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Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

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BOOK: Count It All Joy
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Chapter Thirteen
Alex
 
The next morning, Joshua was up early praying as usual. When he was done, he seemed to stay far away from me, quietly getting ready for work. I fixed breakfast and got Lilah and myself dressed. Joshua and I hardly talked or touched at all. Our hands did touch once as I reached to tighten his tie. He mouthed the words “thank you,” and then disappeared from the bedroom. Normally I would have followed him into the living room, but my mood was different too.
My mind was on Kiano and the other children in his village. I wondered what they would do when their orphanage closed. I pictured all of the children piling into one small building miles away, crying and smeared with mud. I remembered all the hardships those children had to face on a daily basis, and it almost broke my heart. Two trips to Kenya had been enough to settle what I needed to do. Still, I didn't say anything. I just watched my husband play with his privileged child, Lilah, at the breakfast table.
Kiano didn't sit at a table like this or have a breakfast of oatmeal and bacon like ours. He didn't have parents to play with him or hug him before he went off to school. In fact, his village barely had a school, if you could call that raggedy one-room shack with one teacher and a few books a school. When I thought about the living conditions for him over there compared to the kind of home we could give him here, my spirit cried out to rescue him. But I couldn't do it alone. I blinked away the tears that were welling up in my eyes. Still, I refused to start an argument this morning, so I kept my mouth closed.
I watched Joshua in his model father role lift Lilah into the air, hug her tightly, and wave good-bye. He kissed me hard on the lips, and I closed my eyes to savor the moment, to pretend that everything that was out of order could be set straight with a kiss. My spirit didn't rest, however.
Once he left for work, I took Lilah across the hall to Ms. Johnson, hopped into my pink car, and sped off. I hoped that another busy half day at work would at least occupy my mind.
Thankfully, it did just that until the dynamics of the workplace changed.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Seger coming out of Dr. Harding's office.
They were shaking hands, and I was more than just a little curious about what Seger was doing here at Missionary Bible College. Seger, in all of his dark manliness, towered over Dr. Harding. I took a deep breath before I walked over to them.
“Seger, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“Happy New Year, Sister Alex. It's good to see you.” Seger gave me a quick hug as I patted the strong muscles in his back.
“Happy New Year to you. I'm surprised to see you here.” I looked back and forth between him and Dr. Harding for an explanation.
Seger laughed. “I'll let Dr. Harding explain.”
“Brother Seger has agreed to be our new assistant director of admissions,” Dr. Harding said.
“Oh, I see. So he'll be replacing Brother Jacob?” I avoided eye contact with Seger while I processed the information. I didn't want Seger to notice my uneasiness, but a million things were running through my mind at once. I kept smiling.
“Yes, and I have complete confidence that he will do an excellent job,” Dr. Harding said, patting Seger on the back.
“Thank you, sir.” Seger gave us both a big smile.
“Welcome aboard, Seger,” I smiled back. “I'm sure you'll be very happy here.”
“Yes, I'm sure I will.” Seger held his gaze on me a minute too long in my opinion.
I had to get out of there and figure some things out. Sure, Seger was my missionary buddy, and sure, we shared a common interest in ministry, and even a common bond with the Kenyan orphans, particularly Kiano. But was this friendship thing we were nursing worth the headache I knew I was about to have? As I walked down the hall I couldn't help but go through a myriad of emotions. I was excited that Seger would be working with me, yet skeptical about what my husband would think when he found out.
I went back to my desk a little frazzled. Why did Seger have to get a job here of all places? Why couldn't my life be simple? Why did complication after complication keep arising?
It just didn't seem fair.
Later that evening I made Joshua his favorite dinner and set out caramel-scented candles.
