Complete Plays, The (338 page)

Antipholus of Syracuse

The fellow is distract, and so am I;
And here we wander in illusions:
Some blessed power deliver us from hence!

Enter a Courtezan

Courtezan

Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.
I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now:
Is that the chain you promised me to-day?

Antipholus of Syracuse

Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.

Dromio of Syracuse

Master, is this Mistress Satan?

Antipholus of Syracuse

It is the devil.

Dromio of Syracuse

Nay, she is worse, she is the devil’s dam; and here she comes in the habit of a light wench: and thereof comes that the wenches say ‘God damn me;’ that’s as much to say ‘God make me a light wench.’ It is written, they appear to men like angels of light: light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn; ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.

Courtezan

Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.
Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here?

Dromio of Syracuse

Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat; or bespeak a long spoon.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Why, Dromio?

Dromio of Syracuse

Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Avoid then, fiend! what tell’st thou me of supping?
Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress:
I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.

Courtezan

Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,
Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised,
And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

Dromio of Syracuse

Some devils ask but the parings of one’s nail,
A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,
A nut, a cherry-stone;
But she, more covetous, would have a chain.
Master, be wise: an if you give it her,
The devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.

Courtezan

I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain:
I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dromio, let us go.

Dromio of Syracuse

‘Fly pride,’ says the peacock: mistress, that you know.

Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse

Courtezan

Now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad,
Else would he never so demean himself.
A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,
And for the same he promised me a chain:
Both one and other he denies me now.
The reason that I gather he is mad,
Besides this present instance of his rage,
Is a mad tale he told to-day at dinner,
Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.
Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,
On purpose shut the doors against his way.
My way is now to hie home to his house,
And tell his wife that, being lunatic,
He rush’d into my house and took perforce
My ring away. This course I fittest choose;
For forty ducats is too much to lose.

Exit

S
CENE
IV. A
STREET
.

Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and the Officer

Antipholus of Ephesus

Fear me not, man; I will not break away:
I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,
To warrant thee, as I am ’rested for.
My wife is in a wayward mood to-day,
And will not lightly trust the messenger
That I should be attach’d in Ephesus,
I tell you, ’twill sound harshly in her ears.

Enter Dromio of Ephesus with a rope’s-end

Here comes my man; I think he brings the money.
How now, sir! have you that I sent you for?

Dromio of Ephesus

Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.

Antipholus of Ephesus

But where’s the money?

Dromio of Ephesus

Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?

Dromio of Ephesus

I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.

Antipholus of Ephesus

To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?

Dromio of Ephesus

To a rope’s-end, sir; and to that end am I returned.

Antipholus of Ephesus

And to that end, sir, I will welcome you.

Beating him

Officer

Good sir, be patient.

Dromio of Ephesus

Nay, ’tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity.

Officer

Good, now, hold thy tongue.

Dromio of Ephesus

Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Thou whoreson, senseless villain!

Dromio of Ephesus

I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.

Dromio of Ephesus

I am an ass, indeed; you may prove it by my long ears. I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating; I am waked with it when I sleep; raised with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcomed home with it when I return; nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar wont her brat; and, I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.

Enter Adriana, Luciana, the Courtezan, and Pinch

Dromio of Ephesus

Mistress, ‘respice finem,’ respect your end; or rather, the prophecy like the parrot, ‘beware the rope’s-end.’

Antipholus of Ephesus

Wilt thou still talk?

Beating him

Courtezan

How say you now? is not your husband mad?

Adriana

His incivility confirms no less.
Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand.

Luciana

Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!

Courtezan

Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy!

Pinch

Give me your hand and let me feel your pulse.

Antipholus of Ephesus

There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.

Striking him

Pinch

I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,
To yield possession to my holy prayers
And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven!

Antipholus of Ephesus

Peace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.

Adriana

O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!

Antipholus of Ephesus

You minion, you, are these your customers?
Did this companion with the saffron face
Revel and feast it at my house to-day,
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut
And I denied to enter in my house?

Adriana

O husband, God doth know you dined at home;
Where would you had remain’d until this time,
Free from these slanders and this open shame!

Antipholus of Ephesus

Dined at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?

