinary world, where he'd grown to accept the atrocity as okay, was screwed up.

"My dad made sure I knew that faggots deserved to die. Like I said, I had no idea what he was talking about until later when I realized I was different than other boys."

Billy gathered him close, kissing him as he feathered his fingers over Tucker's torso, touching him gently as though he would break. Retelling the story was exhausting and he allowed Billy to do as he would, touching and kissing him, cleansing the evil away with the sweetness of his touch.

"Tuck, I'm so sorry you had to live through that—witness that. It's terrible. I'm sorry if I pushed you into this."

He shoved at Billy's shoulder, separating enough so he could see Billy's face. "You didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to. You woke up that part of me I've suppressed forever. I've not allowed myself to be truthful. For years I've lived this lie. It's been so long and so exhausting."

"Babe, you are an amazing man, that you aren't some pigheaded asshole is a miracle."

"I could have gone that way, but I made a decision to be different. Then I joined the military and my eyes were really opened. My dad thought the Marines would make me a real man, forcing me to see that he'd been right all along. I think he realized that I was gay at one point. Fear kept me from being with another guy. That memory from childhood was always there to keep me from straying off the straight and narrow path."

"I'm glad you did stray with me."

"I am too."

They snuggled together in the silence, Tucker content to hold Billy. Eventually he heard soft snores coming from the man. He close
d his eyes, glad that they'd found each other. It still freaked him out that he was with a guy. Being out of the closet was frightening. He didn't know if he would ever be comfortable with whom he was. Now that he'd opened up that one memory, more spilled forth, pelting him with the disgusting violence his father had wrought on others, leaving behind a backwash of hate.

Tucker needed Billy to make him human and soften his edges. Here at the ranch, he'd been
okay with the gay guys like Grant and Craig, but the stress of worry if his father ever figured out what type of guys he lived with had him exhausted. Maybe Billy would give him the strength he needed to be himself.

Chapter Fifteen

Marshal
loved coming back to the ranch. Growing up in the middle of the city, first in the Bronx and then moving to South Harlem, had left him with the need to breathe clean air and to find silence. Out on the range where quiet solitude prevailed, he'd found the relief he'd been looking for. It hadn't truly filled the emptiness in his heart. The guys were great, and he enjoyed the work, but the missing pieces were starting to show. In the middle of the throngs of New York, he could hide from the truth, but out here he could hear the voice inside so clearly he knew that eventually he'd have to do something about it.

When they'd landed,
James had phoned Duff, letting him know they were back. McKay's death had hit the newswires but was being attributed to natural causes. It worried him that Craig had found them. Through the mission, he'd wondered if Craig would show up and ruin it for them. Then he'd worried about Craig following them to gather information to use against them. Finally, he'd had to forget about their former member and do the job, taking out McKay and making a clean getaway.

Grant was another worry. If he didn't get over Craig soon it could be a problem. Once he went through debriefing, he'd pull Grant aside and talk to him. A few of the guys came out when they pulled into the drive
, but he didn't see Grant or Billy and Tucker.

"Well, I gue
ss it's time for the debriefing," Marshal said.

"Yeah, not my favorite part."

"I totally understand. So do you think we could talk Duff into skipping it and just letting us go to bed?"

"No way. He'll want to know what worked and what didn't. And with Craig showing up then Grant leaving, it will be worse. Every single move will be picked apart."

"You know, he's not going to be satisfied and neither will I. Craig could have followed us at any point."

"I know, but that doesn't mean he did. I was careful and so were you. I really searched for a tail while we were in London and then once we left for Grantham."

"That area was empty. If we had a tail there, unless they were set up far away, we would have seen them."

"I think so."

James put the car into park, but didn't get out. He met Marshal's gaze with a serious stare. "I know you said we need to talk, but I'm fine. Really, I'm good with what went down."

Marshal shook his head. "No, we will talk or I need to say something to Duff. Your choice."

"That's unfair."

"Yeah, but I've been here a long time and I know what that hollow looks means. You need to get your shit straight and that means you can't pretend like that didn't affect you. We're going to talk and that's all there is to it."

"Fine, but later. I don't want to have to hash this out with Duff. And if we have to talk, you need to tell Duff about Craig."

