Confessions of a Serial Alibi (4 page)

CHAPTER TWO

‘99 TO ‘00

It’s ironic that schoolteachers and parents today focus so much on teaching youth about Internet privacy and how easily videos, pictures and words can go viral. I say this because back then, there wasn’t widespread Internet activity and connectivity like today, and yet my little old high school “jail letters” have definitely been made a thing of viral Internet proportions. If only I had known that millions of people would be reading those letters and combing them for evidence of my intentions and character; I probably would have never written them to begin with. Hindsight is indeed twenty-twenty! Such is life, I suppose. You live and you learn. It wasn’t until the adults got involved and began meddling with people’s words and actions that things got overly complicated. I guess that’s the nature of our criminal justice system. Sad thing is, things got so twisted around and neglected that I don’t know if we will ever completely know what happened to Hae.

A lot of people have been perplexed by my letters to Adnan back in 1999. When did I write them and why do I mention certain things in the letters? In my defense, I was a teenager and I thought the letters were a lot better than they actually were (and read now). Many people have called into question why I didn’t state a specific time in my letters. Why was I so friendly in my letters if I didn’t know Adnan? Did I have a crush on Adnan and was I offering to lie for him? Before I address these questions, let me just say this...

I was seventeen, people, geez! None of us were as cunning as you make us out to be. I think many people really have lost sight of the fact that back in 1999 we were all kids. We were all a lot dumber than we realized. Many of the things that I did and wrote were idiotic and many of the things that my schoolmates and I did and said are just plain stupid and nonsensical. None of us knew anything about the real world, let alone what to do when faced with such a heavy situation. Many people online have come down on us all so hard, and I think that’s not only extremely harsh but also very hypocritical. Let me ask you something. What were you and your friends doing at seventeen? Did you ever do anything that you weren’t supposed to be doing? I venture to say, yes, you did. Now imagine that everyone in the world was to find out about your intimate thoughts and conversations back then. Imagine your daily activities and your very words combed over and analyzed time and time again. Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, my friend. Ya dig? The thing that I find funniest and most ironic was how complex everyone made us out to be. Jay has become this ultimate criminal mastermind; Adnan led this split personality double life. I’ve heard everything from Hae being an undercover drug dealer with Jay to me inserting myself into this case for affection from Adnan. At the end of the day, I don’t believe anything that we did, said or wrote was that complex and I feel sorry for any adult who thinks that it is. Our teenage life was not a real life reproduction of
Jawbreaker
or
Cruel Intentions
. In relation to my own involvement in this story, everything that I did and wrote was pretty simple when viewed through the lens of a naïve and short-sighted seventeen-year-old girl.

Here’s the funny thing about being young: you think you know things that your mind just can’t even fully comprehend yet. You have involvement in scenarios with potential consequences that aren’t even on your radar yet. That’s pretty much how I sum up my “jail letters” to Adnan. At the time, I thought I had a pretty strong grasp on the conveyed intent within my letters. At the time, I thought they conveyed a sense of helpfulness associated with the cautiousness of a potential witness. I gambled that kindness would get me further in relation to getting real case details and maybe, just maybe, if I came off a little friendly that I’d be given more information about what was going on behind the scenes. Perhaps I could more quickly come to learn what I was volunteering to get involved in. I assumed that if my claims were found to be helpful, then everything would shake out appropriately. I didn’t realize that at the time, I was being a young idealistic fool. I didn’t know about Cristina Gutierrez’s health struggles. Looking back over sixteen years later, I am faced with the evidence that I didn’t know shit, that in fact that some people now see my letters as suspiciously vague instead of hesitant. That people now see me as being oddly friendly and overly lighthearted about a really serious situation. In my defense, I have no defense. It is what it was. I was young and not very experienced with death or incarceration correspondence (still am not, thank the Lord). Most of my life I have never had much hesitancy about expressing my thoughts or asking questions. My mother always told me, “You never know unless you ask.” So to me, at that moment in time, I didn’t understand the futile nature of asking Adnan to dish out case details. Of course I know now that it was an utter and complete waste of time. Especially considering that I was never even questioned by anyone.

