Control (15 page)

He
laughed softly. “You said you were six.  How did you love someone so
young?”

I
smiled when he asked me that.  Alex and David had asked the same thing
when I told them about what happened that day; about what I lost.  “I gave
it to a boy who was one of the children at my parents’ shelter.  He was
special to me, my best friend and my first, and only, love…” I paused while I
thought of Buddy and chuckled. “…even though he drove me crazy most of the time
and picked on me constantly.  But he was always the first to defend me
when other people picked on me, and he always took care of me when I fell down
or hurt myself.”  I smiled brightly while I remembered Buddy. “I was a
train wreck even at a young age.  Constantly falling and hurting myself,
it was nuts.  He was always there to clean and bandage whatever damage I
inflicted on myself. But he never would let me sit around and cry about
something.  He was always pushing me to get up, dust myself off and keep
going.”

I
couldn’t understand why I was telling Daemon all of this, but it felt good to
talk about my past. 

“
On the days when Buddy would pick on me the most, I would
go running to my mother, with my eyes full of tears. I never understood why he
could be so sweet at times, but then turn around and act like a normal boy.
 Momma would always let out the biggest laugh and would hold me and tell
me that Buddy must be secretly in love with me because boys only pick on girls
that drive them crazy the most.  Even at five, the irony of that statement
was not lost on me.  There I was, standing in a shelter for women who were
hurt by the loves in their life, yet I was being told that what Buddy did was
because
he loved me.  I think that’s one of the points where love and trust became
confusing for me.”  

Daemon was
quiet for a moment, but then his body shook from a silent laugh.  “So, I
have him to blame for your stubbornness. Good to know.”

I
smiled.  “Guess you could say that. But really, he just helped develop it
in me.  My stubbornness is just another aspect of my awesomeness.  I
wouldn’t be the same without it.”

He
nodded his head in understanding.  Since we were having ‘sharing time’ I
decided now was a good opportunity to dig a little into his past.  “What
about you?  Where did you grow up?”

His face
grew dark as he remembered something.  He cleared his throat before
answering. “Foster care.  My parents died when I was young so I spent most
of my youth bouncing from one foster house to the next.  I ran from the
system when I was sixteen, lived on the streets, did things I wasn’t proud of
to survive.”

My eyes
widened at what he was telling me.  I felt sorry for bringing it up. “I’m
sorry to hear that.  It sounds rough.”

He
smiled slightly.  “It was.  But I grew past it and made something of
myself, so I guess it doesn’t really matter that much.  I survived.” 
He shrugged his shoulder to brush it off.  “Want some coffee?  I was
going to go put on a pot.”

“Coffee?
Yes please.”  

He
chuckled in response to my instant acceptance and pushed himself off the
bed.  “I’ll leave you to get cleaned up and dressed. The bathroom is
through that door if you need it. Meet me in the kitchen when you get done.”

He
walked across the room and I admired his half-dressed body as he passed. 
He’d put on his jeans at some point while I was sleeping and they hung off his
hips and accented the perfect shape of his midsection.  Once he was out of
the room, I jumped up and started gathering my clothing together.  I made
my way into the bathroom and gasped when I saw that it was bigger than my
bedroom at home.  The tiles and countertops of the bathroom were the same
as the kitchen.  There was a glass enclosed shower with multiple shower
heads and a separate oversized tub that could probably fit five people at one
time. 

After I
was dressed and freshened up, I padded out in search of Daemon.  The smell
of the freshly brewed coffee attacked my senses as soon as I stepped foot in
the kitchen and I hustled over to the machine in search of my caffeine
fix.  I heard Daemon chuckle behind me and I turned to find him standing
there holding up a cup.  “You’ll need this I think, unless of course you
were just planning on sticking a straw directly in the pot.”

I
smiled at that thought but added, “Nah, the cup will come in handy
actually.  I need something to measure out my sugar and creamer.” 
Daemon handed me the cup and then turned to reach up in the cabinets to pull
down my coffee supplies.  He watched in amusement as I put together my
mixture and shook his head when I gave him a thumbs up when it was put
together.

I
laughed.  “Alex swears I’m going to develop diabetes one day from the way
I drink this.”

Daemon’s
eyes narrowed slightly when he asked, “What is up with you and Alex exactly?”

