Crash: M/M Straight to Gay First Time Romance (8 page)

Liam

              The dream is always the same. I wake up in midair as the car is flipping. It’s the sense of weightlessness that wakes me, the feeling of falling when I know I should be on solid ground. Mom and Dad are in the front seat. I hear the windshield shatter and, almost as if I am watching it all in slow motion, I see the shards of glass embed themselves in their faces and necks. The car lands hard, and I taste blood in my mouth. It skids and spins upside down. I am the only one not wearing a seat belt, so I am thrown clear at some point. I am never sure how. When the car stops, I run towards it.

              Neither of my parents responds to me as I try pulling them out of the wreckage. I am too small. I am not strong enough. The front of the car is crushed, pinning them inside, and I am not strong enough to save them. So I run, barefoot and shirtless. I run until my lungs threaten to explode and my feet bleed. Somehow I end up right back where I started, and I see him there, crouched down on the ground, talking to me, telling me he’s got it under control before he gets up and walks away. The stagger in his step and the speed of his movements tell me he is too high to be thinking straight.

              “Don’t forget!” I scream from inside the vehicle. “Reid, don’t forget!”

              That part is true. I always know that part is a memory, not fantasy. I doubt he remembers that moment or much of that night at all.

              When I wake up, my heart is still pounding. Terrible dreams are nothing new, especially when they aren’t dreams. The memories from that day like to nest in my subconscious and play field hockey with my sense of wellbeing while I sleep. I look at my nightstand where Reid has left a sandwich and a custard cup full of pills.

              “These aren’t my normal pills,” I complain, not expecting an answer.

              “Your pills are in there, and I added some supplements,” he calls down the hall.

              “Supplements,” I mumble sniffing the collection of pills. “They smell like an old lady’s medicine cabinet.”

              “What is that?” Reid pokes his head in around the door, and I twist my top lip up at him.

              “Your supplements smell like hemp sweat and desperation,” I say.

              “They’re good for you. Take them, especially since you are going to be up late tonight working,” he says, pouring me a large cup of water.

              I roll my eyes because he is right, and I am finding it a lot harder to argue with him these days. My writing is coming along well now that I have my right hand back. The therapists and trainers are still busting my balls, but I have developed a tolerance for constant pain. The thing that worries me now is Ruairi. Once I knew he was aware of what happened to me, I expected him to make a move on me, or at least be troublesome. He has done neither. It’s likely that my uncle is holding him in check for now, but that won’t last for long. It will only be a matter of time before Ruairi decides to make waves in my life, simply because he can.

              Some say that fair skin and ginger hair is the McClehllan curse. I would argue that Ruairi is the only McClehllan curse, and I would be in good company amongst them. Ruairi is infuriating, not only because he is a smug, shit stirring, aristocrat but because he likes to cause conflict even when there is nothing in it for him. I guess he gets bored living up in that ivory tower of his. He is one of the main reasons why I keep away from my grand old family and our grand old money.

              “Something on your mind?” Reid asks. I nearly forgot he was still here.

              “Nothing,” I say.

              “Liar,” he says with a smile, sitting on the edge of the bed and shoving two pills the size of donkey testicles into my mouth. He puts the cup of water to my lips and tilts it up before I have a chance to protest. I choke down a few gulps, taking the pills with it. With his arm wrapped around my neck like a boa constrictor, he tilts my face up and seals my lips with a hard kiss. It’s one-part force feeding, one-part physical assault, and one-part seduction, and I have to admit that I like it.

              He is always doing that. At least twice a day he finds a way to touch me in a way that violates every company policy about sexual harassment that I have ever read. It’s maddening and seductive. Sometimes I want to forget the reasons why I hated him all these years. Sometimes, when he tells me stories about Liam who died in a car crash, I want to abandon it all and let myself love him. I’ve even been tempted to tell him I am Liam Hasker. But my memories won’t let me give in so easily.

              “I got some good news today,” he says, leaning back against my pillows and pulling me down with him.

              “What’s that?”