Before I describe my letters I must first explain the context in which they were written. I don’t remember the specific moment that I realized my library conversation with Adnan was the same day that Hae went missing. I remember hearing that Hae’s body had been found in a shallow grave. I recall being disgusted, saddened and shocked along with many of my fellow students. I remember pondering the laziness of her murderer because they couldn’t even bother to dig her a proper grave. I remember that for some reason the image of Hae’s foot sticking out the ground came to mind—an image that even haunts me today whenever I hear the words “shallow grave” in any context. It wasn’t until days after the post-conviction hearing in 2016 that I realized I wasn’t alone in having that specific imagery. Many of my Woodlawn magnet friends also share it. It’s now my belief that this information must have been one of many rumors swirling around the school at the time Hae’s body was discovered.

Upon recently re-listening to the SERIAL podcast (for the second time), I even heard “Mr. S” allude to seeing Hae’s foot sticking out of the ground. My best assumption is that this gory detail must have been one of many leaked police sound bites from their student interviews. Either that or someone’s overactive imagination just happened to be spot on. When it was discovered that Hae was dead, the entire student body was told to come forward if we had any information that might be helpful. Everyone racked their brains in an effort to recall their last Hae sightings and conversations with her. There wasn’t a very high Asian population at Woodlawn, so Hae stood out. Even people who didn’t know her were trying to remember seeing her. In this same regard I was no different. However, I could not recall the last time that I had actually seen Hae—only that she had recently been on my mind. After Adnan’s arrest, I once again found myself shocked and left wondering about the last time I had seen or spoken to both Hae and Adnan. This was when I remembered having seen and spoken to Adnan on January 13th. Then I recalled that Adnan and I had spoken about Hae that same day. Like Hae’s death, the news of Adnan’s arrest was all over the high school.

As if the shock of Hae’s death wasn’t horrible enough, we were faced with the reality that someone that had co-mingled within our company for years was being accused and was possibly responsible for her murder. Naturally there were those who dismissed the possibility, as well as those who thought it was true. Most people that I encountered were either in a state of disbelief or were simply just unsure. I can remember that everyone, students and teachers alike, were pining for more arrest details to come available. This of course only made the rumors swell. By all accounts it was a pretty unproductive few days for everyone. I, too, spent the majority of my school time speculating theories and crowdsourcing opinions and rumors from other students and teachers. After recalling the memory of Adnan in the library, I don’t recall if I volunteered that information to anyone at school. Well, not anyone other than Justin Adger and Mr. Parker (my Spanish teacher). I have pictures of the students in Mr. Parker’s class and Justin is in them. Perhaps I told both of them at the same time? I don’t know for sure. I wasn’t the type to interject myself into the high school rumor mill. Especially when it involved something as negative as a murder. I do remember feeling unimportant to the case in the days that followed. The police were already starting to interview students and I was never approached. As you can imagine, this only added to my theory that perhaps the library conversation was of no value. I assumed that between the police interviews, visiting Adnan’s family and writing Adnan letters in jail, that my fifteen to twenty minutes spent with Adnan were inconsequential. I wish that I could remember more about those days, but unfortunately my memory has only prevailed so well. I can tell you this much: it was a very disturbing and surreal time for us all.