Crap.
  Explaining Alex was going to be
tough.  I wasn’t sure how Daemon was going to react and I hoped he
wouldn’t get all possessive and obstinate about Alex.  That would be a
definite deal breaker.  “Alex and I are good friends.  We dated
briefly in college, but he wanted more than I could give, so we remained
friends…” I looked up at Daemon through my lashes before adding, “…with
benefits.”

Daemon’s
eyes narrowed further and I waited for him to say something that would piss me
off.  He surprised me with his response.  “I feel bad for Alex. 
Giving up benefits with you will be tough, I imagine.  Hopefully, you can
remain good friends when all is said and done.”

I
couldn’t help the smile that broke across my face.  I was totally
expecting him to go all caveman and demand that I not see Alex again. 
“Yeah, I was hoping he would meet someone else and call things off with me
first.  Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened.”

Daemon
walked over to me and loosely wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer in
to him. “It’s like I keep telling you, Damsel.  People have to take what
they can get with you and they have to be happy to have gotten that.  I
can understand why Alex hasn’t moved on.  I’m not sure I could ever walk
away from you.”

His
statement rattled me.  I knew that Alex felt more for me than I did for
him and I pondered whether I had been leading him on by continuing to sleep
with him.  If Daemon is right, and Alex was merely accepting what I would
allow, than I haven’t been a good friend to him at all.  I felt shameful
for my actions and I feared that it had been a selfish whim on my part to not
stop my arrangement with him.  It occurred to me that Alex may have
believed that my feelings would change, that I could change, and my heart broke
over the realization.

Daemon
crossed through the kitchen towards the living room and sat down on the large
leather sofa.  I followed him and watched out the window as the sun peaked
over the horizon.  The sky was a brilliant blue and the clouds were
stained pink and orange from the first rays of the sun.  I was lost in my
thoughts about Alex when Daemon turned and grabbed my legs to pull my feet into
his lap.  He started massaging my feet as he spoke. “Any plans for today?”

My mind
was in the process of designing an award for his massage abilities and I almost
didn’t hear what he had asked me.  “Guess I need to head over to my place
to figure out what to do about my bike.  I’ll probably also look into
Chris’ identity and background.”

Daemon
nodded his head as he listened to my plans. “If you need anything from me, you
know where to find me.  I have to work today and tonight, but I can leave
if you need something.”

My
smile brightened at his offer.  “Thanks, but I wouldn’t hold your
breath.  You know how I am about asking for help.”

He
laughed.  “Yeah, I’ve started to figure that out about you.”  I
playfully fluttered my lashes at him in response to his comment.

Pulling
my feet off his lap, I started to push myself off the couch when he grabbed my
arm and pulled me back down into his lap.  He wrapped his massive arms
around my slim frame and placed a kiss on my forehead.  “You’re amazing,
Paige.”

My skin
must have turned bright pink at the compliment, but I played it off anyway. “I
know.”  Daemon grinned at my response and released me so I could continue
on my way.

After
grabbing my boots and pulling them on, I went back into the living room to find
Daemon sitting in the same place, apparently lost in thought.  I took a
moment to admire his half-dressed state.  My mind began flashing back to
the night before and I could feel my skin heat at the thought of
it.   I was nervous that this man could affect me the way he did, and
I tried to shake off the feeling before letting any dark thoughts ruin my good
mood.

Daemon
looked over to me and my breath hitched.  The early morning light cast
shadows across his face, hardening his features.  He really was
magnificent and I became concerned that I might have gotten myself in over my
head with him.  He stood up and walked into the kitchen, grabbed the keys
to the bike and walked over to me to place them in my hand.

As I
was turning to open the front door, I remembered I’d left my helmet at my
house. “Crap!  I don’t have a helmet.”

Daemon
moved over to a side closet, opened the door and pulled out a white
helmet.  I raised my eyebrows questioning how his helmet would fit my head
and he responded to my silent inquiry by stating, “It’s for passengers, when I
have them.”

Images
of slutty redheads clutching themselves to him on the back of his bike played
through my head and a twinge of jealousy shot through me.  Logan’s warning
about Daemon’s man-whore reputation rang in my thoughts and I worried that I
could be just one more egg in a basket of many.  The walls that had
started to crumble around my heart reconstructed at the thought and I felt myself
begin to lose the high spirits I had been enjoying this morning.

