Crave: A BWWM Romance (15 page)

T
he phone ringing
in the distance sounded worlds away as I gazed down at the tiny piece of plastic in my hand. I failed to wonder who was calling. Just like I failed to keep my cool around the person whose life I was about to make very complicated. Just like my birth control failed me a few weeks ago. There was one thing that I didn’t fail though. That was the pregnancy test I held limply before me. I checked and rechecked to no avail. A plus sign means pregnant.

My eyes quickly welled and fat droplets splashed on my hand and on the little screen that betrayed me. That test was such a small thing. So brittle and stupid, I could snap it in two. It seemed absurd to me that something so miniscule could cause such an upheaval in someone’s life. Here was a useless piece of trash telling me that my life was going to change forever.

I placed it on the shelf by the toilet and dropped my head to my hands, allowing the tears to flow freely. Due in the restaurant this evening, I resolved to ask Sonia to cover for me. There would be a lot of tears before I was finished here. I thought about telling her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. How do you start that conversation?
Hi Sonia, what are the specials tonight? By the way, I’m pregnant.
What would she say?

Still sitting on the toilet, I considered my options. Abortion? Adoption? For some reason, both those felt wrong to me. If I were to choose either, I would be combating some deeper desire that was finally battling its way to the surface. It suddenly occurred to me that I
wanted
this baby. Sure, maybe it wasn’t how I imagined this moment. But I could be a good mother; I
would
be a good mother.
Then there’s the restaurant to consider
, another voice chimed in,
isn’t that your baby too?
No,
this
is my baby. My fingertips grazed across my belly as I tried to imagine what our future would hold.

Sadness and hopefulness filled my stomach until I thought I might vomit. Fear and joy made extremely unappealing bedfellows. There was only one thing I could be certain about now. I would need to tell Cole. Whatever our history, however we left things, he had a right to know that he was going to have a child in the world.

I fumbled around in the bathroom, cleaning myself up. I opted to leave the test on the shelf, lest I forget that it was real and convince myself that this was all a bad dream. I took a moment to fix my face in the bathroom mirror, whipping away the streaks of mascara that decorated my cheeks. I splashed a little cold water on my face, hoping to calm some of the redness and puffiness around my eyes. After doing my best to look human again, I went to find my phone.

It was sitting on my coffee table, looking threatening in its neon blue rubber case. Picking up the phone would be the first challenge. I could manage that. I just had to reach out and grab it.

I did.

As I woke it up, I noticed a missed call from Cole. The universe, it would seem, has a sense of humor. I hadn’t heard from Cole in almost two weeks. Now, he was calling me at the exact moment when I need to talk to him most. I tried to call this a sign and take heart from it. Then I remembered that I didn’t believe in signs. That sort of mumbo-jumbo belonged to my mother. Whatever. Pulling up Cole’s number, I closed my eyes and hit call.

“Moneka?”

His voice sounded surprised with a smattering of desperate. Only now did it occur to me to wonder why he had called.

“Cole. Hi.”

“Thank you for calling me back. I really want to talk to you. I know you must…”

“I want to talk to you too.” Every word I uttered was effort.

“Yeah? Is everything OK?”

“Well. Yes. Look, I don’t want to do this over the phone.” I felt gravity weighing my tongue down. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get the rest of this out.

“You want to meet? Tomorrow for lunch maybe?”

“NO! I mean, yes I want to meet. But I want to meet now.”

“Now?”

“Yes, do you think you can come over? To my place? I know you’ve never been, but my address is on all of your invoices.”

“Yeah, NOW now? Or, after work…”

“NOW…please.” I hung up the phone. I knew that was all I’d be able to say under the circumstances.

The next hour was the third longest of my life. The longest was the hour I spent waiting for Kaila to come out of the emergency room. The second longest was the hour I spent waiting for Kaila to wake up. I wanted to hate Cole for making me wait another hour of my life away, but I knew that wouldn’t be rational. The sounds of saws and drills in the background made it very clear that he was on the job. I practiced being patient and respectful. Besides, it gave me more time to look like I hadn’t been crying in the bathroom only moments ago.

When I finally heard his knock on the door, my heart skipped a beat. For a crazy moment, I tried to think of some other pretense for asking him over here. Suddenly telling him that I was pregnant with his child felt like an epic mistake. It would disgust him.
I
would disgust him. With a bolstering breath, I opened the door.

A herd of quashed emotions came charging back when I saw his face. I’d never wanted to hug and kiss and punch someone with such equal vigor. He looked good, I had to admit it. He was growing a little facial hair and it suited his bone structure nicely. It made him look older, more mature, more like the kind of man I’d hoped to deliver this news to. I took another breath.

“Come in, Cole.”

With one hand I ushered him inside. Quickly, I took a seat at one of the dining room chairs, indicating that he should sit across from me.

“Hi Moneka.”

He sat down cautiously. I could tell I was really messing with his head right now. I had the air of woman who was getting ready to ask for a divorce.

