Comfort and Joy (26 page)

Courtenayand Mike rescued Ford for a few hours, takinghim for a drive to calm down and then for a visit to Grandmother Strachn.

Through the nearly empty streets they drove, Courtenay pointing out landmarks to Mike as she steered the van in which they had traveled fromNew England. This left Ford to himself in the part of the van in which Mike ordinarily hauled lumber and building materials. Seated on a crate, elbows on knees, Ford stared blankly at the familiar contours of houses, churches, and squares. He noted small changes in the landscape, filing them away in the part of his brain that maintained Savannah geography. Otherwise he simply sat there, dull-witted in the aftermathofthe conversation.

Relief slowly came to him over the course of the drive. This storm had been so long coming, he hardly knew how to behave now that it had broken. One thought was that Dan would finally be proud ofhim, that he should tellDanas soonas he could. But no thought enabled himto forget the image of Father leaving the roomina shakingrage, nor could reliefalter the fact that he must face his father again.
You are no children of mine.

He had feared his mother's reaction as well, but she surprised him. Clearly she had understood the conditions under which Ford and Dan had been living; she had figured it out some time ago. But she had shared none of her insights, and Father's confusionappeared as totalas his walloffury.
confusionappeared as totalas his walloffury.

Late in the day, Grandmother turned to Courtenay and asked, "Well, how is your mother this morning? I notice the day has passed and she didn't so much as do me the courtesy ofa phone call. Yesterday or today." Grandmother lifted her nose deliberately. "Well, I suppose it's the best I can expect fromher. She's too busy worrying about whether I'm leaving the house to Rose when I die to bother with something as simple as a phone call." As if reading her grandson's mind, she fastened on him clearly. "Or worrying about whether Ford is getting married. She has to worrya lot about that."