I brought home a special Dora video for Lilah. Then I bathed in my lavender bath oil and slipped into Joshua's favorite outfit of mine, a silky, hip-hugging, low-backed black dress. This was the dress that always got me what I wanted. I used my curling iron to do spiral curls, pinned up the back, and only left the few hanging down in the front to frame my face just right. I sprinkled Joshua's favorite perfume, Obsession, behind my ears, on the inside of my wrists, and on my inner thighs. I looked at myself in the mirror, spun myself around, and despite the slight bulge in the waist area I couldn't seem to get rid of, I was pleased. I had to tell him about Seger in the right atmosphere, when he was happy and secure.
When he came in he kissed me quickly and kissed Lilah who ran into his arms. He then immediately settled in at his desk with his briefcase and his computer. He looked deep in thought when I approached him.
“Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but I've got some serious work to do, if you don't mind.” Joshua took my hand and kissed my palm.
I watched Lilah skip back and forth to her room, dragging two of her dolls behind her.
“I know. I was just hoping we could spend some real time together this evening.” I kissed him on the neck. I secretly hoped he didn't misconstrue what I said, but I knew he probably had.
“Oh, don't worry. We're going to spend some time together, believe me.” Joshua patted me on the bottom.
I became sick to my stomach at the thought that he was only thinking about conception. I stepped back away from him. “No, I mean, time to talk.”
“Oh, okay.” Joshua put his arms around my waist and laid his head on my stomach. “As soon as I look over these numbers you can have me all to yourself.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
So after dinner, and after I put Lilah to bed, I put on soft music, lit a few candles, and pampered my husband. When the mood was right, and I had him all wrapped up in my arms, I told him about my day, and I told him about Seger. That was when his mood changed instantly, and he slipped from my arms as easily as he had come into them, blew out all the candles, and laid down Joshua's law. He said that I could no longer be friends with Seger, and that he didn't even want me working at the college anymore. He didn't even want me mentioning Seger's name.
And I had never heard it put down so sternly, the “you are my wife and you will do as I say” speech. I took it all in although I was rebelling in my heart. Under my breath I swore I'd be friends with Seger whether he liked it or not.
Since the next morning was Saturday, and since Saturday was typically when I went down to the gym to see my sister, I woke up early, showered, and dressed in my least fashionable workout clothes. I didn't care what I looked like because I was still upset about the confrontation Joshua and I had the night before. Feeling defiant, I headed out the door before Joshua even woke up. I put a baseball cap on my head and kept it moving as I drove over to the Push It Fitness Center anxious to talk to Taylor. I walked past the front desk, waving at Jasmine, the bubbly receptionist, and went straight into Taylor's office.
It was half decorated in turquoise blue and red with all contemporary furniture. One wall was only partially painted. Taylor sat behind her desk in her wheelchair, wearing a white and blue workout outfit and matching headband. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and when she looked up, I could tell she was surprised to see me.
“Hi, girl,” Taylor smiled.
I plopped down in one of her red vinyl chairs. “Hey, the renovations are really coming along.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she said.
“I like it.” I looked around the room, nodding my head. “It's really beginning to look like you and Keith in here and not like the old management.”
“Thanks. It'll be really nice by the time of the grand opening.”
“Oh, yes.” I clapped my hands. “I can't wait to get all the Giving Life girls out here. It's going to be a lot of work, though.”
“We're used to it,” Taylor said. “So what's up?”
I spit it out. “Joshua wants me to quit my job.”
Taylor pushed her neck all the way back. “Quit?”
“Yeah, quit.”
“Are you crazy? You've already gone down to part-time.” She rolled her eyes. “What else does he want?”
“I don't know. I guess he just wants me away from Seger. Period.”
“Hold on.” Taylor put her hand up for me to stop. “I missed something.”
“Seger is the new assistant director down at Missionary.”
Taylor nodded. “Oh, now I see.”
“No, you don't see.” I put my head down on her desk.
“My life is a straight mess.”
“Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.” Taylor stuffed a stick of chewing gum into her mouth. “Why is he so jealous anyway? I never figured preacher boy to be the jealous type.”
“Yeah, well, you were wrong. He's convinced that Seger wants me,” I said.
