Crash (9 page)

“Tom is my therapy. He goes wherever I go. Think of him as a service animal.”

Tom stood and faced me, his whiskers fanning out and his tail curled in the air like a question mark. Then he head-butted my face, rubbing his cheeks hard against my nose as a line of cat drool smeared my face.

“Urgh.” I spat out the cat hair.

“He really likes you. That’s good,” he said, as if his cat was a good judge of character. He sat down and looked at us with his head in his hand, smiling faintly with a bit of sadness in his eyes.

“You seem different. A lot more mellow.” I held Tom against me, feeling his little heartbeat hammer against mine. Petting him over and over with his reassuring, motor-like purr vibrating in my stomach made me feel lighter. Happier. Maybe he was right about the cat.

He frowned, not angrily. “When I take these pills, I feel like a robot. I don’t like it.”

“So then don’t.” Curiosity seethed inside me. I wanted to ask him why he took the pills, but it was such a personal question.
You must despise me
. His words echoed in my head, haunting me.

Will shook his dark head, looking so downtrodden that I picked up Tom and sat next to him. The cat made a small mew and walked across my lap to his master.

“I can’t. You’ve seen what happens when I’m off them.”

Something stirred in my chest as I looked at him. It was selfish of me, but I wanted the old Will back, the one who constantly invaded my personal space and who was impulsive and said the wrong things. My heart hammered as I let my hand fall on his arm.

He went rigid under me. “I meant what I said, Natalie. About being professional.”

My cheeks burned, but I didn’t let go of him. “B—but—”

“I know what kind of girl you are,” he said, sliding his arm out from under me.

“What?” My heart sank at the look he gave me.

“You’re just fishing for the most eligible bachelor so that you can please your parents. You’re toying with the possibility of going back to your ex, and you’re playing around with me. That’s why you lied about me. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t interest me at all.”

The cold, hard rejection slapped me across the face. I couldn’t breathe. The tears fell fast and before I knew it, I was sputtering an apology.

His eyes widened when he realized what he had done. “Oh, shit. Natalie—”

I stood up from the chair and ran to the bathroom; to the one place he couldn’t follow me. Once I closed the door, I burst into noisy tears and quickly grabbed a handful of paper towels to stifle my sobs.

Am I five years old? Why am I crying over a guy rejecting me?

Maybe it was because I had blown it with a man who should have been way over my league. William had seen enough of me and decided rather quickly that I wasn’t what he was looking for. I was not good enough for him. Man, did that fucking hurt.

“Natalie, I’m sorry,” he said through the door.

What happened to the guy who came to the restaurant?

It was startling how little control I had over my emotions, and I suddenly wished for my own magic pill that would make me not care. It was so embarrassing. I could hear it in his voice.
Oh, poor girl. I didn’t mean to make her upset—I just told her the truth!

I hated myself in this moment. I looked in the small, rectangular mirror and wanted to punch my worthless face.
Grow up. Grow the fuck up and stop being so pathetic.
I wiped my face angrily.

“Natalie,” he kept knocking. “Natalie!”

I opened the door to see Will standing in front of it, looking stricken. “What?” He flinched at my tone. “Look, that was uncalled for. I’m really sorry.” He raked his hands through his hair and I couldn’t help but admire the muscles shifting under his t-shirt. “Can we just start over? Can we just be friends?”

“Really? You’re going to give me that line?”

He grimaced.

“I wasn’t trying to hit on you. I was just being nice. There’s no need to be so cruel.”

Will’s face blazed like the setting sun. He let out a tortured moan. “I know, I’m really sorry. I’m in a really weird mood.”

I sighed angrily. It was more important to get along with him. “Fine,” I said, sticking out my hand for him to shake.

His chest heaved with a sigh and he smiled in relief. He took my hand and squeezed it.

Just friends. That’s what you wanted anyways, wasn’t it?

It was time to stop pining over the men in my life. I wasn’t going to chase after men anymore, not until I figured out what I wanted. This trip is going to be fun. I was going to be an adult and move on. That’s it. Professional relationship.

