Confessions of a Fairy's Daughter (20 page)

But, dear, dear Joe, how strange life is in all its unfoldings! Can we believe it is unfolding as it should? I look back now and understand more clearly why it is we have always had a special kind of bond and how it is we have always been able to be quickly in tune with each other, even after gaps of years. In my intuitive way I
knew
this about you before you were married; but I never thought you were dishonest in marrying (which Sarah now accuses me of being), for exceptional people (and I think you and Anne
are
exceptional) can sometimes cope
and make such a marriage successful. Yet I wondered. And I wondered for years about you, and I wondered while I was talking to you the other day. Still, I think you were right
NOT
to mention it then. That was
my
moment. Now is
your
moment.

Of course I have no advice for you. If you are in such a group as you are in in Toronto, that is probably help enough. Yet I may have some special insights since I've been through so much myself and because I know you
and
Anne.
^*

I would assume that you and Anne could work out a
modus vivendi
in a way Sarah and I cannot, and I say that because Anne has long had an interior quality which sustains her (or seems to) apart from you. She is thus
her own person
and may, because of it, be able to come to terms with you. If you honestly try to recognize the quality of yourself and come to terms with that, then I believe you are (one is) in a better position to come to terms with others.…

When it comes down to it, I probably don't know Anne all that well. Our relationship has been a surface one of fun …. but I suspect she doesn't need you to be herself a secure person in her own right. If you want a
modus vivendi
, you have, therefore, a good chance to work on something from such a base. You might just think about that.

I told Sarah before we were married, but I suppose I thought I was “over it,” and she has a view that all of
this is a lot of immoral (not to mention “illegal” when you're married) nonsense; and all a man needs is good old heterosexual sex enough times to make him see the light. Of course it doesn't work that way. But her greater
knowledge
of me, over the last 10 years, has not brought with it a greater
understanding
of me, and that is the sad thing. With you, it might work differently.

But do you want to stay married? With a wife's understanding (and it takes an unusual woman) it
can
work as an extra dimension
within
a marriage and not just a rigid alternative to it. It seems to me there is some chance that Anne might see it this way.

I did not mean to get onto yet another page. You will tire of all my words. But how I wish I could see you! There is no chance before Christmas (unless you are in New York between Dec. 15th and 21st), but I shall look for an excuse early next year to visit Toronto. In the meantime, please write again and feel free to discuss anything you like with me, knowing there's a fair chance I will understand.

But you intrigue me! Whom did you meet last weekend in Toronto? Someone I know? Not Robertson Davies, I hope. The social fabric really would crumble.…

Write again soon. I think of you.

    Love, A

Dear Arthur,

Thanks very much for your warm, understanding and very perceptive letter, which I received today. I think you are right about Anne and it could very well be that because we have never been completely dependent on each other, we could incorporate this new dimension. She
does
have self-reliance and an inner toughness that allow her to be her own person. On the other hand, I would dread bearing the brunt of that toughness!

Who is my friend? It's all quite extraordinary, as he himself said. It was one of those classic encounters—we exchanged first names, where we were from. We had such great fun and lovely banter—not the usual sort of “serious business.” Then later (much later) in the evening, I suddenly thought—I know that face—Richard? Stratford? “Your last name wouldn't be Monette, by any chance?”
^*
The embarrassing thing is that I have never seen him in anything, though as I said at the time, I would bet he hadn't read any of my political articles either!

We had another marvellous time together on Friday—dinner, chamber music concert (he confesses
not to know much about music but is very receptive), a few drinks, etc. Once again, such fun. However, he is concerned that my marital status makes it impossible for us to carry on. He is afraid of the complexities and wants a lover who can live with him in Stratford and obviously I can't fill that bill.

I felt very sad afterwards because it seemed we had really clicked. We left agreeing that we could both do some thinking and meet again, at least to talk. Your doubts about whether the world is unfolding as it should are so well founded! I told Richard I was not surprised by what he said, that it would be so much easier if he had turned out to be a lawyer or a high school teacher in Peterborough. I would suspect that he is headed for even bigger things and I can understand that with his life he needs a personal anchor. The mind boggles at the possible complexities, but I hate to see the whole thing drop!

I didn't feel that our relationship had to be a deep, dark secret. In fact, I told Anne that I was seeing Richard for the evening and would be staying overnight with him. I guess his portrayal of Hosanna
^*
gave him a certain notoriety (though he has had some important “straight” roles at Stratford since then), but what the hell if people want to draw conclusions. I am not prepared to eat crow—even though the circumstances
are
indeed what they might appear! We did talk vaguely about him
spending a short time at Trent as an artist-in-residence before rehearsals begin at Stratford and about the possibility of spending part of my sabbatical together—but the latter is, at this stage, of course, premature.

I have felt very sad about this and it is great to be able to talk about it in a letter, even though I am sure you have no ready answers. Do you in fact know Richard? He is terribly nice and not the sort of bizarre type one might have expected.

