Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald (Illustrated) (461 page)

MISS S.: Romantic bosh.

DOROTHY: It’s about a burglar.

MISS S.: Horrors!

DOROTHY: Not an ordinary burglar.

MISS S.: What kind?

DOROTHY: He is called the Shadow. For two weeks the police have been after him but they can’t catch him. He slips through their fingers. That’s why they call him the Shadow. Oh they say he’s so handsome.

MISS S.: Oh!
(Sighs.)

DOROTHY: So accomplished!

MISS S.: Oh!!
(Sighs.)

DOROTHY: And so wicked!

MISS S.: Oh!!!
(Startled.)

DOROTHY: I like to imagine that he isn’t really a burglar at all but only pretending to be one. Because he always sends back everything he steals with his compliments.

MISS S.: He does?

DOROTHY: Yes. And real burglars don’t do that, do they?

MISS S.: Unfortunately they don’t. But I am perfectly aware that the person who stole my watch last year was a real burglar.

DOROTHY: Really?

MISS S.: He might send that back and leave off the compliments. I’ll give him the compliments if I catch him. That’s the second Ingersoll I’ve lost in the space of ten years.

DOROTHY: Yes, it’s terrible the way time flies. To change the subject, Helen Mayburn is coming over tonight to spend the night.

MISS S.: The poor girl that’s going to marry your brother?

DOROTHY: Why Miss Saunders!

MISS S.: I think she is making a fool of herself to do it. And I have a right to my opinion. And I will tell Hubert so.

DOROTHY: Poor Hubert.

MISS S.: Poor Hubert, indeed!

(Girl’s voice outside singing — “Everybody’s doin’ it”)

(Enter Helen Mayburn. She sees Dorothy and stops in the doorway.)

HELEN: Why hello, Dorothy. What’s the row about?

DOROTHY: Nothing at all.

MISS S.: Yes it is.

DOROTHY:
(TO Miss Saunders.)
Don’t you say a word.

MISS S.: Miss Mayburn, I feel it my duty to tell you that the man you are going to marry is a drunkard.

HELEN: Miss Saunders, he is not.

DOROTHY: Helen dear, don’t listen to her.

MISS S.: Indeed! Let me tell you young ladies that you must behave quietly tonight.

DOROTHY: Oh we will.

HELEN: Of course.

MISS S.: And remember, no raids on the pantry. Last time you two were together you tried to steal some cake which I would have given you if you had asked me politely.

HELEN: Oh, but it was so much more fun to steal it.

MISS S.: And James thought you were burglars.

HELEN AND DOROTHY: And we pushed him down stairs.

MISS S.: And he left the next morning. Well, we must have no more of that. Good evening, young ladies.
(Exit at L. B. E.)

HELEN: What a most peculiar old lady.

DOROTHY: Very. She’ll probably try to get you off in a corner and say all the mean things she can about Hubert.

HELEN: Well! When we have our little chat, I’ll tell her what I think of her. Where is Hubert?

DOROTHY: Down town somewhere, I suppose. Come let us go upstairs.

HELEN: And Dorothy — we’ll practice the turkey trot before the big mirror in the hall. Come on.

(Exit the two.)

(Knocking outside.)

(Pause
five
seconds.)

(Knocking is repeated.)

HUBERT: (
Outside.)
Ah, what in ze name of Pat is the matter now? Open ze darn old door. Can’t a person enter his paternal residence wisout his key, ‘specially when he’s been so confounded “nfortunate as to lose the old key? It’s aggravating and antagonizing. Hello. Hello. (
Crash outside.)
There’s a nice trick. Leave it unlocked all the time. Pick me up, boys. I’m not broken but only dented. Pick up those two teeth near the door. They may come in handy in the morning.

(He appears tottering in the doorway.)

HUBERT: Good evening. Why there’s nobody home. (
Enter behind hiyn Chinyman Rudd and Rabbit Simmons. )
Come in, gentlemen. Make yourself at home and sit down.
(Falls against Ruddy pushing him into chair. Then pushes Rabbit into chair. Tries to sit down.)
Pardon me, but could you give me a slight assistance?

