Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

Count It All Joy (13 page)

BOOK: Count It All Joy

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Chapter Twenty

Alex

I knew from the moment I walked in on them that it was going to be bad. Yvonne had her chair pushed up close against Joshua, and they were huddled close together. Imagine coming all the way down there to a Cantonese restaurant in the village to find my husband dining with another woman. And not just any other woman, but the same church sister that already tried to steal him away before. I started breathing harder the more I saw and the more I thought about it.

Joshua knew I hated Cantonese food, and that I'd never come down here without a good reason.

This was supposed to be a safe spot I guessed. Too bad for him that I had overheard a telephone conversation and knew he was meeting someone here. I just didn't expect it to be man-stealing Yvonne; not this time.

I stood back and watched for a moment. She ran her brightly colored fingernails across his arm. I couldn't believe she was touching him. I could only see their faces from an angle, but I could tell they were looking at something on the table. Suddenly, I heard laughter, saw Joshua throw his head back, and Yvonne pat him gently on the back. That was enough for me. I hadn't seen him look that happy in months.

I charged toward them. “Joshua Douglas Benning!”

“Alex?” Joshua turned to me with his eyebrows raised and his mouth wide open. He looked like deer staring into headlights.

“Yes, it's meâyour
wife
.” I stood over him. “Remember me?”

Yvonne seemed to be amused by the whole thing because she stood up with a smirk on her face. “Sister Alex, how are you?”

I looked her up and down. “Girl, please.”

“Sweetheart ...” Joshua still looked like a deer stunned by the headlights. “Yvonne and I were just working on something.”

“Oh, I can see that.” I took a stance with one hand on my very ample hip, and the other ready to throw the first blow if I had to. She wouldn't be able to make it to the door.
Lord, help me.

“No, really. We ... I ...” Joshua stammered.

I patted my foot and prayed silently.
Lord, please don't let me show out in this place.

Please keep me in your Spirit.
“I'm waiting. What were you two working on that I don't know about?”

Joshua reached across the table and handed me a manila envelope.

“I can see that you two need some time alone so I'll just go.” Yvonne straightened out her fitted skirt and walked away.

I wanted to snatch every curl out of her little red head. “Yes, please just go.” I opened the envelope and pulled out the contents. There was a picture of a young woman with medium brown skin and long black hair. There was also something that appeared to be a medical file.

“What is this?”

“Let me explain,” Joshua said.

“Go on.”

“Please, have a seat.” He held out a chair for me.

I took my time sitting down. “Are you going to tell me what's going on now?”

“I will.”

“Who is this?” I held up the picture of the woman.

Joshua swallowed hard. “I don't know her.”

I wanted to lunge at him. “Then why do you have her picture?”

He hesitated. “She's a friend of Yvonne's.”

“Now that doesn't make any sense.” I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, but it was clear that all he could do now was to come clean and suffer the consequences. And I did mean
suffer
.

Joshua swallowed, then said, “She works with an agency.”

“What kind of agency, Joshua?” I was tired of playing games.

“She helps people.”

“Helps people with what?” I was getting more tired by the minute. “Get to the point, please.”

“She helps families who want kids.”

I wasn't expecting that one. “Oh? How does she help with that?”

“She's a professional surrogate.” Joshua dropped his head.

First I thought that I heard wrong. Then I thought I'd strangle him. “Excuse me?”

“She's a surrogate mother,” he whispered.

“
What?
” I pushed my chair back and stood up.

“Please sit back down.” Joshua grabbed my hand.

I pulled away from him. “No, why should I?”

“Come on. I'm sorry. I was just getting some information.”

I was furious. “For what? Are you
that
desperate for another child, Joshua, that you would plan for one and leave me out of the equation?”

A waiter walked over to me. “Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice, please.”

“Oh, I'm sorry,” I said, sitting back down in my chair.

Joshua spoke very low. “I told you I was just getting information. I'm sorry ... I ...”

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to run away and hide. “You humiliated me.” My voice began to quiver.

“I'm sorry. I wasn't leaving you out. I was just covering all the bases.”

“And with the likes of Yvonne, of all people. She never wanted to help anyone a day in her life.” I stood up again.

Joshua stood up and looked at me with pleading eyes. “Alex, waitâ”

“No, you wait.” I put my hand up to my heart, but my voice remained low. “You've gone behind my back and told our business to Yvonne.”

