Contributor (Contributor Trilogy, book 1) (28 page)

"No, you weren't stupid. Naturally, you hoped he'd put you first."

"But it's not natural to anyone here," Dara replied bitterly.

"Don't make the same mistake I've made," Letizia warned, her voice soft. "Don't let the fact that you've had bad experiences color how you see everyone in the domes. Some people choose to reprogram themselves."

"Like me." Dara looked down at her hands.

"Like you," Letizia confirmed. "And don't judge those who haven't. They don't know any other way."

"I feel so...lost. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wanted to forget about everything that happened in the wasteland, but I couldn't. In fact, the more I try to forget, the more I think about it."

"Believe it or not, I've been in your position. I didn't intend to become some sort of...revolutionary."

"I'm sorry, Letizia. I've made a lot of assumptions about you." Dara looked her master in the eye.

"Well, that was kind of my plan. Apparently, I'm very good at what I do." Letizia smiled, but it looked more like a grimace.

"I used to believe the Job Creators looked out for us. But now I'm starting to think they see us as tools. If we break, or if we're no longer useful, we're thrown away. Like my mom."

"That's what makes this hard, isn't it? The Creators aren't all bad. They do provide for everyone in the domes."

"Yes, but why? I used to think it was because they cared, but now I'm starting to think that it's just because it's more...convenient."

"Things haven't always been this way. Attitudes changed. Things that used to seem important became less so, and the scarcity of resources was a big force for driving change."

"How do you know these things? This doesn't sound anything like what we learned at school."

"Why do you think we're so passionate about protecting the books we've gathered? Everyone has different opinions on things, different versions of events. The danger lies in hearing only one of those opinions, learning about only one of those versions," Letizia said.

"I'm curious about those books," Dara admitted.

Letizia took one of her hands. "They're for all of us, Dara, including you. The option is always there."

Dara thought about this as she rubbed her burning eyes. "Thanks. Would you mind if I used your bathroom?"

"Of course not. Do you want some tea?"

"I've drunk a lot of tea and cried a lot of tears here," Dara said, as she rose from her seat, smiling crookedly. Letizia smiled as well.

Dara studied herself in the bathroom mirror, grimacing at her blotchy redness of her tear-streaked face. She pressed a palm over the terrible, empty ache in her chest. With a deep sigh, she cupped her hands under the tap and liberally splashed her face with cold water. The sensation made her gasp, but it did cool her flaming cheeks.

One step at a time,
she thought, drying her face.
It will hurt, but you can make it through this.

A steaming mug of tea waited for her, and she sipped it gratefully, her eyes widening at its sweetness.

"A gift from Andersen last year, for exemplary performance," Letizia said.

Dara couldn't help but marvel at the depths of her master's deception. Letizia had Andersen so utterly convinced of her devotion that he approved of her enough to give her as precious and rare a gift as honey.

"Why did you want to meet with me?" Dara asked Letizia. No matter how much her breakup with Jonathan hurt, Dara couldn't afford to lose her focus at work.

"I think you have the position as Andersen's assistant locked up," Letizia said.

Dara tried to decide how she felt. She couldn't believe that, a few months ago, her dearest wish had been to hear these very words.

You also thought you and Jonathan would get married.
She resolutely pushed the thought from her mind.

"Thanks to you," Dara said.

"What do you mean?"

"You set Javier up."

"I'm not proud of it." Letizia looked away.

Dara studied her master for a long moment. "He took the bait."

"So that absolves me of any responsibility?" Letizia demanded.

"No, not really."

"Do you know what I dislike most about myself?"

Surprised by the turn of the conversation, Dara shook her head, staring curiously at Letizia.

"I dislike how easy it is for me, how good I am at finding and exploiting other people's weaknesses." Her face twisted bitterly, and each word came out sounding as if she hated the taste.

"You're not doing it for your own gain."

"That doesn't make it okay. I hate having to do bad things for good reasons—or at least what I think are good reasons. Sometimes I feel like I'm a few steps away from becoming Andersen."

"You're not Andersen, and you never will be," Dara insisted. "Andersen wouldn't be sitting here giving me tea and letting me cry on his shoulder about my boyfriend. Andersen wouldn't have thought of a way to help my mother."

Letizia dropped her head into her hands, her shoulders shaking. "Yeah, great job I'm doing of comforting you."

"It's only fair that you get a turn to cry," Dara said, injecting some humor into her voice.

Though Letizia laughed, in a matter of seconds she dissolved into tears as well, and it was Dara's turn to put her arm around her master's shoulders.

"It didn't bother me as much, with LeTour. He deserved it, the little bastard. He tried to kill you," Letizia said. "But with Gutierrez..."

"I know. I thought he was different, too."

"The scary thing is he's a lot like me." Letizia wiped tears away. "He did what he thought he needed to survive, so I retaliated using my own survival tactics."

"The choice was still his. You didn't force him into doing anything, Letizia. He could have decided to create his own design, but he chose to steal mine."

