Confessions of an Ugly Girl (20 page)

Donna gasped. “Not Sam! I don’t believe it.”

“She came to his apartment and begged him to get back together.”

I may have blown Donna’s mind. “I just can’t believe this,” she mused. “Sam was
so
crazy about you. He’d sometimes come by my cubicle when you weren’t there to pump me for information on things you like so he could surprise you.”

Yeah, that sounded like my boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend. A new wave of tears erupted. “Every time I close my eyes, I can see him kissing that girl… I don’t know if I can ever forgive him…”

“Well, who needs him?” Donna said. “Look, I didn’t want to say anything at the time, but it would have been hard spending your life with a guy in a wheelchair, right? There was a lot he couldn’t do. He couldn’t even get into your apartment!”

I remembered how frustrated Sam was by my apartment. More than anything, he wanted to be able to come upstairs with me.

Donna continued to talk trash about Sam. She was right about a lot of things. Life with a quadriplegic wouldn’t have been ideal. Things would have been harder for me in a lot of ways. And everyone was always staring at him and uncomfortable around him. It would have been a difficult life.

But it was a life I had wanted.

February 10:

I called in sick again today and worked on purging Sam from my life.

I turned my cell phone off yesterday and when I got up this morning, I had 12 new voice messages from Sam as well as 32 text messages. I was tempted to at least read some of the text messages, but I knew it would be too painful. After all, everything he said would be a lie. I deleted all the texts without looking at them and erased the voice messages.

Of course, I knew he’d just keep calling and texting me. So I did something drastic: I drove to the nearest Verizon store and paid to get a new phone number. That’s what Sam would have done if he had been honest about not wanting Holly to contact him.

Of course, now there are dozens of people who can’t call me because they don’t have my new number. But actually, that’s a bonus. I’d rather not talk to anyone right now. I was happy when I got my new number. It was a relief. Also, I got a good deal on a new iPhone.

Step two was email. I checked my email and I don’t even want to say how many were from Sam. Let’s just say there were a lot. They filled the entire screen. I deleted them all without looking. Then I set up a filter so his emails would go directly to the trash bin.

There were also a bunch of packages for me left on the front steps. Flowers he had ordered and a box of candy. I grabbed a garbage bag and stuffed all the flowers and candy inside, then walked it to the curb.

The whole cleansing process made me feel a lot better. Maybe it will be possible to try to forget about Sam. It’s not going to happen today, but eventually I’ll get over him.

I spent a little time today looking through some dating sites. I felt sick to my stomach as I did it. I thought I was done with that bullshit forever.

I also started looking for new jobs. Donna is going to freak out when I tell her, but I can’t work there anymore. I’m sure someone will be willing to hire me. I may be ugly, but I’m a good actuary.

February 11:

The world is made up of two kinds of people: those who eat when they’re upset and those who don’t. Three guesses which kind I am. Today I ate pretty much everything in the refrigerator. Luckily for me, there wasn’t that much food in the fridge because I’d been spending most of my time at Sam’s place, but that also resulted in a few not-so-proud moments, like when I was eating barbecue sauce out of a bottle.

(The average person eats almost 1500 pounds of food a year. I think I might eat about 3000 pounds. Maybe more.)

After eating all that food, I really wanted to vomit. I went to the bathroom, bent down in front of the toilet, and stuck my finger down my throat. I gagged pretty severely, but I failed to actually vomit. So much for becoming bulimic.

Eventually I went to the grocery store to restock my fridge. I checked the streets carefully before I ventured from the front door to my car. I feel safe in my apartment because I know Sam can’t show up at my door with all those stairs in the way. But on the street, I’m fair game. Maybe he’s not trying as hard as I thought though, because I managed to get back and forth from the grocery store without a problem.

Once I got home, I polished off a pie I had bought from the grocery store. I was wearing my fat clothes today and I’m embarrassed to admit that I had to unbutton them for comfort. Having to unbutton my fat clothes was kind of horrifying to me. I stepped on my scale, afraid to look at the numbers I saw. When I looked, it was as bad as I had feared. Since I started dating Sam, I’ve gained over 20 pounds. I don’t think it was anything I ate in the last few days, but we’d been having a lot of meals out and he acted like he didn’t care about my weight, so I just ate whatever.

No wonder he had kissed Holly. I’m disgusting. I can’t even blame him.

I went back to the mirror to look at myself, although this time I left my clothes on. As I looked at myself, I imagined being a guy out on a date and seeing this image before me. I remembered all the disappointed looks I used to get before Sam came along.

It was then that I made a momentous decision:

I’m not dating anymore.

I started this diary as a way to show the world that being a single girl is okay and that’s how I’m going to end it. We don’t need men to be happy! Arguably, we’re happier
without
men. Here I had this guy who I thought was the greatest, and look what he did to me. I don’t want a husband or even a boyfriend. I can certainly support myself financially. I’ll be an aunt to my sister’s kids and that’s good enough. I just don’t want to deal with dating again.

That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m done.

Maybe I’ll go buy a cat. Hell, maybe I’ll get
two
cats. I’ll ask Martha to tell me where she got hers. Toxoplasmosis be damned.

Actually, losing my mind might be a blessing.

February 12:

My fourth sick day. I haven’t told my boss yet that I’m planning on quitting.

