Count It All Joy (2 page)

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Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

BOOK: Count It All Joy
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When I saw him I ran over and wrapped my arms around him. He squeezed me so tight around my waist I almost lost my balance. Then he jumped into my arms and I held him.
“You're back.” Kiano's dark eyes danced in the sunlight.
“I told you I would be,” I said.
“You really came back. I'm so happy now.”
“I'm happy too. And look, I not only came back, but I brought my husband with me this time.”
Kiano's smile disappeared. “Husband?”
“Yes, I'm married now.” I showed him my wedding ring. “This is my husband, Joshua.”
Joshua stepped forward and kneeled down to Kiano's eye level. “I've heard a lot about you, big guy.”
“Hello.” Kiano cast his eyes downward.
“No need to be shy. Come on over and give me a hug too.” Joshua held out his arms.
“I've heard so much about you I feel like I know you already.”
Hesitantly, Kiano climbed out of my arms and went over to hug Joshua.
We spent the rest of the afternoon together, explaining to Kiano that we wanted to adopt him, but that the process would take awhile. Needless to say, we made his day and his lifetime all at once. Before we left, we were arm in arm discussing the adoption, and the plans we had for our family.
“But I don't want you two to leave me here.” Kiano started to cry.
“We'll be back, I promise.” It was so hard to say good-bye. Tears were welling up in my eyes also.
“We will be back for you soon, we promise,” Joshua said.
I looked at my husband and with the strength of his words, both Kiano and I wiped our tears away. It was funny how a simple promise made it all better.
By the time we actually started walking toward the exit, Joshua started rubbing my shoulders and talking about all that baby stuff again. I was hearing him, but my mind was far away.
“It'll be so nice to have Kiano, Lilah, and the new baby—”
“Come on now. Give me a chance to settle in with Lilah and Kiano before you start saddling me down with more babies,” I said, cutting him off.
Joshua smiled and gave my shoulder a little squeeze. “At least one more.”
“But can I catch my breath first? I mean, I'm gonna be the mother of three kids.” I gasped. “Wow.”
“Yep. I can't wait.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled. “I see.”
“I can't wait to have another baby.” He touched my stomach.
Since I had recently worked so hard to get rid of the excess flab, I slapped his hand away.
He growled. “Ouch. That hurt.”
“Well, there's more where that came from. I just got my abs down to the size they are now.” I twirled around showing off my newly toned figure. “Please don't mess a sister up.”
“Don't worry about that, you're beautiful.”
“That's easy for you to say. You're not the one that has to carry around an eight-pound baby.”
Joshua laughed and shook his head. “Got that right.”
I playfully punched him in the arm, and we let the conversation wean itself off like stars in the dusk.
I remembered how I used to be in such bondage, worrying about my mistakes as if Jesus didn't die on the cross for my future, present, and my past. Today I was a different woman than I was then. Even though I wanted babies, my past was trying to manifest a new fear in me, the fear of conceiving and carrying Joshua's child.
As we were walking out the front door of the orphanage, we ran into Seger again.
As if once wasn't already enough, I sighed at the thought of having to stroke my husband's delicate ego one more time. Humph, men.
Seger smiled with milky white teeth. “Well, Sister Alex and Deacon ... uh ...”
“Joshua.” Joshua's chest rose and fell.
“Yes, Joshua. It's good to see you again.” Seger extended his hand and Joshua shook it in an obligatory way.
“Nice to see you too, Seger,” I said.
“I won't be in Kenya much longer. Just a couple more months and it's back to the States for me,” Seger chuckled.
I remembered our missions work together. “Oh, your mission assignment will be over?”
“Yes, yes. I'll be heading back home to the U.S.” Seger didn't take his eyes off of me.
“Mmm.” Joshua glared at Seger. “I thought that Kenya was your home.”
“Yes, I was born here, but I was raised in the States.” Seger turned to face Joshua.
Suddenly Seger turned back to me. “Have you seen Kiano?”
“Yes.” I could feel myself glowing with the thought of being Kiano's mother. “We're going to adopt him.”
