Cowboy Country (37 page)

Lena opened a drawer next to the sink and withdrew a towel and dried the plate, placing it back in the cupboard. “I’m sorry honey, but he means well.”

“That’s all well and good, but I won’t stand for it. He’s not going to boss me around.” She scrubbed the plate in her hands with a vengeance.

Lena reached into the suds and took her hand. “He’s having a hard time coming to grips with his life.”

“That’s not my fault.” Regina didn’t mean to snap, but her frustration seemed to be dominating her mouth lately.

“Nobody said it was. But think of it from his point of view. All the decisions he’s made over the past several years are now coming back to haunt him.”

“Again, it’s not on me.” She sniffed, determined not to cry.

“Are you going to tell me you honestly think he’d have made the same decision, knowing the outcome?”

Damn it. Leave it to Lena to make her see the truth, and try to fix things. “Okay—I get it…but in this case hindsight isn’t going to fix a blasted thing. It’s about dealing with what did happen, and he has no right to be dictating anything to me. I’m not his wife. Hell, I’m not even his girlfriend anymore.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re back together now and nothing has really changed, not if you think this through with a clear head. You love him, he loves you, you have a precious daughter, and now you’re all together. If anything, regardless of how it feels, you’re on the best road to figuring it out. ”

“How do you do it, Lena? You turn everything into a positive no matter how negative it is.”

“Honey, life is too damn short to spend it angry and miserable. What is it you’re really mad about? Do you realize just how easily the results could have been different?”

“What do you mean?”

“Now who’s being ridiculous?”

“What? Me?” Regina’s mouth dropped open. She didn’t like being called ridiculous.

“Yes you. For the past five years you’ve refused to get over my son, turned down every chance to date somebody else. You know you’ve been waiting for him to come home so you could get back together with him. You’ve invested almost fifteen years of your life with him and now you’re pushing him away. Why?”

“I—uh—ah.”

“I’m waiting. Could it be that it’s your pride that’s in pain, not your heart? Think about it. How very easily it could have been Sterling who died and not one of his men.”

Regina gave Lena a sidelong glance. Put that way, hell she wasn’t sure. “I don’t know. It just feels so damn wrong. He goes off and does his thing. Honestly, if he wasn’t injured I’m not sure when he would have ever come home. Sure, I’m hurt, but damn it, he has no right to come back here now, and start telling me what to do. He made his decisions and he owes me the respect of allowing me to make mine as well.”

“I agree. You know as well as I do that men don’t think like us. Hell, they’re selfish, at times condescending, and the majority of the time I question if they really do have brains. Do you honestly think I’m clueless about all the men in this family? I’m not. But the one thing I’ve learned since I was your age is that nothing in life is guaranteed and it’s your decision to be angry or to find a way to be happy.”

“That’s easy for you to say, you’ve got it all. A perfect marriage, a man you love, a family, a home…you want for nothing. Why is it so bizarre to want it too?”

Lena threw hear head back and laughed. When she got herself under control, she shook her head. “You need to come on down from the clouds. Perfect marriage—sorry honey, they don’t exist.”

“Really? Because from where I’m standing that’s what you and Nate have.”

“Silly girl. How can you truly believe that after being in this insane asylum as long as you have?”

“But you’re the most positive person I know. You have it all.”

“If you think that, I have a tropical island to sell you, dirt cheap.” Lena chuckled some more.

“But—”

“No buts about it. Marriage is nothing but a compromise. If we look perfect to you, then you’ve been ignorant or blind to our problems.”

Regina snorted. “What problems, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“When Nathan and I were first married, we had a difficult time learning to live together. We were both only children, each used to getting our way. Our first year of marriage was the best and worst year of my life. We almost split up.”

“You’re kidding?”

“No I’m not. We had to learn
how
to talk to each other, learn how to hear the other person, to understand that we were in a partnership and compromise was the key.”

“What happened?”