(Rabbit pushes him into chair.)
Much obliged. My legs are a little stiff from walking.

RUDD: Say, is this where you hang out?

HUBERT: This is my domicile abode.

RABBIT: Your paternal hemorrhage?

RUDD: Heritage. You ain’t got no edication.

RABBIT: Say, we’ve forgotten your name.

HUBERT: My name’s Hubert Connage. Dad is Mr. Connage.

Mother is Mrs. Connage. And my sister is Dorothy Connage. All the family, you see, have the same name. It’s surprising to me, to say the least. I’ve often wondered what a remarkable coincidence it was that we all had the same name. There’s Dad, one — he’s really two but we’ll count him one — and me, two. No, I’m one too. One, two, three, four.

RABBIT: Who the deuce are we for?

RUDD: Forty-seventh Street gang.

BOTH: Rah! Rah! Rah!
(Both whistle.)

HUBERT: Hurray for you.

RUDD: Say, honest it’s awful nice of you to pick us up on the streets and bring us back with you to spend the night, but what will your governor say?

HUBERT: Probably say “how-de-do.”

RABBIT: I don’t care if he only says it. What’s worrying me is, — Has he got a dog?

HUBERT: No, there’s no dog. There’s a cat, tho’. Cutest little devil.

RABBIT: Divine, ain’t it, Ching?

RUDD: Unsophisticating.

RABBIT: Oh chickering.

RUDD: Say, this reminds me of Charley’s opium joint. All them there pictures and things.

RABBIT:
(Sees statue of Venus de Milo.)
Your mother swimmin’?

HUBERT: Mother? No. That’s a good one. That’s Venus de Milo.

RUDD: Pity you broke it. How did it bust?

RABBIT: Some one kicked it on the impulse of the moment.

HUBERT: I’m going to introduce you to Dad and tell him you’re my friends and are going to spend the night with me.

RABBIT: The likes of us ain’t for here. We both look like we been shot at an’ missed. We don’t move in the same circles.

HUBERT: I don’t know about circles but I have lately been moving in all sorts of curves.

RUDD: We’re — we’re — A couple of crooks.

HUBERT: That’s a good job. Are you married?

RABBIT: No, I got these scratches from a cat.

HUBERT: What are your names?

RUDD: On the island he’s 96 and I’m 108.

RABBIT: In social life he’s Chinyman Rudd and I’m Rabbit Simmons.

HUBERT: Rabbit, I had a rabbit once. Pretty little things, aren’t they? This rabbit was an awful crook. He stole more lettuce. So you’re burglars. What do you steal, bases?

RABBIT: We’ve been working for a fellow called the Shadow. He’s a kind of a gentleman burglar. He goes around in a dress suit and robs houses. We spy around for him, see when the family is going to be at home, find out about valuables and he pays us five hundred dollars a week apiece.

HUBERT: Who the dickens is the Shadow?

RUDD: His real name’s Thorton Hart. Nobody knows nothing about him. He acts just like a gentleman. He came about two weeks ago and he’s about as nervy as they make ‘em. They can’t catch him. He slips through the cops every time.

HUBERT: A shadow, hey? Well I’ll bet the old Shadow won’t have time for reflection if some good detectives get after him. Ever read Sherlock Holmes, Mr. Bunny?

RABBIT: Rabbit. No. Ever read Nick Carter?

HUBERT: Never. Say, I don’t want to see the poor old Shadow shackled. I hope the police don’t get him.

RUDD: He’s got on a job tonight. He says it’s a big one but he won’t tell us about it.

HUBERT: Success to him. Come, we’ll drink to him.
(He fills up three glasses.)
To the Shadow! May he never have the great misfortune to be a captured Shadow.

ALL: TO the Shadow!
(All drink.)

HUBERT: Well, now I’ll procure you fellows some clothes. Why the way you’re dressed is a disgrace. I thought all crooks were rich. I’ll find you some good clothes. You make yourself at home and help yourself.
(Exit.)