“Why would he think that?”
“I don't know. Something about the way Seger looks at me.”
“Hmmm. That sounds hot.” Taylor used her hand to fan herself.
I pushed her. “Taylor.”
“What? It's not my fault that some dude is hot for you.”
“Oh, come on. The only one hot for me is my overly zealous husband.”
“So what's the problem then?” Taylor sucked her teeth. “You can keep your little job and be happy.”
“You don't understand. Josh is very serious about this, and I need my job. First of all, we need the money. And second, the short hours will work well with my grad school schedule, and Lilah and—”
“And the new baby, right?”
“Yes, and the new baby,” I sighed.
“If you ask me, you're doing too much at once.” Taylor bent over to take a protein drink out of her mini refrigerator. She waved it at me as if it were a warning. Then she spit her gum into the trash can and began drinking.
“Taylor, whose side are you on?”
Taylor frowned. “Girl, please. Ain't nobody talking about you. I'm just saying. Why don't you stop letting him push you around?”
“He's my husband, and he's not pushing me around.” I wasn't sure I believed it myself, but I had to save face before my man-bashing sister ate me alive.
“Really? You're the one in here stressing about quitting your little job. And what was it last week? Whining about how you're tired of this whole baby thing.”
“I was not whining, just frustrated, and I do want Joshua's baby,” I said.
“I didn't say you didn't, but what's all the hurry?” Taylor sucked her teeth. “You two haven't even been married a year yet.”
Now I was on the defensive. “So what?”
“So I ain't babysitting, that's what.”
“Taylor,” I said, with a hint of a smile.
“You're the one trying to be super mommy, not me,” Taylor said.
Indeed, I did want to be super mommy with all my heart. I'd never in my life wanted anything more than I wanted to be that.
“I know, but Joshua just wants a baby so bad.” I felt the tears bursting from their ducts and running down my face.
Taylor rolled over and put her arm around me. “All I'm saying is this madness has gotta stop.”
“If I stay at the job, Josh will be furious.”
“Well, what's most important to you, your job or your marriage?”
I grabbed a tissue from the box on Taylor's desk and blew my nose. “Easy for you to say.”
“That's right, it's easy for me because I'm not caught up in this marriage mess.” Taylor rolled out of the room in her wheelchair. “Probably won't ever be.”
She said it with a smile, but I could tell from her eyes that she was hurting. I hoped it didn't have to do with her not being able to walk on her own yet. She was adamant about being able to walk down the aisle, without assistance, on her wedding day. I wondered if that was the issue or if something else in her engagement to Keith had gone wrong. I just wasn't sure if now was the right time to ask about it. But I would and soon.
Chapter Fourteen
Alex
 
Sitting in Dr. Henley's mint-green office, trying various fertility techniques, enduring disappointment after disappointment, was seriously taking its toll on us, emotionally and financially. We practically kissed each of Joshua's paychecks good-bye as we embarked on this painstaking medical journey. Personally, I knew I was just going through the motions with my body while my mind and heart were in limbo. I knew we needed a real break from all the routines that had become our life. So after much convincing, Joshua and I agreed to plan a trip away for the weekend.
Sadly, we couldn't even agree on the specifics of that. I wanted to go to a romantic lodge in the Poconos, to ski, swim, and to soak in a heart-shaped tub, but he wanted to go to Miami to see LeBron James play with the Miami Heat. I wondered if it was just me or did women everywhere go through this? In the end, we settled on a three-day weekend trip to Atlantic City in New Jersey.
Clearly, it was nothing like our honeymoon trip, but I decided to make the best of it. We drove down to Atlantic City, chatting lightly about upcoming events like Missionary's Women's Conference and Kingdom House of Prayer's Anniversary Banquet. Then there was Lilah's upcoming birthday, and we decided on a party in Prospect Park. Since the ride didn't take too long, Joshua did all the driving so I wasn't too worn out from the trip.