              “A corporate sponsor is interested in working with us.”

              “What’s in it for them?”

              “I don’t know. I guess I will find out soon,” he says cheerfully. “I have a meeting next week with a guy named Sanford.”

              “Sanford Garnett?”

              “You know him?”

              I pull myself out of Reid’s grasp and hobble over to my desk. Plugging my headset into my laptop, I call Ruairi, the little shit, on every number I have available for him without results. Reid sits on the bed with an air of calm and serenity that makes me want to kick him in the face and watches me cyber stalk my cousin. After nearly ten minutes of leaving rude and defamatory messages on all of his social media accounts, I get an answer from him.

              “What are you trying to pull,” I hiss.

              “Me?”

              “Yeah, why are you sending Garnett out here to scout Reid Cummings? Don’t you have enough charitable societies and useless housewife causes to support?”

              “I’m hurt. I was just trying to spread a little joy to you and your hubby and the peasants you love so much. Think of it as a late wedding gift,” he says glibly.

              The blood runs cold in my veins as I begin to put together what he is trying to do. He is going to do my job for me. He is going to ruin Reid and expose our sham marriage, and he is using the rec center to do it. I have to admit; the boy is good. Why bother upsetting one person when you can ruin dozens of lives at the same time?

              “Make sure the check is sizable. I would hate for him to think your bank account is as empty as the place where your soul was supposed to be,” I lash out.

              “I would love to stay and trade insults with you but I have to practice my shocked and contrite face for the cameras,” he says before disconnecting.

              I stand up, wanting to kick something but painfully aware of the throbbing in my extremities. Instead, I hang my head and try to breathe.

              “How bad is it?”

              “Ruairi,” I say.

              “So I just won’t take the money. It’s as simple as that?”

I stare at Reid Cummings poor, sweet, stupid face and shake my head in exasperation. “If it were that easy to stop him, he wouldn’t be doing this. He will offer you an astronomical amount of money, almost term free. And if you are fool enough to turn him down, he will offer it to your boss,” I explain.

              “So you are saying I can’t say no,” he says, his face finally reflecting the gravity of the situation.

              “And then he is going to out us both publically and expose our marriage,” I say, swallowing hard. “That doesn’t mean anything to me. I have been out and proud since I was a teenager, but for you…”

              Why do I even care? In reality, Ruairi is doing me a favor. I don’t give a shit about keeping Reid’s little center running. But I hate the idea of Ruairi destroying things just because he can. I hate that he has enough money to turn somebody’s life into a living hell, and yet he has no sense of basic decency.

              “Being gay is no big deal. They won’t fire me for that.”

              “Yes, but lying about being married and forging official documents under an assumed identity are crimes, remember? They can fire you for that. Then what happens to your kids, the programs you designed, your center?”

              He blinks hard several times as the impact of my words shatters his rose colored glasses.

              “What do we do?”

              “We get married.”

              “For real?”

              “No, not for real, but we make it so real that the truth becomes doubtful,” I say, a smile spreading across my face as I imagine Ruairi’s disappointment.

              “And how do we do that?”

              “This is where independent wealth comes in handy,” I say, my mind already a thousand miles away. “Go make dinner or something, and leave the rest to me.”

              He crosses his arms and legs and looks at me, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

              “Just go,” I urge him. After several more seconds of sitting there mutely, he gets up from his spot and leaves, stopping to kiss the top of my head before disappearing down the hall.

              As soon as he is out of earshot, I bang my head on the desk three times. What am I doing? Am I going to pass up a chance to crush Reid to piss on Ruairi’s head?

              Yes.

              Yes, I am.

              I make a phone call to my one stop shop for shady dealings. Martin Finelli is a genius with all things technology and probably a genius by anybody’s definition of the word. Like most smart kids, he is prone to finding trouble. For Finelli, laws are more like suggestions and restrictions are open challenges to his ability to subvert and undermine authority. If there is something you need, he knows the fastest, most secure way to get it. The bigger the challenge, the better. Seriously, I love this guy. As soon as the line connects, I feel my anxiety dissipate.

