Contributor (Contributor Trilogy, book 1) (25 page)

"You're so quiet. Tell me what you're thinking," Jonathan said.

"I'm just thinking about my design for the special project," she replied, deciding to stop counting the number of lies she told him.

"What about it?"

Glad to avoid her own train of thought, she detailed the problem she had found, and told him how she would have to start over. He was sympathetic, offering her comfort and advice, but she felt like a million miles separated them. A part of her wanted to let go, to let him drift away from her. Wouldn't it be the right thing to do? Yet, another part of her wanted to cling to him, for he represented the last bastion against the thoughts that were calling into question everything she had ever believed.

When she said good-bye to him, she had to struggle to fight back a sniffle. As she kissed his cheek, a cheek whose every contour she had traced with her fingertips, she felt like she was kissing a stranger.

"Is everything okay?" her father asked, as she walked in.

"Where's Mom?" She surveyed the living room. By the looks of things, her father must have just arrived home.

"Sleeping," he said tiredly. Joshua would never give up on his wife, Dara knew that. But he had obviously come to believe he wouldn't be given the choice.

Suddenly, Dara could no longer fight the need to confess. Her life didn't have to be this way. She knew that now. Despite what Magnum had taught her, she did have choices. They all had choices.

"Dad, I have to tell you something, and it's best to tell you now, before Mom wakes up."

The look on her father's face shifted from concern to alarm, and her heart leapt into her throat.

"All...all right," he responded, sinking down onto a chair as if his legs could no longer support him. Dara eased into a chair across from him.

"There are some things...about the wasteland that you...you don't know." Glancing up, she caught her father's eye and he nodded, indicating she should continue. She swallowed convulsively.

"The part about me helping Letizia out of the transport is true. But there's more to it than that. Once I got her to shelter, someone...someone found us. Two people, actually. They took us to an underground bunker—"

Joshua closed his eyes and exhaled, short and ragged. "So it's true then."

Dara jumped. "You knew?"

"Not about what happened to you. But I have heard rumors about resisters. I was even...curious about them. But I had you and your mother to think about and I couldn't... I just kept on going."

"Does everyone know?" Dara felt as if she'd just been hit over the head. How oblivious had she been?

"No, of course not! There have always been all kinds of crazy rumors, but most people don't seem to take them very seriously. Those who do... It's dangerous to talk about."

"I know," Dara whispered. "It's why I didn't tell you. I didn't want to get you involved."

Joshua seized his daughter's hands and held them tightly. "You did what you thought you had to do to protect me, and I appreciate that. But, Dara, I want you to know that I would risk everything for you and your mother."

Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to doubt you."

"I know, sweetheart, I know. We're not meant to trust anyone other than the Job Creators; they can't afford for us to trust anyone else."

"There's a guy I met. His name is Raj. He was a Ballast once, training to be a doctor. He found out about Mom, and he offered to help."

"Are you communicating with them?" her father asked, clearly horrified.

"No," she hastened to reassure him. "It's not me, it's—"

"Letizia." Understanding dawned on his face. "That's why they helped you out in the wasteland."

Dara nodded, terrified.

"I'm not going to tell anyone," he promised. "If these people hadn't helped you... Have you told anyone about this?"

"No, of course not." Dara knew to whom her father was referring. "Jonathan has so much faith in the system, and I..."

Pain suffused Joshua's face, and he embraced her. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."

At last, Dara allowed the tears to fall. "I don't think he can go where I'm going."

"Where are you going?" her father asked, gently taking her by the shoulders so he could look into her eyes.

"I don't know," she admitted. "But I can't just go on like this, not after everything that's happened."

"Neither can I."

"What should I tell Raj?"

He swallowed. "I know Magnum wants to take your mother away. If this Raj can help us prevent that from happening, I'll be forever in his debt."

Dara nodded, relieved. "He'll come tomorrow, after we leave for shift."

They both started as they heard Leona beginning to move around. Joshua's grip tightened slightly on Dara's shoulders. "We only have a couple of days."

"I know." Dara's voice was tight as she forced herself to stop crying and dry her tears, lest her mother see.

"Then it's time to try whatever we can."

"Are you sure about this?"

"I'm as certain about this as I was the day I married your mother and the day you were born."

They heard the door open, and the sound of Leona's hesitant steps.

"I'm sorry about Jonathan. He's not a bad guy, and I know you care deeply about him."

"I just wish... But there's no point in wishing. He's just so..."

"He's a Contributor, through and through," Joshua sighed. "I never wanted this for you, never. You've known far too much heartbreak for someone so young. I want you to know that, no matter what, I'm here for you."

"And I'm here for you," Dara replied, giving her dad a quick, fierce hug.

Joshua hugged her back and then stood. Dara watched his face change as he prepared to do what he'd always done: pretend that everything was normal.

Chapter 31

Rising from her bed the next morning was a feat of pitting her physically exhausted body against her equally exhausted, but determined, mind. Fatigue sucked at her like a black void, draining the marrow from her bones. Her limbs felt leaden, her head pounded, and her eyes refused to focus. The effort seemed like such a waste. What was the point? She desperately wanted to lie in her bed and just give in to the horrible tiredness that seemed to define her every waking moment.

