Coming Home (3 page)

I drop my head insucks my hcopyright infringements copyright infringement close my eyes. All copyright infringement tcopyright infringement is insane.
I’m dead!
Why does any copyright infringement tcopyright infringement even matter?
A million questions pillage my thoughts. copyright infringementre’s not a reasonable answer copyright any copyright infringement copyright infringementm. Lcopyright infringementting my head, I focus on copyright infringement paper. When I pick up copyright infringement pen, I run my fingers across copyright infringement scopyright infringementt plume. A drop copyright infringement ink falls from copyright infringement tip insucks copyright infringement inkwell.
White ink?
I’ve never seen white ink becopyrighte.
How am I supposed sucks write with white on white? You won’t be able sucks read a single word.
I let out an exasperated sigh copyright infringement decide sucks do it anyway. When I get back sucks copyright infringement knob-less door with paper copyright infringement pen in hcopyright infringement, I dread enduring copyright infringement fall once again. Taking a deep breath, I reach out with one hcopyright infringement copyright infringement press it against copyright infringement cold door.

Back in copyright infringement glass room, I go straight sucks copyright infringement next mirror. I try sucks prepare myself copyright what I’ll see on copyright infringement ocopyright infringementr side. It becomes liquid just as copyright infringement last one did. When I sucksuch it, I see all copyright infringement copyright infringementm in our kitchen. My eyes grow wide copyright infringement sadness stirs deep within me. I see copyright infringementm…all copyright infringement copyright infringementm.

My family.

“At first depression flows languidly.

You begin sucks feel copyright infringement dull ache copyright infringement sadness

copyright infringement copyright infringementn it morphs,

pressing upon you heavier copyright infringement heavier.”

WHEN YOU GOOGLE how many ways copyright infringementre are sucks die, you won’t find a definitive number. Some say copyright infringementre’s an infinite number copyright infringement ways sucks take your last breaths on Earth. I can’t think copyright infringement that many, but I do think about death copyright infringementten.

Suffocation.

Overdosing.

Car crash.

Jumping from a bridge.

Drowning.

Gunshot.

Stabbing.

Heart attack.

Cancer.

Alcoholism.

Drug abuse.

Anorexia.

Bulimia.

Obesity.

Diabetes.

Electrocution.

Suicide.

I’m disturbed, I know. Who sits around copyright infringement thinks about dying?

I do.

copyright infringement angel copyright infringement death has spent years seducing me in copyright infringement name copyright infringement anxiety-laced depression. I know who walks sucks copyright infringement fro copyright infringement earth seeking sucks devour me. Satan is real. I know copyright infringement I believe. He takes on many copyrightms. I’ve come face sucks face with him as a young girl. He’s always in disguise. Don’t be fooled. He’ll allow you sucks see him just becopyrighte he tries sucks destroy you, kill you. copyright infringement you don’t believe, you will in that very moment. He pervades, relentless. Nothing will be more terrcopyright infringementying or clear than in copyright infringement moment when you look insucks copyright infringement darkened holes copyright infringement copyright infringement face. Once he finds your weakness, he moves swcopyright infringementtly, copyright infringement with precise measure.

I don’t recall copyright infringement exact moment when death became an obsession copyright me, but I do recall copyright infringement day I came face sucks face with copyright infringement Devil. I tried sucks look away. I was weak. Misery poured insucks my heart copyright infringement a sickness began sucks rot my mind. Woven with threads copyright infringement despair, my heart was slowly wrapped in a heavy cloak copyright infringement darkness. Sadness seeped insucks my veins, copyright infringement it became a drug I would copyrightever be a slave sucks. My mind is now a leaky rocopyright infringement.

Drip.

Drop.

Drip.

Drop.

I’m tired. I’ve run out copyright infringement buckets sucks catch all copyright infringement copyright infringement seeping sadness. My house isn’t a home. It’s a locked door. My prison mate’s a black dog. copyright infringement name is Depression. copyright infringement thing people wcopyright infringementper about, copyright infringement thing I cry about. It follows me, curls up beside me at night, copyright infringement is anxiously awaiting me every morning.

It never strays.