              “Hello, Martin. I have a job for you.”

Then

             
I knew nothing was going to be okay. One minute I was sleeping in the backseat of the car as my parents chatted softly in the front. The next minute, my life was consumed in a storm of shattered glass, twisted metal, and deadly silence. I didn’t tell the investigators very much. The truth was that there was precious little for me to tell. I fell asleep and woke up in hell. I thought about going back to that house alone for the first time and had a panic attack so severe they hospitalized me for three days.

              The dispatcher received a call from a passing car that saw us from a distance. They were heading west; we were heading south.

              What I remembered was my mother’s face. Her head hung at a strange angle, so I knew she was dead, but I held onto hope. She didn’t look scared or angry. She looked like she was looking at something in the distance. I remember the shoes that appeared out of nowhere, and the relief I felt when I recognized them.

              Reid crouched down until we were eye to eye, but he couldn’t see me. He was high. It wasn’t like I didn’t know he got high. I knew. But he was more messed up than I had ever seen him. Still, he was my only hope, and I had to try.

              “Call 911! Don’t forget, Reid!”

              He nodded dumbly and then walked away, breaking into a jog just as he disappeared from view. He said he would come back. He said he just needed to get his phone. He never came back. Everybody died except for me.

              Just like that, my whole life, my whole world came to an end. Everything good died on that desolate road, and the boy who was my first love, my first crush, and my first kiss, became the last person I ever wanted to see again.

Reid

              “Make sure that you play dumb. Smile, act very grateful and accommodating,” Liam tells me as I get ready for my meeting. He hands me my tie and our fingers meet for a second. A smile threatens to turn the corners of my mouth upwards, and I force them down into a semi-scowl.

              “Are you sure this is going to work?”

              “Yeah, if Garrett asks to meet your partner just be completely okay with it,” Liam says with a gleeful look.

              “And then?”

              “And then we have to pour it on thick so that my cousin begins to doubt,” he says, rolling his eyes as if I am the dumbest man on the planet.

              “Excuse me for not being well versed in tricking rich men out of thousands of dollars,” I say defensively, tugging at my only good tie.

              “Millions. He wouldn’t insult me by only offering you a few thousand dollars,” Liam says, limping into the bathroom to help me with my tie.

              He stands in front of me, leaning back against the sink and begins his work with quick and sure fingers. I can feel the warmth of his body radiating through my clothes and creeping along my skin like invisible fingers.

              “Can’t we just say that you are recovering and can’t be disturbed?” I say.

              “And miss an opportunity to rub our love in Ruairi’s face? Not a chance. I would crawl out of my own grave for this,” he replies, smoothing the garment down my shirt.

              “And is that what we have here? Love?”

              I sound desperate. I know it, but I can’t figure it out on my own. With him pinned between my body and the sink, this seems like the perfect moment to ask. What I know is that the smell of his peppermint shampoo and his proximity are doing things to me that make it increasingly hard to concentrate on the meeting ahead.

              He meets my eyes and takes a shaky breath. Desire shines out from the depths of his being. I watch the color rise in his cheeks and sense his hesitation. If we have this conversation, if we say out loud what we are together, then it all becomes real. It’s not just making out and good morning kisses. It becomes a scary thing that will need a name and a label and maybe even a bell.

              “Yeah, I’ve been like that for a while now,” I say, pressing my body against his and leaning in.

              “You are going to be late,” he says, acting disinterested. I can’t stand it anymore. My whole body feels like it’s on fire and his attempts at aloofness only make the flames burn brighter.

              I grasp his chin in my hand and wrap my arm around his waist.

              “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel it too,” I whisper, dangerously close to his lips.

              Liam avoids looking me in the eyes for several minutes, but I don’t give in. There is nowhere to run and no safe path out of my arms. He can try fighting me, but he can’t win. Not in his condition.

“I’m waiting,” I say, clinging desperately to my self-control.