She took the coldest shower she could stand, hoping the water would revive her. Though it did take some of the edge off, it could not do away with the awful heaviness of her body. The thought of walking to shift almost overwhelmed her.

"Are you all right?" her father asked.

"Not really," she admitted. "But neither are you."

"Not really," he confirmed with a sigh.

"How did things go with Mom last night?"

"The same as usual. Hopefully, after today..."

Dara nodded. Even if Raj couldn't help her mother improve enough to avoid being sent to a facility, Dara hoped he might be able to orchestrate her mother's disappearance. She had decided not to speak to her father about it just yet. Though certain he'd consent to it, Dara knew Leona's removal would likely mean they could never again see her, and Dara wasn't ready to lay that burden at her father's doorstep.

"How did things go last night?" Joshua asked.

"Well, actually. I came up with an alternate design and Letizia tested it rigorously, but couldn't find any flaws. She helped me polish it and, honestly, I think it may be even better than my original."

Her father's face relaxed. He breathed deeply and took a sip of coffee. "When will Andersen evaluate it?"

"Tomorrow. We'll see how things go today. If I can squeeze out a couple more hours to work with Letizia..."

"Yes, you can squeeze out a couple more. I can handle things here. I know how critical this is," her father interrupted.

"Do you...do you think they allowed her to come home just to prove to us that we couldn't handle everything?"

Joshua's face hardened. "It wouldn't surprise me. Either way, it's proof of the Creators' indifference. If they cared about their Contributors as they claim to, they'd be worried about our home lives as well."

"All these years, I thought you and Mom were...well..."

"You thought we bought into all this? I guess we did, sometimes. But there were always things that kind of nagged at me. Things that, no matter how hard I tried to justify them, I just couldn't stop thinking about. So don't make the mistake of thinking you've somehow made me a subversive. The arrogance of youth, always thinking they're the first to have an original thought," he teased. She smiled in spite of herself and hugged him.

"I hoped things would be different for you, easier," he continued. "But then all of this happened and, well, here we are. I want you to know, though, that I'm prouder of you than I can say. You have the courage I've always been lacking."

"You don't lack courage," she insisted, looking up at him. "Staying here, dealing with this, putting us first, that's courage too."

"Maybe. But it's also complacency."

Troubled, she wondered if she did have the courage to break out of her own complacency. "We need to get going."

He seemed to sense her troubled thoughts. Kissing the top of her head, he said, "I know you'll figure it all out."

She couldn't even bring herself to respond. Hopefully, his faith in her wasn't misplaced. Instead, she gave him one last hug before heading out into the living room to kiss her mother good-bye. Leona sat with a tablet, sliding a stylus across it unseeingly, her gaze focused somewhere in the middle distance. The sight made Dara's heart ache.

"Do you remember that Raj is coming to visit you today?" Dara asked.

"Raj. Yes," Leona said, forcing herself to focus her gaze on her daughter.

"He'll help you out, but he'll have to leave for a little while in the afternoon, so the technician doesn't see him."

"I can't tell the technician about him," Leona said, a faint crease appearing between her brows.

"Right." Though telling Leona the truth was risky, neither Dara nor her father had wanted to lie about Raj. They simply had to trust that Leona wouldn't inadvertently let something slip.

"I'm trying, Dara. I am." Her mother's pleading voice was heart-rending.

"You're doing great," Dara assured her, sincerely. It wasn't Leona's fault that she wasn't getting the care and therapy she needed. She didn't lack the will to improve, she lacked the opportunity. Hopefully, Raj could fill that gap.

Dara kissed her mother good-bye and went outside to meet Jonathan. They exchanged some inane chatter as they walked. Though the distance between them disturbed her, the sense of detachment it brought was also something of a relief. She was too busy surreptitiously looking at everyone they passed to pay much attention to Jonathan.

How did we get to be like nothing more than polite strangers?

Her gaze fell on Raj, and she tried to remain as relaxed as possible so that Jonathan wouldn't notice.

Raj pushed a broom around the edges of the thoroughfare, and Dara marveled that the people who passed him didn't even seem to notice his existence. She felt like he should stand out, like he should be emitting some sort of neon glow that everyone would find impossible to ignore. He flicked his gaze over the passing Contributors so subtly that she was sure she wouldn't have noticed it, had she not been looking for it. A few seconds later, his gaze flicked over her, and their eyes locked for the briefest of instants before he returned his attention to his sweeping.

The day passed with interminable slowness. Dara marveled at how adept she had become at focusing her mind on the clock while her hands continued to tap away at her terminal. She worked all through lunch, something that had become the norm of late, despite her conviction that she couldn't work an entire shift without eating. Soon, she'd need smaller suits.

Fortunately, Jonathan had a late meeting and couldn't walk home with her. She tried her best to walk with her normal brisk efficiency rather than breaking out into a run. Joshua must have felt the same sense of urgency, because he arrived at the apartment door almost at the same time she did.