Concealed Affliction (28 page)

I turn around and look at Jimmy, still standing where I left him.

“Not such a bad idea to have some help.”

I stare incredulously at him, my fingers wrapped around the handle of my truck.

“You want help with something Jimmy? Make friends with him. I don’t want help. I’m done with people dying around here. I told Ryder that but he’s to goddamn stupid to listen. I’m leaving, so if you want a ride I suggest you get your ass in the truck.”

I see Maverick on his phone, typing something. He’s not put out by my attitude. I guess he was right when he said they warned him about me.

I start the BMW and roll down the window, suddenly hot from anger. How dare he? I swear that man thinks he walks on fucking water and can stick his nose wherever it doesn’t damn well belong without any consequences. I look out the windshield and watch Jimmy share a few words with Maverick. He doesn’t stay long before he moves to the passenger side of the vehicle and gets in the truck.

He turns in his seat to look at me with an emotion I rarely witness.

Anger.

“You know Jayne, I fucking love you. Along with a pile of other people. Where you may think this vigilante act is protecting people, you’re wrong! Let me ask you something; would you take a bullet for me? For Laura?

“If I was in pain or danger, would you do anything in your power to fucking help me? If Laura was in danger and you could give your life for hers, would you do it?”

“Yes! Of course I would!”

For the first time in his life, he raises his voice to me.

“THEN QUIT BEING SO GODDAMN STUBBORN!”

He slams his fist down on the dash of the truck, not caring that it caused the light on the heater switch to go out. His breathing is heavy. I don’t think in the many years I’ve known him that I’ve seen him so pissed off.

“You’re so fucking selfless, Jay! With everyone you know. You’d do anything, for anybody! Yet when anyone has ever tried to give you even a lick of help, you shut that shit down!  Do you think that little of us? That we wouldn’t do the same for you? PULL YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!”

Jimmy has never had a temper, so to say I’m surprised at his outburst would be a huge understatement. I don’t know what to say, or what to do. I do the only thing I can which is pass him my pack of smokes out of the cup holder and hope to hell the nicotine will make him feel better. I know my words won’t.

He doesn’t acknowledge me when I pass him the smokes. He doesn’t look at me at all. I would say it hurts, but I know he needs a minute. I pull one out for myself and light it up, ignoring the burning of tears behind my eyes. I momentarily forgot about the commando lurking around until I notice the phone thrust through the open window of my truck.

I look up into pale grey eyes, somewhat remorseful. I now know he heard everything that went on between Jimmy and I. I also know he probably isn’t fond of his job at the moment. I grab the phone, assuming it must be Cabe with more info, or him calling to ask about the info I found.

“Yes?”

I answer wearily.

“I agree with your guy, about letting people help you.”

Ryder’s voice forces me to close my eyes. Can’t there be one day of peace? One where I don’t have to second guess myself or the people around me? One where I just don’t have any surprises lurking around the next corner. Something in the back of my head says I would hate that, and my life would become too boring.

“Sounds like it. Being as I have a bodyguard even though I specifically said I didn’t want one.”

He huffs on the other end of line, obviously fed up with my shit. I’m fed up with him too, but I’m too goddamn tired to argue at the moment.

“Deal with it, because he’s not going anywhere. You made it into the office first. Cabe called you before he talked to Maverick; he didn’t expect you to go all Mata Hari and try to dig this information up on your own, although it doesn’t surprise me.

“Anyway, if you could let me know what you found, Cabe can get on it.”

I look over at my friend, fuming in the passenger seat. He’s too good to me and I know he means well. I just can’t stand the thought of anything happening to him.

“I’ll have Jimmy send you the photos of the file. It was signed off by Shawn Flynn.”

Remembering what I wanted to do in the first place, I reach forward to open up the GPS application and set Maverick’s phone to speaker on the dash. I access the GPS function on the dash and a big triangle with a warning comes up, informing me of the GPS malfunction.

“Dude, you broke my GPS.”

