Authors: Ashea S. Goldson
Count It All Joy (6 page)
Mama, in all her fifty-five years of wisdom, told me that since Taylor wouldn't trust God, her wild behavior was just her way of dealing with the situation. She clubbed until she couldn't club anymore, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop her. Not until, of course, God intervened, and her life of partying became her prison. I swallowed hard as the pain from the memory faded.
The doctor talked about the radiation oncologist and the results of his treatments so far.
It was a very technical discussion, and I must admit that I tuned out most of it. About two minutes later, Mother Benning started in on us.
“Joshua, I hope you've reconsidered your position, especially since we almost lost your father today.” Mother Benning looked directly at Joshua.
“I'm sorry, Mother, but I haven't,” Joshua said. “I can't.”
Mother Benning stood directly in front of my husband. “Can't? Are you telling me that even seeing your father here in the hospital, you're still not willing to help out?”
“I told you that I'd help out in any way I can, any way other than pastoring KingdomHouse of Prayer Church. I will be too busy pastoring my own church.”
“Oh, please.” Mother Benning waved him away with her hand. “You're barely out of seminary school.”
“Mother, that was just a formality anyway,” Joshua said. “The school didn't call me. Jesus did.”
“You were always so stubbornâjust like your father.”
Bishop Benning tried to sit up in bed. “Get off the boy, Mirriam. Let him be.”
“Are you all right, dear?” Mother Benning ran over to his side.
“I will be when you stop badgering our son.” Bishop Benning, obviously in a lot of discomfort, strained to get out his words.
Mother Benning stroked her husband's hair and didn't say a word. She continued to watch Joshua from the corner of her eye.
I sat and watched my husband look helpless. Not at all the strong-minded man of God I'd married. He looked like a little boy, Mirriam's boy. And I didn't like it not one bit. I liked to think of myself as a strong woman, and I needed my man to be strong, especially against the wiles of the devil. Not that his mother was the devil, but sometimes I thought she let the devil use her more often than any of us wanted to admit.
I mean, none of us had perfect relationships with our parents, and I certainly had my own ups and downs with mine, but I believed in a mother letting her child grow up and live life without constant interference. And that's what Mirriam Benning wasâconstant interference.
I sighed because fate had me in an uproar again. By the time Joshua and I stepped out of the room into the private waiting area, Mother Benning came charging in behind us. I could see her twisted eyebrows a mile away. Was this the first lady whose job was to co-watch over people's souls? I winced at the irony.
Mother Benning bent her lips into an awkward smile and spoke slowly. “I have a proposition for the two of you.” She rubbed her diamond-clad hands together.
Joshua shook his head frantically. “Mother, Iâ”
“Now just hold on. Since you obviously have made up your mind that you want to start a little ministry of your own, and that's okay too ...” Dressed in an all-white wool pantsuit with three-quarter length sleeves, Mother Benning fondled an eye-catching diamond bracelet as she spoke.
Joshua sighed. “Nice of you to acknowledge that.”
She took a deep breath. “Anyway, your father and I could help you with that. We couldâ”
“Oh no. You can't buy me, Mother.”
“Really? Weren't we funding your little international adoption venture? I didn't hear any complaints about that.”
“That's different. That's not a venture. It's a child's life, a human soul,” Joshua said.
“Well, this is your father's life and our life together. Don't you care about that?”
“Of course, I care, but I've explained to you before what I've been called to do. It's been clear for a while now.”
“Oh, I know. I know. That's your calling, you say, to be a little minister in a little local church, to tear down the walls of hypocrisy ...” Mother Benning threw her slim arm into the air. “I've heard it all before.”
“Right.” Joshua sighed. “I want to build my church from the ground up. That's what God told me to do.”
“It's very commendable, son, but not very realistic. Can't you see how desperate we are?
We didn't expect your father to retire so soon. Can't you do both? I mean, have your little church and run Kingdom House at the same time?”
“Mother, please,” Joshua started.
Mother Benning continued. “I can get people to help you, to volunteer, of course, and then you'd be free toâ”
Joshua sighed and rubbed his forehead. “To do what it is you and Dad want me to do?”