You don’t interest me at all.

My smile fumbled and the slightest quiver shook my bottom lip.
I’ve never been hurt like that in my life, and it was going to be the last fucking time.

That’s what I told myself, at least.

Chapter 5

Will kept a civil attitude the entire flight without a single sarcastic comment. I suspected that guilt was eating through his insides, though if this was how the rest of our trip was going to be; I was in for a lot of boredom. Ironic, really. I was determined to get along with Will. This wasn’t going to ruin the trip. I would have a fantastic time—so what if he didn’t want me? But it was slightly depressing to be so close to him.

I followed Will through the confusing maze that was Heathrow International, Tom the cat occasionally let out the smallest of meows in his cage propped on our luggage. We were getting a lot of weird looks.

“Where are we going first?”

He glanced back at me. “Um, first we need to get to Paddington station.”

The train in Paddington would take us to Cheltenham, and afterwards we needed to rent a car to take us to the first location of our British tour: the Cotswolds.

I was a bit sad to leave London. After months of listening to Jessica rave about the city, it was hard leaving it behind.
I’ll come back, someday.

William had clearly been here before. Within minutes, we were speeding away on the Heathrow Express and arrived shortly at Paddington station. We disembarked the train to find ourselves under a massive dome. I caught my first glimpse of the London Underground. Hundreds of people milled around the ground floor, buying coffee and pastries from the stalls and relaxing in chairs. On a glass table, a flock of pigeons attacked an abandoned muffin. I was surprised to see a shopping mall within the train station, but I followed Will across the platform to the train that would take us to Cheltenham.

My energy should have been completely shot, but I was really excited to be traveling to the first location where I would think of a concept for my first design. It was going to be really labor intensive. Will wanted the websites to be redesigned, so I would be creating banners, avatars, and logos. I also would design the newsletters and draft write-ups for each location. It was exciting. I’d never had such a huge project before.

As we approached the train, Will handed me my ticket. As promised, I was going to be riding coach.

“Well, see you when we get there.”

Will rolled his eyes at me, as if he could hardly believe that someone could be so slow. “I’m riding in the same car, Natalie. I didn’t actually buy first class tickets for myself and not you.”

He chuckled to himself and walked down the length of the train. I sighed and followed him. Well, at least he hasn’t lost his sense of humor.

Inside the train, we took seats that had a table so that Tom could sit on top. His yellow eyes glowed through the slits of the cage. A plaintive, low meow warbled through the recycled air.

“Quiet, Tom.”

Desperate for a long nap, Will suddenly sank in his seat and used his arms over the table as a pillow. I leaned against the window and watched the English countryside roll beside me. There were patches of yellow fields everywhere, and small, idyllic hamlets that simply didn’t exist in California. I marveled at all of the open space. Living in California, I was accustomed to seeing every available patch of land crammed with as many homes as possible.

It was hard to believe that I was really here. I blinked and felt my eyelids scrape over my eyes.

“Anything from the trolley?”

I shook my head and the coffee cart moved past me. The lull of sleep was too strong with the gentle rocking motion of the train.

* * *

After Will shook me awake, I got to my feet and followed him off the train, thoroughly exhausted.

“Jesus, I don’t think I’ve ever done so much traveling in one day.”

I felt really sorry for Tom, who had long ago given up on voicing his displeasure. Now we had to drive towards our destination. Luckily, the car rental was right next to the train station.

Outside was a wet, dreary expanse of concrete and gray skies. I wrapped my jacket around myself, shivering already as we walked to the car. We’re definitely not in California anymore.

The real shock came when we went to the car, which could barely fit our luggage. It was beyond bizarre to sit on the left side, where the driver would normally sit back home. Tom was in the backseat and Will made sure to weave the seat belt through the cage.

“It’s okay, Tommy. We’ll be there soon,” he crooned. “You can stop rolling your eyes at me,” he said with his back facing me.

“Whatever. Let’s just go.”