"So she's been talking to you?" Ford asked. "I thought she was keepingprettyquiet."
"Oh, she talks about it, all right." The subject had obviously been on Grandmother's mind as well. "Why don't you just go ahead and tellyour parents you're never gettingmarried, Ford?"
The question resounded through the large room, a second parlor, in which a fire burned. Mike ducked his head instinctively, and Courtenay opened her mouth. Ford answered, "I've told thema dozentimes, Grandmother. Theydon't listen."
"For heaven's sake." Sitting back, she contemplated the fire. Impossible, at that moment, to think ofher age or weakness. She embodied sharp savagery instead, a bird of prey. "Then they deserve what they get. If I'm not upset about it, why are they? You're my grandson. If you don't want to get married, you shouldn't do it. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't get married. Not to your grandfather."
"Grandmother," Courtenay reproved, but found herself cut short.
"I wouldn't. I didn't need his money, my family had plenty." Grandmother looked at Ford keenly. "Your mother is afraid I won't leave you this house if you're single when I die. You tell her I said that's nonsense. She wants to pretend I don't know how conniving she is, but I know my children. You tell Jeanine I'm leaving you the house whether you're married or not. Whether you want it or not. And you're going to let Rose live in Whether you want it or not. And you're going to let Rose live in it tillshe dies."
Ford said, "Grandmother, you don't have to think about things like that."
"YoumeanI wouldn't have to think about themifI didn't have a daughter like Jeanine."
They lingered in Grandmother's second parlor through lunch. Toward the middle ofthe afternoon, Ford excused himself to the alcove in the library where Grandmother kept her telephone. Dialing the familiar number, he warned himself he was probably too early, Dan might not be home yet. But the receiver lifted and the voice blossomed across space into Ford's ear.
"Hello,"Ford said, "guess what?"
"I alreadyknow. Your mother called."
Now Ford heard the weariness in the voice. "What did she want?"
"She wanted to know ifit's true that I amhomosexual, and she asked me what I've done to you to make you think you are. That's about the gist of it. And your father got on the line and threatened to call some folks at Emory and have me fired from myjob."
"Oh, Jesus,"Ford said, "I'msorry."
"Don't be."Acalmfilled the phone. "I'mproud of you. I wish there was somethingI could do."
"Don't answer the phone anymore. Allright?"
"All right. Where are you? You sound better than I thought youwould."
"At mygrandmother's. Courtenayand Mike are takingcare of me right now. But you may get a call fromthe airport if I decide to come home early."
Ford asked about Dan's knee, his trip, even about the cats. The ease between them surprised Ford a little. Was it as simple as the fact that Ford had finally said something? That he had made a decision?
made a decision?
He told Courtenay about Mother's phone call on the way to van, after kissing Grandmother Strachn good-bye on her tissuethin cheek. After Courtenay absorbed the surprise, she said, "Well, I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. Was Dan allright?"
"Yes. He was surprised, I guess. But so was I."
At home, they found the house deserted, though the family cars both sat complacently in the parking area behind the house. Mike spotted the parents, who were sitting in the garden, buttoned up in winter coats, sipping some liquid contained in coffee mugs. Between them was a bottle of Scotch and a thermos. They stayed there till after dark, unmoving, with a look as iftheydared anyone to approach.
Finally, Mother came inside the house and Father drove away inhis car.
Ford met her in the kitchen. She managed a glance at himbut she could not meet his eye. "Where's Dad gone?"Ford asked.
"To his office. He had some things he wanted to do."
Ford put his hands in his pockets. "He doesn't want to be around me, does he?"
"Your father had things to do at his office." She repeated the phrase mechanically "You can't very well blame himif he doesn't feelcomfortable around youright now."
"He could try. He has to trysometime."
"Why?" She turned to face him, lit by lightning. "Why does your father have to tryanything? Whycan't youtrysomethingfor a change?"
A comfortingnumbness wrapped him. "Like what?"
"Like behavingthe waywe raised youto behave. Like coming to your senses. What has this person done to control you this way?"
"Who, Dan? Dandoesn't controlme."
"Then I don't know what you call it. He has warped your
"Then I don't know what you call it. He has warped your mind, he has perverted you. He has twisted you up till you think you're the same kind of creature that he is."She stepped to him, took his shoulders in her hands and peered at himearnestly. "But I know you're not. I'm your mother, and I know you're a man. You're not like he is, you're not some kind of homosexual. You're my son and you're a handsome man and you want to do the natural thing. I know you do, or at least I know you will whenyoucome to your senses."
"Mother, I'minmysenses, I'mnot crazy."
"Don't tell me that!" Flashing again, backing away from him. "You're sick, you're still sick from whatever happened to you, and that therapist friend of yours did not help you. I don't know who she was, but I mean to find out and I mean to give her a piece of my mind, because if this is the kind of mess she was encouragingyouto do, to live witha manand callit natural, well, I tell you what—" Stopping for breath, she sagged against the counter. "Ford, you have to get that man out of your house, or I don't know what I'mgoingto do."