“At one point I got to feeling as if I didn’t matter to Nathan—that I was just there to take over where his mother left off. My feelings were hurt, I felt like an idiot because I thought I’d found my happily ever after only to have it taken away. Nathan came in from planting to find me packing. I was in the process of going home to my folks.”

“What? No!”

“Yes. That was the first time I ever saw Nathan cry. When we finally talked it out, he felt like a failure because he couldn’t make me happy. I told him he already had a mother. That I wanted to be his wife and partner, his equal.”

“But you are. You two work together on everything.”

“We do now, but not in the beginning, He wasn’t the only one that was wrong. I was to blame too. He was thinking about himself and I was thinking about myself. We weren’t acting as a couple. It took time to get there.”

 “That’s my point exactly. Where do I fit in with Sterling? Because I seriously have no idea. He’s so busy telling me to quit my job, pushing me to move in with him. Not once has he bothered to tell me he loves me. Not once has he mentioned he wants to marry me. His attitude is more that I owe him…not that he wants me. What about me? Damnit! Even though we broke up, I’ve been waiting patiently for him to get his precious military out of his system and come home to me. Sure he’s here now, but not of his own accord.”

“See that’s my point. Does it really matter more why he’s here—more than the fact that he
is
here?”

“Yeah, I think it does. We don’t stand a chance in hell if he can’t respect my wishes.”

Lena patted her arm. “I agree, but you also have to learn to pick your battles. I’m not saying give in to him. I’m saying use your brilliant female mind and get exactly what you want, without causing added angst to an already volatile situation.”

“Come again.” Regina frowned. What was Lena getting at?

“Think about it. You’re angry at him for breaking up with you and for not coming home, but you didn’t tell him about Silver. Seems to be that’s about as black of a pot as you can get. You both made decisions that affected others. You can choose to get beyond it and make a wonderful life for yourselves or you and keep pointing fingers and be miserable. What kind of a future do you really want? One where you’re right or one filled with happiness?”

“What do I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I love him to death, but that man needs a lesson.”

“So give him one and make it count. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get what you want as well.”

This was the first time in all the years she’s known Lena that she’d truly opened up to her. There was also sneaky gleam in Lena’s eye. She was up to something. “I’m listening.”

“First, I want you to go home and read any and all the letters you got from Sterling. Maybe go through your photo albums from high school back when you were a couple. Remind yourself how much you love him and that your love is worth fighting for. Then think about what it is you really want. What you don’t seem to realize is that you hold all the power right now. He wants you to be together, a family…the bargaining chips are in your hands. Use that knowledge to your advantage.”

“That’s it? I thought you had something concrete in mind?”

“Oh, I—just leave the rest to me.”

“Why am I suddenly worried now?” Regina felt a shiver run down her spine. In all the years she’d known the family, she’d never known Lena to have a vengeful side.

“Don’t worry your pretty head.” Lena pushed her away from the sink, handed her a dish towel to wipe her hands then shoved her out the door. “Why don’t you scoot on home and have some time to yourself. I’ll have Darcy bring Silver home later.”

“Fine. Are you sure you don’t want help with those dishes?”

“No thank you. Dishes are how I work out my problems. It’s my therapy.”

“Then it’s a good thing you have plenty. I’ll see you tomorrow after work when I pick up Silver. Let me know if you need me to stop at the market before I leave at three.”

“Will do, but I’m good for now.”

“Thanks for listening.”

“That’s my job.”

She hugged Lena. “You’re the best.”

“Scoot,” Lena said, with a cheerful smile on her face.

Maybe Lena was right.

Regina needed this time to herself.

The drive home went faster than she anticipated, in fact she didn’t remember a bit of it, her mind on Sterling and how to get their relationship back in check. That’s what she wanted, Sterling home and happy, ready for the next phase of their lives.

After fixing a cup of Irish Tea, she took it into her bedroom and set it on the nightstand then went to the closet and removed a box from the shelf and set it on her bed. She touched the pillow that still had the lingering scent of Sterling’s aftershave on it. She couldn’t resist, she brought the pillow to her face and breathed in the essence she loved and lived for. With her arms around the pillow, tucked against her chest she went through the box.

