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Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

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BOOK: Count It All Joy
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Chapter Forty-two
Joshua
 
I sat in that lonely hotel room, tired of hearing my name being mentioned in the media and online. I had been called in for questioning by bank authorities and by the police, but I hadn't even been formally charged. Regardless, I felt like I was trapped. I had picked up the phone to call Alex many times, but I had hung up each time. I didn't know what to say to her over the phone. What could I possibly say to her when I had failed in every area and our anniversary was next week. I was ashamed, and I was distraught. That kind of conversation needed to be done face-to-face. So I pulled on a pair of jeans, an old sweatshirt, and headed out the door. I hopped into my Lincoln Navigator, drove frantically through the overcrowded Manhattan streets and over the Brooklyn Bridge to see Alex.
When I reached our apartment building, I hurried to the parking garage downstairs. Just as I was about to pull into my parking space, I recognized Seger's car. I stopped in the middle of the lot and put my vehicle in park. Not again, and not in my space. Didn't this guy
ever
give up? No, why should he?I rubbed the temples of my head as an instant migraine came on. I started thinking that soon I'd be totally out of the picture once the police arrested me, and then he could have Alex all to himself. Within seconds, I realized that I was getting carried away and tried to push the negative thoughts from my mind. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper,” I said. I leaned against the steering wheel, buried my head in my hands, and before I knew it, I was crying like a baby. What happened to my life? What happened to my vision? Everything was all wrong. When I heard another car coming, I wiped my face with my sleeve, put the car in drive, and drove away.
I went straight to Pastor Martin's office and begged him to see me. I didn't know where else to turn. I needed help. When I walked into his office, he motioned for me to sit down, and I did. The room smelled like lemon pepper wings, and I knew that was his favorite.
Pastor Martin sat down behind his desk. “Well, Joshua, I had hoped you would've come to me sooner.”
“I couldn't, sir. I was ashamed and confused that everyone had seen that stupid news report.” I dropped my head.
Pastor Martin leaned forward in his chair. “Right. You mean the one with you carrying your things out of the bank?”
“Yes, that awful one.”
“Did you steal the money, Joshua?”
“No, sir.” I shook my head vehemently.
Pastor Martin coughed hard as if he were choking, and I wondered if he had either a bad cold or asthma. “Then you don't have anything to be ashamed of. Don't worry about people talking. People
will
talk.”
“I saw some of the numbers weren't looking right, but I let someone talk me out of what I saw. I trusted someone I shouldn't have.”
“We're all human, and we all make mistakes. It sounds like yours was just a case of bad judgment.” Pastor Martin covered his mouth with a handkerchief.
“
Very
bad judgment,” I whimpered.
“What about Sister Yvonne? That situation looks pretty bad too.”
“She just came to the bank at the wrong time and threw herself in front of the camera.”
“I see. Well, you didn't steal anything, and you didn't have anything to do with Sister Yvonne, so ...”
“But it looks like I did. ‘Avoid the appearance of evil,' remember?”
“Oh, I remember the scripture, but you didn't do those things intentionally.” Suddenly, Pastor Martinjumped out of his seat and came toward me.
“People don't know that,” I said.
He stood beside me and put his big hand on my shoulder. “Why does it matter to you what people know or don't know, son?”
“Pastor, how can I ever build a church when the people don't trust me?”
The man of God sat on the edge of his desk in front of me. “I'd say let God handle the people. When that time comes, He will send those He wants to be in your congregation, and there is nothing anyone or anything can do to stop it.”
“I feel like such a failure. I've left my wife, and now she has moved on with someone else.”
“Whoa, wait a minute. Where did
that
come from?”
“Alex and I have been separated for a little over three weeks now.”
“I wondered why I hadn't seen you all in church.”
“I've been staying at a hotel, going back and forth to my parents' house to see Lilah and ...”
“Okay, I knew things were bad from our last conversation but not that bad.” Pastor Martin scratched his head as if he were deep in thought.
“We weren't getting along. Always arguing over money and the adoption, and this guy.”
“What guy?”
“A friend of my wife's. He's a missionary she met when she went to Kenya last year. I think he's in love with my wife.”
“That's a very bold statement. Could you be mistaken?”
“I don't think so, but she doesn't see it. Or maybe she does, and she's falling in love with him too. I don't know, Pastor.”
“Do you really believe that your wife is in love with another man?”
“To tell you the truth, I don't know what to think. I just know I'm stressed out all the time, and this thing with Seger isn't helping.”
“Have you tried talking to her about it?” Pastor Martin went back around to his desk and flipped through the pages of the Bible.
“Many times.”
He stopped to think for a minute. “Maybe she just doesn't realize how much it's tearing you apart.”
“No, she wouldn't, because she's too busy with her ministry and Seger, and what she wants,” I said.