“I’m leaving soon. There is no point in starting things you have no intention of f-“

I can’t listen to one more glib response. Not when his body is responding to me, and his eyes are full of lust. So I silence him, sucking all of his snide comments and dismissive attitudes into my mouth. He melts in my mouth, coating my tongue and intoxicating me with his distinct sweetness. This is not smart. I have somewhere I need to be.

Liam grips my shoulders with his hands, and I know that I am at his mercy. If he doesn’t push me away, I won’t let up until this moment reaches its inevitable conclusion. I grip the lip of the sink, trapping Liam on all four sides and stake my claim, brutalizing his lips and pressing the evidence of my arousal against his belly.

Liam wraps his arms around my neck and his thighs around my hips. The braces are gone, despite the weakness in his legs, and for the first time I have unfettered access to his body.

“Not good, not good, not good,” Liam chants as I scoop him up and carry him to my bedroom.

It’s not more than a few steps, but it might as well be a fifty-yard dash. Dumping Liam on my mattress, I stand over him, feeling triumphant. He scoots forward on the bed and looks up at me, his lips slightly parted. The sound of our breathing fills the space between us.

“If we do this, it changes everything,” he says.

I swallow hard and nod my head. Everything is already different. It was fine when we were still pretending like the lingering touches and soft kisses didn’t happen. But if we say it, if we acknowledge it like this, then it’s real.

My fists are balled so tight that my knuckles pop. Liam plants his feet on the ground and looks up at me, the tip of his tongue darting out across his lips in a nervous gesture.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I groan, closing my eyes only to be greeted by the instant replay in my mind’s eye.

“Just answer one question,” he says.

I look down at him and nod.

“Are you here for me, because of who I am or because I remind you of somebody else? Because no matter what, I am not that guy, Reid. That guy died a long time ago. I can’t be him, and I can’t take his place,” he says.

The vulnerability in his eyes sucks the oxygen out of the room. Who am I getting ready to screw?

“I have only felt this way two times in my life. Once with him, and now with you. I don’t think you are him. He is gone, and I made my peace with that. But, the way I feel about you and him is the same. I hesitated for a long time with him, and in the end, I missed my chance. I won’t make that mistake again. I am here with you
because
of him, but the person I am looking at is you,” I say.

His eyes fill with tears and a look I can’t describe but don’t think I will ever forget. He wraps his arms around my waist and hugs me tight, pressing his face against my belly. I am so surprised I almost forget why we are here. I stroke his soft red hair. I never thought things like this mattered to him, but I guess I told him what he wanted to hear.

“Thank you, Reid,” he says, his voice choked and muffled. “By the way you have a great ass.”

He shoves his fingers into my pants and grasps my ass cheeks, turning his face up to me and smiling wickedly. Nobody has ever touched me like that. I have always found the idea of somebody touching me that way disgusting. Somehow when it’s Liam, no matter how he touches me, it always feels good. Now his nimble fingers are working at unfastening my belt and pants, shoving the polyester blend down my thighs so that he can watch me.

“If you keep that up I am going to be late, and I would hate to keep your cousin waiting,” I say, my voice sounding high and panicked. I am panicked, slightly. There is a delicious anxiety inching its way through my bloodstream like a massive caffeine high. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as Liam’s hands slide around my body. My muscles jump and shake under his fingertips as I try to hold onto their coiled strength.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do, but something tells me that if I cut loose and jump on his body right now, I will scare him away. If I touch him, I will lose myself. Sweat beads on my face as I stand perfectly still and let Liam peel open my shirt and press his lips against my abs.

“Fuck Ruairi,” Liam says softly.

“No thanks,” I say.

My pants gather around my ankles, and my underwear swiftly follows. Liam’s hands encircle my shaft, and I close my hands, blinded by the pleasure. He strokes my smooth length, and my cock comes roaring to life. After a few glides of his hand, my crotch becomes a sore, throbbing torment.

“Look at me,” Liam says breathlessly.