Jimmy’s eyes finally meet mine, not at all remorseful.

“The stubborn bitch routine finally got on my last nerve, Jay.”

He passes me his iPhone and I commence the search on that.

“Ryder?”

“Still here, babe.”

I ignore the endearment and power on.

“Pine Point. That’s where the property is located. It says it’s over and hour east of here, closer to where I came from. The country roads obviously make the drive longer than it looks on the map.”

“Don’t go there, Elle.”

I heave out a sigh in annoyance.

“I’m not an idiot, Ryder. But thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“For fuck’s sake, Elle. You know that’s not what I meant. You heard your friend, people care about you. I fucking care about you! If you think you have more experience than a bunch of us frogs who practically killed for a living, you’re wrong. I hate to say this to you beautiful, but set your pride aside and do as you’re fucking told for once! I’m a reasonable man, but don’t think for one second I won’t give Maverick orders to lock you in a goddamn room to keep your ass alive!”

Two outbursts, in one day, by two important men in my life. Well, one more important than the other. I don’t get to be shocked at Ryder for long before Jimmy joins in.

“I love you Jay, but so long as you remain the stubborn bitch, I’m going to side with Ryder on this one. I’ve hid you for a few days, fuck I’ll hide you for a month. But I won’t watch you throw what’s left of your life away because you won’t accept any help.”

I hang my head in my hands, closing my eyes and covering my face to hide the tears that threaten me.

It’s too much.

All of it.

I’m tired.

I’m overwhelmed.

I feel defeated.

I feel weak.

Chapter Twenty-six

I don’t remember the drive back home. I didn’t speak to Jimmy and I have no recollection of what time I finally crawled into Jimmy’s bed.

It’s funny, the things that our minds choose to block out. The things we’re no longer able to absorb. Once your mind hits that place, that rock bottom pit in your head where you just feel like everything you once thought made sense has been shot to shit. Well, that’s when you shut down.

I’ve lived a long time now believing down to my bones that my presence is a death wish to those closest to me. Considering the track record of those closest to me, and the graves I’ve visited, it’s a proven fact. 

Is it so wrong to want to keep them out of it?

Am I wrong to ignore my friend’s help?

I know I need it. It would be impossible to be where I am now without the help of people like Cabe, Jimmy and Ryder. I know this and I’m immensely grateful for them. I basically kept them on the outside though. They’ve been giving me information and hiding me when needed, but ultimately I’ve tried ensuring they’ve kept their distance from where the real threats are, not wanting to put them directly in harm’s way.

I guess I hoped only communicating mostly by phone calls, and the odd pow wow with a few of them, that I would be able to keep their involvement a secret. Surely wherever Shawn is, he has not figured out I’ve had any help in getting me to where I am today. Obviously he doesn’t even know that I’m here. If he did I wouldn’t be spending my entire day moping in Jimmy’s bed, thinking about how I got to where I am.

Jimmy is a straight shooter, much like myself. Surprisingly he has been quiet since he lost his shit on me last night. I deserved it, I know I did. I also know how much he loves me because it takes a lot of bombs to be dropped on him before he finally blows up.

It’s at a time like this that I wish for Laura. I know I can’t call her yet, regardless of how much I want to. So I’m at a stalemate.

I haven’t heard any more about the cabin in Pine Point. I figure if there was any important information, it would’ve been shared with me. I left my phone on the island in the kitchen, knowing that Jimmy will answer it if it rings.

He’s been down in the shop painting. I know it’s his own form of therapy. Plus it’s his work and I’m sure he has a lot to catch up on since I’ve taken up his time. I don’t mind that he’s not up here to console me. I managed to shower and to throw on some comfortable clothing since I slept in what I wore last night.

Aside from the shower and a bathroom break, I’ve spent the majority of my time in bed. I’m sure it must be pushing close to dinner, however I have no desire to eat, and even less to get out of bed.

Is this depression?