RABBIT: Well here’s our chance. Pile in a bagful of that silverware and beat it quick.

RUDD: AW say, nix.

RABBIT: Why not?

RUDD: When the guy meets us on the street, then brings us home and tells us he’s going to have us here to spend the night, we oughtn’t to rush off with his silver. H’ain’t you got no manners?

RABBIT: Just look. What couldn’t we do with this and this. Hold me back, please.

RUDD: I got enough to do holding myself.

BOTH: Ohh.
(Sighing.)

(Enter Hubert with clothes.)

HUBERT: Now here’s some clothes. You go in there and put ‘em on. Try to look respectable and I’ll introduce you to Dad.

RUDD: What does your dad weigh?

RABBIT: HOW’S his punch?

HUBERT: Don’t know, but his whiskey’s darn good.

RUDD: Say, are these ours for keeps?

HUBERT: Sure.

RABBIT: Well I’ll leave my things here in exchange. They ain’t much to look at but they’re valuable as relics. It would grieve me if they were thrown away.

HUBERT: Don’t worry. I’ll put ‘em in a glass case.

RABBIT: Say, this is awful good of you even if you are tight.

HUBERT: Oh that’s all right, Mr. Hare.

RABBIT: Rabbit, Rabbit.

HUBERT: Rabies!

RABBIT: Rabbit.

HUBERT: Where?

RABBIT: Naw, Rabbit is my name.

HUBERT: Oh! I couldn’t imagine what you were talking about. Ha-Ha —
(Laughs.)

RABBIT: Where do we change?

HUBERT: In there. Oh.
(Something occurs to him.) (Laughs.)
I’ve got the greatest scheme. Aldermen.

RUDD: Where?

HUBERT: YOU!
(Still convulsed with laughter.)

RABBIT: He’s dippy.

RUDD: Poor guy.

HUBERT: NOW don’t you see? I’ll introduce you as aldermen from the Seventh Ward.

RUDD:
(Doubtfully.)
Hm!

RABBIT: Crooked politics.

RUDD: Say, do we look like aldermen?

HUBERT: Exactly, and it’ll be a capital joke on Dad.

RABBIT: NO alderman has got anything on me. Clarence, pass the sherry.

RUDD: The skenatcho sauce, please.

HUBERT: NOW remember, you’re aldermen from the S-s-t Ward.

RABBIT: The what?

HUBERT: The Whist Ward.

RUDD: Try and whistle it.

RABBIT: S-t.

HUBERT: Thixth. There it is. Thixth Ward.

RUDD: Not the Sixth. There’s an awful lot of roughnecks in the Sixth Ward.

RABBIT: Mercy me. How perfectly fumigating.

HUBERT: NOW you fellows come along and jump into these duds and then you can reform Tammany Hall.

(Exit Hubert and Rudd.)

(Rabbit sneaks over and fills a glass full of whiskey.)

(A head is -poked cautiously in the back door. The Shadow is seen. He sees Rabbit and starts. He sneaks up to the table, seizes a book and throws it at Rabbit’s feet. Rabbit jumps.)

RABBIT: The Shadow.

SHADOW: Well?

RABBIT: What are you doing here?

SHADOW: That’s just what I was going to ask you.

RABBIT: I am here with a special invitation.

SHADOW: I am here with no invitation at all. In fact I intend to rob this house.

RABBIT: SO this is the job you wouldn’t tell us about.

SHADOW: Exactly. Now what are you doing here?

RABBIT: I am thinking of going into politics.

SHADOW: Rabbit!

RABBIT: I’ve got a job as an alderman. Sixth Ward.

SHADOW: Alderman?

RABBIT: That’s straight goods. I’ve always been fond of politics and now, why I’ve got some prominent capitalists backing me and —

(Shrugs his shoulders.)
The father of my chief backer owns this house and I’m spending the night with him.

SHADOW: IS he crazy?

RABBIT: NO.