I obey. I look down at his upturned face. I don’t look away as his pink tongue teases the tip of my manhood before opening up wide enough to swallow the length of my shaft. I watch in perverse pleasure as I fill his mouth and invade his throat. Despite the discomfort, he doesn’t give up until my cock completely disappears into his mouth.

It has been a long time since anybody has handled my body, and I struggle for control. Liam slowly draws back, letting the taut length of my cock slip across his tongue as it exits his warm mouth. I make a sound I am not familiar with and bury my fists in his hair, guiding him down my shaft and back up again. He doesn’t struggle against me. His fingers grasp my ass, steadying himself as he frees his cock and strokes it lazily with his free hand. I continue to bury myself in his face, high on the wet smacking sounds he makes and the low moans that reverberate through his chest and vibrate across his tongue and along the head of my swollen member.

Liam is skillful, pulling me closer and closer to the inevitable end despite my anxiety. His fingers pinch, probe, and stroke my buttocks, thighs, and scrotum, assaulting my senses with pleasure. With my eyes closed, I forget that he is a he, and that I have never been with a man. All I can think of is the pleasure and the longing for release.

“Ah, Liam, I can’t hold it back,” I shout desperately.

“Don’t,” he says. I let go and all of the delicious tension that had been building in my skin peaks and flows out of me like a geyser. I can hear my voice in my ears as I roar, but I don’t have any thoughts about the matter.

I open my eyes and look down at him. Liam smiles enticingly, a small droplet of my semen on the corner of his mouth making him look alluring in the most deviant way. Liam pulls me down on the mattress beside him, shrugging off the rest of his clothes and stretching out beside me. I watch him as he fondles his thick length, and he watches my face.

“You like being watched?”

“I like
you
watching me,” he says.

I don’t know why I need to touch him, but I do. I reach out my hand and stroke the firm planes of his chest and stomach, wrapping my unsure hand around his hard length. It’s not like this is the first time I have ever seen him naked or touched his cock. But this is the first time I was sure that it meant something. Sensing my hesitation, Liam wraps his warm hand around my trembling grip and guides me up and down.

He presses hot kisses along my neck and under my chin, taking my mouth as I pick up the pace. His sure hands on my chest, his hot breath on my neck, his soft moans in my ears bring me back to full arousal. I feel my body stir and begin to swell and groan. This cycle of arousal and release could eat up the whole day, and I have a meeting that I need to attend, albeit late.

Liam pulls my nipples as his body convulses and then spurts hot jets of cum as he climaxes under my hand. I roll away from his panting body, afraid that another moment beside him, with his hands on my body, would mean that I would never be able to leave this room. He watches me carefully but doesn’t seem upset by the distance.

“I have to get going if we are going to pull this off,” I say, looking at him from my supine position.

“Later then?”

I chuckle. As if we could simply close this door after we recklessly kicked it down? I sit up and tug my underwear back up around my waist, ignoring the soft throbbing from my dick.

“Or maybe we have gone too far already,” he says from behind me. I turn and look him in the face. He hasn’t changed his expression at all. If I didn’t know any better, I would think he doesn’t care either way. But his eyes are no longer soft pools of desire. In just a few moments, they are back to being hard sapphire orbs, observing coolly without betraying a single thing.

“Is it even possible for me to not touch you?” I am unwilling to say what I fear is the absolute truth and unsure of what it means if I admit it.

“It’s possible,” he says flatly.

“I don’t think it is,” I say as I stand up and begin to dress myself again. “I think I am always going to want you, and the more I have you, the more I am going to want.”

“Just remember that Ruairi has to believe that we are in love,” he says, getting up and following suit. His body language is cold and disconnected, a far cry from the man who just sucked a hard nut out of my body just a moment ago.

I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep, but I can’t leave it like this between us. If I do, it’s as good as a rejection. “Hey,” I grab his face and turn it to mine. “We will figure all of this out later. I will figure it out. Just give me a little time. Trust me.”

For a moment, something flickers in the depths of his eyes, and I smile. He hears me, even if he doesn’t want to believe me yet. That’s all I can hope for right now.