Cool Shade (16 page)

He didn't want to lean on the woman he loved. He didn't want to be a burden to the woman he loved. He wanted an equal relationship, one that he could contribute to. That was the only way a guy could feel whole.

"Thanks." He held out his hand.

She paused, then took it, giving it a strong, friendly shake.

He'd never looked past the moment. Now he could see into tomorrow, and it scared him. Was he ready to go out there? The thought scared the hell out of him.

But Maddie was out there. If he just returned home to remain in his safe world of self-imposed exile, there would never be a chance of seeing her again.

And he wanted to see her again.

Panic Pure

"KOWL, voice of the night," Maddie said into her headphone set.

She was bored. And blue. And tired.

"Mary."

"
Jonathan
." She pressed a hand to her mouth. It was so good to hear his voice.

"Are we on the air?"

She checked the monitor light, just to be sure.

She had so much to tell him, so much she needed to talk to him about. "You're fine."

"Good."

"I was afraid I'd never hear from you again."

"I've been away."

"On a vacation?"

"I've been in a kind of… hospital."

"Hospital?" Her heart almost stopped. "Are you sick?"

"I guess you could call it a drying-out kind of place."

"Rehab?" Not Jonathan. But she'd always sensed tragedy about him. "You've been in rehab?"

"Nuthouse. I prefer nuthouse. More politically correct, you know."

No, oh no. Not Jonathan. Had their last conversation pushed him over the edge? "I'm so sorry. I wish I'd known."

"It's okay. I'm okay. There's only one problem. The reason I went was because of this person I met. Because of her, I wanted to try to get my life together."

"And that's a problem?"

"Yeah, because she's taken off. She’s gone. I can't figure out why the people I love always go away."

He was breaking her heart. "I'm sorry." How inadequate her words seemed. "I have to play another song. Don't hang up, okay?" Now that she had him on the line, she didn't want to lose him. "You'll still be here when I get back, won't you?"

"Sure. And Mary? I missed you."

~0~

He
had
missed her, Eddie realized, sitting on his front porch, Murphy, who hadn't moved twelve inches from his side since he'd picked him up from Joan's care, at his feet, both of them waiting for Mary to come back on the line.

He'd started calling her because he liked her voice, and because he liked her style, but then he'd quickly realized he liked
her.
Her personality. Her sense of humor. The way she said what was on her mind.

She talked about things that mattered. Not just the weather. Not just about the latest television show.

They thought alike.

And never had he been able to say that about anybody. All his life he'd viewed the world from a skewed perspective. And now he'd finally met someone who was seeing the same world he was seeing.

That was a good feeling.

Talking with Mary made him understand just how lonely his life was. Talking with Mary made him feel less lonely.

Maddie.

What about Maddie?

He missed her. Especially now that he was back. She was so cool. So exasperating. So hot, so sweet, such a temptation.

Maddie was a challenge.

Maddie was a handful.

Maddie was gone.

Back to Arizona. Back to a boyfriend. Back to somebody who didn't attack her and hold her prisoner. Somebody who wasn't a scumball.

"You still there?" Mary asked, coming back on the line.

"Right here."

They fell into their old pattern of conversation, as if no time had passed, as if they’d talked yesterday.

"Do you think it's important to retain family ties, even if the only blood between the relatives is bad blood?" she asked him.

"Sometimes," he began, "if a relationship is destructive, you have to move on for your own well-being."

She was quiet a moment. "It's tragic when someone stays in an abusive situation."

"Mary, is someone hurting you?"

"No, I'm fine."

She didn't sound fine.

"I've moved on," she said.

"Good. I'm glad." Maybe it was time to try a new subject, something not as painful. "So what else has gone on while I was away? Got a boyfriend yet?"

At first she didn't answer. "No."

The way she said it, with a kind of hesitation, told him she was holding back. "Come on. What's the deal?"

"Not a boyfriend. Boyfriend isn't the word for him."

"Somebody you like then."

"I'm not even sure about that."

"Are we talking physical attraction?"

"Exactly."

"Are we talking sex?"

There was a pause. "Yes."

"Are we talking good sex?"

"Yes."

"And you have a lot to compare him to?" he ventured.

"Actually, no."

She was quiet a moment, as if wondering how much more she should reveal. "He was my first. My only."

"You were a virgin before you slept with him?" He didn't know anybody was a virgin anymore.

"Yes." That single syllable sounded defensive. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"Hell no."

"I have to run an ad, then put on a new song."

"Hey, Mary."

"Yeah?"