Dear Richard,

I was very saddened by our talk just before we parted on Friday night. I can quite understand your assessment that our continued involvement would probably be complex and difficult and not really what either of us would see as ideal. As I told you, I have had a number of very close male friendships—most of whom are still close friends even though of necessity we may not see each other for months or years at a time—but without a sexual consummation (which I now admit I would have liked).

When, a short time ago, I accepted and began to act on my being gay, the opposite was presented—lots of sex but all one-night stands. While mostly lots of fun at the time, I have increasingly felt that I didn't want to go on indefinitely in that routine. That is why I enjoyed meeting you so very much. Not only was our sex sensational (for me, anyway), but I really enjoyed our little banter and our chat afterwards. You were so much fun to be with and here at last was someone whom I had much in common with. For me, that was all delightfully confirmed on Friday.

I think there are also several things I should make clear about my situation here. First of all, I accept as inevitable that people are going to at least
suspect
that I am gay. I would
rather
have that than attempt to keep it
all a closely guarded secret. I do know that for some, it wouldn't be such a great surprise in any case. I would prefer to avoid dramatic revelations (who the hell makes a great point of declaring themselves heterosexual?!), but to let it gradually become apparent—and I include my family in that. Perhaps I made too big a thing out of telling you, before we saw my Peterborough friends at the concert, that I have a “straight” life in Peterborough. It was just that I wanted to avoid
you
being taken by surprise. (I guess I assumed that you hadn't remembered
anything
I'd told you the first time we met—very rude of me!)

I had made a point of telling my wife that I was going to the concert with you and would be staying overnight with you, though obviously I was no more explicit than that. How much she is aware of I just don't know though I would have thought that, if anything, my sexual performance at home ought to have aroused suspicions. In the end I don't know whether she will be prepared to accept a gay husband (I have been amazed to find out that some do).

On the other hand, I don't want to be a Dr. Jekyll in Toronto and Mr. Hyde in Peterborough (or is it vice versa?!) into the distant future and I am quite prepared to face the consequences—though it shouldn't be said that I look forward to it.

So where does that leave us? I would hate to think that just as we were getting to know each other, the whole thing was over—fine. I guess I understand your
wanting a lover who can live with you in Stratford and, ideally, I guess that is what I would want too—though in your case it's a lot bloody more likely!

This is all so new to me and there may very well be other reasons why you wouldn't want our relationship to develop. That I can accept, albeit with reluctance. What would be most sad would be to think that the relationship was being snuffed out because of the practical problems—admittedly they are very real. Where is your sense of adventure?—to be just a bit facetious. And don't forget what I said, just before we said good night on Friday. I do have a whole year off starting this summer.

8.12.78

Dot, Karen
^*
and I got together for our annual mutual Christmas present—dinner and show at Second City. After we got back to the hotel, I excused myself ostensibly to get something to eat, but really to attempt expunging Richard from my memory. I headed straight for Mutual Street and, after several miscues, met Steve, a bearded twenty-two-year-old. Up in the attic again, the diversion was great, though can I ever forget Richard? Several days later, I was shocked and angered to learn that another bathhouse was raided at precisely the same time I was at Mutual Street—what a close call.

16.12.78

With the prospect of a long Christmas vacation ahead of me, I seized one last chance to run off to Toronto, ostensibly to do some Christmas shopping, but also to see the San Francisco Gay Collective do the show
Crimes Against Nature
. All the characters struck me as being very caricatured—the thing the gay movement always complains about and not nearly as moving as the film
Word Is Out
.

6.1.79

Christmas with the Soanes and Neufelds
^†
and New Year's
with the Cranes, Hennigers and Aykroyds
^*
are happy occasions, but I cannot help wondering what the circumstances will be a year from now.

I go through a period of feeling very lonely and frightened about the future and I decide I have to make contact with someone in Peterborough. I decide on Lee Beach as an old friend, even though I haven't seen much of him recently. Getting up the nerve to make a move is comical. I circle round and round Traill College on my bicycle, I go into Traill, walk by Lee's office and, to my terror, find him in. But I walk right by his office, get on my bicycle and ride off. Enough of this nonsense, I know I want to make a move, so back I go.

I arrange to come to Lee's apartment the beginning of the next week. As I go to see him, deciding on my opening words is difficult. I conclude that I cannot start off by asking him if he is gay, I have got to tell him, however briefly, what has happened to me before I have a right to ask him anything. That is in fact what happens before I blurt out—you and Gus
are
a gay couple, aren't you.

Lee laughs—I'm sure that's what everyone at the university thinks, Gus and I are both gay, but we are just good friends. In fact, Gus is disgusted that anyone could think he was sexually attracted to someone skinny like me! Lee and I have a good chat—he tells me he had not “come out” until he was 38 (I was astonished) and how his first soured love affair had sent him to a psychiatrist. However, he can't really give
me any advice on the question—how does a gay man survive in Peterborough without constantly running off to Toronto?

27.1.79

I am alternately depressed and sanguine about my situation—my moods being influenced by the ups and downs of my affairs—and lack of them.… Should I tell Anne and get it over with, no matter what happens? Back in August, I told Michael Lynch that I was basically very happy in my heterosexual world—now I wouldn't say that.…