Dromio of Ephesus

Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Were not my doors lock’d up and I shut out?

Dromio of Ephesus

Perdie, your doors were lock’d and you shut out.

Antipholus of Ephesus

And did not she herself revile me there?

Dromio of Ephesus

Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?

Dromio of Ephesus

Certes, she did; the kitchen-vestal scorn’d you.

Antipholus of Ephesus

And did not I in rage depart from thence?

Dromio of Ephesus

In verity you did; my bones bear witness,
That since have felt the vigour of his rage.

Adriana

Is’t good to soothe him in these contraries?

Pinch

It is no shame: the fellow finds his vein,
And yielding to him humours well his frenzy.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Thou hast suborn’d the goldsmith to arrest me.

Adriana

Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.

Dromio of Ephesus

Money by me! heart and goodwill you might;
But surely master, not a rag of money.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Went’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?

Adriana

He came to me and I deliver’d it.

Luciana

And I am witness with her that she did.

Dromio of Ephesus

God and the rope-maker bear me witness
That I was sent for nothing but a rope!

Pinch

Mistress, both man and master is possess’d;
I know it by their pale and deadly looks:
They must be bound and laid in some dark room.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth to-day?
And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?

Adriana

I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.

Dromio of Ephesus

And, gentle master, I received no gold;
But I confess, sir, that we were lock’d out.

Adriana

Dissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all;
And art confederate with a damned pack
To make a loathsome abject scorn of me:
But with these nails I’ll pluck out these false eyes
That would behold in me this shameful sport.

Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives

Adriana

O, bind him, bind him! let him not come near me.

Pinch

More company! The fiend is strong within him.

Luciana

Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!

Antipholus of Ephesus

What, will you murder me? Thou gaoler, thou,
I am thy prisoner: wilt thou suffer them
To make a rescue?

Officer

 
Masters, let him go
He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.

Pinch

Go bind this man, for he is frantic too.

They offer to bind Dromio of Ephesus

Adriana

What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?
Hast thou delight to see a wretched man
Do outrage and displeasure to himself?

Officer

He is my prisoner: if I let him go,
The debt he owes will be required of me.

Adriana

I will discharge thee ere I go from thee:
Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,
And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.
Good master doctor, see him safe convey’d
Home to my house. O most unhappy day!

Antipholus of Ephesus

O most unhappy strumpet!

Dromio of Ephesus

Master, I am here entered in bond for you.

Antipholus of Ephesus

Out on thee, villain! wherefore dost thou mad me?

Dromio of Ephesus

Will you be bound for nothing? be mad, good master: cry ‘The devil!’

Luciana

God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!

Adriana

Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.

Exeunt all but Adriana, Luciana, Officer and Courtezan

Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?

Officer

One Angelo, a goldsmith: do you know him?

Adriana

I know the man. What is the sum he owes?

Officer

Two hundred ducats.

Adriana

Say, how grows it due?

Officer

Due for a chain your husband had of him.

Adriana

He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.

Courtezan

When as your husband all in rage to-day
Came to my house and took away my ring —
The ring I saw upon his finger now —
Straight after did I meet him with a chain.

Adriana

It may be so, but I did never see it.
Come, gaoler, bring me where the goldsmith is:
I long to know the truth hereof at large.

Enter Antipholus of Syracuse with his rapier drawn, and Dromio of Syracuse

Luciana

God, for thy mercy! they are loose again.

Adriana

And come with naked swords.
Let’s call more help to have them bound again.

Officer

Away! they’ll kill us.

Exeunt all but Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse

Antipholus of Syracuse

I see these witches are afraid of swords.

Dromio of Syracuse

She that would be your wife now ran from you.

Antipholus of Syracuse

Come to the Centaur; fetch our stuff from thence:
I long that we were safe and sound aboard.

Dromio of Syracuse

Faith, stay here this night; they will surely do us no harm: you saw they speak us fair, give us gold: methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of me, I could find in my heart to stay here still and turn witch.

Antipholus of Syracuse

I will not stay to-night for all the town;
Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard.

Exeunt

A
CT
V

S
CENE
I. A
STREET
BEFORE
A
P
RIORY
.