Count It All Joy (12 page)

Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

BOOK: Count It All Joy

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“You see, there is an order to this thing, and a lot of us are just out of control and out of order on every level. I'll even go as far as to say that some of us, even in the church, are buck wild and can't be stopped. But spiritual matters must be in order before we try to jump out there on the water like Peter. We say we're anointed and we want to conquer the world. I say if your house is not in order and you jump out, you'll sink. I've got forty-two years of marriage under my belt, five kids, two global ministries, and a number of companies that have my name on them. At the end of the day, my husband is still the head of our household. There is protection in the order of God.”

I looked around and wondered if she was talking to me directly. Admittedly, I'd had a few challenges in this area, but this was no longer the fifties, and women had certain rights I wasn't about to give up. I mean, wasn't I already giving enough? Did I have to lose my whole sense of identity for my husband to be happy? It wasn't like I was some ultramodern woman who had a problem with cooking, cleaning, or having kids. I just wasn't a roll-over-and-play-dead-like-back-in-the-day woman either.

Dr. Durrant kept talking while her audience remained captivated. “That's why God said, seek ye first the kingdom of heaven, and then all things shall be added unto you. It's the seeking we have to do first. The seeking before the doing. Do you remember this day in the Bible when Jesus was talking to Mary Magdalene and Martha, but Mary was the only one listening? Jesus reprimanded Martha because what she was doing wasn't as important as the listening. Not that what she was doing, the natural things, weren't necessary, but that she was out of order.

“I say to you today, my sisters, put spiritual things first. Then the natural things will come. Seek God's will first and get your life in order. Get your prayer life right. Get your heart right, because out of the heart comes the issues of life. I'm telling you, my sisters, if you get your heart right, the issues will shrink up and die. They'll shrink up and die. Issues can't survive without you feeding them negativity. If you keep on feeding on the right stuff, God's Word will get rid of your issues. Prioritize your life, your time, your issues. Put Him at the top of your list, not your position, not your promotion, not your desires, not your need for success. Superwomen, put His will first, and watch God work. Watch God work in your home, in your marriage, on your job, in your circumstances.”

The audience screamed. A lady sitting two seats down from me fell to her knees. Taylor and I clapped our hands and shouted as the word came forth.

“But we won't surrender it all to Him. We want to keep a little bit of power we think we have for ourselves. We want to keep it for ourselves, and God can't help us until we turn it all loose, 'til we turn it all over to Him. He's waiting, ladies, and so is our destiny.

“We say we're tired, burned out, and forgotten. God hasn't forgotten us, but we've forgotten Him. And we've forgotten His will for us. Come back to what should be first place in your life. Come back to number one, nu-mero uno ... Seek His face. Come after Him with a passion in all you do. Do nothing without Him. Submit your projects and your decisions to His will, and if He ain't in it, let it go. I say, if He ain't in it, let it go.”

“Amen, sister. Amen.” The woman sitting right next to me shouted continually and waved her hands in the air.

The audience roared with excitement. There was music and women dancing at their seats. I had to admit, Dr. Durrant's words stung a little as the truth rang true in my heart.

Taylor touched my shoulder and whispered, “Now you know that's the truth.”

“Humph. Wasn't a lie in it,” I said.

“That lady is something else,” Taylor chimed in.

“Anointed.” I nodded my head in agreement. “That woman is anointed.”

By the time she was finished, I felt renewed and convicted at the same time. The rest of the day was spent in various workshops bonding, learning, and growing closer to God. There were workshops on health, beauty, being a single woman, being a single mother, how to be a good wife, how to raise godly children, how to get prayers answered, how to worship, how to be a good children's ministry leader, and the list went on.

In the evening, Taylor, a bunch of ladies from the church, including Aunt Dorothy, and I went out to eat. We discussed the message, ate, and laughed about the situations, good and bad, that characterized our lives. We all vowed to make changes.

Back at the hotel, I called Joshua to say good night. He sounded a little tired, but glad to hear from me nonetheless. Then Taylor and I had our own little slumber party, watching television, polishing our nails, and staying up all hours of the night, giggling. We hadn't done this in years, and I had missed it.

The next morning, we hardly wanted to wake up because of our late-night antics, but we had to catch the nine o'clock prayer breakfast and then the last service with Dr. Durrant. I threw on a plain beige sweater dress while Taylor put on a jazzy black ensemble with a jazzy black hat. I always wished I had her flair for style, even half of it.