"
Fine. And if we don't get it solved between us, we can pull Duff in."

James
' lips thinned out and he nodded before turning to get out. Marshal sighed and followed, not sure if James would be truthful with him since it was obvious he wasn't being truthful with himself. But who was he to judge? He was a master at lying to himself, pretending as if certain things didn't matter though they did.

Duff approached, his
face grim with his eyes narrowed. He looked all business, just as Marshal expected.

"We have sandwiches in the command center. We'll meet there in twenty minutes."

"Yes, sir." Marshal grabbed his gear and headed inside. He heard James behind him but didn't look back. The last four days ran through his mind, the good and the bad playing back like a reel. They'd accomplished their task without too many issues. Craig might have been a hitch, but he hadn't ruined the mission.

After a quick stop to freshen up, Marshal headed to the control room, finding a tray of cold cut sandwiches and a
bowl of pretzels. He grabbed a can of Coke and a sandwich before taking a seat. James came in then Duff and Grant. Marshal stood and strode over, clasping Grant's arm.

"Fuck, I was worried about you."

"Same here. I'm okay. I think he followed me for a bit but I didn't waste time getting out of the country."

"How do you think he found you?" Marshal asked.

"No clue. Maybe by chance, I don't know. He also could have had a tracer set on my alias that I came into the country with. I know we dropped a few, but not enough. He knows too much. Hell, he knows how we operate, what type of hotels we stay in and how we do missions."

"Shit," Duff snuffed as he grabbed a sandwich. "That
's one more thing we have to do. We should have thought about all of the identities."

"We can take care of that this week." Grant
turned to accept a hug from James before taking a seat.

"I was worried when you
took off," James said.

"Yeah, I hate that I left you two alone. I
've never run out on a mission like that." Grant popped a pretzel in his mouth and chewed.

"You didn't run out." Marshal took the seat opposite Grant, shooting the man a hard look.

"I felt like I ran out. It sucked."

Duff rolled his eyes. "That wasn't running out on a mission. You were made."

"Still, didn't like it. I know it was the right thing to do but it felt wrong."

"Yeah, I get that," James offered before taking another bite of his food.

Marshal detailed the mission, going over the basics until they got to the part where James began speaking about taking out McKay. He'd watched the whole thing on the video screen, wishing he could have been there to help but knowing that he was doing the right thing by running the computers.

"After the
task, I cleaned up, wiping every surface completely then I left."

"I wiped the entire video file and started a new recording process. The video files were wiped every twenty-four hours and when I wiped them I did a secure delete."

"Are you sure there were no physical copies of the recordings?" Duff asked.

"I went through the house after I took care of McKay. I found the computer control room and there were no physical recording devices," James said.

"Okay, then I'm satisfied." Duff got up and grabbed a bottle of water. "James, the guy you got the credentials and clothes from, are you sure he won't put two and two together?"

"He might figure o
ut that I stole his stuff, but he wasn't that bright." When Duff glanced away, James cut Marshal a glance, their gazes connecting.

Now was the time to bring up the subject of James having issues sleeping with strangers
for missions, but he let it go. Even if he and James hashed it out, he bet that they would have to talk about it with Duff at some point. Ignoring the issue wouldn’t make it go away. James had to face it head on and admit he needed to change something before he settled into a bad habit that destroyed him.

Four hours later, Duff felt that they'd gone over everything. Marshal was satisfied that Craig hadn't found them and everyone seemed happy. In the morning
, he'd return to his normal ranch duties. He looked forward to the task. Being just a cowboy had its benefits. Maybe when he tired of being an assassin, he would become a full-time cowboy. He wasn't done with this job yet, but living this way for too long would eventually get to him. The pressure was intense, and he had to compartmentalize so much just to do a job. Killing another person, no matter how terrible the other person was, still affected him. He didn't want to be that type of man who couldn’t take care of business. Being strong was important and the job they did mattered more than most. Few knew they existed and those who did, approved—usually.