"But I knew he would. That's what I was trying to tell you. I knew exactly how to tempt him, and I didn't hesitate to do it."

"I guess the difference is that he did it for himself and you did it for me. You'll have to decide if that makes you feel any better."

"I'd rather we could all just work together, for a change."

"I know," Dara sighed. "I feel the same way."

They both fell silent. Though Letizia had stopped crying, Dara could tell that her master was still deeply disturbed.

"You know, lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what sort of person you are," Dara told her.

"Have you?" Letizia asked, pulling away and returning to the ramrod straight posture that Dara always associated with her.

"Yes. Whenever I'm in the middle of a fit of self-pity, I stop and think about how useless it is to just whine about how things are. You don't whine. You try to make things different."

Letizia smiled ever so slightly. "Thanks."

"Thank you," Dara said, meeting her master's eyes. "Really, thank you. It means a lot to me that you're my friend."

"The feeling is mutual."

"I should go now." Dara stood up, and Letizia followed suit. "I have a pillow that's waiting to be soaked with tears."

"Mine could probably use a good bath too." Letizia laughed a little.

Dara smiled and embraced her friend. "Try not to be so hard on yourself."

"You too."

"I'll try if you'll try."

"Deal." This time, Letizia's smile reached her eyes.

Chapter 35

The next several days were some of the most difficult of Dara's life. Each shift change, she hoped against hope she might find Jonathan waiting for her, and each time she was disappointed. It had been years since she had walked by herself, and she found the silence unnerving. How could she stride with purpose, holding her head high, when all the while she felt like some small part of her was dying?

Telling her father had been exceedingly difficult. As she'd dreaded, he took the news very hard.

"It's our fault, isn't it?"

"What? How could you think that? Of course it isn't!"

"Jonathan is such a good guy, but even he couldn't risk being involved with...our situation," Joshua said, fumbling for words.

Dara's eyes filled with horrified tears. "Oh, Dad, stop. Don't say that. It's just not true."

"I can't believe this is happening now, on top of everything." Her father sank into a chair, covering his face with his hands. "Dara, I'm so worried about you."

"As hard as it sometimes is to convince myself, this is for the best," Dara insisted, squatting in front of him.

"Just a few months ago, you were so happy, and now it's all been destroyed. I've spent your entire life trying to ensure that would never happen."

"You can't blame yourself for being unable to protect me from this. There was nothing you could have done."

"I just wanted a secure future for you. I thought that was exactly what you would have, and now—"

"Please, listen to me," Dara said urgently, placing her hands on his shoulders. He looked up and met her eyes. "This isn't how I thought things would turn out either, but I'm glad they didn't turn out any other way. Yes, I'm hurting and yes, this is difficult. But the fact is that Jonathan and I are just...we're in different places. Maybe if I hadn't crashed in the wasteland, I wouldn't have noticed it right away. Maybe I would have been happy with him for years. But someday, at some point, the cracks would have started to show."

Her father placed one of his hands over hers. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to see you grow up, to watch how you're handling this? It tears me apart. I mean, I'm proud of you, sweetheart, so proud. But, if I could have, I would have prevented it all from happening."

"You can't always protect me."

"I know, and that's a terrible reality for a parent."

"I couldn't ask for a better father. You're always there for me. You've always fought for me, always felt my pain and my success. That means more to me than I could ever tell you."

Joshua embraced her. "I love you. And I'm so sorry about Jonathan. I'm so sorry that sometimes people can't be who we need them to be."

"I couldn't be who he needed me to be either." She sighed regretfully.

"Then you're right, at some point you would have noticed, and that may have caused you a lot more pain than you're feeling right now."

Dara did her best to cling to this thought, especially during those long hours at night, when she had nothing else to occupy her mind. Leona's hard work with Raj left her so exhausted that she usually slept through the night. Though Dara was grateful, she also had to admit that some small, selfish part of her kind of longed for the sleepless nights spent working with her mother.

Concentrating on the tasks Andersen gave them was the only thing that kept her mind from going places she didn't want it to go, and she dove into her work with a zeal that no one failed to notice. Each day, Javier looked increasingly uneasy and Walters increasingly stormy. Letizia actually calmed down somewhat. Even Andersen began to look on Dara with something like approbation.

"At least I didn't have to sacrifice much to get here," she told Raj bitterly one night, as they cleaned up after dinner—which he had insisted on doing, despite Dara's protests.

"It's been rough for you," he said sympathetically.

"But I feel so guilty whining about it." She leaned back against the counter and rubbed her forehead tiredly. "When I look at my mom, I think I have no right to complain so much."

"Perspective is good, but it doesn't mean you should minimize what you're going through."

"Don't give me license. I already find enough excuses for self-pity," she pleaded half-heartedly.

"You know, you're really tough on yourself." Raj finished with the dishes and leaned against the counter next to her.

"I don't know. Maybe," she sighed.