“Really? That's wonderful.” Seger looked back and forth at our faces. “He always wanted to be adopted so badly.”
Joshua squinted his chestnut-brown eyes. “Oh, so you know Kiano too?”
Seger turned to look Joshua straight in the eyes. “Yes, yes. Alex and I spent a lot of time with him, and the other kids too, of course.”
“Right,” Joshua said.
Eventually, Seger turned away from Joshua's stare. “I'm sure he couldn't ask for better parents.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Yeah, thanks,” Joshua yawned.
“Well, take care of yourselves. I've got missionary duties.” Seger, probably sensing the tension, gave a quick wave and disappeared through the orphanage doors.
I smiled politely, and let out a semi deep breath now that he was gone.
Joshua took me by the hand and spun me around.
“Why didn't you tell me you and Seger were involved with Kiano?” Joshua squinted his brown eyes.
“We weren't involved with him. But we did serve the orphans together, all of the orphans. Sometimes Kiano just got a little more attention than the others. It wasn't intentional.”
“I'll bet.”
“Now, what's that supposed to mean? Would you have preferred we ignore Kiano and all the orphans?”
Joshua took a step back. “Of course not. But you could've given me a heads-up that you and Seger had a special relationship with him.”
“We had special relationships with a lot of kids. We worked together with them for many weeks. I told you about that.”
Joshua gritted his teeth. “But you and he apparently had a special one with this particular kid.”
“Okay, so does that change anything?”
“No, but I wish you had told me,” Joshua sighed.
“Well, I didn't think it was important at the time.” I threw my hands into the air in mock surrender. “I'm sorry.”
Joshua grabbed one of my hands as it was coming down. “I'm sorry too. Is there anything else you're hiding about you and Seger?”
Chapter Two
Alex
 
Two days later as I lay in my bed, I still had a bad taste in my mouth from Joshua's question and the mean look on his face when he asked it. Despite his quick apology, my own personal time in prayer, and a seventeen-hour plane ride from the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport to the JFK Airport, the sting of his words still rang in my ears. I was confident that with being back in New York now, away from Seger, the added tension from his presence would be alleviated from my marriage.
With the window open, the fall breeze brushed against my skin. Fall was undoubtedly my favorite time of year. I looked over at Joshua and saw that he was still asleep. The alarm clock hadn't gone off yet, so I decided to let him have his last fifteen minutes of sleep while I showered. Under the refreshing spray, I thought about my twin sister, Taylor. Now that I was back in the States and back to my trendy downtown Brooklyn neighborhood, I could hardly wait to see her. Ever since the car accident impaired her ability to walk, she had become a different person, a better person, and I missed her. I smiled at the thought of her finally using a walker and at the thought that she had finally found someone to love. By the time I came out smelling of tangerine body splash, Joshua was waiting for me, wearing only his little satin robe.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” Joshua greeted.
“Morning.” I took his hand and led him to the kitchen while he groped me at every chance. After fixing a hot breakfast of grits and eggs with cheese, and serving orange juice, I sat down to join him at the table.
The sun flowed through the pastel blue curtains and onto the white lacquer table. I made a note to myself that I had to change the decor ASAP. Now that I was the woman of the house, definite changes were going to have to be made, starting with this dull kitchen.
“What's on the agenda for today?”
“I'll be at the bank 'til five. Then I have my class at Missionary.”
“Yep, your last one. Aren't you excited? Can you believe it's almost over?”
“I can't wait.” Joshua filled his mouth with grits. “Can't wait to minister.”
It was already October, and Joshua only had two months more of Bible school. He had worked extremely hard over the past few years, both at the bank and in school, and I was very proud of his accomplishments.
“I can't wait to be a minister's wife.” I leaned against him, smiling.
“Just a couple of months, and then I'll be able to preach anywhere.”
“Yep, Missionary Church, your parents' church, and one day soon you'll be preaching at our own church.”
“Hold on, Mrs. Benning. I haven't gotten that far yet.” Joshua tapped me playfully on the head. “I'm taking one day at a time.”
“Well, don't tell your mama that.”
Joshua smiled. “That woman is impossible.”
