Cowgirls Don't Cry (39 page)
“Casper had half a dozen girls on the string at any given time. So I became the type of girl he couldn’t resist.” She paused for effect. “Easy. He’d come to me after his pretty, clever, charming little girlfriends wouldn’t put out. He came to me often because I’d do anything in bed he wanted. Any time, any place.
“This went on for about six months. At first I believed I could get him to fall for me. That our bedroom romps would make him like me. Would make him willing to have me on his arm in public, instead of just his dirty little bedroom secret. I dreamed he’d take me dancing. Or out for dinner. But like most nineteen-year-old girls, I was naïve. I’d heard a rumor from my friends that Casper was getting serious with a woman from Spearfish. One night I snuck into his favorite bar and watched them. She was one of those beautiful blondes, curvy body, perfect face, life of the party. She was everything I wasn’t. I knew Casper was head over heels in love with her. I knew after the first time he took her to bed I’d never see him again.”
Jessie held her breath.
“So I lied. I told my father I was pregnant. Told him I’d been sneaking around with Casper McKay for months. My father went directly to Jed McKay and demanded his son do the right thing and marry me.”
“And he did.”
“Yes. I was happy. Obviously Casper was not. I’d hoped I’d get pregnant for real right away and ours wouldn’t be a relationship based on a lie. When four months passed and I wasn’t showing, I faked a miscarriage. It was a lot easier to do in those days. Ten years passed before I got pregnant and by year five Casper figured out I’d tricked him.”
She felt sick. Everything was clicking into place but it didn’t make it easier to accept or understand.
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Joan reached for her coffee and drank before continuing. “He flew into a rage and said I’d ruined his life, which was probably true. It was the only time he ever hit me. He left and didn’t come back for a week.
And when he came back, he was a different man entirely.
“I was so…grateful he hadn’t thrown me out and so relieved he still wanted to bed me, that I lived solely for him to make up for the lie and the trouble I’d caused. Like any man, he got used to using me doing everything for him, never questioning him. By the time we started having the boys, he’d turned into bitter. He took out his frustration with how his life turned out on them—as a punishment to me, not to them, because he knew how much I loved our sons. He ostracized his brothers. And I was still too afraid that he’d leave me, proving every fear I’d ever had about my worth, so I did nothing. I kept my mouth shut.
For years.”
“What changed?”
“Luke died. And Casper has become more bitter, if that’s possible. When we found out about Landon…” Joan turned around but she wouldn’t look Jessie in the eye. “It sliced me to the quick to discover that Brandt didn’t trust me with Luke’s child. Not because I’d be cruel to the boy, but because I wouldn’t stop Casper from being the same way to Landon that he’d been to his own sons.”
God. This was so ugly. So unnecessary.
“These are my mistakes, Jessie, and I’ve owned up to them. But the final straw? When Casper told Brandt to choose between the ranch and you. When he told me that our child would never be welcome in our home again. When he told me he never wanted to see Brandt again.” Joan lifted her head and met Jessie’s gaze. “I won’t lose another son. I won’t lose Tell or Dalton either. I can’t do this anymore.”
Was Joan looking for a place to stay? Or just moral support? Jessie wasn’t sure and didn’t want to make a misstep with Brandt’s mother after she’d reached out to her. “What are you going to do?”
“I’ve already done it. I’ve left my husband.”
Jessie’s mouth fell open in shock. “What?”
“I should’ve done it long ago. So when he raced over to talk to his brothers after cutting Brandt off, I packed up and lit out.”
“Where did you go?”
“I’ve been bouncing between Carolyn’s, Kimi’s and Vi’s. They’ve rallied around me, which has been nice. But…” She sighed. “It’s time I moved on. We’ve been miserable together for so long, maybe we have a chance to find happiness if we’re apart.”
“But where will you go now?”
“I’m going to Casper.” Joan expelled a nervous laugh. “Funny, huh? That I’m leaving Casper to go to Casper? After I found out about Samantha and Landon, I visited Samantha in jail a few times. Poor thing doesn’t have anyone in her life she can rely on. She needs help and she’s accepted my offer to be there for
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her and Landon. He’s such an unexpected joy. I haven’t had much joy in my life lately. At sixty-two years old I feel I’m due.”