All Sterling’s letter, cards, and a conglomeration of tokens he’d given her over the years. From her very first Valentine card to a framed four-leaf-clover Sterling found and framed for her. Love notes he’d left in her locker as well as silly poems he wrote for her. She pulled them out one at a time, remembering the moments, feeling the love he’d so readily given her back then. Tears fell with each treasured memory. These same treasures could also be a Pandora’s Box if she chose to hold onto her anger.

Lena was right. She had to let go.

She started with the first letter she received from Sterling at boot camp. Oh how her heart had ached for him, missed him, longed to be in his arms again. She’d gone to his graduation, after AIC, how proud she’d been of his accomplishments. Sterling had stood ramrod straight, in his uniform, looking stern and formidable. She had no doubt he’d excel above the others. He was a Bronco after all.

And then things changed. He’d come home for a brief leave and broke up with her, telling everyone that he wouldn’t be able to communicate with them due to his next phase of Ranger training. He’d said he couldn’t go into it, but that he didn’t want them to worry.

Worry was exactly what she’d done. Worried, cried, not to mention the anger she’d held in check not understanding why he couldn’t write. But she’d trusted him implicitly then. She still did.

That lone admission wiped away the majority of her anger. She realized now he broke up to save her heartache and to protect her, not because he didn’t love her.

She felt stupid and selfish to realize that most of what she felt, even now, was hurt…as if she hadn’t mattered. Again, she knew him better than that. It wasn’t the case, she was sure of it. So now what?

As she went through the last couple of letters she received on her birthdays and Christmas, words of the past and memories of them, littered the pages. No way had he forgotten about her. And, he sporadically shared new experiences with her, promotions and achievements.

Sterling was no longer the boy who enlisted—he’d turned into a confident capable soldier. She was so damned proud of him. A man who took responsibility, training of his men, and the added responsibility of making sure he returned them to their families.

And the way he felt about his men, she also had to admit that he must have been devastated about the two lives lost in the blast that ended his career. She’d been so focused on his injuries she’d forgotten about those other men. He must have been driven about mad over the whole incident considering he was the ranking officer in charge. It must have torn him up inside.

A little late, but she got it now. But she missed him so much, as if there were a giant hole in her heart, the size of the Grand Canyon that still hadn’t healed.

She had blamed Sterling all along for deserting her when she’d found out she was pregnant, and subsequently when her parents kicked her out and then left town, leaving her even more alone. They said she embarrassed and humiliated them, that they could no longer face their friends. She had no idea where they were even today.

She’d slept in her car until Lena broke her arm. Then she’d moved to the ranch to help out the family. She’d also gone to work at the restaurant and become a damn fine cook. In addition, with the help of Lena, Fiona, and Maeve, she gained the confidence to start entering jams, pies, and other baked goods in the fair, and won.

She paid her bills, created a home, and raise one very precious little girl. And she’d done it on her own.

Over time the letters gradually changed. Sterling omitted details about his missions. His sparse letters became colder, more caustic in tone. It was in that moment that she realized he had refrained from sharing in an attempt to protect her.

How had she missed this at the time when it was so obvious to her now?

She cried herself to sleep, the memories had reminded her of all the reasons she loved him. The same reasons she vowed to pour every ounce of her energies into fixing things with Sterling and making their future exactly what they’d always talked about.

The home they’d build, the family they’d have, the horses he wanted to raise, and the business he’d planned.

It had been there all along, only she’d been too angry and resentful to see it clearly.

****

Silver’s mouth dropped open, stunned by what her grandmother said. First because it was the first time she’d ever heard her grandmother swear. And second, it scared her that two of Daddy’s men had died. Her eyes stung, filling with tears. It could have been Daddy.

Aunt Darcy put her hand over Silver’s mouth and yanked her back, hiding them behind the opened kitchen door just before Mommy rushed through on her way out of the house.