“You didn't hear it from me.” I laughed as I stuffed my last forkful of eggs into my mouth.
“By the way, when is Lilah coming home? I mean, your mother has had her ever since before we left for our honeymoon.”
“I'm sure she'll bring her home soon.”
“No, but seriously though, I think that your mother is poisoning her against me.”
Joshua laughed. “What? You're paranoid?”
“No, I'm not. I can feel it.”
“Lilah will be home soon, and you and her will be as close as mother and daughter can be.”
I put my hands on my size twelve hips. “Really? Are you sure she's not afraid of sending her home to the wicked stepmother?”
“No, it's not that at all. Mom is not so bad, you'll see.”
Given our history, I wasn't too sure about that.
 
There I was down at Missionary Bible Institute, walking down the long stretch to Dr. Harding's office. I felt much better about working here now since I had come to grips with my past and my purpose. Thankfully, Dr. Harding agreed to let someone else handle public relations while I worked at my same office job. I needed a job with less responsibility until I finished the classes necessary for me to receive my teacher certification. It was a good deal, but sometimes when I was really bored, I wondered why I turned down the more glamorous position. It didn't matter though. Before I knew it, I would be teaching and that was all that mattered.
Besides, if I was going to be a mother to Lilah, I needed a less demanding schedule anyway. My new part-time hours were the perfect arrangement for my new family duties, even though I hadn't fully tried the mother role yet. Joshua and I had only been married for two weeks. Then Joshua was tripping, always all over me, talking about having a baby. Was this brother crazy? Didn't he realize that we were newlyweds and that there was plenty of time for that?
I slapped my girl Marisol a high five. “What's going on, girl?”
“Hey, lady. How are you?”
“I'm good.” I leaned across Marisol's oak desk.
She winked at me. “I'll bet you are.”
“Don't start.”
“Well, how is married life?”
I gave her a big cheesy grin.
“That's what I thought. Too bad Joshua doesn't have a brother.”
My girl, Marisol,
I laughed to myself. “It's good to be back.”
“Yeah, I thought you were gone for good when you turned down that PR gig.”
“Well, that public relations position would've really been something, but all I want to do is eventually get certified to teach, so this is fine for now. Dr. Harding agreed to let me come back part-time.” I stood up straight and tucked my blouse back into my skirt.
Marisol put both her elbows on her desk. “Oh, part-time?”
“Yes, and that schedule works well with me going back to school in the spring, and with my new motherhood role.”
“Of course. How is Lilah anyway?”
“She's doing good, thanks.” I pulled her close and whispered in her ear. “But that husband of mine wants me to get pregnant right away.”
“Wow, he doesn't waste any time, does he?”
“No.” I laughed. “I mean, Joshua has lost his natural mind.”
“Girl, I could live with that if I were you.”
I gave Marisol a fake punch in the arm. “Traitor.”
“I'm just saying,” Marisol giggled as I walked away. “I'm just glad you're back,
chica
. I missed you.”
“I missed you too, girl,” I said.
The rest of the day went fairly well, considering it was my first day back at the office.
As soon as I had a break I called my sister to check up on her. Although, we engaged in frivolous conversation, I detected pain in her voice.
“What's wrong, Tay?” I leaned back in the swivel chair.
“Nothing.” Taylor paused. “I'm okay.”
I wondered what was bothering her. “Are you and Keith going anywhere special tonight?”
“Nope, I'll be solo tonight,” Taylor said.
“Oh. Well, do you need me to come over?”
Taylor's voice wavered. “Naw, girl. You better stay there with yo' new hubby and make him happy. I'm fine.”
“No really, I can ...” I started.
Taylor snorted. “I'm okay. Just go home and do your thing.”
“Okay, but if you need anything, you let me know,” I said.
“I'm still me, so you know I will.”
“You're right about that,” I laughed. “Talk to you later.”
“Bye.” Taylor hung up the phone.
I clicked off my cell and put it into my purse. Knowing my sister, I knew something was wrong. I made up my mind that I'd have to pry it out of her later.
