Crash (7 page)

“Are you afraid of me? Is that it? Or are you afraid of letting go?”

Both. Maybe he just wanted someone to fuck on the trip. Did it matter? My spirits sank. I don’t want to be used as a toy.

What demons are you hiding?
Luke’s dire warning against Will echoed in my head.

I wanted to say something to stop the inevitable. I knew that if I looked at him, I would kiss him. “Luke warned me about you,” I said to his chin. “He said you had done something terrible.”

All the color drained from his face as he pulled away from me and sat up straight, staring across the table. “He told you?”

He looked like he had been stabbed. He almost looked dead, but his lips moved and a humorless laugh left his throat. “You must despise me.”

Waves of shock obliterated everything. My heart rammed hard against my ribs. I expected rage against Luke, or petty insults, but not guilt. He couldn’t even look at me.

Whatever it was, Will felt horrible about it and I never should have brought it up. I regretted it instantly, hating that empty look on his face. He stood up shakily and looked at the door.

“Will, he didn’t tell me anything. I just wanted to know what happened.”

Within an instant, his demeanor shifted. He whirled around and shot me a dark, electric look. Disgust wrinkled his nose as he looked down at me. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you bring that up?”

I shrank into my chair. “I’m sorry—it’s just—he mentioned something and I was concerned. If I’m going on a trip with someone, I think I deserve to know if I’ll be safe around them.”

The dark-haired man looked like he was on the verge of exploding. He wavered a bit on his feet, looking like he wanted to throw something, before dropping into his chair. His head fell into his hands and I heard him draw a deep breath.

What the fuck? What the hell do I do now? He was still breathing heavily with his face in his hands. He glanced up to give me a frightened look and he clutched his chest, gritting his teeth.

“Fuck,” he managed to spit out.

Holy crap
. My heart bulged in my throat as I thought of what to do. He looked like he was having some sort of mental breakdown; he looked completely insane.
No, he’s not crazy
. He reminded me a lot of Jessica when she was having her panic attacks.

“Just breathe,” I whispered to him. My hand twitched as I meant to let it fall on his head, but I was afraid to touch him. I grabbed his shoulder instead and squeezed through his thick suit. 

I had no idea what was going through his mind, but I recognized the signs. God, all those times when Jessica would have panic attacks, and of course she had no health insurance so we could never call the ambulance. It always scared the shit out of me.

Gradually, his breathing slowed and he was able to look at me. “Will you do it?”

I gaped at him. How could he ask me that when I just pissed him off? That’s why he wants me there. He needs someone to watch over him, to calm him down when he’s having his panic attacks.
It has nothing to do with sex
. I felt terrible for how I judged him. 

“Will—”

“No,” he growled suddenly. “Don’t ask me.”

I nodded, understanding. Jessica couldn’t talk about her problems either. It took her years. “Will I be safe around you? I mean—this is not; I’m not trained for this sort of thing. If you’re using this graphic designer thing just as an excuse—”

“I’m not,” he said in a pained voice. “I just need someone to travel with me. You’ll be safe, I promise.”

He stood up suddenly with his hands balled at his sides.

Christ, he practically begged me. I knew that he was embarrassed and my heart flew out to him.

“Just let me know.”

“Will, wait!”

He was in a hurry to leave but I caught up to him and he turned around with a resigned look on his face. I can’t let him leave like this. I just wanted him to know that it was okay, that I understood. I wanted to do for him what he had done for me at the restaurant. Suddenly, my hands were around his tie and I was yanking his body forward. His head dipped down and his dark eyes widened; my head lifted and that heat I so desperately sought was mine.

What the hell am I doing?

He kissed back hard, his lips bruising against mine. The hunger inside me swallowed him in. His hand swept up the thin fabric of my blouse and grabbed my breast. I gasped into his mouth. His frantic breaths matched mine. I was paralyzed for a moment, seduced by the delicate stroke of his fingers, his lips claiming me as though I belonged to him. My body shivered as I palmed his chest, wanting so badly to run my hands over every crevasse and that gorgeous dent under his throat.