The pastor folded his hands in front of his face. “What do you want, Joshua?”
“I want my life back.”
“And what exactly does that mean?”
“That means, I want my wife and child, my dreams of being a pastor. I want all of that back.” I did. I wanted it all.
“If what you want is truly God's will, you shall have it all back. Get your life inperspective. Your wife didn't leave you. You left her. Wrong move.” Pastor Martin jumped out of his chair again and went back to sitting in his spot on the front of his desk. He was just like that during service. Always moving. Never predictable.
“I know that now, but I just don't know how to fix it. With these legal problems and being out of work, the bills are piling up, and I've got to get an attorney, and—”
“Stop.” Pastor Martin put up his hand. “Hear God's voice. You know the way home. In your spirit you know what to do. Stop fighting and listen. Just listen.”
Immediately, I felt convicted. I had been so busy trying to handle things on my own that I had forgotten to trust God. “Thanks, Pastor,” I said.
He immediately grabbed me by the shoulders and began to pray a short but powerful prayer.
“Now I want you to go home and pray for yourself. I'll continue to pray for you.”
I went back to the hotel I was staying in, talked to Lilah on the phone at my parents' house, and then went into prayer. Since I was fasting, I didn't need food. I just drank water and got full from God's Word. I didn't speak to anyone, including the people from the church who claimed they wanted to help me. I buried myself in my Bible and listened to tapes of every sermon from Pastor Martin or my dad. I meditated on every piece of God's Word that I could get my hands on until I became everything I needed to be. I needed to be strong. I needed to be wise. I needed to be honest with everyone, including myself.
The next time I saw Pastor Martin he was more abrupt with me. It had been a week since I had seen him last, and he didn't leave his seat when I entered the room. He also didn't change the tone of his voice.
“Brother Joshua, we're not going to waste any more time during this session.”
“What do you mean, Pastor?”
“The last time you were here, I told you to go and pray. Did you do that, son?”
“Yes, sir. I did.”
“All right, then, what have you learned?”
“I learned that I've got to listen to God first, no matter what.”
“And?”
He was pulling it out of me. “And I can't always be in control of every situation, even when I want to be.”
“What else, son?”
“I can't do it alone.”
“What can't you do alone?”
“I can't solve these problems alone.” I felt like I was on the edge of a breakthrough.
“What about your wife?”
“I've got to stop being jealous.” I dropped my head.
“I know I can't make my wife do anything or change. I can only change me.”
Pastor Martin pulled it out of me word by word. “Good. What else?”
“I've gotta stop being angry about things that are out of my control. Just because things aren't going my way doesn't mean I can change it.”
“And what about trusting your wife?”
“I've got to trust God and my wife too.” I leaned forward in my chair and began rocking back and forth.
“What about your deceased wife versus your current wife?”
I stood up and started pacing the room with my hands clasped in front of my face. “Delilah is gone.”
“And who is Alex?”
“Alex is not Delilah. She's not Delilah.” Why didn't I realize this before?
Pastor Martin watched me move around the room. “And where is Delilah?”
“She's in the past. I can't ever bring her back or my unborn child.”
“And what else have you accepted about that Delilah experience?”
“I'll never know why she did what she did. I'll never know what made her tick.” That was the rough part. I'd spent many nights on my knees over that one.
“And where is the past, Joshua?”
“The past is buried with Delilah.” I tried to stop the tears, but the next thing I knew, they had a mind of their own. I wiped them away quickly with my hands. I couldn't have another man watch me crying like a little girl.
“And what about your future?”
“It isn't buried, and I can have a future with my wife, daughter, and child on the way.”
Pastor Martin hardly moved. “So how do you feel, Joshua?”
“I feel alive again.” The man was a genius.
“Good,” Pastor Martin said. “Why?”
“Because my future is bright.”
Finally, Pastor Martin stood up and shook my hand. “Why?”
“Because of Jesus my future is very bright.” I knew at this moment that this was the truth. I had an epiphany right there in Pastor Martin's modest office.
The hard part, though, was receiving it.
Chapter Forty-three
Alex
 
It was October and Seger started helping me with the Giving Life plans since, at eight months pregnant, I could hardly move around. He called, dropped by, and ran miscellaneous errands on demand. If only I had received that much support from my husband.
Seger did everything I asked of him without complaint. He even purchased two plane tickets to Kenya so we could go and work on Kiano's adoption together, after I gave birth, of course. He didn't ask me. He just bought them and never said a word about repayment. At first, it seemed as if he were my hero, wanting all my dreams to come true. Then I remembered my real hero, Jesus.
And I remembered my vow to change; to put God's will first. That was enough to make me take a step back to reevaluate my life.