After Adnan’s arrest, I can’t say that I was certain that he was capable of murder; however, I assumed that something was going on because he had not been readily released. I wasn’t privy to any hard facts, but it was clear the South Asian Muslim and Korean Buddhist communities were pitted against one another from the very start. I soon found myself having a lot of hesitations about speaking up. For one, I didn’t know anything about the police’s evidence or when they suspected Hae was murdered, so I had no idea if my information would even be relevant. When I think back initially my encounter with Adnan simply seemed creepy more than anything. I remember thinking, “I can’t believe I actually talked to Adnan on the same day Hae went missing.” It wasn’t until I told this to Justin that it was even highlighted as a possibly important coincidence. Justin recommended that I tell Adnan’s family. I initially had my doubts but eventually I agreed that it could be important. Justin had already made plans to visit the Syed family to show support. He asked if I wanted to come with him, so I made plans for him to pick me up and take me to meet Adnan’s family. Upon arrival at the Syed home, I was instantly impressed by the sense of community and faith at that house. Everyone was either praying or comforting someone. I was raised Christian, so their strong connection to God in their moment of need was highly impressive. So impressive that I knew I had to speak up and tell the family what I knew. Adnan had just been arrested and emotions were high. As I walked up to the house I remember feeling like one does when approaching a gathering for a funeral wake.

One thing that I will never forget is the level of sorrow in that house. It felt as if someone in their family and/or community had died. I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect to be so well-welcomed during such an awful time for them, but even prior to my admission, my presence was highly appreciated. They offered me refreshments (soda and cake) and thanked me for what they perceived as a visit to show my support for Adnan. Imagine my state of mind, knowing what I was there to tell them and not knowing if it was even helpful. I remember that they were very grateful for the information because as they had put it, Adnan was having trouble recalling all his actions on January 13th, specifically his activities between school letting out at 2:15 PM and attending his mosque around 8 PM. At the time, I don’t think anyone thought that my statement was describing a “murder alibi” for Adnan. I didn’t leave feeling like a murder alibi, only that I had helped account or fifteen to twenty minutes of his afternoon. I was just a kid who had given my little part to whittle down that six-hour window. Some people question loyalties, particularly mine, but throughout this whole ordeal, the thought of loyalty to Adnan never even crossed my mind. I never imagined that I would be pegged as part of conspiracy to get Adnan out of jail because I never imagined that what I had to say was even important. After all, until the next day I hadn’t encountered anyone who seriously thought that Adnan had committed the murder. I think everyone was still convinced that Adnan’s arrest was a mistake and that he would soon be coming home. It was just a matter of closing that remaining window of time, and the police would realize that they had the wrong guy. That’s what we all thought at that time.

When I got home later that night, I was filled with such positivity about what I had done. Going to Adnan’s house was, again, pretty scary in the sense that I didn’t know what to expect. I was relieved that they had been so nice and that the experience was over. I had done my little part and it was presumably done. Everything happened so fast, and my mind had been blown so wide open from the shock of it all. My first thought upon returning home that night was to write Adnan a letter to let him know that I had remembered our time together. I didn’t know if what I had to say was important, so I didn’t know if anyone from the family would tell Adnan. My thought was that if he was having trouble remembering details from his afternoon, then my letter might jog his memory about what he did after I saw him in the library (i.e. if he stayed in the library longer, or ran into another person he knew while there).

I knew Adnan was by all accounts a good kid. At the time, I didn’t even know that he was smoking weed in high school. I was also surprised when Adnan tried out for and made the football team (senior year) because I never pegged him as someone that would even have interest in playing football (let alone being good enough to make the team). The thought of him being in jail seemed rough and I knew that I would have been terrified had it been me, so to some degree I wanted to comfort him as well. I was definitely still under the assumption that his arrest was a mistake, but I wasn’t 100 percent certain.

As I began to write the letter I realized that I didn’t know anything about his arrest. I realized just how unsure I was of Adnan’s innocence. All I had was my own wishy-washy suspicions and Justin’s faith in his friend. In my heart I wanted to think that Adnan was innocent, but in my head I just wasn’t sure. Looking back, this was the first time I tried to push the negative possibilities out of my head in order to be neutral in my pursuit of the truth. Some people think my letter language doesn’t convey those same sentiments as much as I originally intended, but again, I was only seventeen and not as experienced with writing as I am now. In any case, let’s revisit my first letter dated March 1st, 1999, and I will attempt to explain as best I can.