"Play that P. J. Harvey song. 'To Bring You My Love.' Will you do that?"

"Sure."

Anxious to get back to Jonathan, Maddie quickly found the CD and slid it into the player. "Here's a little P.J. Harvey for you. Am I the only person who wonders how someone so tiny can have such a deep voice?"

Then she went back to the phone, to Jonathan. "I have something else I need to tell somebody."

"Shoot."

"I—" she swallowed, "I was pregnant."

"Jesus." There was silence while he apparently digested her announcement.

"
Was
?"

"I had a miscarriage."

"Oh, Mary."

"It was—" Her voice trembled. "Awful."

"Was the father this guy you were talking about?"

"Yeah."

"Does he live with you?"

She made herself take a few deep breaths as she struggled to pull herself together.

"No. It's just me and my cat."

"Your cat? You have a cat? What's its name?"

"Hemingway. I know it's a weird name for a cat, but I just always liked it." She became aware of the dead silence on the other end of the line. "Hello? Are you there? Hello?" They must have gotten disconnected. "Jonathan? Are you still there?"

"Yeah." His voice sounded odd, years older suddenly. "I have to see you."

"Someday, maybe."

"Tonight. Right away."

"I can't."

"You have to."

"I can't just leave."

"Put on an eight-hour reel. You have to have some of those around."

"Are you in trouble?"

"Big trouble. Will you come?"

He'd just gotten out of the nuthouse. The girl he loved had dumped him and moved away. "You're scaring me," she said.

"Mary—will you come? Please tell me you'll come."

"I'll come."

"Do you know where the national forest is?"

"Along Highway Thirty-one?"

"That's it. Turn right at the road sign and drive back in the trees about a half-mile. There's a tower. An observation tower. Meet me there."

He hung up.

A tower.

Good God. He’d suddenly sounded so upset and desperate. Was Jonathan going to try to kill himself?

Into the Fire

With both hands gripping the steering wheel, Maddie leaned forward in the seat and squinted through the windshield, the wipers clattering as they fought a layer of heavy dew. The car's headlights, never great under the best of conditions, illuminated a few feet in front of her.

The scent of pine came rushing in the open window. Maddie felt a twinge of something like homesickness, the smell recalling a brief time when she'd resided in the Northwest, where the mountains, with their jagged peaks, had both frightened and awed her.

She lifted her foot from the accelerator, put her face even closer to the windshield, and strained her eyes for a glimpse of the sign Jonathan had told her to watch for.

There.

Wooden, with carved lettering: OBSERVATION TOWER 1/2 MILE

She turned right, towering pines on either side of her, the high beams bouncing off tree trunks. Then she was heading down a narrow dirt road.

The lane ended in a cul-de-sac directly below the tower. There was no other car around.

Had he come?

She pulled to a stop near the foot of the tower, cut the engine, turned off the lights, and bailed out.

"Jonathan!"

"Up here!"

The voice, muffled by the distance and heaviness of the air, had come from the top of the tower.

Oh God.

She ran to the base, her feet slipping in the loose sand. "I'm coming! Don't do anything! I'll be right there!"

Hand gripping the railing, she hurried up the steps, taking some of them two at a time. At the third level, she paused long enough to look up. Way up.

She looked down, noting that she’d hardly put a dent in the distance.

She continued, trying to pace herself. "I'm coming!"

Soon she was higher than the treetops, high enough to feel a soft, damp breeze, high enough to see stars from horizon to horizon, high enough to see the twinkling lights and the alien landscape glow of Chester, Nebraska.

Finally, her lungs burning, side and legs aching, she reached the last level—a small room with open windows on all four sides. The wood beneath her palm wasn't as smooth now. Not near the number of people had made it to this point.

She blinked into the darkness. "Jonathan?"

"Hello, Maddie."

The voice was familiar.
Very
familiar. "Eddie?"

"The one and only."

"Where's Jonathan?"

"Jonathan?" There was a lengthy pause. "Yeah, well. Jonathan."

She strained her eyes but could make out only one shadow. Eddie's. "Is Jonathan here?"

"He couldn't make it."

"You know him?"

"Yeah. We go way back."

"Why didn't he come?"

"I don't want to talk about him."

"I do. He scared me to death. I thought he was going to do something desperate."

"Listen Maddie. Jonathan's not the kind of guy you should be hanging around with, okay?"

"What?" She couldn't believe Eddie was suddenly taking an interest in her. "How dare you! You and I had sex. It doesn't mean you own me. It doesn't mean you can pick my friends. Or my lovers, if I so choose to make him that."

