Colour Series Box Set (15 page)

“We’ll pick up your ID from my friend Callum tomorrow afternoon.”

ROWAN’S WORDS ARE
burning in my ears, I can be anyone I want, I can live, and I can stay. I feel the fear of all of this rising in my body and my need to retreat is calling me I want to hide away in my mind and try process it all but he is just sitting there not going anywhere. I can live. I am free. My head cannot comprehend freedom, it’s been so long since I had anything close to it. I think he might just be right. I don’t want to leave here though, I feel safe here I don’t know what is out there and I am more afraid of that than I ever will be of staying here. Rowan scares me but not the paralyzing fear I had with Renzo, I don’t want him to leave me alone. I want him to be my friend. I know that Rowan will keep me safe no one will hurt me with a monster like him guarding the doors of my life and while I am not sure that trusting a murderer is the best thing to do. There is something in me, an unexplained pull at my gut that says I can trust him with my life.

I let out a sigh, as I wrangle the strange emotions that are overwhelming me right now, I don’t want to have a panic attack I need to keep breathing and focused.

“I want to live Rowan, I want to try and live at least. I want to be the Lauri that was stolen from me and I want to stay here, this is home. I’m afraid of almost everything out there, here I feel safe,” I say motioning towards the windows.

I see him exhale the breath he was holding onto and immediately I see his tattoos again they have me memorized I embarrassed myself at dinner starting at them. He even made me blush. There’s a heart but it’s incomplete crafted out of beautiful numbers right over the spot where his heart beats. Some numbers are new and raw around the edges he got them today and one, just one flaming red while the others are all black. My mind wonders to the story, there must be a reason for those numbers, for all the art that is so skilfully painted on his flesh. Rowans body is a canvas of colours and words they flow over the ridges of his muscles and match each contour perfectly. I’m forced to look away from the master piece when he answers me.

“Well Lauri, let’s start living right now. Tell me what you want to do in your new life?” His voice is lighter now, like he’s relieved that I don’t want to run for the hills, something my brain still says is the right way to go, but my heart says stay. My heart is a voice I have never listened to before and maybe now is the time to start; my brain decisions haven’t exactly ended in the best results so far.

The way he says Lauri, the way it should be said, the way my dad said it is so comforting and it feels right, that’s
me
. The Irish lilt of his accent that is not quite pure anymore but is still there curls around the name I was given at birth. What do I want? I don’t know but a silly idea pops into my head about where I want to start. I can do this, I can live and I don’t need to be afraid anymore. I will never stop guarding my heart and feelings but I won’t let fear paralyze me anymore. I can do anything I want to do, even if I don’t I can.

“The very first thing I want to do is cover every inch of my scars in art like you have on your body. It’s beautiful and maybe if I cover the ugly with beautiful, I can really forget. If I can’t see it every time I look at myself, maybe it won’t hurt so much. Can we do that?” I ask him with a small tremor in my voice. He is going to think I am nuts and lock me up again. But I cannot see the marks on my body and not be transported back into hell, I have to take my clothes off to bath or shower, I will see them every day, I don’t want to go to hell every day it hurts too much. When I see a burn mark on my skin, I feel the hot end of Renzo’s cigar being pushed into my flesh, I smell it burning, I feel the tears I had to hold back burning at my eyelids, worst of all I see the smile on the devils face as he watched me try not to writhe under his torture. He always won. I need to try and erase that from my mind, I need to not see him every day.

Rowan’s smile grows huge and his blue eyes dance at the idea I just put forward to him. He likes it. I don’t know why I even thought of it but I know I want to do it maybe not all at once but I want to cover the ugly and what better way than with art? The pain will remind me that I don’t need to be afraid anymore. I’m free and this is something I choose, my choice a simple luxury I haven’t had in a very long time.

“That we can most definitely do, I’ll make a call and arrange for Robin to see you. I actually think it’s an amazing idea, but it’s painful and I don’t know if you need more pain than you have already had. Lauri, if that’s what you want we do it.” He seems to genuinely like my crazy idea but the concern on his face when he says how much it hurts as if he is waiting for that to change my mind. He knows nothing of pain, I am sure a tattoo over the scar could never hurt the way that flesh hurt when those scars were created. I like my silly idea more I think about it the more I want to do it. Pain can be cathartic and pain can heal too.

“I’m sure, I’m not afraid of pain, Rowan in fact it’s one thing I am not afraid of at all anymore. Lauri? I like it. It sounds right.” I love the way my real name flows off Rowan’s tongue with his rich Irish accent it feels right. His gravelly voice curls around its sound it’s like music to my ears. I feel like I have a real identity for the first time since my father died.