“No, I've told her nothing, no details.”

I looked around to make sure no one was able to hear me. “Then
how
would she know we were trying to conceive?”

“She only overheard a short conversation I had with Brother Jameson, and she offered to help,” Joshua said.

“I'll bet.” Tears of anger ran down my face. My heart raced as I contemplated what Joshua had just told me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Perhaps I was mistaken. Surely I wasn't hearing right. Not from my Joshua who promised to love me till death do us part. This wasn't love. I wanted to lash out at him, but I waited.

“No, I was skeptical at first, but as time went on I ... I ...”

“You became more obsessed with having this child, so much so that you're desperate to do anything to have him, even if it's not in the will of God.”

Joshua stuttered. “I ... I ...”

“Joshua, I love you, but I don't know.” I took a deep breath. “You need help.”

“You're right.” He pulled me to his hard chest. “I see that now, and I'm sorry.”

I pushed away from him. “I'm sorry too, but right now, I don't want anything to do with you,” I said as I left him standing there.

When we finally got home I went straight to our bedroom and locked the door. I didn't want to see Joshua or even be near him. Touching me was definitely out of the question. So I had made my bed with Joshua, but did I really have to lie down in it? I mean, obviously, I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I let that man put a ring on my finger and I said, “I do.” I didn't know he'd turn into the baby-obsessed madman I was living with today. I mean, who knew?

After a quickie shower, I slipped under the cool covers alone. Joshua would have to make do on the couch for tonight. I remembered my mother's words, “Sweetie, don't be a fool for no man.” I wondered what she would think of me if she were alive. After all, had I ever listened?

Nope, I hadn't listened with Ahmad, my long-ago lover with buttermilk skin and charm to match.

I certainly hadn't listened with my husband either, but did that give him the right to humiliate me?

When I found myself unable to sleep, instead of praying, I walked over to the window and looked outside. I didn't want anyone to look up and see me though. As if I could be seen from the fifteenth floor, as though a random passerby could see through my soul and maybe they could see through me; that's just how raw I was.

Chapter Twenty-one

Joshua

I spent the night on our leather sofa so when I woke up my entire body ached. I couldn't believe I had gone as far as I had gone. I let my desire for a child get the best of me. No, I wouldn't ever go that far again.
Lord, I'm sorry
. It would have to be His way or no way. I had upset my wife, which is the last thing I wanted to do. Alex woke up, did her morning routines, and left the house before I did. That wasn't like her at all, so I knew she was still mad. I knew I had to get it together, or I'd lose everything I wanted so badly.

The phone rang. I picked up the phone and put the receiver to my ear.

“Good morning,” Aunt Dorothy said.

“Morning.” I knew I sounded bad.

“May I speak with Alex for a minute, honey?”

“I'm sorry, but Alex isn't here.” At that moment, I regretted answering the phone. I sighed heavily.

“Are you doing all right? You don't sound too good.”

“No, I'm okay,” I said.

“That's strange. I wanted to catch her before she left for work. She doesn't usually leave home this early.”

My headache was getting worse by the second. “Nah, not usually.”

“Well, all right then. I'll catch her on her cell phone.”

“That's a good idea.” I was about to hang up.

“Are you
sure
you're okay?”

“Yes, Aunt Dorothy, I'm fine.”

“Well, I'm gonna be praying for you anyway, 'cause something ain't settled right in my spirit.”

Her words were slipping past me, and I didn't care what she was saying. “All right. I've got to go now.”

“Bye, Josh.”

After I hung up the phone I started to get ready for work. I missed Alex being there to help me. She always added a special touch to my morning, whether she knew it or not. When I went into Lilah's room to wake her up, I saw that Alex hadn't forgotten to lay out Lilah's clothes for the day. I quickly helped her to wash her face, brush her teeth, and get dressed.

Then I poured her a bowl of Crispy Crunch cereal and watched her eat it while my stomach growled. Alex had left me a toasted bagel on the counter, but I didn't feel like eating, not when it felt like my whole life was falling apart.

Once I dropped Lilah off at Ms. Johnson's, I took the long route to work. I was early, and I was in no hurry to deal with the next set of problems.

At the bank, my cherry wood desk was covered with papers and files. I finally figured out that small amounts of money had been taken from the bank periodically. I leaned back in my executive chair and stretched my legs. If my calculations were right, someone had been stealing.

