Confessions of a Serial Alibi (5 page)

My First Letter: 3/1/1999

it’s late

March 1, 1999

I just came from your house an hour ago.

Dear Adnon (I hope I spelled it right).
[I didn’t even know how to spell his name correctly!]

I know that you cant
[have]
visitors
[I was assuming he couldn’t have visitors],
so I decided to write you a letter. I’m not sure if you remember talking to me in the library on January 13, but I remember chatting with you.
[attempting to refresh his memory in the event he forgot]
Throughout your actions that day
[how nicely he spoke about Hae]
I have reason to believe in your innocence.
[referring to his candor at the library when discussing the breakup and because Justin vouched for his character]
I went to your family’s house and discussed your “calm” manner towards them.
[His family was shocked by the arrest; I told them about my conversation with Adnan and that he seemed calm on January 13th]
also called the Woodlawn Public Library and found out that they have a surveillance system inside the building.
[Called the library, the person answering the phone confirmed the presence of security cameras]
Depending on the amount of time you spend in the library that afternoon, it might help your defense.
[Perhaps he stayed at the library longer; maybe he spoke to someone else that could account for more time]
I really would appreciate it if you contact me between 1:00pm - 4pm or 8:45pm -->until... My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.
[best time to reach me, most days]

More importantly I’m trying to reach your lawyer, to schedule a possible meeting with the three of us.
[It was Sunday, so not possible—good intentions or short attention span at most; never happened]
We aren’t really close friends, but I want you to look me into my eyes and tell me of your innocence.
[I was having trouble reconciling our library conversation with the thought of Adnan being a murderer. I was dumb enough to think that perhaps if he told me he was innocent to my face, I could read him for guilt or innocence.]
If I ever find out otherwise, I will hunt you down and whip your ass, okay friend
[trying to lighten the fact that I just threated to potentially whip his ass]
I hope you’re not guilty and I hope to God that you have nothing to do with it
[being unsure]
.
If so I will try my best to help you account for some
[Some, not all! Only 15-20 minutes!]
of your own unwitnessed unaccountable time (2:15-8pm Jan 13th).
[Being overly descriptive. I was not trying to be vague about the amount of time I was willing to vouch for]
The police have not been notified yet to my knowledge.
[Hadn’t spoken to the police as of that night, but I was considering it. I eventually attempted to call them but chickened out after dialing the phone number. As a teenager, the general consensus was that Baltimore copes were not to be trusted so I didn’t know if going to them first was the best thing to do.]
Maybe it will give your side of the story a particular head start
[Alluding to his possible innocence and hoping this information leads to other helpful memories/information]
I hope that you appreciate this, seeing as though I would like to stay out of this whole thing
[being honest]
.
Thank Justin, he gave me a little bit more faith in you. Through his friendship and faith. I’ll pray for you and that the “real truth”
[perhaps his arrest is all just a horrible mistake]
comes out in the end. I hope it will set you free
[physically if innocent, mentally if guilty and he confesses]
.

Only trying to help,

Asia McClain

Ps: If necessary my grandparents number is DO NOT call that line after 11:00 OK

Like I told Justin, if you’re innocent I will do my best to help you. But if you’re not only God can help you.

If you weren’t
[were, not weren’t]
in the library for a while, tell the police and I’ll continue to tell what I know even louder than I am.
[Asking if he stayed in the library for some time after I left, to notify police and I will tell the truth about seeing him during the 15-20 minutes that I did]
.

My boyfriend and his best friend remember seeing you there too.
[Before writing the letter I confirmed with Derrick and Jerrod if they remembered seeing Adnan in the library and at the time they did, so I wanted Adnan to know that it wasn’t just me who knew that he was there during that 15-20 minutes]

Your Amiga
[being nice]

Asia McClain

“Look into my eyes and tell me of your innocence” sound pretty lame and cheesy right? I agree; that was my seventeen-year-old attempt to be dramatic. Part of me still feels like that is something that I really still need Adnan to do. I even alluded to that sentiment in my
Good Morning America
interview, after Adnan’s post-conviction hearing in early 2016 (I don’t think they aired that part). Sitting here today, I can still say that I strongly feel like that is something he should do. Being involved in this case has always been uncomfortable to me. Adding all the publicity from the SERIAL podcast and the post-conviction hearing certainly made it much more stressful. The feeling of assisting someone who may very well be a murderer is an unsettling realization that I have come to accept.