“Yes, I'm afraid so,” Mother Benning said.
“I'm sorry. I can't do both. I can help out, but I've got to stay true to the vision that's in my heart.”
Mother Benning poked out her full lips. “Does that vision include your little international adoption?”
I immediately remembered the day Joshua told her that we wanted to adopt Kiano.
Since Joshua was still paying for school along with mounds of debt accumulated by his deceased wife, Mother Benning knew he wouldn't have the extra money necessary to pay all the expensive legal fees. So she stood up boldly and volunteered to help with the cause, saying she'd love to have an addition to the family. She said Lilah would enjoy having a big brother, and that being a grandmother was the best job in the world. Apparently not. All her wordsâliesâswirled around in my head.
Joshua looked her directly in the eyes. “What are you saying?”
“I'm saying that if you won't take over for your father, we'll have to hire someone else,and then I'll be forced to withdraw my financial support for your Kenya project.”
“Mother, you wouldn't.” Joshua put his hands on top of his head.
Mother Benning took out her checkbook and waved it around in his face. “I would. I'll do what I've got to do.”
“I thought this was about doing God's will,” Joshua said.
“Don't tell me about God's will. Was it God's will for your father to fall sick like this? Was it God's will for me to miscarry what would've been your older brother? Maybe he would've been the one to be concerned about his father.”
Joshua looked like he was choking. “Don't do this.” “I'm just protecting my husband's legacy.” Mother Benning didn't hesitate.
“This is blackmail,” Joshua said.
“Call it whatever you like.” She became louder. “You and your little Mother Theresa wife over there don't have a clue about what it takes to build a ministry.”
“Mother Benningâplease don't do this,” I said. Joshua stepped in. “You can't do this to an innocent kid who we've already told that we're adopting.”
“My hands are tied.” Mother Benning put the checkbook away.
I couldn't believe what she was saying. I couldn't believe a woman of God could be so heartless. “We're not just going to sit back and watch you mess up a little boy's life.”
Then Mother Benning's hand went up again in my face. “Sweetie, you're already way out of your league. Stay out of this.”
I sat down, not out of defeat, but out of respect for Joshua.
“Mother, you can't be serious.” Joshua's eyes filled up with tears.
“I'm as serious as a heart attack.” Mother Benning took up her mink coat and walked to the door. “This is about survival of the fittest and may the best man or woman win.”
Chapter Seven
Joshua
Â
The awkward silence in the small off-white waiting area made it seem like a tomb. There were other concerned families in there sitting on the soft gray chairs and waiting, some grieving. Mother seemed oblivious to them all. She seemed to only care about herself, and her agenda.
I was more hurt than angry. “She crossed the line this time.” I couldn't believe that she had all but ignored me up to this point, then threw this mess in my face, threatening me. And even brought up who would have been my older brother in order to guilt me into doing what she wanted. Now that was low, even for Mother. I had to put a stop to that.
“Give her more time,” Alex whispered to me, trying to hold me back.
When Mother returned, I cornered her. “Hasn't this gone too far?”
“On the contrary, son. I'm a winner, so I'm taking this all the way to the finish line,” she said as she walked away.
So that was my life ever since I could remember. Mother would either pout or strong-arm my father into getting whatever she wanted, even to the detriment of everyone else. But it didn't matter. Mother used to say nothing mattered except for the vision.
Vision
is what she called it, and she used it to her advantage, at home and in the political arena also.
Vision
is what she called it, and she used it to her advantage, at home and in the political arena also.
I looked over at my beautiful wife slouched over in the waiting-room chair.
She looked so sad. Maybe she was worried about me. I wanted to put my arms around her and take away her pain, but I couldn't. To be honest, I couldn't even handle my own.
Why couldn't Mother just accept the vision God had given me? Why did things have to always go her way?
Does God favor women over men?
I wished that I could depend on my father for backup, but he was too weak. In his very fragile state, I wondered how badly I'd hurt him when I said no to taking over the church. I knew my mother had probably poisoned his mind against me like she always did. She always knew how to pull his strings.
Does God favor women over men?