We arrived at the hotel on Friday night, checked in, freshened up, and went out to dinner at a local restaurant. Nothing fancy, just filling the stomach, and I was a little disappointed.
Even more disappointing still was my husband falling asleep on me watching a basketball game on television.
The next day, however, we woke up late, grabbed some of the complimentary continental breakfast that consisted of fresh fruit, bagels, orange juice, tea, and coffee. We both dressed in faded jeans, a T-shirt, baseball caps, and sneakers. I put Ambi daily moisturizer on my skin, put my hair up in a ponytail, and I was ready for the day. Then we went to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum and enjoyed the various displays. I was finally able to laugh and be myself, someone I hadn't been for a long time. We had lunch and later on in the day we saw a dolphin show at the IMAX theater. I thought that it was really cool how three dimensions made me feel like I was really out on the ocean, riding the waves. Not that I was crazy about the ocean or anything, but it did remind me of being at the beach.
I smiled as I decided to let my mind go with whatever it could get.
After all, beggars couldn't be choosers,
I thought. Saturday night's dinner was a little fancier because I insisted.
So we basked in a nice Italian restaurant eating Veal Parmigiana and Shrimp Alfredo. We stared into each other's eyes on occasion but not so much that we would start thinking of our problems.
We had both agreed not to do that, not this weekend. Once I thought I even caught a glimpse of something mysterious in his eyes, something like guilt. Since I couldn't figure it out, and since I was banned from the subject of “us,” I put it out of my mind.
On Sunday, we visited a local church for its early morning service and did a little shopping. Nothing serious. We just bought a few souvenirs for the family, mostly T-shirts and postcards. We did buy a cute little Atlantic City tote bag for Lilah. By late afternoon, we toured the Absecon Lighthouse, even though it was too cold to really be out on the water. The grand finale, though, was when we went on a sunset cruise. There, we had a tantalizing salmon dinner on board and danced in the moonlight. Now that was romantic. When we returned to our hotel room, Joshua started going on and on about how he regretted not purchasing a particular T-shirt in the gift shop for his mother.
“There was only one left in her size,” Joshua said.
“Would you please go and get it for me while I take my shower?”
“Why me?”
Joshua used the remote to flip through the channels. “That way you can double-check the size thing and make sure it would fit her.”
“What do I know about your mother's size?”
“Oh, come on, please,” Joshua pouted. “Do this for me, please.”
“Can't it at least wait until tomorrow?” I was so tired, but he insisted, and seeing his drooping lips gave me the burst of energy I needed to go downstairs. “Oh, all right. I'll go.”
By the time I came back to the room with the shirt, I practically fell through the door. It had taken the salesperson too long to assist me, and I now I was annoyed.
I noticed there was soft music playing, and I recognized the selection was “This Must BeHeaven,” one of my favorite oldies but goodies. Joshua was wearing only his boxers, sporting his semimuscular chest and strong bow-shaped legs. I squinted as I saw a trail of rose petals from the bed to the bathroom. He led me into the bathroom without saying a word. There, I found rose petals from the door leading up to the tub and floating on top of the water. Scented candles were lit around the room everywhere enveloping my senses.
I was shocked. “Joshua, how did you do all of this?”
“It wasn't easy, but I did have some help. Didn't you notice that the cashier took an extremely long time downstairs with the shirt?” he laughed.
“He sure did. Wow, he was in on it too this whole time?”
“Anything for you.” Joshua began to kiss the nape of my neck. He peeled off my clothes and lifted me into the tub of lavender-scented water. Then he quickly climbed in with me, whispered in my ear, nibbled on my lips, made me remember and cherish that I was his wife. Then I remembered why I loved him so much, and why I wanted to have his baby, despite the grueling process.
Afterward, Joshua wrapped me in a soft, fluffy towel, and caressed my body with shea butter until every nerve stood on end. That night he was mine and I was his. No amount of marital stress could disrupt our magical union.
BOOK: Count It All Joy
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