CRAVE (11 page)

She grinned in response and nodded. “Yes. It is. Are you sure they aren’t joking with you?”

He shrugged. “Guess we’ll find out.” He returned to his seat next to her on the floor. “So.”

“So.”

“What are you doing, Dandy?”

“You already asked me that.”

“And you didn’t really answer. It can’t be very comfortable sleeping on this floor.”

She shrugged. “Guess I’m used to it.”

“If you don’t want to live at your parents’ anymore…”

“It’s not that. They’re okay. I just don’t feel like being someplace else. Not yet.”

Charming sat quietly for a while, saying nothing. When he did speak, he kept his face forward, not looking at her, but said, “You’re not alone.”

She sighed. “Thank you for saying that, Charm. And thank you for coming and trying to cheer me up or see if I’ve gone crazy or whatever it is you’re doing. But you’re wrong. I am alone.”

“I wish Rosie was here,” he said in response, knowing that Dandy had become friends with Rosie in spite of herself.

“Would have made things even worse. My male doesn’t know me from a rock, but hers is… gone forever.” She glanced over at Charming. “I’m sorry. I know this is hard for you, too. You had two brothers. One is dead, but the other might as well be dead.”

Charming thought that sounded harsh even to him. “Don’t say that.”

She was so quiet she almost whispered, “It’s true though. Isn’t it?”

“Carnal and I had gotten closer after Crave...” He didn’t finish that sentence, but went in another direction instead. “The two of them, well, I can’t say they excluded me exactly. But they were older and so close to the same age…”

When Dandy was sure that Charming wasn’t going to finish that sentence, she said, “After Crave was taken, Carnal stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t even look at me. Except for a word here or there when Rosie was working at the bar. Like he thought it was my fault or something.”

“No. It wasn’t that at all.” Charming scowled. “If I’d known you thought that I would have set you straight. Carnal felt guilty about Crave. Like he should have done something to prevent it.”

“That doesn’t make sense. Crave followed orders. Carnal followed orders. And wasn’t he far away from where it happened?”

“Yes to all of that. But it messed with Carnal’s head. I think he’d always looked out for Crave. Maybe felt a little responsible because he was older.” Charming chuckled. “Nobody ever fucked with Crave because they knew they’d be buying a big bite of mad Carnal.” He shook his head ruefully. “And mad Carnal isn’t something you’d ever want turned your way.”

Dandy smiled wistfully. “He did have a reputation. Crave looked up to him. Maybe worshipped him a little.”

Charming let that hang in the air for a minute as he grew serious and brought the conversation back around. “You managed to have faith all this time, Dandelion. If you’re giving up on Crave now, and I’m not trying to influence you otherwise… But if you’re quitting, then what are you doing here? If you keep it up, they’re going to lock
you
up in there.”

She looked down at the still-warm mug she held in her lap between two hands. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t think I even know who I am, apart from Crave. For as long as I can remember I’ve thought of myself as half of a pair.”

“The doc said he may still remember.”

“She also said he may not.”

“When I was sure he was dead, you insisted he wasn’t. And you were right.”

“Guess I used up all my optimism.”

“When, Dandelion? What happened to change things so suddenly?”

She glanced over at Charming for just a second, possibly to judge the sincerity of the questioner. She felt tears burning behind her eyes and knew the only way to keep them from falling was to keep quiet. If she spoke it out loud, she would cry and she didn’t want that. She hated criers. She hated crying. She hated the weakness it implied. Just because she was sent away from warrior training didn’t mean she wasn’t strong. But Charming wasn’t the sort to let things go.

He nudged her gently with his elbow. “Tell me.”

That slight nudge pushed her over the limit, like the one drop of rain that was too much and caused the spillway to automatically open. Both words and tears rushed forward and there was no stopping them once they started.

“He walked away with Free.” Her breath hitched in a hiccup that embarrassed her, but she was powerless to stop it. “I watched him all the way to your house. He never once looked back.” She sobbed once, then twice. “In his mind, I don’t exist. I never existed. In his mind, I’m dead.”

Charming set his mug down, put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “Go ahead and let it out. It’s okay to mourn for what you lost. You’ve been loyal, done everything you could. A lot more than most would. You need to look after yourself first for a change.”

When she stopped sniffling, she sat up. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I hope Crave’s memories come back. I want my brother. My parents want their son. You want your Promise. His friends want to see recognition in his eyes again. But just in case that doesn’t happen, you need to figure out what else you want to do.”

Dandy wiped the humiliating wetness from her face. “You can go, Charming. You don’t have to sit with me.”

He grinned. “I’m not here because I have to be.” He brushed a lock of white-blonde hair behind her ear. “I like you. I always have. I always thought Crave was lucky to claim you before all the other males realized how special you are.”

“Stop it,” she said. “The only thing special about me was that I belonged to Crave.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth, Dandy. You and Crave were lucky to find each other early and know what you wanted, but now you need to step back and reevaluate. You have a lot to offer.” He laughed. “Case in point. The Commons almost fell down around Scar’s ears while you were away. But maybe there’s something else you’d like to do. When we move to Farsuitwail, it will open up a lot of opportunities for someone smart like you.”