It wasn't until evening that things began to get complicated. After Joshua returned homefrom work, we sat in the living room, wrapped in my favorite flannel blanket, cuddling. We discussed his plans for starting an urban-contemporary church after he graduated, my plans for graduate school in the summer, plans for expanding the Young Women's Giving Life Ministry, and, of course, our plans for expanding our family. That's where it got really tricky. I closed my eyes every time he brought up the subject of having a baby with me.
I really wanted to give Joshua what he wanted, and what he deserved, although I whole heartedly believed he was moving too fast. My own immediate goals were to adopt Kiano and work on developing our ministries before I committed to carrying a child. Adoption was one thing, but the physical demands of having a baby were more than I was willing to deal with. Sure, I knew that motherhood was full-time responsibility no matter what my schedule was, and whether I actually delivered a biological child. It was that serious for me.
Mama always said a woman didn't have no business having babies if she wasn't ready to take care of them. So that was it for me. I wanted to make my mark in the Kingdom of God first.
As Joshua came up behind me and touched my shoulder, I shivered, and not with passion but with fear. Maybe it was fear telling me I wasn't ready. In any case, he had insisted that I stop taking my newly prescribed birth control pills so the heat was on.
When the doorbell rang, expecting it to be my mother-in-law, I pried myself away from Joshua, straightened my blue cotton skirt suit, and hoped I looked good enough. Then I opened the door to Mother Benning and Lilah.
“Hello, dear.” Mother Benning kissed me on the cheek.
I looked down and there was Lilah. I reached out my arms to hug her. “Hi, sweetie, how are you?”
“Fine.” Lilah ran across the room and jumped into Joshua's arms. “Dad, I had so much fun at Big Mommy's house.”
There was that word again. Maybe if Mother Benning wasn't so much of a “Big Mommy,” I'd have half of a chance to be “Mommy.” I dropped my arms and sighed deeply, not that anyone probably noticed.
Mother Benning unbuttoned her navy blue, fitted suit jacket and held it out for me to take. I took it and motioned for her to come into the living room.
“Can I get you something to eat or drink?” I made sure to make eye contact and smile.
“Maybe just some coffee, dear.” Mother Benning sat down on the leather couch.
I walked to the kitchen to put a pot of coffee on. I hoped it would be good enough for her. Somehow I pictured her more of an herbal tea or latte drinker. Joshua loved raspberry tea himself, and I did the occasional mocha latte. Diet Coke was actually my drink of choice.
By the time I came back into the living room, Joshua and his mother were already huddled together on the couch. Lilah sat on the floor playing with her doll. I walked over to Mother Benning and served her coffee.
“Excuse me.” I held the serving tray in front of my dear mother-in-law. “Sugar or cream?”
“No, thank you, dear. I'll take it straight black.” Joshua's mom took her cup and put it down on the center table. “I don't know how to tell you this.”
“What are you trying to say, Mom?” Joshua repositioned himself on the couch.
I gave Lilah a cup of apple juice. Next I walked around to Joshua and served him a cup of his favorite tea. He smiled and mouthed a quick “Thanks.” I could tell something serious was going on because the atmosphere had changed. So I lured Lilah to her room and quickly returned, perching myself on the arm of the couch next to Joshua.
Mother Benning looked into Joshua's eyes. “Joshua, your father is very ill.”
Joshua looked directly at his mother without blinking. “What's wrong with him?”
Mother Benning looked away for a moment as if she were holding back tears. “It's prostate cancer.”
Joshua dropped his head in his hands and dropped his voice to a whisper. “How long have you known?”
“We've known for a while now; but I've been waiting for the right time to tell you.”
Mother Benning took a sip of her coffee.
Joshua raised his eyebrows. “The right time?”
“Yes. We knew you'd be graduating soon so we were trying to wait until then,” she said. “Unfortunately, his condition has deteriorated even in the past few weeks.”
“I wish you had told me sooner.” Joshua took his mother's hand. “Don't worry about me. I can handle this.”
“We didn't want it to be a strain on you with all you're already dealing with.” Mother Benning peeked around at me and smiled.
She'd only been here about twenty minutes and already she was pushing it. Yet, I forced my lips to remain closed. No drama tonight I promised myself.

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