Maybe my months of nightmares and lack of sleep have finally caught up with me. Maybe my heart isn’t as cold as I thought, and the rants from both Jimmy and Ryder have begun to thaw that chill, enough that I worry about dying and not being able to spend more time with them. Well, more Jimmy than Ryder. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust someone like him again. It doesn’t mean I don’t still hold a candle for him. Not for us to get back together, more like the way you still think about a first love, the first person to make you
feel
something.

That’s what Ryder did, and although I should be somewhat thankful for experiencing something like that, I remind myself not all stories come with a happy ending.

It was, it happened, it’s over.

The sound of the door to Jimmy’s apartment closing pulls me out of my pity party before I hear the subtle knock on the bedroom door.

Jimmy doesn’t knock, ever
.

I don’t lift my head from the pillow, but I do reach my hand underneath it, just in case. I’m not left in the dark staring at the wall very long before the deep voice washes over me.

“Need your ass kicked?”

I manage a small tip of my lips before rolling on my back. Denny stands in the doorway, arms braced on the frame. I would say I’m surprised at him being here, but I’m not. I never expected Ryder to back down after I told him on Maverick’s phone that I didn’t want a bodyguard. Although why I have two now is beyond me. Deciding the only way I’m going to get those answers is to ask, I sit up and make myself a little more alert than the zombie I’ve resembled all day.

“I might, Denny Black. Is that what you’re here for? Some ass kicking?”

He manages a chuckle before he pushes off the doorway. He takes a seat at the end of the bed that no longer smells like hookers and cigarettes since I changed the sheets yesterday.

“Can if you want me to girl, but no, that’s not why I’m here.”

I make a motion for him to carry on and elaborate. He blows out a long breath and pulls his longer hair away from his face.

“I can’t tell you everything yet, Elle. That’s Ryder’s story. However what I can tell you is that you do need my help, and that’s what I’m here for.”

I open up my mouth to both question him further and reject but he holds up a hand, telling me to stop before I cut him off.

“You’ll get all the answers soon. I promise you that. But right now we need to focus on other shit. First off is the cabin in the bush bought by ANIG. Did you talk to Cabe today?”

I shake my head no.

“Maverick went there at dawn. No sign of life around and no fresh tracks on the soil around the small shack. However, there was food in the freezer and the heat was left on long enough that somebody must be staying there. Maverick figures it’s been about a week since someone was there, but he’s keeping an eye on it until they come back.”

“Did he find anything personal in the cabin? Anything linking it to Shawn or Andrew?”

Sadly, Denny shakes his head.

“Nothing. A few receipts for groceries, but those were paid in cash. There’s only men's clothing in the closet. Nothing of value, sorry Elle. But Mav is sitting on it. If someone goes back there, we’ll know.”

I nod my head, grateful at the moment for the help.

“Were there any other cabins in the area?  The image on the survey map looked like it was pretty secluded.”

“No other cabins. Maverick stashed his truck and hiked in through the bush.”

“Jesus Denny, what if nobody comes for days? Where’s he going to sleep? What if something happens to him and we can’t get ahold of him to know if he’s okay?”

Two strong hands reach out and grab onto my shoulders.

“Elle, he’s done this shit before. He’s staying at the cabin. Knowing him he’s probably laid back on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table and his gun in his lap. And he has a sat phone, so we’ll know if anything happens to him.”

This all seems like so much. Why is it so hard to find a twin for shit’s sake? I don’t get it. And after all we figured out, how can he not be at the cabin? I feel like we’ve solved a million mysteries, only to be left empty handed.

“Jimmy seems like a good guy.”

Denny’s comment about my awesome friend pulls me out of my head.

“Yes, he is. How did you get him to let you in?”

“Ryder tried you on your burner, but Jimmy answered. Told him that I was coming in. I was already parked outside when he called so I guess Jimmy really didn’t get a chance to give you a heads up.”

“I haven’t seen him much today. He needs his space when he’s like this, paint and ink keep him sane.”