"I can't do that, Mother."
"Yes, youcan."
"Mother, you've talked to him. Youknow he's not a monster."
She covered her ears. "I haven't talked to him, I don't know what you're talkingabout."
"Youcalled himtoday. He told me so."
"I have never talked to that creature. Never." Then, in a low, dangerous voice, "Did you call him from here? Did you call that manfrommytelephone?"
"No. I called whenI was visitingGrandmother."
Nearly shrieking in his face, she hissed, "How dare you! How dare youcallthat manfrommymother's house, how dare you!"
She came so close to hysterical screams that Courtenay appeared and hovered in the door. Ford turned to her and said, "Take me to the airport. Allright?"
"Where are you going?"Mother asked. "Ford, where are you going?"
"I'm going home, Mother." He refused to face her. Afraid his own face would melt. His tie to her felt ruptured, irreparable. "Home,"he repeated.
"Youcan't leave."Half-hearted, like a reflex.
"Yes, I can."
In the end, when there proved to be no seats on any flights, Courtenay and Mike drove him to Atlanta, borrowing Grandmother's Lincoln. Mike steered along the mundane Jim Ellis Freeway through miles of swamp. Ford sprawled in the backseat as if in a wasteland. Holding on to the thought that he would be at home tonight, that he would sleep in his own bed, next to Dan.
Near Clifton Heights, he realized he had never called Dan to say he was coming. No lights shone in the front of the house, except the front porch lamp. Mike steered to the backyard, and Ford guided himto the parkingspot under the trees.
The back door opened, light flooded the side yard. Dan appeared. Ford slid from the car eagerly, and Dan called his name, descendingthe brick steps.
He hesitated a few feet from Ford. He stepped into the orbit of Ford's shoulders and took them in his hands. For a moment, along with sympathy and concern, desire hovered as well. Betweenthemboth.
Courtenay and Mike got out of the car, and Ford thought he ought to move. But Dan's hands held him firmly pinioned, with hardly any pressure at all. Ford stood there and breathed the air ofhis home, the comfortingscent ofDan.
"Was it that bad?"
"Worse."His voice surprised himwithits calm.
Amoment later, he introduced Courtenay and Mike. Dan had talked to Courtenay a couple of times on the phone and they embraced as near-family members were expected to do, though embraced as near-family members were expected to do, though stiffly. Mike shook Dan's hand with a mildly bemused expression. They sat in the den for a while. Ford and Courtenay told the storyofthe day. Dankept his eye onFord throughout.
Oddly, it was Courtenay who seemed uncomfortable. She spoke to Dan politely, and kept her end of the conversation freely moving; she told the story of Ford's coming out deftly and with enough passion that Ford believed she wanted to accept himas the kind of man he had described. But in Dan's presence, the relationship between Dan and Ford was no longer theoretical. In front of her now was the man with whom Ford slept. Courtenay disguised the feeling easily and with McKinney skill. Ford noticed it all the same, and apparently Mike did as well. He joined the conversation at points, describing the various encounters he had endured withthe McKinneyparents.
Ford settled Courtenay and Mike into the guest room and said good night. Courtenay kissed Dan's cheek dutifully before going to bed, and they watched each other for a moment with careful scrutiny; Dan vanished soon after. Mike said, in the doorway, "I like him. He's a good guy."
"Yeah." Ford yawned and scratched the back of his head. "I like himtoo."
"It shows," Courtenay waved good night, adding, almost convincingly, "I'mhappywe finallymet him."
"Yousure?"
"Yes."
He found Danstandinginthe doorwayto the sunroom. Again, Ford sensed the desire that underlay Dan's tenderness. Sliding his hands up the broad planes of Ford's back, Dan said, "I'm sorryit went so badly."
"At least it's done. I'mhome."
"I know. I can't believe it. What time do yougo to the hospital tomorrow?"
"Noon. ThenI'moncallfor three days straight."
Dan blew out breath and shook his head. Ford kept Dan
Dan blew out breath and shook his head. Ford kept Dan against him. Dan asked, "You're on call New Year's Eve, too, aren't you?"
"Yes." Remembering this house a year ago, this body coming within reach for the first time. Ford waited for his own body to unfold. After a time, with a touch of gruffness, he asked, "How's your leg?"
"Fine,"Dananswered, "want to see?"
They headed to the bedroom. Ford found the necessary condom in the table by the side of the bed and laid it in plain sight, as a declaration.

Silence settled over the link between Ford and his father. When Ford telephoned, his mother invariably answered. After her single outburst on the day after Christmas, she continued to talk to Ford as reasonablyas ever, withher usualawesome cool. When Ford asked, Will Dad speak to me today? she answered, Why no, son, he's not here right now. He'llbe back in a little bit. When Ford said, Tell Dad to call me, she answered, Well, son, you know he probably won't do that right now. When Ford asked, How much longer can this go on? she answered, Now Ford, you've disappointed your father, you know you have. You've disappointed bothofus. And youhave to live withthat.