Will shifted into gear and our tiny car sped out of the train station. I gripped my seat as we joined roundabout after roundabout.
God, this is confusing
. We only had a split second to decide which exit to take, but luckily the GPS we used was quite thorough. Finally, we entered the highway and I felt a bit of normalcy.

The English countryside was beautiful to look at. The deep green hills, the flocks of sheep, the little hamlets with their gardens and parishes reminded me of all the pastoral watercolor paintings I used to study in college. I closed my eyes and listened to the classic music playing in the radio.

“NATALIE!”

Screaming pierced my ears. Both a high-pitched, animal sound and the sound of terrified sobbing. My eyes snapped open and I felt the car trembling. I looked to my right and saw Will’s face rigid with fear. I jumped in my seat.

He was hunched over the steering wheel, driving at a speed that was way, way too fast. He gulped for air and one hand clutched his chest. White-hot fear seized my heart. We passed a smoking, twisted tangle of a car wreck and I realized that we could have the same fate.

“Will, stop the car!”

“I can’t breathe,” he said hoarsely.

I couldn’t think. The cat kept screaming, even it knew something was wrong.

“WILL, STOP THE FUCKING CAR!”

We barreled towards slow traffic. I reached over without thinking and yanked on the parking break. The car made an ungodly screech and my seatbelt cut into my stomach. Smoke billowed around the windows and I screamed, adding my voice to the shrieking behind me. I braced myself for the impact, but by some miracle the car ground to a halt only a millimeter from the next car’s bumper.

My heart felt like it was injected with a large dose of caffeine. The fear still pounded through my body with every rush of blood. Will gripped the wheel, looking like he was going to faint. He unbuckled himself and opened the door. Smoke curled inside the car. He collapsed beside the window.

“Will!”

I hastily unbuckled myself and ran around the car to see William hunched over with his head between his knees. I stooped down next to him on the concrete and rubbed his back.
What the fuck just happened
?

“Are you hurt? What happened?”

His head peeked out from his knees, glancing at the wreck half a mile down the highway. The blood drained from his face as ambulance sirens screamed. The blue and red lights flashed across his face. For a moment, I thought that he might be dead.

I squeezed his shoulders and shook him. “Will? Snap out of it!”

His eyes slid over to me uncomprehendingly. My fingernails bit into his shoulder. No response.

I shot out with my hand, slapping his face a little too hard. His head whipped to the left but he caught himself on the ground. He squeezed his eyes shut as if I had really hurt him and his shoulders began to shake.

“Oh my God, Will! I didn’t mean—”

“I’m sorry,” he said in a small voice.

“I’m going to get help.”

“No!” He lashed out and gripped my arm.

“Will, don’t be fucking stupid! You had a—”

“Panic attack,” he said, his face gradually returning to its normal color. “I have PTSD. It happens.”

“It happens? It happens?”

Will winced at the shriek in my voice.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shoved him so hard that he fell back on his elbows, looking at me with a mixture of fear and guilt. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? We could have died!”

He sat upright and buried his face in his hands. “I know.”

People were getting out of their cars and walking towards us with looks of concern on their faces. “You all right?”

I grimaced. “Will, you need to go to the hospital.”

“No. I’ve done this before. There’s nothing you can do for panic attacks. It’ll be a waste of time.”

“But—”

“Let’s just go!” He stood up shakily, his back turned firmly away from the wreck.

“If you think I’m going to let you drive us you’re out of your mind.”

Will looked at my determined face and gave me a small nod. I approached the left side of the car out of habit and swore.

“You sure you’re all right, love?”

“We’re fine!” I said in a high-pitched voice.

Yes, everything’s fine. I’m about to drive stick shift for the first time in a decade. Everything’s swell!

I sat in the driver’s seat with Will chewing his thumb next to me, looking uncharacteristically self-conscious. Everything was on the wrong side.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“You’ll get the hang of it. Just relax.”

“You relax!” I snapped.

I started the car and stalled it. People were starting to honk at us from behind. I turned the key again and floored the gas, burning the clutch but finally moving forward. I relaxed as I shifted into second gear and drove down the highway, following the GPS.