She angled her head toward him. “Like what?”

Charming smiled. “Come visit me down in the city tomorrow. Everybody here needs to start thinking about how different things are going to be. Not just interacting with humans every day, but also, we’re not going to be warrior-protectors anymore. Some of us maybe. But most of us will need to integrate into other kinds of jobs.”

“I can’t just leave tomorrow without getting someone to cover for me.”

“Serene might do it if she’s not busy.”

Dandy’s eyes got big. “Leader’s mate doing my job? I don’t think so.”

“You make it sound like the work is too lowly for her. She wouldn’t think so. She’s not like that. She likes serving people. That’s why they always have meetings at the Extant’s house.”

“It is? I always thought it was because it was big enough.”

He laughed. “Maybe that’s part of it. How about day after tomorrow?”

She looked around and took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Good!” He grinned. “Now let me walk you to your house.”

She shook her head. “Staying here.”

“Dandy.”

“Just one more night.”

He hesitated. “Okay. One more night.”

“You really haven’t seen him?”

“I heard he moved into the spare room at the back of the Bike Barn. Doesn’t even have heat, which means he must have
really
wanted to get away from us bad. Haven’t seen him myself. But I leave early, get back late, fall in bed, and do the same the next day.”

“Except for tonight?”

“Like I said, you’re special.” She smiled then yawned.

“Okay. Going now.”

“Thank you.”

He kissed her on the temple.

CHAPTER NINE

Crave had moved out of the Extant’s house and into an extra room that no one was using at the back of the Bike Barn. He didn’t bother to tell his parents he was leaving. He couldn’t seem to make himself see them as anything but strangers who made him feel uncomfortable. They were always looking at him with expectation, obviously hoping for some change, something he couldn’t give. He knew they’d be disappointed about him leaving, although his heart couldn’t relate to why. He also knew that leaving without saying anything was cowardly, but in his heart, he didn’t feel like he owed them anything.

So he had a little room with nothing in it but a single bed, a low table, and a chair that had seen much better days. There was no hearth so he piled on blankets to stay warm enough to sleep. When he wasn’t sleeping, he was out doing other stuff. Mostly mechanical stuff.

He’d always liked fooling around with the bikes, but mechanics jobs had gone to people who weren’t warriors. He’d always wished he wasn’t good at fighting so that he could work on bikes instead of training. Patrolling. Training. Patrolling.

He didn’t recall those feelings. His mind kept him firmly rooted to the present. And in the present, he knew he wanted to work on bikes.

The head mechanic had told him that he’d let him know when there was a job. Meanwhile, during the day he hung around the Bike Barn and watched. At night he sat at a table by himself in the back of the Commons and people-watched while he drank.

When someone approached him, he was polite but curt, and made it clear he wasn’t up for talking about old times. He found that, if he said hello then turned away, people got the message.

One night Easy came in after helping out with the building in Farsuitwail for three days straight. At the door he stomped his boots as if that would leave the dust at the door. He hadn’t been to Newland since the day Crave was released and was happy to see him standing at the bar waiting for a full tankard.

He approached Crave from behind and gave him an affectionate slap on the back as he opened his mouth to say, “How’s life as a free man?” He never got a chance to voice that question. He was too busy scrambling backward as Crave lunged for him with bared fangs and a snarl that was clearly sincere.

Crave took in Easy’s surprised look and raised hands and realized he’d reacted on an instinct that came from a mental state originating outside the walls of Newland. He looked around. Everybody had stopped what they were doing and were staring.

“Sorry, man,” said Easy. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Crave’s heartrate had leveled out. He just shook his head and walked out of the Commons, leaving people to think what they wanted. He went back to his room, sat on the bed, and pulled the blankets around him. Strangely enough he thought about that female. The one who’d been sleeping on the floor. The first thing he remembered seeing when he woke up in that cell.

She had pretty eyes that had searched his face like she was looking for something in his soul. For the first time he wondered why she’d been sleeping on the floor of the jail. He hadn’t asked and no one had said anything. What had she said her name was? He didn’t remember, but there was nothing new about that.

The next afternoon some youngster came to the Bike Barn to find him and let him know the human doctor was waiting for him at the Extant’s house. Crave walked up the hill and found her sitting in the living room looking at something connected to a band around her wrist.

“It’s just us,” she said. “You can talk openly. No one else will ever know what you say to me.”

He wasn’t sure he could believe that, but also didn’t know that it mattered what people were told. People only care about hiding things when they care what others think. Since he knew no one and had no relationships, he had no reason to care what others thought, but he had learned that he didn’t like to be the center of attention as he had been in the Commons when he’d had an adverse reaction to being touched without warning.

“Okay.”

He shrugged and sat down in the overstuffed chair. She’d taken a seat on the couch, purposefully leaving the big chair for him in hopes that it would help him relax. It was deep comfortable. It also faced away from the wall so that his back would feel protected. Her instincts as a therapist informed her that he would be more focused if he was sure nothing was going on behind him.