“That’s your name, in fact to me it always was. It was the name Mick gave you the day you were born. He loved you, he really did and while I do understand that right now you may not love him anymore he always loved you.” His words about dad cut me. I don’t want to talk about him now.

“Rowan let’s leave my dad out of this for now.” I cannot add more emotions to what I feel right now, I can only handle so much at a time.

“Okay, so if pain doesn’t scare you, what does?” He is trying to make conversation, but I know he is trying to pry a little into what has been my life for eight years, wanting to know what was done to me. I can tell that he feels an immense guilt over what happened to me. He shouldn’t but he does.

What scares me? Everything, everything except pain really. I know I can survive pain. I give it some more thought before I answer Rowan. I know that there are things that will plunge me into to panic and strip me of my senses in a second. I’m afraid of so many things. I had to be afraid of everything.

“Living scares me, people scare me, and feelings scare the shit out of me. And touch, I hate being touched it hurts physically even if it’s not intended to my brain equates touch to hurt. The thought of ever having sex completely paralyzes me. I am afraid of so many things Rowan too many to even list.”

I’m being totally open with him now and I should feel embarrassed I feel like Rowan knows without me saying so I might as well spill my heart out now before he commands me to tell him and I act like a fool again.

WELL TAKE THAT
Rowan. I expected her to fight me a little at least. I’m slightly concerned by her statement about not being afraid of physical pain. She’s endured so much pain I thought it would definitely be at least a trigger. She didn’t want to discuss last night and I thank fuck for that. I didn’t want to talk about my shameful retreat at the sight of her scars. I was such a dick.

I’m surprised by her list of fears though. Feelings scare the shit out of me too so I really can’t help there. People well maybe we can work on that one a little and we already started on living. It’s as if bearing her scars to me has shared her hell between us now. I can’t un-see them anymore than she can erase them. Sex, I’m afraid I don’t think I can help her there, her father would come back from the dead and kill me, in fact he was probably already going to do that. Who’s afraid of sex? The woman has only ever been raped that’s who. I hope she gets over that I really do, because let’s face it sex can be fucking amazing. My mind wonders back to the garage and my little sales lady my cock twitches. Fuck reign that shit in Rowan.

I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket but chose to ignore it. It can only be Callum and he can wait. I think about her list again, shit people could be problem since I really only know the criminal kind. Maybe she can get to know some of the people in the Estate office first they seem normal enough to me. I sit and watch her fiddling with the sleeve of her shirt, trying so hard not to look me in the eyes; she runs her hands up and down her thighs. I see her do it often like feeling the ridges under her clothes soothes her a little when she gets overwhelmed by things around here.

Instead of taking Callum’s call, I’m not in the mood for whatever it is, I phone Robin because I genuinely like her idea. He’ll paint away her scars with beautiful art and maybe just maybe she will be able to look at herself without seeing the last eight years in the mirror. I ask him to clear his day tomorrow for a friend and add we’ll be there early, I have to work tomorrow. He doesn’t like the idea but wouldn’t say no to me even if he wanted to, Robin is not an early riser and he is not a fan of meeting new people either.

“Lauri, let’s get some sleep and we can start your new life in the morning.” I say to her standing up to leave, for some stupid reason I don’t actually want to leave her alone. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I have feelings and I am starting to believe they are going to either land me in a heap of shit or kill me either way this is not good.

I see the hint of excitement and fear all mixed together in her hazel eyes as she says goodnight and I close her room door. The physical barrier between us numbs the crazy feeling in my chest a little and I can actually breathe a little.

My phone is buzzing in my fucking pocket again, damn Callum, give up. It’s obviously important for him to still be calling me so I close my room door ending whatever just happened between Lauri and me. I answer Callum’s call returning to my reality, my life and my job.

“What Callum?” I’m not polite about his constant calling. It’s irritating the crap out of me and to be honest, tonight’s not the night to push my buttons. I’m unstable and that’s a dangerous place for me.

“Well hello to you too Rowan, fuck man answer your phone! I have a job for you, it’s a ‘don’t ask - don’t tell’ situation just do it. The details are in your inbox. I’m collecting your house guests’ documents at noon tomorrow and I will bring them to you at the estate in the late afternoon.” He rambles not stopping between thoughts. I roll my eyes I don’t really want him here but I know that curiosity is killing him.