After having a conversation with my dad one day, he asked me why Seger was doing all of the things he did. And I honestly could not answer him. “Be careful,” my father said. Was Seger just being a godly friend, or was there more to it than that? I honestly started to wonder why Seger was doing all of this for me; why he wanted to spend all of his free time with me. I wondered why Seger wasn't at least dating anyone yet. I thought about conversations I had with Marisol concerning his single status. Maybe Joshua was right. Maybe Seger had feelings for me that were deeper than friendship. The moment I accepted this possibility, I dropped everything I was doing, and I began to pray. Either way, I knew what had to be done.
Just as I picked up the phone to call Seger, the doorbell rang. I put the phone down and went to answer the door. I was surprised to see Keith standing there. He looked terrible, unshaven, with uncombed hair, and bloodshot eyes. I'd never seen the very handsome physical therapist look so bad.
“Hi, Keith,” I said, looking around for Taylor. Keith never came over by himself.
“Hi,” he said.
When I realized that he was alone, I stopped staring. “Come in, please. How are you?”
Keith came in and sat down on the couch. “Not so good.”
“Why? What's wrong?” I sat next to him on the couch and slanted my body to face him.
“I'm thinking about accepting a position out in Chicago,” he said.
I knew that meant trouble. “Oh, Chicago?”
He let out a deep breath. “I'm going to call off the engagement to your sister.”
“Oh, no.” I jumped up. “Not that.”
Keith raised his voice a little. “I'm sorry, but I'm tired of waiting for her to change her mind and marry me.”
I put my hand to my forehead and started walking around the room. “But, Keith, you know Taylor—”
“Yes, I do, and I'm tired of playing games. She promised she'd marry me, but now she won't.” Keith put his hands up to his mouth. “I can't stay here and pretend I don't want her as my wife.”
I stopped walking and stared at him. I could see the pain in his eyes. “I'm so sorry, Keith. I guess I didn't realize how badly it was affecting you.”
He leaned toward me. “I can't stay here and
just
be her physical therapist or
just
her business partner. I can't
just
be her friend.”
“I know. I know.” I began to pace the floor again.
“I'm going to call and accept the offer in the morning,” Keith said.
“Does Taylor know about the offer?”
He bit his lip nervously. Then he began cracking his knuckles. “Of course. I told her earlier, and she has until tonight to give me her answer.”
“That's not much time,” I said.
Keith stood up and threw his hands into the air. “No, but it's all or none. Either she agrees to marry me now, or I'm outta here.”
“I understand.” I followed him to the door and grabbed his hand. “I'll talk to her, but she's stubborn, you know.”
“I know, but if anyone can get through to her, it would be her twin.” Keith smiled a weak smile and withdrew his hand from mine.
I watched him walk through the door.
“Thanks for listening.”
“You're welcome,” I said, shutting the door.
As soon as he left, I called Taylor and told her I was coming over. I hung up the phone before she could protest. Then I drove as fast as I legally could, observing all traffic signs and lights, but knowing that this was an emergency of the soul.
“Mama didn't raise no fool,” Taylor used to say whenever she saw a good-looking man.
She would never let one get by her without getting his attention, no matter what she had to do.
Unfortunately, it usually didn't take more than a slight jiggle of the hips and a hint of cleavage to get them interested in her. She would use them up, taking them for everything they had.
Afterward, she'd get bored and toss them aside. She never wanted to get caught up with any one man. She'd surrender her body, but never her heart, at least that's how it was until Keith came along.
Taylor was a new woman now, rededicated to Christ, softer, and kinder. I knew Mother would be pleased if she were alive. Lord knows that girl gave me grief for years while she was out there dropping it like it was hot. Nothing like a life-threatening car accident to cool a person off and set their mind straight.
When I arrived at Taylor's apartment building where I used to live before I was married, I knocked and then waited for an answer. When I didn't hear a response, I opened the door with my spare key. I hadn't seen her apartment in months, and it was a mess. So was she.
Clothes were thrown everywhere. Papers were on the floor. What looked like it might have been breakfast—two dried-up, not so sunny-side up eggs—sat on the coffee table forlornly staring back at me. Her hair was uncombed, and her ripped jeans and tee shirt looked like something for the slaughter. It was certainly not the glamorous image my sister liked to portray.
“Girl, you look tore up from the floor up,” I said.
“Whatever.” Taylor sucked her teeth and rolled away in her wheelchair.
“Get a hold of yourself or you're about to lose possibly the best thing that has ever happened to you, besides salvation, of course. And you know it.”
Taylor rolled her neck. “Whatever, let him go.”
“Oh, come on. Are you serious?”
“Yep, he don't need no cripple on his arm anyway. He's a good-looking brother. He can find somebody else.”
“But he loves
you
. He wants you, walker, wheelchair, and all.”
“How do you know that? How do you know he won't get tired of me being this way, not being able to walk or run? Can you promise me that?”
“No one can promise you anything.”