“Oh, come on, that's so boring,” Taylor said, staring at my outfit.

“What?”

“Let's liven this outfit up a little.” She reached into one of her bags and pulled out a big burgundy leather belt. “Put this on.”

“All right, all right. Is it that serious?”

“When you're out with me, yes, it is,” Taylor laughed. I wrapped the belt around my waist, and it really did give the dress a new look.

“Now, just put this around your neck, put on these burgundy shoes, and we're good.”

Taylor handed me a burgundy and beige silk scarf and burgundy wedge heeled shoes.

Thankfully, we wore the same size shoes, even though her feet were a little slimmer than mine.

Before long, we were sitting in the service, listening to Dr. Durrant's prophetic words.

She issued us all the challenge of change, and I embraced every word.

After we were dismissed, we had time for sightseeing. Taylor wanted to go to the aquarium, but I didn't, so she went with a group of women from the church while I stayed with Aunt Dorothy and Sister Trudy. We went to the Inner Harbor and to the Baltimore Museum of Art. Then when Taylor returned, she and I went to Harbor East, Baltimore's premiere waterfront entertainment spot. There, we saw a collection of the area's best restaurants and retail stores, but we didn't do any shopping. We did buy sandwiches to take back with us on the bus though. On the way back, the movie we watched was
Blindside
with actress Sandra Bullock. It was a good movie, but, of course, with the theme of adoption, my mind turned to Kiano.

When I returned Sunday evening, Joshua met me at the door with a big hug and kiss. I could smell the pine-scented aftershave lotion on his skin. It was very masculine.

“I missed you so much,” he said, not letting me go.

“I missed you too.” Although I had fun with the women, it felt good to be back in my husband's arms.

Lilah was already asleep so I had lots of uninterrupted time to tell him about the conference. Although I was a little tired from the trip, my mind was well rested, and for now, that was enough to get me through the night.

Chapter Nineteen

Alex

The next day, Joshua and I got into it again early that morning over a request for payment from the attorney handling Kiano's adoption. It was the same old story. Mr. Nyuoso had asked for his portion of the money, as well as the corresponding filing fees. God knows, if I could've written a blank check, I would've. I wasn't trying to start in on Joshua again, but it bothered me every day that we couldn't get Kiano. Once I had set my mind to something I usually couldn't rest until it was done. Not only were the adoption wheels no longer in motion, but the wheels had fallen completely off the wagon. We were at a stalemate, and I didn't know where to go from here.

“How can I get you to understand how serious this is?” I pleaded.

“I already know how serious it is,” Joshua said.

“I don't really think so. If you did, you'd put more of an emphasis on it.”

“Emphasis?” Joshua sounded like the word stuck in his throat.

“Yeah, I don't even think you're trying to come up with a plan. And this poor little boy is just sitting overseas waiting on us to save his life.”

Joshua looked at me as if I were crazy. “Save his life?”

“Yes, save his life. Mr. Nyuoso said that everything could be done as soon as six months.”

“Come on, Alex. We're not God.”

“I didn't say we were, but we have the ability to help his situation, and ultimately, save his life.” I fought back tears as I spoke.

“Okay, kill the drama, please.” Joshua walked out of the living room.

Now I was really annoyed. How dare he walk away from me while I was making my point. I knew we were overwhelmed with all the fees associated with the international adoption, the travel fees, legal fees, and other expenses, but still I couldn't just give up. There was so much to pay for and so little time. My head had begun to spin at that moment I realized I no longer had any control over Kiano's destiny.

Then I clearly overstepped my boundaries, but I didn't care. I was angry. “Am I the only one concerned here?”

“What else do you want me to do?”

“I want you to
care
, Joshua.” The tears began to fall. “As far as I'm concerned, Kiano is already a part of this family, and I want you to care as much as I do.”

“I do care.” Joshua turned around. “What about you? I think you care more about Kiano than having our own baby.”

“Is that what you think?”

“Sometimes you act like you don't want to have my baby. Maybe
that's
what's wrong.

Maybe
that's
what's holding up the process.” Joshua nodded his head.

“This is not a
process
, Joshua.” I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. “This is our child we're talking about. How can you say that? You know I want this baby.”

“But not more than Kiano. Maybe if you'd stop stressing about him, you'd be pregnant by now.”

“Oh, so now it's all
my
fault. Maybe if you'd stop stressing me out, talking baby for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I'd be pregnant by now.”