“He’s talented. He didn’t talk much. He was in the middle of painting one of the Harleys down there and seemed to be in the zone, so I asked him where you were and he pointed toward the steps.”

As much as I feel bad for sending Jimmy into the zone, and not exactly for a good reason, I’m glad he has something to concentrate on as opposed to worrying about me.

“Jimmy is the most talented man I know. Wait ‘til you see the tattoos he has done. He’s not just another pretty face.”

I joke, shoving Denny’s arm. Letting him know he too is much more than his Viking god status. I know he’s a very good person at heart, and very intelligent.

“So, how long are you here for and where are you staying?”

Denny doesn’t get a chance to answer as Jimmy comes into the bedroom.

“He’s staying here, Jay. I’m heading out for a while, for the night.”

I get out of bed and walk over to Jimmy, putting my arms behind his back and pulling him in close. I love him so much, and the last thing I want to do is to make him not want to be around me because of my stubbornness. I’d rather be the one to distance myself from him.

“Don’t leave your own place because of me Jimmy. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for you to leave your own home because either you’re pissed off at me or you’re afraid of getting hurt. If that’s the case, I’ll be the one to leave.”

Mid rant Jimmy’s arms come up around my shoulders to return the embrace and he places a kiss on the top of my head.

“Not leaving because I’m worried about getting hurt, Jay. The only time you hurt me is when you refuse my help and everyone else’s. Like I said last night, put your stubborn shit aside and let people help you.”

I shake my head against his chest. “I know, Jimmy. It’s just easier said than done. But I don’t want to drive you away.”

He pulls back so he can look at me. I take in the paint smear on his forehead and the crease of frustration between his brows.

“You’re not driving me away. I love you, Jay. You know that. However I haven’t got laid in five days and I need a break. You stay here with Denny, I’m going to crash at Randi’s after I tie one on at Frank’s.”

“I thought you were done with Randi?”

“I am and she knows it, but that doesn’t mean she won’t open up her legs again.”

A deep chuckle comes from Denny and I return Jimmy’s earlier scowl.

“Isn’t that a little rude?”

“No, and if it feels that way I’ll go home with someone else.”

Well, he’s nothing if not honest.

“Alright. I love you, and be safe.”

He gives me one last peck on the head before grabbing a change of clothes and heading downstairs. Jimmy has a shower in his paint shop that he uses when he’s especially filthy.

Chapter Twenty-seven

“So, did you drive up here, or fly up?” I ask Denny, while reheating some of the stew I made a few days ago. I still don’t have much of an appetite, but that doesn’t mean he’s not hungry.

“I flew to Buffalo then rented a Suburban to finish the trip.”

I push the hearty bowl of stew across the counter to Denny and make a small bowl for myself, hoping to get a little bit of food into me. We eat in companionable silence for a few moments before I get the courage to ask the question that has been plaguing my mind ever since Denny showed up. Or maybe even since I saw Maverick.

“Is he coming here, Denny?”

My voice is barely loud enough to hear for my own ears, but I know he heard me because he put his spoon down and rests his elbows on the island in front of him. Denny’s intense blue eyes stare back at me, almost apologetic before he responds.

“I don’t think there’s much you can do to keep him away. He’s not here yet, but I expect him to be soon.”

I solemnly nod my head. Not wanting to see him, but still wondering why he would personally put so much effort into me. Maybe it’s guilt? Guilt for fucking up. Guilt for fucking Claudia, and guilt for not having the balls to give it to me straight. I try not to dwell on it too much and hope I don’t have to interact with him when he gets here.

“I appreciate the help Denny, I do. As much as it may not seem like it. You’ve already gathered why I don’t want people near me when all of this comes to a head. I just don’t want to see anyone else get hurt at my expense. That being said I still don’t want any personal contact with Ryder if I can prevent it. Call it childish, call it whatever you want. I’ve just had enough shit to deal with on my plate and I don’t need to add any more to it.”