My mother had my father email me because she figured out my phone number got changed and was freaking out. I didn’t really want to talk to her, but I reluctantly gave my father the new number. She called me like five minutes later, demanding to know what was wrong.

“Sam and I broke up,” I said.

She couldn’t conceal her happiness, which made me feel even worse. “Oh, Millie. This is really for the best.” She didn’t even ask me what happened.

“Yeah,” I muttered.

“You could do so much better than him,” she said. “In fact...”

I zoned out while she told me about yet another guy she met for me at temple. I didn’t tell her my new resolution not to date anymore. I don’t think she’s going to like it. I don’t care though.

Donna was also apparently worried enough about me to stop by my apartment after work today. I didn’t really feel like seeing her, especially since she’s pregnant, but I felt bad not letting her in when she showed up at my door. When she saw me in my barbecue sauce-stained fat clothes, she reached out and gave me a hug.

“Oh, Millie…” she murmured. I’m embarrassed to admit that I started to tear up.

“I’m fine,” I said as I pulled away from her embrace. I think we both knew that was a lie.

“Rich is freaking out,” Donna said, biting her lip. “When do you think you’re coming back to work?”

“Never,” I said. “I’m quitting.”

Donna looked horrified. “Millie, you can’t!” she cried. “What will I do without you?”

I wanted to tell her that my heart had been broken and I didn’t give a shit that she didn’t have someone to gossip with during coffee breaks. Now that she was having a baby, she could just be friends with all the moms at work anyway.

But I couldn’t say that. It would have been mean. Donna had been a good friend to me.

“I just can’t go back there, Donna,” I said.

Donna bit her lip. “Maybe you’re… overreacting a little bit.”

What a shock. Donna was taking
his
side. He kissed another woman right in front of me and
I’m
the bad guy for not forgiving him.

“I can’t work in the same building with him,” I said. “Not if he’s with Holly.”

“But he doesn’t
want
Holly,” she said. “He wants to be with you.”

“Is that what he told you?”

“Yes,” she said. “He told me everything that happened. Honestly, I don’t think it’s as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

“He
kissed
her. That’s a
fact
!” My boyfriend
kissed another woman
. How could I make that any worse?

“He told me that
she
was the one who kissed
him
,” Donna said. “And he said he sent her packing right after pushing her away.”

“I didn’t see any of that. I just saw them making out.”

“I believe him,” Donna said. “Sam is a great guy and he would never do anything to hurt you. He’s been to your cubicle every day looking for you. He looks
awful
, like he hasn’t slept all week. He keeps asking me if I’ve heard anything from you.”

“He just feels guilty,” I said. “Holly wants him back and I know he wants that too. I realized it when I saw them kiss. Holly is… Donna, she’s
gorgeous
. Really, she’s so beautiful. They should be together. He just feels guilty about what he did to me, but I know she’s the one he wants. I’m doing him a favor. Seriously, if you compare me to her, it’s a joke.”

Donna huffed. She actually sounded angry, even though I was the one who had just been basically dumped. I couldn’t believe she was actually taking Sam’s side over mine. “Millie, you’re ridiculous.”

“I’m
ridiculous
?”

“For years, I listened to your self-deprecating crap,” she said. “About how every guy was eventually going to dump you because you’re
so
ugly. Until the guy finally believed you deserved to be treated the way you thought you should be treated. I never said anything because I didn’t think you’d listen to me and those guys were all jerks anyway. But now you’re screwing up the best relationship you’ve ever had. I won’t let you ruin your life just because you have low self-esteem.”

“It’s not low self-esteem if I’m right,” I said.

“Oh God,
shut up
, Millie!” Donna said. “You’re
not
ugly! I don’t know why you think that.”

“Because I am? Because no guy wants to go out with me?”

“No guy wants to go out with you?” Donna shook her head. “Sam was asking you out for a week before you told him yes! You’re oblivious whenever a guy is hitting on you. You never believe anyone really likes you. It’s really, really frustrating.”

“You’re just saying all that because you’re my best friend.”

“Maybe I’m your best friend,” Donna said, “but Sam is in love with you and he thinks you’re beautiful.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t believe anything Donna said to me, but she seemed so convinced of what she was saying. It didn’t sound like she was saying it just to make me feel good.

I keep thinking about what she said about Sam looking awful. Is it possible he’s really suffering over this? If he wants to just move on and go out with Holly, I wish he’d just go ahead and do it. I mean, I don’t want him to go out with Holly. I want him back. But I don’t want him to be with me out of guilt and I feel so sure that’s the only reason he’d do it.

I wish I’d never met him.

February 13:

This morning, I came very close to telling my boss I was quitting. Something held me back though. This was a big deal. I love my job. At least, I did until Sam came along. Well, at least until he kissed Holly.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. All morning, I kept thinking about the plans we had and how excited I had been. I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up. I should have known the universe wouldn’t let me be in love. Another Valentine’s Day spent alone. I can’t believe it. Time to stock up on ice cream early.

I spent most of the day sleeping and trying not to think about Sam. It was hard. Everything reminded me of him, despite the fact that he’d never even been in this apartment. It was a relief that he didn’t have my new phone number so I wouldn’t have to worry about filtering out his calls. During one moment of weakness, I actually thought about calling him. But then I imagined that maybe Holly was there and the two of them were finally talking, getting reacquainted and cozy together. That image kept me from reaching for the phone.

I bet they’ll be back together by Valentine’s Day. It’ll be a great story to tell their children.