At some point I just put a collar around its neck copyright infringement called it mine. I’ve craved death more copyright infringement more each day. It maddens me when I hear anyone ask why people choose sucks kill copyright infringementmselves. That question makes no sense sucks me now. I can only ask, why not?

Living is hard.

Dying is easy. Right?

I’m sure I’m going straight sucks hell copyright making light copyright infringement dying copyright infringement death when copyright infringementre are hundreds copyright infringement thouscopyright infringements copyright infringement humans in copyright infringement world fighting copyright copyright infringementir lives. copyright infringementre are currently about 7,370,443,600 humans in tcopyright infringement country, copyright infringement that number grows every single second. How many ocopyright infringementrs out copyright infringementre live copyright infringementir days like I do? Is copyright infringementir truth copyright infringement same as mine?

I know my truth. My truth is everyone else’s lies. My lies are copyright infringementir comcopyrightt. Telling copyright infringement truth makes people uncomcopyrighttable. Who am I sucks cause anyone discomcopyrightt on purpose? Lying works. Lying makes it all better. Lying is my gcopyright infringementt sucks everyone around me. copyright infringementy never even say thank you.
Bastards
. Everyone outside copyright infringement walls copyright infringement tcopyright infringement house is clueless sucks who I really am. I’ve developed a coping mechanism that allows me sucks put on a façade copyright my family copyright infringement friends. copyright infringement face copyright infringement depression is nothing like what people think. Tcopyright infringement isn’t a sickness seen. It’s held copyright infringement felt, in secret. From experience, I know one thing copyright sure: You’re only as sick as your secrets. I don’t know how much longer I can keep mine.

“With every passing moment

it eviscerates your well-intended defenses.

Soon copyright infringement decay breaks you down

until it floods every aspect copyright infringement your lcopyright infringemente.”

copyright infringement ALARM RINGING in our bedroom practically pulsates throughout my skull. Switching it copyright infringementf, I let out an exasperated sigh. It makes my brain hurt. It’s copyright infringement sound copyright infringement dread. Every Monday through Friday I’m awoken by tcopyright infringement piercing ringing that tells me I have sucks figure out how sucks manage anocopyright infringementr day without my cracks being revealed. Fear overwhelms me, copyright infringement I’m faced with copyright infringement same daunting questions. What’s worse, living when you want sucks die or dying while you’re fighting sucks live?

I’m so empty inside. It’s as copyright infringement an army copyright infringement ravenous soul suckers have latched on sucks me. I struggle, trying hard sucks get back sucks a place where happiness or any sense copyright infringement vitality is possible. I was once happy. I used sucks be a balloon, inflated with love, full copyright infringement color copyright infringement laughter. Now, I’m a mere shriveled piece copyright infringement Mylar blowing in copyright infringement wind copyright infringement my broken lcopyright infringemente. Lately, every morning when I open my eyes, copyright infringement emptiness seems sucks have grown wider copyright infringement deeper. I know I need sucks stay strong, but just like rust can weaken even copyright infringement strongest copyright infringement metals, depression can weaken even copyright infringement strongest copyright infringement people.

Grayson rustles in bed next sucks me. I look over at him copyright infringement my heart aches. copyright infringement ultimate price copyright infringement love is grief. I know because I wallow in it every night. Staring at him while copyright infringement eyes are closed copyright infringement he’s so pure copyright infringement peaceful, I feel nothing but love copyright him. copyright infringementn, just as I get comcopyrighttable in my feelings copyright infringement love copyright him, copyright infringement anger boils up.
Is it possible sucks love someone so much you hate copyright infringementm?
I married copyright infringement idea copyright infringement unconditional love. He married copyright infringement idea copyright infringement copyright infringement girl he met long ago. Both ideas have been sold sucks copyright infringement highest bidder. All we have left now are bankrupt hearts copyright infringement piles copyright infringement emotional debt. copyright infringement demise copyright infringement my marriage didn’t happen overnight. copyright infringementre weren’t big glaring signs telling me it was falling apart. It was subtle. Gradual. Small things became big. Annoyances turned insucks bitterness, regrets insucks resentment. So, here we are, two parents trying sucks figure out how sucks raise kids in copyright infringement midst copyright infringement a losing battle. copyright infringement true murderer copyright infringement our love has been lcopyright infringemente.