“Will you be living with them?”
She shook her head. “Close by. I’ve got a cousin who’s agreed to let me stay with her temporarily. I don’t know how long I’ll be staying there. Luckily I won’t need to get a job, not that I’m qualified for more than cookin’ and cleanin’ anyway, because I’ve got the ‘mad’ money I’ve been saving.”
“Mad money?” Was that like…egg money or something?
“Every time Casper got mad about something, I put a dollar in the jar. You can imagine I’ve got a tidy pile after forty years.”
That did cause Jessie to smile. Until she realized she might be the first one Joan had confided in.
“Does Brandt know you’re leaving?”
“Yes. I talked to Dalton and Tell last night and I stopped at Brandt’s house right before I came over here.”
Her heart leapt at the mention of Brandt’s name. “Oh. So he’s home then? Not at the ranch?”
“Why would he be at the ranch?”
“Because…hasn’t Brandt…I mean—”
spit it out, Jessie,
“—he hasn’t…Fine. I haven’t seen or heard from him so I thought he’d already made his choice.”
Joan placed her hand on Jessie’s forearm in such an uncharacteristically loving gesture Jessie’s heart stalled. This couldn’t be good. “Jessie. Brandt loves you. There never was any question in anyone’s mind who he’d choose. Including his father’s.”
Before relief swept through her fully, she demanded, “Then why haven’t I seen him for four days?”
“Maybe you oughta be asking him that, instead of me.”
Jessie realized Joan was exactly right. No more of this giving him time, waiting around for him to come his senses bullshit. The old Jessie would stand around and wring her hands and wait for him to come to her. The new Jessie, the Jessie who’d found the man of her heart and soul, needed to go to him first. As soon as humanly possible. “Thank you.”
“No. Thank you for listening to me babble. It actually felt good to get that off my chest.” She frowned. “But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell Brandt or his brothers.”
“I won’t. It’ll be just between us girls.”
Joan did the oddest thing: she tugged Jessie against her for a fierce hug. She whispered, “I’m sorry. I hope you’ll give me another chance to be part of your lives. I like you, Jessie. I’d like to get to know you.
I’d like to put all that bullshit from the past aside and start fresh.”
Jessie said, “That sounds like a great plan, Joan,” and really meant it.
As Joan McKay drove off, Jessie finally realized what was different about the woman. She actually looked…happy for a change.
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Jessie wanted that same happiness for herself. Dammit. She deserved it.
And the only way to get it was to take it.
After she changed into work clothes, she hitched the empty horse trailer to her truck and headed out.
Butterflies danced in her belly as she drove down the long driveway leading to Brandt’s house. By the time she reached the banks of snow piled by the deck, Brandt stood on the steps, waiting for her.
“Jess? What are you doin’ here with a horse trailer?”
She scaled the stairs in one step and got right in his face. “Did you mean what you said? When you told me you loved me and wanted to marry me?”
“Yes. But—”
“Did you tell your dad to take a flyin’ leap as far as the ranch is concerned?”
“Yes. But—”
“In the past four days when you haven’t contacted me
at all
,” she lightly cuffed him in the arm, “have you had any regrets about anything that’s been going on between us in the last few months?”
“No. But—”
“Good. Then what are you waiting for? Let’s get your stuff packed up and loaded in the trailer so we can take it back to my place.”
Brandt circled her biceps, stopping her. “Whoa. Wait a second. Do you know what’s happened? I’ve lost my identity, my job, and I’ve got a limited skill set in the world outside ranching, I’m damn close to destitute and you’re…” His eyes narrowed. “Chipper as a damn squirrel about that.”
Jessie laughed. “Of course I am.”
“Why?”
“Because—”
“Why would you want me?”
“Because—”
“I can’t offer you anything.”
She knocked free of his hold and grabbed him by the lapels to get nose to nose with him. “Now you listen to me, Brandt McKay. I love you.
You
. Not your ranch, not your station in life as part of the McKay ranching dynasty. You’ve already offered me everything I want.”
“Which is?”
“A lifetime with you.”
His eyes softened. “Jess.”
“Don’t you dare back out on me now. So we’ve hit yet
another
rough spot. So? Ain’t the first time and I doubt it’ll be the last. But I have every faith we’ll overcome it. Together.”