“Okay, so it's on me then.” Joshua walked away in a huff.

“Well, if we could afford to just finish the adoption, that would end all of this extra stress.” I didn't want to really go there about our finances, but he backed me into a corner, and I came out swinging.

“I'm doing the best I can.” Joshua stormed out of the house without even saying good-bye.

All of a sudden I felt like we hadn't made any progress in the past weeks. I felt like our little second honeymoon was in vain and so was the women's retreat. How could I be so confident while I was there and so doubtful now that I was back? I felt like giving up, but the only problem with that was that I knew better.
Do not be weary in well doing
. I had a Savior that died on the cross to work everything out for me, and I had to have faith in that, no matter how hard it was. So I picked up my Bible and searched the scriptures for the balm that would make my pain go away.

During lunchtime when I was at work, Joshua called to apologize, but I was numb. I was tired of arguing over the same funky old issues, and I was confused about the real source of all his anger. Then there were the little disappearing acts lately. Even when he was with me, he wasn't really with me. I didn't know where he was going or what he was doing, but I knew something had to give soon. So I decided to stop by to see my sister after work.

As I walked into Push It, I heard easy listening music playing in the background, and I smelled a hint of potpourri. Taylor must've been cleaning again. Whenever she did, the scent would linger in the air for a while. I saw Keith working out near the front. I walked over to him.

“Hi, Keith,” I said.

Keith gave me a big bear hug. “Hi, Alex. How are you?”

“I'm good, thanks.” I tried to look happy. “Where is that crazy sister of mine?”

“Yeah, crazy is right.” Keith pointed, but he didn't smile. “She's over there.”

“Okay, thanks.” I watched him get back to his weight lifting as I walked toward Taylor.

“Come on,” Taylor said.

As soon I approached her, I couldn't hold it in any longer. A tear ran down my face, but I wiped it away with my sleeve.

“Uh-oh. What's wrong now?” Taylor sat on a machine diligently working out her upper body.

“I'm starting to suspect that Joshua is having an affair. He's moody and sneaking around; secret phone calls, frequent unexplained disappearances, and he has hardly laid a hand on me in two weeks.” I jumped on an exercise bike and began to pedal hard.

“Sounds like stress to me.” Taylor continued to exercise.

“I hope you're right, but he won't talk to me. He's just in and out, and he's so angry with me.”

“Angry with you about what?”

“About me working, about Seger working at my job, about money, and Kiano and this baby we're trying to make.” I threw my hands up. “I don't know ... everything.”

Taylor stopped what she was doing. “There has got to be more to it than that. He shouldn't be pressuring you like this over something you have no control of. The baby will come in God's timing.”

Sweat ran down my face and neck. “Oh, look at you calling out God's Word.”

“So we've got jokes ...”

“I'm kidding. But really, I don't know what to do. He has stopped communicating with me.”

“But what about your little weekend away? Wasn't that good?”

“It was really good, but it's like ever since we came back, he's even more secretive and aloof. He's sneaking around, and I just don't know.”

Taylor shook her head. “That ain't good.”

“I don't know what's up with him. I mean, one minute he acts like he's happy. The next minute, it's like he doesn't want to be bothered. I'm tired of it.”

“That doesn't sound like him.”

I stopped pedaling. “Tell me about it.”

Taylor put up one French manicured finger. “Humph. Mood swings, disappearances. Maybe it's substance abuse.”

“Taylor, Joshua doesn't touch any abusive substances.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. The only substances going on in our house is food, and I'm the one that needs to push myself away from the table, not him.”

“Okay, okay. Maybe something is going on at work.”

“It could be something down at the bank, but why wouldn't he tell me?” I thought about that for a moment, and then dismissed it. There was no reason for him not to confide in me if something were going on at work, unless, of course, it was something I disapproved of.

Taylor put up her finger. “Unless it's a woman at the bank.”

“You're not helping,” I said.

“Sorry, but you started it. You're the one who came in here with âmy husband is sneaking around,' so I'm trying to help you unsneak him.” Taylor continued to push herself on the machine.

I shook my head. “I can't believe this is what my life has come to.”

“You've got to find out what's going on,” Taylor said.

“I know, I know.”

“I'm good with men who sneak around.” Taylor cracked her knuckles. “I'll help you catch him.”

“Oh, believe me, I intend to,” I said.

“So what are you going to do?”

“I'm not sure yet, but I'll figure out something. Believe me, I'll find out what Mr. Joshua Benning is hiding.”