Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (73 page)

“Whatever you want makes me happy.”

“Bad love is better than no love.”

“I don’t see any way out.”

“I’ll never measure up.”

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love”

(P
ROVERBS
27:5).

— Emotional abuse can go on for years before victims realize the difficult dynamics in relationships.

— Abusers are calculating, and their behavior is deliberate and designed to keep them in control.

— Once your eyes are opened to the tactical behavior of the abuser, much of your discouragement will begin to dissipate.

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance”

(P
ROVERBS
1:5).

— Communicate you will not be treated disrespectfully.

— Be specific about what behavior is unacceptable.

— Refuse to accept excuses and reasons for inconsiderate behavior.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”

(P
ROVERBS
12:18).

— Speak up as soon as the abuser begins to change the subject or twist your words to mean something different than you intended.

— When abusers say something absurd, repeat it back.

— Remain calm. Your abuser wants a strong reaction from you.

“The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools”

(E
CCLESIASTES
9:17).

— Acknowledge that you sense the anger in the other person.

— Confirm that being angry is permissible. (Never attempt to humor an abuser out of anger.)

— An abuser may need help recognizing the cause of the anger, but don’t try to psychoanalyze the person.

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out”

(P
ROVERBS
20:5).

— Confront the behavior, not the person.

— Avoid threats, sarcasm, hostility, put-downs, or judgment of the abuser’s intentions.

— If you don’t get a clear answer, ask again (respectfully).

“Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace”

(E
PHESIANS
4:1-3).

— Focus on the issue.

— Don’t bring up past issues.

— Don’t get off track.

“Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil”

(P
ROVERBS
4:25-27).

— Don’t hope that an abuser will change. Rather, put your confidence in God and in His sufficiency.

— Be aware you cannot make the abuser change no matter how much you try or how good you are.

— Know that change will occur only after the abuser admits to the problem and begins to receive help.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”

(1 J
OHN
1:8-9).

— Look first to the Lord for discernment. Ask Him for wisdom, insight, and direction in all your relationships.

— Read Scripture and take God at His word, renewing your mind so you won’t continue living as a victim. Get involved in a Bible study. Memorize scriptures that emphasize your worth and authority as one who is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

— Live dependent on Christ, who lives within you. Don’t live out of your own resources. Throughout the day, acknowledge your total dependence on the Lord.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires”

(2 P
ETER
1:3-4).

Curtail verbal and emotional abuse by planning to prevent being controlled. You cannot change someone else, but you can change yourself so abusive tactics previously used are no longer effective. Determine appropriate boundaries that will help protect your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

After you determine the ways you will protect yourself and the boundaries you will establish, then do the following:

1. In a conversation or letter, state what you are willing to accept and not accept from the abuser
.
³

— Communicate your position in a positive way.

— Do not justify or be apologetic. Say that you want the relationship to continue, then state your boundaries:

“I won’t listen to name-calling.”

“I won’t hear accusations concerning (__________) any longer.”

“I won’t accept the silent treatment.”

— Keep what you say short and succinct.

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered”

(P
ROVERBS
17:27).

2. Announce the consequences for violating your requests
.

— Disengage from the abuser.

— Remove yourself from exposure to unacceptable behavior. Say you are willing to talk, with these stipulations:

“If you call me a name again, I will leave for a period of time.”

“If you persist in making accusations, I will end our conversation.”

“If you give me the silent treatment, I’ll find someone else to talk with.”

— Consequences are part of God’s divine plan.

“A man reaps what he sows”

(G
ALATIANS
6:7).

3. Enforce the consequence every single time abuse occurs
.

— Do not bluff! The abuser needs to know you are firm and will be consistent.

— Plan on being tested several times.

— In your mind and heart, say no to…

manipulation

pressure

control

— Eventually your abuser will stop an abusive tactic—but only after it proves ineffective.

“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no”