*~*~*

Billy cracked open one eyelid, surprised to find the room in near darkness. Light from the window allowed him to make out a few details. He reached behind him, stretching out his hand, sighing with relief when he felt Tucker's warm body. Being inside of Tucker had been more amazing than he'd thought it would be. He rolled over and lifted the sheets with one finger, staring at the round globes of Tucker's perfect ass. The smooth skin had a light dusting of hair that left him wanting the man again. Tucker would be sore and it wouldn’t be right to fuck him again, not so soon.

Tucker had taken it so well. The way he opened
up had been a huge turn-on. The heat had left him wanting more and more. The guy was beyond sexy with his eyes changing color as they made love. They'd gone from near blue to almost green as his pupils had grown. Never before had he seen that when having sex. Of course, he'd never really studied other guys so intently as they fucked. He hadn't just been fucking Tucker, they'd done so much more as they came together. It really had been making love. He hoped Tucker would admit his feelings soon, but growing up with the shit he'd experience had to have affected him so negatively that Billy wondered how long it would take for him to recover, or if he could ever recover.

After a few minutes Billy slid from the bed, seeing that it was near s
ix in the morning. He would shower quickly then go find Duff. They needed to figure out the Craig situation. It might take them a long time to get to the bottom of the problem. Maybe they'd never figure it out, but he hoped they could either clear Craig of suspicion or they'd have the evidence to clean up the problem.

"Hey
, babe." Tucker stood in the doorway to the bathroom, his body naked and glorious.

"Damn, you are sexy." Billy turned and took a step toward him but Tucker held up his hand, halting Billy's progress.

"Give me the mouthwash before you kiss me."

Billy laughed but handed over the bottle filled with noxious green stuff that burned the layer of sleep from his mouth. "Here you go. Freshen up and then I need to kiss you."

"Need?"

"Yeah, it's no longer want, but need.
You see, you're so sexy. I'm blinded to everything else."

"Too funny." Tucker took a sip of the stuff and swished it around in his mouth before tilting his head back and gargling.
He spit into the sink when wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "There, I'm human again."

"Good." Billy pressed him up against the wall, holding his hands above his head. He loved that Tucker hadn't thrown on any clothes. He enjoyed staring down his body, taking in the flat plane
s of his torso. Tucker wasn't overweight though he was a big guy. His muscles were impressive and he didn't doubt that if Tucker wanted to, he could toss him over his shoulders with little effort.

Billy's gaze settled on his dick.
Soft, Tucker didn't look like much, his cock barely curving over his balls as it hung limp, but hard, he'd seen what that beast turned into. "Damn, you're beautiful."

Tucker's lips curved up in a croo
ked smile, his eyes bright. "You're awfully sexy yourself."

"I may look nice, but you are absolutely stunning. You have pure beauty."

"Thanks." Tucker ducked his head, but Billy caught the worried look on his face before he turned away."

"Hey, you do know it's okay for me to think you're beautiful. It doesn't mean you're not a man."

Tucker's head whipped up, his eyes were filled with pain. "It's just hard."

"I know but
I'm here to help with that. I think you're very beautiful and I don't want you to doubt that, ever. Trust me, I'll keep telling you until you get used to it."

"Thanks, you're too good to me."

"No, I'm really not. I'm just finally giving you what you need and deserve."

Tucker reached out and Billy went to him, drawing him into the circle of his arms. "You make me feel special."

"It's because you are."

A knock sounded at their door, interrupting their hug.

"Yeah," Tucker called out.

"We have a meeting at eight. Both you and Billy need to come."

"Sure. We'll be there."

Billy waited five seconds before speaking. "Still bugs you that they know we're sleeping together?"

"A bit. I'm just not used to it. Maybe I'll never get used to it."

"You will. We're together now."

Tucker slipped out of his arms and into the shower. "What does that mean to you?" He turned on the spray, the noise echoing off the hard tile.

"I've wanted you for more than a year."

"That still freaks me out. You're my best friend here. Why didn't you say something earlier?"

"Do you really think you would have taken it well if we hadn't been best friends
? Really, how would you have felt if I had kissed you when I realized that the interest I had for you was more than just idle lust? Would you really have welcomed my touches?"

Tucker shook his head.
"No, I would have told you to leave me alone."

"We're good friends and that makes it
harder and easier."

"Harder?" Tucker asked.