When we broke apart, Will had that blazing look on his face and he stared at the table as if it would make a good bed.

My heart was hammering hard enough to make me feel dizzy. And we were only kissing.

I pushed against his chest. “Will, we’re in an office.”

“You started it.”

“I’ll do it,” I blurted as he swept down to kiss me again. I guess I’m going to Europe.

“That’s great,” he said with less enthusiasm than I expected. “We can talk about it over lunch, if you want.”

“Right now?”

He nodded.

I bit my lip hard. I have to see Ben after this. Will looked at me impassively without a smile, probably still upset over—whatever the hell it was that bothered him. It was alarming how fast his moods could change. As much as he intrigued me, he scared me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted someone that damaged in my life. Do I want all of that baggage? I thought almost longingly of Ben, who had his problems, but at least he was free of drama.

Then why did you kiss him?

“I can’t. I have to see Ben after this.”

A black look shrouded his face. “You’re going to go back to that loser?”

The insult set off something inside me. It was like he was talking directly to the dark corner of my mind that I tried to pretend didn’t exist. “You don’t even know him!” I shouted. “What is your problem?”

“Wow, that touched a nerve, didn’t it? I’m not the one getting upset.”

Piece of shit
. Suddenly, I hated everything about him. Everything from his expensive suit to his handsome face and gloating smile

“What do you care if I get back together with him? It’s none of your business.”

His face flushed. “Then why the fuck did you just kiss me?”

It was my turn to be embarrassed. “’Cause I—I don’t know.”

The stab of hurt on Will’s face was visible only for a second. Then he lashed out like a viper.

“It’s pathetic that you’d go back to a man who treated you so badly. I know what he did,” his eyes bored into me. “You just want a man who makes you feel safe and warm, no matter how boring he is.”

He poisoned me with his words. I hung my mouth open stupidly. How could he know all that? Luke must have told him everything.

“You’re starting to bore me.” He let it hang in the air for a few seconds, calm detachment all over his face. “I’ll call you later with the details.”

Then he left the room. I stood there, stunned, still staring at the same spot on the wall.
You’re starting to bore me.

It shouldn’t hurt so badly, but it did. That comment hurt more than Ben’s transgressions ever did. My shoulders shook and the tears cascaded down my face.

Am I boring? I would rather be described as an evil bitch. Anything was better than having no mark on the world.

* * *

No, I’m weak, I thought as I hugged Ben at the cafe and allowed him to steer me to a table. Seeing him for the first time in months didn’t exactly evoke the feelings I thought they would. There was nervousness, of course, but mostly my head was still pounding over what Will said. I was pissed that he hit the nail on the head on the head over Ben and I. It made me so angry that I wanted to throw myself into Ben’s arms, but doing that would give Will satisfaction in knowing that he was right.

I’m not boring!

Ben smiled at me from across the table. I willed myself to feel something. Anything. But there was only a weak rustling in my stomach, like I’d been vomiting for hours. I hated how Will managed to manipulate my emotions like this. How could I know how I was supposed to feel about Ben with all of this crap swimming in my head?

“So, how’ve you been doing?” Ben looked up at me from the round table. His hair had grown in a little. The blonde beard was cut at the same length. He still wore the same plaid shirt. I always harbored a fantasy that he would change—he would develop a dress sense.

How have I been?
Horrible.
“Well, I got laid off from the aquarium, but I’ve already got a new job.”

His light eyebrows lifted slightly. “Where?”

I wrapped my hands around the mug. “Well, it’s a contract for Pardini Worldwide.”

The blue eyes danced with excitement. “That’s great, Nat!”

My eyes narrowed a bit at the use of my pet name. I didn’t want him to act like nothing was changed between us. “Ben, what did you want to talk about?”

He flinched at my tone and I saw him retreat into himself. “I wanted to talk about us.”

“Were you thinking about us when you went out with those women?”

“I was trying to get over you,” he said with an edge in his voice. “Can you blame me for trying to move on?”