I wished that I could depend on my father for backup, but he was too weak. In his very fragile state, I wondered how badly I'd hurt him when I said no to taking over the church. I knew my mother had probably poisoned his mind against me like she always did. She always knew how to pull his strings.
I was too close to having everything I ever wanted. I was married to Alex, was about to adopt an underprivileged child, was finally an ordained minister, and all I needed was a biological son to make it all perfect. I wasn't going to let Mother's selfishness destroy me.
Mother was always serious, but committed to her family in her own controlling way. I knew she loved me, but sometimes I really wondered if she liked me. She had a no-nonsense kind of strictness, yet she wasn't old-fashioned at all. The daughter of attorneys, she believed in change, and sometimes change at all costs. My father, although he himself was a judge and was the son of ministers, he was more laid-back. He was the one who attended all of my high school and college basketball games, while Mother
ran
the community. Although my father was a very powerful man, I knew my mother was the stronger of the two. Even now that he was in his hospital bed, I didn't worry that mother would be fine without him, but I didn't know if my father would be fine without her.
ran
the community. Although my father was a very powerful man, I knew my mother was the stronger of the two. Even now that he was in his hospital bed, I didn't worry that mother would be fine without him, but I didn't know if my father would be fine without her.
When we got home, I just wanted to be alone, but Alex wouldn't let it go. She followed me around the room. “What are we going to do, Joshua?”
Just like a woman, always nagging. I mean, we hadn't been in the house two minutes and Alex was already whining. I didn't have all the answers, and I hated that. So I disappeared into the kitchen where I had left my financials sprawled across the table.
I plopped down in the vinyl chair and buried my head in my hands. Before I could lift my head I heard the sound of Alex's gentle footsteps.
“I don't think we can do it. There's just too much going on,” I said.
“Too much going on? Do what?”
“The Kiano thing.” I threw my hands into the air.
“Where are we going to come up with the money for the adoption, along with paying for my last quarter in school and all these bills Deâ” I stopped before I went any further.
“No, go ahead and finish. It won't offend me. All these bills Delilah left you. That's what you were going to say, right? And shouldn't she have had life insurance to cover some of her debt anyway?”
“Believe it or not, I did use some of it for that, but most of it went toward her funeral and moving expenses. Plus it took me a minute to find a job here in New York City after Lilah and I moved.”
“I understand all of that.”
“I just don't know if we can swing this international thing anymore. It's very expensive.” I cringed at the thought that my own mother had added to this pressure.
“It was always expensive,” Alex said.
“And you know my mother won't help us with the adoption expenses anymore, not that she should have to ...”
“I know she doesn't have to, but she promised.” Alex blinked her eyes to hold back tears.
“We promised too.”
“I know, and I'm sorry.”
“Sorry? You should've been sorry when Delilah was using up all your money buying her authentic Gucci wardrobe.” Alex's piercing stare made me uncomfortable. “Look, I apologize. I don't want to be mean. It's just that Kiano means a lot to me, and I made him a promise.
We
made him a promise. We can't go back on that now.”
We
made him a promise. We can't go back on that now.”
I stood up and pulled her close to me. “Alex, you're right, and I am sorry. I never wanted to bring you into this mess. I should've paid all my debts off before we even got engaged. It's just that when I met you, my whole world changed, and I didn't want to wait for my finances to change too.”
“I know.”
“No, you don't know. After Delilah, I wasn't sure I could love again ...” I was holding back so Alex wouldn't see how weak I really was.
“It'll be okay. Maybe I can do some overtime, take on more hours for a while or something.” Alex smiled and patted me on the shoulder. “Who knows?”
“No way. Not my wife.”
“But Joshua ...”
“This discussion is over.” I left the room while I could still stand myself.
It hurt my heart to hear my wife talk like this when all I wanted was to be a good provider, a good husband, and father. And I really wanted Alex to stay home and be a good mother. It was just this whole money thing turned upside down. It was bad enough she had to even work part-time, but the thought of her having to work extra hours really made me upset. I was supposed to take care of everything so she could concentrate on carrying my baby. I needed God to help me get a grip on things. I needed a grip fast.
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