Daemon
didn’t immediately bring me the helmet, but instead, he walked into the
kitchen, opened a drawer and pulled out a black permanent marker.  He
wrote something in small script on the back of the helmet, smiled at me, and
came over to hand the helmet to me.  I took it from him and looked to see
what he had written.  My jaw dropped and I laughed out loud to see that he
had tagged the helmet with the word ‘Damsel’.

Take
that slutty redhead!!

He
flashed me a stupid grin and opened the front door to let me out.  He took
my hand as he walked me to the elevator to escort me down to the garage. 
The bay door clanked loudly as he raised it above his head and I half walked,
half ran, over to the bike.  Daemon came up behind me as I started to pull
on the helmet and his mouth found mine.  When he finished having his way
with my lips he looked into my eyes and said, “Please take good care of my
trusty steed.  I may need it for the next time my fair damsel finds
herself in distress.”

I
laughed and replied, “You might want to consider ditching that damsel of yours,
she sounds like a pain in the ass.”

He gave
me a sly grin and bent down to whisper in my ear. “You have no idea what a pain
in the ass she is.”  I laughed while climbing on the bike and Daemon moved
out of the way so I could pull out.  I flashed him one more giant smile,
started the ignition, and off I went.

“Details!!!”

David
stood in the doorway of our apartment wearing an apron over his clothes and
holding a feather duster.  My eyebrows shot up at the sight of him and I
couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me.  I motioned to his attire with my
hand. “What’s with the housewife getup?”  David looked down at his
clothing and then waved his hands at me to brush off my question.

“Oh no,
you are not shifting the focus on me.  You did not return last night, you
were with Man God and I will live vicariously through you this morning.” 
He ran up behind me, pushed me into the living room of our apartment and shoved
me onto the couch.  He held up his finger to indicate he needed a minute
and ran into the kitchen.  I heard cabinets opening and closing and then a
beeping as he was setting the microwave.  I leaned over to see what he was
doing, but he was just out of sight.  Within a minute, I heard popcorn
popping and the distinct fizz of a soda bottle being opened.  The
microwave dinged to alert that it was done and David came around the corner
holding a bowl of popcorn and a soda.  He dropped himself into the
wingback chair opposite me and placed the popcorn in his lap.  As he
raised the first kernel to his mouth, he said, “Okay, I’m ready. 
Proceed.”

My
grasp at the English language was momentarily stunned as I took in the sex
starved, masculine housewife, who was currently eating popcorn in front of me.
“Can I ask about the outfit?”

“No. 
Details first and then I’ll spill.  So make like a canary and sing.”

The
munching of the popcorn was distracting.  “Okay, well, we went and got coffee…”
David nodded his head enthusiastically. “…and then we went to his place…” David
developed a shit eating grin. “…and I spent the night.”

His
face fell.

“You’re
kidding me, right?  That’s all you’re going to tell me?!  I don’t
think so, Paige, you promised a full report and you are going to give me a FULL
report.  Now spill. I have a house to clean and I don’t have time for your
cryptic story telling.”

I
sighed and counted off the details on my fingers.  “He loaned me his bike
while mine is being fixed.  His apartment is well decorated and he is
apparently into medieval or renaissance décor.”

“Oh,
that’s super racy.  Continue.”

“What
do you want to know?”

“The
sexy, dirty, drool will drip uncontrollably from my mouth part.  Tell me
that.”

I chuckled
at his questioning.  “It was nice…okay, it was amazing…seriously David,
could you stop with the munching?  It’s distracting me”

The
bowl was flung on the table and he sat primly with his hands in his lap. 
Ugh.  I was going to have to draw him a diagram before this inquisition
was over.   “He blindfolded me, used some weird static noise device
to make it so I couldn’t hear, and then he teased the hell out of me to the
point where I probably would have attacked him and forced myself on him if he
tried to stop.”

David’s
eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He held out his hand to
shush me. “Stop right there.  He’s kinky?  There’s kink
involved?  I knew I should have opened a bottle of wine.” He waved his
hand at me. “Go on.”

“That’s
it, I mean except for the control thing.  I’m not sure what to make of
that.”

“Control? 
Explain.”