The thing that I can’t ever accept is the sorrow associated with being wedged between two families—both seeking justice for their lost children, both hurting and both looking to me to do the right thing. At best, I try to tell myself not to focus on Adnan’s guilt or innocence, rather instead just to do my job as a witness and tell the truth. Regardless of that simplistic approach, it’s often very hard to stay focused and during those times the weight of the situation gets to me (and I break down and cry). Just to be clear, I haven’t seen Adnan (outside of the post-conviction hearing in 2016) since that fortuitous day in the library. Other than maybe speaking with him very briefly when this is all over, I have no desire to ever speak with him again. I have no desire to be his friend and I don’t want to keep in touch. When I recall our library conversation, the memory still haunts me to this day. While in the moment, I truly believed that he was a sweet guy. As I said before, Justin and I parted on similar terms, so perhaps in my heart I wanted to believe that Adnan and Justin shared a similar sense of maturity and kindness. At the time I believed that Adnan cared about Hae and that he simply wanted her to be happy with whomever she chose to be in a relationship with. If Adnan was under emotional duress to the point of being homicidal, I feel like I should have seen it. I know that’s a silly thing to say, but I have a very hard time accepting that he was homicidal during or shortly after we spoke. Clearly I didn’t see anything wrong with him, otherwise I definitely would have told someone. The idea that he was or became homicidal as a result of our conversation scares the crap out of me because it makes me wonder if I am somehow responsible for Hae’s death. I often wonder if I didn’t see evil in him because it wasn’t there or if it was because I was a dumb kid. Perhaps the reason that I didn’t realize something was going on under the surface was because I was too young and naïve. At seventeen, I wasn’t experienced enough with evil people at that point in my life. I’ve always thought I was able to read people, but perhaps not.

Since high school I have had the pleasure of knowing some pretty dysfunctional people. My mom says that I’m a “nut magnet.” She says that I have a beautiful light inside of me that shines and unfortunately like a moth to flame it attracts those living in the darkness. After looking back on my twenties I’d have to say that I agree with my mother. Sometimes I’m amazed that I have managed to come through certain situations so unscathed. I know that I am blessed and that I can only attribute that to my mother’s many prayers and the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. I’ve seen people abuse themselves and abuse others, and yet I have managed to stay clear of many awful situations.

During the times when I have fallen prey to negative situations, it is my belief that God was there to pull me out. It’s also during those times that God showed me “the writing on the wall”; I paid attention to the words and actions around me and I was often alerted to trouble before things got too damaging to recover from. Long story short: I wasn’t as wise as I am now in any regard. Real life murder wasn’t even something that truly existed in my reality at the age of seventeen. Consequently, I do feel like Adnan owes me. He doesn’t owe me money or gratitude; he owes me the truth and I hope one day whether here or in Heaven, I get it.

If you haven’t caught on by now, I have a very active imagination. Over the years I have imagined having this final conversation with Adnan many times, in a variety of ways. In one scenario Adnan gets acquitted and agrees to meet me. We meet at a public park bench and he thanks me for ultimately coming forward and being the person who saved him from a life in prison. He tells me everything that’s happened since his arrest and I am silent in amazement regarding everything that he has endured. Then we both shed tears over Hae’s untimely passing, share a few sentiments and he assures me that he never had anything to do with Hae’s disappearance or her murder. I cry knowing that I have done an awesome thing and for a deserving person. I heave a deep sigh of relief in knowing that an innocent man has been set free in part by me choosing to do the right thing. As we part ways he asks to hug me, and I oblige. Then I see him walk off into the distance arm in arm with members of his family. Now, I know that seems corny and lame to most people, but I would totally cry if I saw that in a movie!