Taylor sucked her teeth. “That's what I thought.”
“But life is to be lived. You have to take chances to be able to succeed. You can't be afraid to live.”
“Who says I'm afraid? I've never been afraid. I'm the bravest person I know.”
“I agree with you. You have been—up to now. And now you've got this fear eating away at you, and you won't let it go.”
“How can I let it go when it stares back at me every day in the mirror? My injury changed me.” Taylor closed her eyes as if she were savoring a memory. “It changed my whole life.”
“I know, and I know you've had to make some adjustments. We all have. But Keith really loves you, and you'd be a fool not to accept that,” I said.
Tears ran down Taylor's face. “What if he stops loving me?”
“I have two totally functional legs, and I can walk, but my husband hasn't been home in weeks. There are no guarantees except in God's Word. Trust Him—not Keith and not walking.
Trust Him.” I grabbed Taylor's wheelchair, pulled it to me, and leaned down to hug her. I felt her warm tears running down my neck and back.
I hoped that she would make the right decision.
As I drove home, I knew I had a few decisions of my own to make also. The first thing I did when I arrived at home was to check the mail. There was a pile of bills for Josh and me, and another letter from the Kenyan attorney that was supposed to handle Kiano's adoption. I held the letter in my hand, and then placed it against my heart. It represented what I wanted from my husband, what I expected from him. Sure, he had promised me that we would adopt Kiano, but did I have a right to hold that over his head and torture him with it? Didn't I know that he was really doing the best he could? Then I thought about Kiano himself, and what would happen to him if I didn't go through with my plans.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding
.
I took a deep breath; and then I decided to trust God. I called the airline to cancel my flight to Kenya. Seger had booked the flight ridiculously early, despite the fact that I couldn't travel and wouldn't be able to travel any time soon. He claimed that he always booked all of his flights far in advance, and had been doing so ever since he started doing mission trips.
When I was done with the airline I called him.
“Hello.” Seger answered on the first ring.
“Hi,” I said.
Seger sounded anxious. “Do you need me to come over to do something for you?”
“No, that's not why I called.” I sat on the side of my bed holding the phone in one hand and holding my Bible in the other.
“Oh,” he said.
“First of all, I'm sorry, but I'm not proceeding with any of the adoption plans until my husband is back home. And let me make that clear. I am believing that he will come back home.”
“But I thought you wanted to go ahead and get a jump start on saving Kiano.”
Suddenly a boldness came over me. “I did, but I realized something.”
“What's that?”
“God doesn't need a jump start. Everything is in His own timing, not mine.”
“I see,” Seger said slowly.
I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but there was no other way. I had been out of God's will long enough. “I'm also going to need to be alone while my husband and I are separated.”
“Oh, no, I've offended you.” I heard panic in his voice.
“No, you haven't. You've been an awesome friend. I just think that maybe our friendship may be standing in the way of the reconciliation between me and my husband.
I'm not blaming you for anything, but I'm just saying I can't see you anymore right now.
Not until I work some things out.”
Seger began to nod slowly as if he were processing what he heard. “I see.”
“I'm sorry.”
“No, that's okay.” Seger sounded like he was puzzled. A moment later, he continued, “But are you sure?”
I held the phone for a minute. “Thanks for everything, but yes, I'm sure.”
“You know where I am if you need me.” Seger's voice was low.
“Yes, I know where you are.” I sighed. “Thank you, again, for your generosity.”
“I'm not sure how good of a friend I am,” he replied.
“What do you mean?”
Seger didn't speak right away. He let an uncomfortable beat of silence pass first. “I have a confession to make. Maybe I was just being selfish.”
“How?”
Seger's voice seemed to caress his words as he spoke. “Sometimes, I'm a lonely man.”
I was taken aback by his confession, and I certainly didn't want him to bare any more of his soul. “Seger, I'm sure there are plenty of people who would love your company. You don't have to be alone.”
“Maybe I'm alone by choice because I'm selective.”
“God knows all about your selections, and He'll work it out for you.” I paused. “Just like He'll work this marriage thing out for me.”
“You're right.”
I paused. “I've got to go now.”
“Good-bye, Sister Alex.”
“Good-bye, Brother Seger.” I shut the phone call down and shut him out of my heart.
That was the last phone conversation I had that day. After that, I went to my bedroom, kneeled down on my plush carpet, and repented about my attitude and my part in Joshua's and my separation. Clearly, I had been at fault as much as Joshua was. I realized I had let my feelings for Seger, no matter how innocent they might have been, to interfere in my marriage. My husband's needs should have come first, but I allowed pride and independence to rule me. I had refused to submit, and I had caused so much trouble as a result of it. Even though we still had issues to work through, I was willing to work through them in God's way and His time. Not mine. After the stress of the day caught up with me, I took a short nap.
BOOK: Count It All Joy
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