“Well,
the other night when I saw him at Tomb, he took me in the back room when Alex
was distracted.  He told me that if I was his girl, he would possess me,
own me and control me.”

David’s
eyebrows crinkled in between his eyes.  “And you agreed to talk to him
again?
You?!
  Oh my dear friend, Paige, you’re turning over a new
leaf.”  He clapped his hands excitedly. “I’m so proud.”

My back
sank into the couch when I realized this was going to be a long conversation.
“Yeah, I don’t know about that exactly, but anyway, he explained that he didn’t
mean that he wanted to control my life…” My voice quieted. “…He just wants to
control me in the bedroom.”

His jaw
dropped and his face froze that way for a full minute.  When he spoke
again, his words came out slow and clearly pronounced.  “That is the
hottest thing I think you have ever told me.   It’s like a scene
directly out of a dirty romance novel.”  He dropped out of his chair and
scooted over to me on his knees to take my hands into his. “So did you like
it?  I mean, with all your trust issues and all?  Honestly, what he
did wasn’t all that bad. Kink can get a lot more involved.  He is
definitely far over on the ‘less is more’ side of the spectrum.”

I
chuckled.  “That’s just it, though.  He told me that he had gone easy
on me because it was the first time.  He said that was ‘control lite’ and
the next time I would know what control really is.”

David
put his finger to his mouth in thought but then dropped it again. “Wow. 
That’s…wow.  But what I asked was, did you like it?”

A
humorless laugh burst out from me and I couldn’t believe what I was about to
say. “Yes, I did.  That’s fucked up right?!  I don’t know why, but it
was the best sex I’ve had in my life. I think I need to seek psychological
help.”

David
shook his head in disagreement with what I was saying.  “Actually, it
makes sense.  Think about it.  You are so damn strong and independent
and, you know, ‘Ms. Powerful Female’ in all aspects of your life, it makes
sense that being dominated is a fantasy for you.  It’s the one time when
you are able to give up control completely, to let someone else call the
shots.  I imagine that could be a relief for a headstrong person.”

He was
right. It was a relief.  I hadn’t thought of it like that but I fell
asleep almost immediately afterwards.   I’ve never been one not to
immediately get up after sex to break away from whoever I was with.  But last
night I stayed and the thought of leaving Daemon never crossed my mind. 
“I think I’m in over my head, David.  I think Daemon was serious when he
said he was being easy on me.  What have I gotten myself into?”

David
opened his mouth to respond when an angry voice interrupted. “So, what? 
You’re going to let this guy use you and degrade you?  Are you fucking
kidding me, Paige?” 

I
snapped my head in the direction of the voice to find Alex standing in my
bedroom doorway. He was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed
over his chest.  His rage was clearly written in his expression.

I
froze.  I just, froze.  I tried, but I failed to come up with an
intelligible word, phrase, or sentence when I saw him standing there.

He
uncrossed his arms and stood straight before stalking into the living room to
stand in front of David and me.  David raised up one of his hands and
said, “Alex, when did you get here?  I don’t remember seeing you come…”

“Give
it up, David!  You’re not helping her by encouraging her to let this guy
fuck with her head!”

David’s
mouth opened and then closed. 

Alex
started pacing back and forth on the other side of the coffee table from
us.  He would stop every once in a while, turn to us like he was going to
say something, but then turn without speaking to start pacing again.  How
in the hell did I let him find out this way?  This situation is a thousand
times worse than any scenario I had considered.

Alex
turned to us and asked, “Paige?  Can we please go talk in private?”

I
nodded in agreement and was happy that the shock had worn off enough so that I
could physically move to get up off the couch.  Alex turned to go in the
room and I followed behind.  David gave me a sympathetic smile as I
passed.

Alex
closed the door behind us and I sat on the bed.  He was quiet and he
wouldn’t look at me as he crossed the room to sit in a chair near the
closet.  He took his time before finally speaking.  “I assume this
means our
arrangement
is no longer.”  His voice was raw and rough
as he spoke.

My
voice came out in a whisper as I replied, “Yes, Alex.  The ‘with benefits’
portion of our arrangement is done.”  I looked up at him and tears welled
in my eyes as I took in his pained expression.

“So,
we’re done.”  His voice was so soft, I could barely hear him.