The other scenarios are much darker. These scenarios are reserved solely for my nightmares. In them, sometimes Adnan is acquitted and shows up on my doorstep to seemingly innocently thank me for my help. I’m home alone and he pushes his way inside my home. I run for my weapon of choice, but he’s too fast. A struggle ensues during which not only does he confess to Hae’s murder but casually mentions that I’m next. He climbs on top of my body in an attempt to hold me down. He bangs the back of my head on the floor and as I lay there struggling for my life, he tells me about every horrible detail of Hae’s murder. He wraps his hands around my throat and begins to squeeze. I struggle to fight for my life as I feel myself tiring. It’s at these moments in the nightmare that I usually wake up in a cold sweat. Dreams like these are my primary motivation for self-defense and target practicing. Other dreams and scenarios that I have imagined combine Adnan’s innocence or guilt with him getting out of or staying in jail. Sometimes, I have similar dreams about Jay Wilds.

In one dream, Adnan isn’t acquitted and after many years in prison I receive a call from Justin Brown (his lawyer) saying that Adnan wants to see me. Like that of any other typical jailhouse visitation scene we both sit down at a metal table and chair to talk. He tells me that he asked me here to address something in one of my letters. It’s then that Adnan confesses his guilt to me and thanks me for my participation in his release efforts. Disgusted by what I have just heard, I abruptly stand up and proceed to leave the facility both sickened and ashamed. As I run out, tears running down my face, I grasp my open mouth in complete horror, and Adnan laughs hysterically in a fit of insanity in the background. Now I know these thoughts and nightmares may or may not seem strange for someone in my legal position, however you have to realize that I have had way too much time to stress about this situation. Sixteen plus years is a long time to waver and weigh in on another person’s guilt or innocence. I have over sixteen years of stress, over sixteen years of preponderance and over sixteen years of thoughts built up in my subconscious mind. I don’t know if I will ever actually speak to Adnan again and part of me is fine with that because I’m a little scared to. In January 2015 I did ask my lawyer (Gary Proctor) to ask Justin Brown about the possibility of speaking to Adnan when this was all over. I don’t know if Gary ever relayed my question. Even though I did ask, I’m not even entirely sure that I wouldn’t be too scared and chicken out. One part of me feels like I need that type of closure and part of me feels like I never will, regardless of what Adnan has to say. I don’t think there will ever come a day when I can go to bed at night not wondering if I’ve helped a murderer.

Back in 1999 my family was one of few in our neighborhood to have a home PC. That was back in the days of AOL (dial-up Internet) and I had to share my upstairs phone line with a PC located in the basement. On many occasions I would use that computer to type school assignments among other things. My best guess is that because I wrote my first letter to Adnan so late that night that it was probably too late to gain access to my grandparents’ PC in the basement. In my grandparents’ home, the basement was (and always will be) my grandfather’s man cave. As such, access to it by teenagers was undesirable after a certain time at night because my grandfather would (and still does) fall asleep in his armchair. It only makes sense to me that I would have written the letter by hand in my bedroom if it were indeed very late at night. This also explains why letter number two was typed. As I stated at the post-conviction hearing in 2016, I wrote the rough draft of letter number two over the course of that next school day. Since I neglected to ask a lot of questions in my first letter, I made it a point to ask a lot more when I typed up my second letter. I took great care to formally address the letter as taught to me in school and made sure to include lots (too much) of quirky clipart. At no point was letter number two backdated and at no point did Adnan ever contact me and encourage me to write him anything. As an attempt to debunk this conspiracy theory I tried to get my grandparents’ old PC to see if I could locate the original computer file. Unfortunately for me, after seventeen years not only were my grandparents not even using it as a bookend (in the basement) anymore, they no longer even owned that PC block at all. As a family that still has VCRs and lava lamps in the basement, I was both pretty surprised and pissed that they no longer had it.