Not a lot, but stealing, nonetheless. I was sure money was missing unless there was some kind of computer glitch or some other crazy explanation that only Simon could give. I was not sure what happened so I decided to confront Simon right after lunch.

Immediately, Simon, the president, denied that anything was wrong or missing. He told me I was mistaken, and that he'd personally check into my claim and clear up whatever had possibly gone wrong. He assured me again and again that it was no big deal. After a while, I began to think that maybe I was tripping. After all, I did have too much on me lately. Maybe, just maybe, Simon was right. We'd been working together for the past ten years, and he'd never been wrong before.

Later on that evening, I brought home a dozen red roses for Alex. She was wrapped up in her big flannel robe with her bunny slippers, and she had big pink curlers in her hair. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but I had to make the best of it.

I came in slow and handed her the flowers with my head hung low. “These are for you.”

Alex rolled her eyes. “Thanks, but it'll take a lot more than flowers for me to get over this.”

“But I'm sorry, baby.” I lifted my head.

“No, Joshua. I don't even want to hear the word âbaby.'” She turned her back to me. “I feel so betrayed.”

“I know. I know.” I was so mad at myself. “I messed up.”

“Big time,” Alex said.

Then she turned to face me. She just stood there staring at me, not talking, not even blinking.

“Big time,” I said.

She walked up to me and put her finger in my chest. “I don't understand. Why would you do that to me?”

I grabbed her finger and put it against my face. “I was desperate.”

“Why were you so desperate?” Alex jerked her hand away.

“I was crazy.”

“Why were you so crazy?” She lunged at me but began to cry. “What if, Joshua?”

I didn't understand. “What if what?”

“What if I can't give you a child?”

I shook my head. “No, don't say that.”

“But I have to say that because what if I can't,
then
what?”

“What do you mean, then what?”

She leaned against the wall. “What happens if I don't bear your child?” By now, she was trembling, and I felt bad for her. I wanted to hold her, but I knew she wouldn't let me.

“Don't say that.”

“What will happen next? Will you leave me if you can't get what you want? Will our marriage really be able to survive it, or will you just move on to the next fertile soul?”

“No, never,” I said.

“Really? What if I don't believe you? What if I decide to leave you before you leave me?”

“I'd never let you leave me.” I pulled her to my chest. “I love you more than you know.”

She pulled away. “Apparently, it is more than I know because I don't know anything anymore.”

“Please, Alex,” I said.

She kept walking away from me so I had to keep moving and cornering her.

“Please what? You were willing to let another woman carry our child as if that's the way God intended it to be. So I just don't know anymore.”

“I'm sorry. I just kept playing it over and over in my mind, and the more I did that, the more doubts came in.”

“Okay, so doubts came.” Alex stood there nodding her head and sucking her lips.

Since she stopped moving and started listening, I kept talking. “And the next thing you know I couldn't stop thinking about having a child.”

“Couldn't stop thinking about it, huh?”

“Yeah, and it got out of hand.”

“I thought we'd agreed on God's will,” Alex said, balling up her hands into fists.

“I know.” I was so ashamed. I wanted to hide my face, to bury this mess I had made.

Unfortunately, I had to face up to it, no matter how painful it was.

“I thought we were supposed to be confessing that God would multiply us. Not multiply you with someone else. I mean, that is so Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar to me.”

“I know, baby, but I didn't see that then,” I said.

“Don't call me baby,” Alex said, with cloudy pink eyes. “How could you not see that? Is that what you want us to have, an Ishmael?”

“No, I do not want an Ishmael.” This time I walked away, ashamed.

“Are you
sure?
” Now she followed me.

I sighed. “Yes, I'm sure, and I'm sorry.” I sighed because I didn't like hearing it, but I knew I deserved every bit of it. So I took it like I used to take castor oil when I was a kid.

“But at least Sarah knew what was going on.
I
didn't even know.” Alex paced the floor, flinging her arms wildly. “You should've been meditating on the Word, praying, or something. But instead, you were meditating on surrogacy.”

I pleaded with her. “I know that now, and I'm sorry. I got carried away.”

“How do I know you won't get carried away again? How do
I
know I can really trust you with my heart?”

I took Alex's hand, kissed it, and then put it on my chest. “Because I'm trusting you with mine.”

BOOK: Count It All Joy

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