My head
started to shake in protest. “No.  We’re not.  Just because we’re not
sleeping together doesn’t mean that we aren’t still friends. Our relationship
wasn’t about sex.  We were friends first!”

His
words were hurtful when he spoke again.  “Actually Paige, it was just
about sex.  You never let it be more than that, remember? Couldn’t let
someone in and all that shit.  I heard you when you said this asshole
would own you.  Are you together with him?!”   He stood up suddenly
and moved directly in front of me.

My head
dropped in my hands and shook back and forth.  My mind wasn’t processing
this situation well and the consequences of everything I could think of to say
to him played itself out to disastrous results in my head.  I raised my
head slowly to look up at him.  His body was tense and he looked straight
ahead with his eyes closed as he waited for my answer.

“I
don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it, this is all so…”

“Do you
want to be with him as more than friends, Paige?!”

I sighed. 
There was no easy way to do this.  I went with the direct approach just to
get it over with.  “Yes.  I would be with him as more if that is what
he wanted.”

His
head dropped suddenly and I held my breath as I waited for him to
respond.  He looked up at me and the raw pain I discovered in his eyes
disturbed me.  I wanted to reach out to him, to take him in my arms and
beg forgiveness, but I couldn’t force myself to move.

“Why
him, Paige?  From what I heard you telling David, this guy is treating you
like an object; like something that he can use and toss aside at his leisure
and you are allowing him to do just that.  It’s everything you’ve always
said you were against. What is it about him that is making you change who you
are?  I don’t even know who I’m looking at right now.  I mean, I see
my
friend,
Paige, sitting in front of me, but I have no idea who the
fuck you are!” He paused to reign in his anger.  “I love you, Paige, and I
would never treat you the way that asshole is treating you.”  His voice
quivered on those last words and I could tell he was holding back what he was
saying.

I
didn’t know how to respond.  I didn’t understand the hold Daemon had over
me enough to explain it to myself, much less Alex.  My mind was fighting
some kind of internal battle and my logic understood what Alex was saying,
while my soul was grasping to the thought of how Daemon affected me.  I
had to remind myself that he wasn’t controlling my life, he wasn’t even
attempting to do so.  If anything, Daemon had been more liberal in his
influence over my decisions than Alex was being at this very moment. 
Whereas Daemon had allowed me to make the choice, Alex was trying to force a
decision within me.

“I
don’t know what to tell you, Alex.  I can’t help what I feel for
him.  It’s out of my control.” Tears began to trail down my face as I
admitted to him the very thing I had not yet admitted to myself.  Daemon
had invaded every part of me and I was powerless to push him away.

Alex
nodded his head once before he grabbed his keys from my side table and slammed
my door closed as he exited my room.  I heard his heavy footsteps as he
crossed through the living room and slammed the front door behind when he left
the apartment.

I laid
down on the bed and tears fell from my eyes. I could still smell his cologne on
my pillow and I pulled it to hug to me.  My tears kept falling as the
shame and guilt ripped through me.  Alex was one of my best friends and I
feared I had just lost him because I wasn’t strong enough to stop what was
between us before his heart became too involved.  I laid there, curled
around the pillow and cried myself to sleep.

~

It was a humid July evening and I was outside the Center playing
in the tall grass with nothing but the cicada as background noise.   The
sun had begun to set and I knew that I would be going home soon for dinner, my
bath, and then bed.  I laid down amongst the wildflowers and listened to
the sounds of the wetlands that surrounded the Center.  With my eyes
closed, I imagined that there was no other place as peaceful as this backyard.
 

“Paige?”  

I opened my eyes at the sound of my name and turned to find Buddy
standing there, backlit by the setting sun.  Even draped in the brilliant
light, I could tell something was wrong by the look on his shadowed face.

“Buddy?  What’s wrong?  Did you get in trouble again for
sneaking in the kitchen and stealing sweets?  You know Momma and Daddy
don’t like it when we take without asking” I scolded.  He looked at me and
sat down in the grass beside me.  He was quiet for a moment and then
looked up with the most pained expression in those crystal blue eyes.
 “Paige.  If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it a
secret?” he whispered.  I instantly sat up and grabbed Buddy’s hands in
mine.  “What is it Buddy?  What happened?”  Buddy started to cry
and I took him into the biggest hug my little five year old body could muster.
 Momma always said that hugs can fix even the biggest of hurts.