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“But—”
“You’re the best man I’ve ever known. You are worth fighting for.
We
are worth fighting for. I love you. I love you so freakin’ much. Don’t give up. Please.” She moved even closer, completely invading his space. “Say something, dammit.”
“I would if you’d left me get a word in edgewise.” He brushed his lips across hers. “I missed you.” He kissed her. “I love you.” He kissed her again. “God, do I ever love you.” One last smooch to her mouth.
“But you’re too late.”
Her heart damn near stopped. “Too late for what?”
“To help me pack. Everything is already loaded in the back of my truck.”
Then she kissed him. Jessie wanted to kiss him with all he hunger and passion he always gave her, but it was hard to keep their lips attached when all she could do was smile.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he murmured against her mouth, much later, as they were twined together in his bed. “What prompted you to come after me?”
“The fear that you changed your mind and decided I wasn’t worth all the hassle.”
“What hassle?”
She gave him a light head butt. “Oh, a little thing like your dad making you choose between the ranch and me.” Her eyes searched his. “Why didn’t you tell me that the day you showed up and killed my poor heavy bag?”
That flash of shame appeared, heating his cheeks. “I get in these…rages, Jess. They’re ugly and I’m mean. I come out swinging and don’t stop until everything and everybody in front of me is leveled. Or until someone hands me my ass or I pass out. Fun stuff.” He sighed. “I’m so goddamn sorry that I hurt you—”
“You didn’t mean to. And it hurt me a helluva lot worse when you walked out.”
“There was some stuff I needed to work out.” Maybe someday he’d tell Jessie about the bizarre dream he’d had about Luke.
“So you really picked me? Over the ranch?”
“No contest.”
Brandt and Jessie had started loading tack into the horse trailer when a pickup pulled up. Jessie tensed. The pickup looked exactly like Casper’s but Brandt knew the pickup belonged to his Uncle Carson.
He watched as all three of his McKay uncles climbed out of Carson’s truck. Carson and Cal were twins, not identical, but that wasn’t obvious at first glance. Charlie had the same look about him as his brothers did, but he was shorter, stockier. As far as McKay family dynamics, Charlie should’ve been last on 230
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the pecking order as the youngest son. But it’d always been Casper, the oldest of Jed McKay’s sons, at the bottom of the heap.
Strange, seeing his uncles here. They rarely ventured to this part of the ranch, and never to Brandt’s house. So they must’ve gotten wind of Casper’s ultimatum. Brandt’s pride appeared, reminding him he didn’t need his uncles’ charity.
He told pride to shut the fuck up.
“Brandt.” Carson removed his glove, thrust out his hand and Brandt shook it, then he shook Calvin and Charlie’s hands in kind.
“I don’t gotta ask why you guys are here,” Brandt said. “But I do wanna know who called you.”
Carson shoved his hands in the front pocket of his Carhartt coat. “Actually Casper contacted us.”
“That surprises me.”
“Surprised the hell out of me too,” Charlie said. “Jesus. The man showed up at my place out of his mind.”
Brandt frowned. “Your place?”
“Yeah, guess he considers me the weakest link in the McKay chain of command.” Charlie shot his brothers a sideways glance. “But that’s always been Casper’s problem. We’ve never had the ‘me’ versus
‘them’ mentality.”
“But he has.”
Charlie nodded. “As soon as he showed up Vi called Carson and Cal.”
“Did he…” How could he ask his uncles if his dad had told them he’d attacked his father?
Cal clapped Brandt on the shoulder. “Son, we know what he’s like. Which is why we all needed to be there. Been brewing for a long goddamn time. It’s time we dealt with it.” He looked at Jessie with that trademark charming McKay smile. “Darlin’, if you wouldn’t mind givin’ us some time with Brandt—”
“Sorry. Brandt and I are a package deal now. Whatever you intend to discuss with him can be said in front of me. Rest assured, I’ll never repeat what I hear, but Brandt and I have had too many family things between us, keeping us apart for too long.”
Brandt had such a fierce sense of pride, such an overpowering feeling of love for this woman. He reached for Jessie’s hand. Right then he knew he’d never have to worry where he stood with her, because she’d always stand beside him.