"You'd be better off if you forgot about him."

She thought about how Eddie had made no attempt to contact her. She thought about the gorgeous woman walking his dog. "That might be a little difficult." She pulled in a deep breath. "You see, I'm in love with him." It could happen, she told herself.

"With Jonathan?" Eddie asked, his voice thick with stunned disbelief.

"Yes."

Then he laughed. Right in her face, the sound conveying a kind of inexplicable delight.

At her misery? Her foolishness? "What's so funny about that?"

"You don't even know him, Maddie."

"I know him a lot better than I know you."

"Is that right?"

"Yes."

"What about us?"

"I didn't know there was an us." She elaborated. "There
isn't
an us."

He put a hand on her arm. "Maddie, there
is
an us. You can't stand there and tell me there isn't."

She dipped away. "Sex. That's all it was. Physical. Something physical. I want more than physical. I want the soul stuff, the melding of the mind stuff."

"And you don't think I qualify other than being a good lay?"

It was her turn to laugh.

"You think that's so funny?"

"Yes, I do."

He sounded a little angry, but at the same time she got the distinct feeling he was toying with her, that he was getting some twisted kick out of this.

"What if Jonathan is some old fart eaten up with syphilis?"

"He's not old. I can tell by his voice."

"His voice." His own voice held arrogant disbelief. "You could hear it that clearly? Enough to recognize that voice if you heard it again?"

"Of course," she lied.

"Maddie. Come on. Forget about this Jonathan guy. He's a loser."

"You're wrong."

"What does he have that I don't have?"

She didn't even know where to begin. Everything. "He's everything you're not."

He let out a heavy sigh.

Was he going to believe her?

He took her by both arms.

"Don't touch me. When you touch me, I can't think." She could barely see his silhouette in the predawn.

He didn't release her. "What if I told you I'm Jonathan?"

"That's ludicrous."

"Is it?" He gave her a little impatient shake, enough of an irritant to stop her laughter. "I am Jonathan. I'm the one whose been calling the station."

"Stop it." He was crazy, just like everybody said. "Let me go." She tried to wrench away, but he hung on tightly.

"Maddie, it's true."

"Liar!"

He began to tell her things only Jonathan knew.

About her. About her likes and dislikes. Her feelings. Her secrets. Her fears.

She put her hands to her ears, not wanting to hear anymore. It was like finding out someone had been reading her diary, only worse, because this held more betrayal.

"Jonathan told you all of that? About me?"

"You told me. On the phone."

She clung to what she already knew was a crumbling reality. "He told you. Jonathan."

"Me," Eddie said softly, a deep, earth-shattering conviction of truth in his voice.

"No."

"Yes."

She didn't know when everything changed, when she suddenly realized he was telling the truth. But suddenly she knew.

"You son of a bitch," she said slowly, trying to make sense of it all, failing.

"You son of a bitch." She pounded her fists against his chest. He tried to pull her to him. She hit him again. She shoved at him. He let her go.

"Has this has all been some kind of joke, some kind of sick game? Even meeting me here? Was it a test to see just how far I'd go?"

"No."

Run.

Run away.

"All the things I told you." She put a hand to her own chest, her own heart, voice tight. "All the deep, personal things. They came from me. From me! And all the while, you were laughing. Just like you laughed when I told you I was in love with Jonathan."

"Jesus."

From a nearby tree came the sound of wings beating against the darkness as a frightened bird flew away.

A sob escaped her, and at first she tried to smother it. But what did it matter if he knew she was crying? He knew everything else about her.

She should never have come to Nebraska.

Who the hell lived in Nebraska?

The son of a bitch in front of her, that's who.

She gave him one final shove, almost wishing she was strong enough to push him down.

She turned.

She ran.

Away.

She couldn't see a thing.

She didn't give a damn. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

With her body on autopilot, she flew down the stairs. She was doing okay until the last flight. She tripped and did a nosedive, landing in the sand and dirt at the bottom of the tower.

Eddie must have been right behind her, because suddenly he was there, his hands moving her over, feeling for injuries.

She shoved at him, slapping him away. "Don't touch me!" She was losing it. She knew she was losing it, but she didn't care. "Don't ever touch me again!"

She jumped to her feet and scrambled over the loose sand. She jerked open the car door and dove in. She turned the key, then put the car in gear, engine roaring.

The car flew forward with more life than it had shown in years, Maddie at the wheel, unable to see through the dew-covered windshield, her eyes swimming with tears.

One moment she was flying blindly down the lane, the next she was slamming into a tree with a jolt and crunch of metal.