Fine. Didn’t mean I couldn’t be pissed about it. “It was pretty sudden. A couple weeks after we broke up, as if you couldn’t wait to get out there. And then you posted all those photos on Facebook, knowing that I would see them.”

“I didn’t do that,” he muttered.

“Oh, come on. You knew full well that I would see them.”

He shook his head stubbornly. “Maybe I was a bit pissed that you’d throw away our relationship over Jessica.”

“Are you serious? I didn’t dump you over her; I dumped you because you lied to my face. I tell you something in confidence and the first person you told was a journalist. Then you tried to deny it.”

Why did I come here?

“I know and I’m sorry, but I still can’t believe you’d throw everything away after everything we’ve been through together.”

I softened under his bright, blue eyes and hated myself for it. “I don’t know, Ben. It’s been a long time. I’m starting to move on.”

“Will you please just give us another chance?”

Maybe I should.
Will probably won’t want anything to do with me again
. I humiliated him.

I shrugged and avoided his eyes. “Maybe, when I get back from the job.”

The disappointment that flared in Ben’s eyes was mingled with anger. It surprised me.

Chapter 4

I debated all day whether I should call Will and apologize for what I said. My phone sat in front of me on the kitchen table. A part of me hoped that he would call and make the decision for me.

Coward.

Another part of me wanted to distance myself. What would I apologize for?
I’m sorry for hurting your feelings?
Why did he get so upset with me anyways?

When I told him I was going to see Ben, he reacted angrily. Jealously.

I squirmed in my chair. He was the one who told me he had no interest in me. He kissed me back. If I knew he actually—if he was really interested, would I go on a date with him? My thoughts were muddled. I wanted to, but he clearly had some emotional issues.
His problems aren’t mine
.

They might be if you’re going on a trip with him.

I groaned in my bedroom, trying to search for something that would tell me what to do. I jumped at the knock on my door.

“Come in.”

Jessica’s head poked around the door.
Good
, I thought
. I can ask her about it
.

“Just got home. Wanted to see what you were doing,” she said as she sat down on my bed.

“Will wants me to go to Europe with him.”

She did a double take. “Um—what?”

I smiled. “Also, I saw Ben.”

“Whoa, whoa!” She stood up and placed her hands on her hips. “Slow down! When did this all happen?”

“Happened today, actually.” I enjoyed the waves of shock rippling across her face. “I don’t know where I stand with either of them, but Will offered me a job to go to Europe and design some pamphlets for Luke’s campaign. I think I’m going to take it. It’s only for a few weeks.”

“Wait—isn’t this a bit weird? He knows you for a week or something and all of a sudden, he wants you to go to Europe with him?”

“It’s definitely weird, but I don’t care.” My voice trembled. “I need this, Jessica.”

She looked at me with a bit of reservations stirring in her eyes, but she nodded. Of all people, she would understand.

“Well, how did it go with Ben?”

“Not so good. As expected.” I studied her face, looking for signs of relief. “Don’t you hate him?”

The question caught her off guard. “Hate him?” She shook her head. “I never had a problem with Ben, until…”

Until he sold you out.

“Listen,” she said in a louder voice. “I don’t care about it anymore, honestly. It’s all water under the bridge. You should give him a second chance if you have feelings for him.”

Inwardly, I aimed a searchlight to find some remnants of the love I used to have for him. Of course, I had feelings. I was angry, betrayed—if I didn’t care about him it wouldn’t matter to me. I shrugged hopelessly.

“I have feelings for chocolate. That doesn’t really help.”

“Well, you don’t need to make a decision right now. Just go to Europe. Have fun and see how you feel about both of them.”

I nodded, wondering if I should call my mom and ask for advice.
Right, yeah that’ll be a fun conversation.

“Are you going to tell your parents?”

She could always read my mind. “I suppose that I have to.”

Hi Mom, I screwed up my chances with a really rich guy you’d probably hate. And I’m going to Europe with him. Ok, bye!

“Fuck,” I sighed. “I’ll probably get it over now.”

“Okay,” Jessica said, sliding from my bed.