Complete Plays, The (335 page)

Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig and recover the lost hair of another man.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?

Dromio of Syracuse

Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts; and what he hath scanted men in hair he hath given them in wit.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Why, but there’s many a man hath more hair than wit.

Dromio of Syracuse

Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.

Dromio of Syracuse

The plainer dealer, the sooner lost: yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.

Antipholus of Syracuse

For what reason?

Dromio of Syracuse

For two; and sound ones too.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Nay, not sound, I pray you.

Dromio of Syracuse

Sure ones, then.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing.

Dromio of Syracuse

Certain ones then.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Name them.

Dromio of Syracuse

The one, to save the money that he spends in trimming; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.

Antipholus of Syracuse

You would all this time have proved there is no time for all things.

Dromio of Syracuse

Marry, and did, sir; namely, no time to recover hair lost by nature.

Antipholus of Syracuse

But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover.

Dromio of Syracuse

Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald and therefore to the world’s end will have bald followers.

Antipholus of Syracuse

I knew ’twould be a bald conclusion:
But, soft! who wafts us yonder?

Enter Adriana and Luciana

Adriana

Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown:
Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects;
I am not Adriana nor thy wife.
The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow
That never words were music to thine ear,
That never object pleasing in thine eye,
That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
That never meat sweet-savor’d in thy taste,
Unless I spake, or look’d, or touch’d, or carved to thee.
How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,
That thou art thus estranged from thyself?
Thyself I call it, being strange to me,
That, undividable, incorporate,
Am better than thy dear self’s better part.
Ah, do not tear away thyself from me!
For know, my love, as easy mayest thou fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulf,
And take unmingled that same drop again,
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me thyself and not me too.
How dearly would it touch me to the quick,
Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious
And that this body, consecrate to thee,
By ruffian lust should be contaminate!
Wouldst thou not spit at me and spurn at me
And hurl the name of husband in my face
And tear the stain’d skin off my harlot-brow
And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou canst; and therefore see thou do it.
I am possess’d with an adulterate blot;
My blood is mingled with the crime of lust:
For if we too be one and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then far league and truce with thy true bed;
I live unstain’d, thou undishonoured.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk;
Who, every word by all my wit being scann’d,
Want wit in all one word to understand.

Luciana

Fie, brother! how the world is changed with you!
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.

Antipholus of Syracuse

By Dromio?

Dromio of Syracuse

By me?

Adriana

By thee; and this thou didst return from him,
That he did buffet thee, and, in his blows,
Denied my house for his, me for his wife.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
What is the course and drift of your compact?

Dromio of Syracuse

I, sir? I never saw her till this time.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Villain, thou liest; for even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.

Dromio of Syracuse

I never spake with her in all my life.

Antipholus of Syracuse

How can she thus then call us by our names,
Unless it be by inspiration.

Adriana

How ill agrees it with your gravity
To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood!
Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate:
If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss;
Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.

Antipholus of Syracuse

To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme:
What, was I married to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
Until I know this sure uncertainty,
I’ll entertain the offer’d fallacy.

Luciana

Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.

Dromio of Syracuse

O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
This is the fairy land: O spite of spites!
We talk with goblins, owls and sprites:
If we obey them not, this will ensue,
They’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.

Luciana

Why pratest thou to thyself and answer’st not?
Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!

Dromio of Syracuse

I am transformed, master, am I not?

Antipholus of Syracuse

I think thou art in mind, and so am I.

Dromio of Syracuse

Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Thou hast thine own form.

Dromio of Syracuse

No, I am an ape.

Luciana

If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.

Dromio of Syracuse

’Tis true; she rides me and I long for grass.
’Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.

Adriana

Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep,
Whilst man and master laugh my woes to scorn.
Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.
Husband, I’ll dine above with you to-day
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.
Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking? mad or well-advised?
Known unto these, and to myself disguised!
I’ll say as they say and persever so,
And in this mist at all adventures go.

Dromio of Syracuse

Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

Adriana

Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

Luciana

Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.

Exeunt

A
CT
III

S
CENE
I. B
EFORE
THE
HOUSE
OF
A
NTIPHOLUS
OF
E
PHESUS
.

Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo, and Balthazar

Antipholus of Ephesus

Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
Say that I linger’d with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
But here’s a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

Dromio of Ephesus

Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

Antipholus of Ephesus

I think thou art an ass.

Dromio of Ephesus

Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick’d; and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

Antipholus of Ephesus

You’re sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

Balthazar

I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

Antipholus of Ephesus

O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.

Balthazar

Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

Antipholus of Ephesus

And welcome more common; for that’s nothing but words.

Balthazar

Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But, soft! my door is lock’d. Go bid them let us in.

Dromio of Ephesus

Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch. Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store, When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

Dromio of Ephesus

What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Who talks within there? ho, open the door!

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
Right, sir; I’ll tell you when, an you tell me wherefore.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.

Antipholus of Ephesus

What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

Dromio of Ephesus

O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name. The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame. If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place, Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy name for an ass.

Luce

[Within]
 
What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?

Dromio of Ephesus

Let my master in, Luce.

Luce

[Within]
 
Faith, no; he comes too late;
And so tell your master.

Dromio of Ephesus

O Lord, I must laugh!
Have at you with a proverb — Shall I set in my staff?

Luce

[Within]
 
Have at you with another; that’s — When? can you tell?

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
If thy name be call’d Luce — Luce, thou hast answered him well.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Do you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope?

Luce

[Within]
 
I thought to have asked you.

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
And you said no.

Dromio of Ephesus

So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Thou baggage, let me in.

Luce

[Within]
 
Can you tell for whose sake?

Dromio of Ephesus

Master, knock the door hard.

Luce

[Within]
 
Let him knock till it ache.

Antipholus of Ephesus

You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

Luce

[Within]
 
What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

Adriana

[Within]
 
Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?

Dromio of Syracuse

[Within]
 
By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

Adriana

[Within]
 
Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.

Dromio of Ephesus

If you went in pain, master, this ’knave’ would go sore.