“Moneka,” he spoke again once he was seated. “I really need to tell you something.”

“Same here.”

“Please, just let me get mine out first. I..”

“Cole, this is serious. I really need you to listen to me.”

“Moneka, I came all this way, didn’t I? Obviously I care about you. I just need to get this out…”

I was starting to get angry. This was
not
how I pictured this going. Why wouldn’t he just let me say what I needed to say instead of being his usual stubborn self? I made fists with both hands, rearing up to get into yet another fight. “Cole, I swear to God, I need you to…”

“Need me to what? Shut up? Because what I have to say isn’t important? No, you’re right Moneka, it’s never as important as…”

“Cole I’m
pregnant
.”

I put a lot of extra punch behind the word, arming it, shaping it into a weapon. Closing my eyes, I bit my lip a little to relax. It was not my intention to throw it at him. I’d wanted to hand it to him, offer it to him. I’d wanted this to go delicately and, I don’t know, maybe he’d soften a little and we could find a little of what we’d lost.

“You’re what?”

“Pregnant.”

“Ah.”

I watched him closely. I could see the wheels spinning inside. Were they going to spin into a smile or a frown? Right when I was ready to throw the towel in on Cole, I noticed a faint glimmer in his eye. His expression softened into a smile. I guessed it just took guys a little extra time to process the word ‘pregnant’.

“That’s wonderful.”

“Really?” I asked cautiously.

“Really, it’s more than wonderful. It’s amazing.”

I dared myself to be a little happy. “I’m sorry I shouted it at you. That’s not how I wanted to say it…”

“No no, it’s ok. I wasn’t giving you much of a choice.”

Cole reached out and placed his hand on mine. I’d forgotten about that hand and was shocked to realize how much I’d missed it. It was heavy and smooth in a way no other man’s hand could be and it weighed down mine with perfect gravity.

“So,” I offered. “What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

Cole laughed. “Perfect timing really. You see, I realized something today. Something I should have known the moment we made love in my apartment. In fact, I think I did know it, but I was too afraid to believe it.” He squeezed my hand firmly. “Moneka, I love you. I don’t mean in the way a friend loves friend. I am horrifically, painfully, disgustingly, awesomely, amazingly in love with you. There are not enough ‘ly’ words in the English language to describe the joy and the anguish that this process has caused me.” With a thin sigh he looked up and caught my eyes. “I want to be with you. I don’t care what anyone thinks or what anyone says. And this baby? It’s just…proof that it was meant to be.”

“Meant to be huh?”

“Yeah”

I gave him a wry grin. “You sound like my mother.”

“Well, your mother is a very wise woman.” He lifted my hand and kissed it before pulling me forward and locking his lips onto mine.

There we were, trapped in a perfect moment, each leaning over the dining table to let the other know that it was ok. Love was ok. Babies were ok. We were going to be ok too.

O
nce again
, the dynamic duo found themselves at Elysian Fields. This time, I was the one who invited my father there. I briefly relished the shock in his voice when I asked him to meet me there for brunch and a few holes. I’m certain he thought I was dying or had lost my senses to invite him on such an outing. Secretly, I hoped that, by preparing him to assume the worst, I’d be setting him up to love the news I was about to deliver. Unless, of course, telling him that I was in love with Moneka and we were having a baby together counted as the worst he might be assuming. In that case, I was screwed.

I’d taken care to dress up for the occasion. I even went so far as to briefly consider the plaid shorts that these clowns seemed to find so fulfilling. However, I’d landed on a pair of tan khakis, a light green undershirt, and a white sweater with a green border on the neck and cuffs.

I’d also made sure to secure my father’s table in the corner of the clubhouse. That’s where he found me, martini in hand, watching squirrels and wondering if my child would grow up to love places like this. Maybe it would be better to keep it a secret after all.

“You seem very far away,” he said, taking no pains to hide his concern as he seated himself across from me.

“Just enjoying the view. Your martini is on the way.”

“I would accept nothing less.” He said this as he tipped his fingers toward me sweater. “Got some reason why you wanted to dress like Arnold Palmer?”

I chuckled. “Well, you see, I love his lemonade and ice tea’s. I think they’re just swell.”

“Alright kid. Cut it out. What’s this really about.”

“It’s not about anything. Can’t a son invite his Dad out for an afternoon of golf? Who knows, maybe I’ll love it. Maybe my tastes are changing.”

He eyed me with obvious suspicion. Thankfully, his martini arrived right on cue and rescued me from having to explain any further. For a brief time, we were not father and son. I was not hiding a pregnancy from him and he was not trying to puzzle out what kind of cancer I obviously had. We were just two blokes at the country club, enjoying our martinis and talking about the best club to use out of the rough when it’s still wet from last night’s rain. In truth, I had no idea what club was the best to use. But I argued with him nonetheless. It made him happy to be right.

Our second round of martinis was accompanied by some oysters on the half shell. My mouth watered at the sight of those juicy crustaceans, breaded and seasoned to perfection. I made a mental note to tell Moneka that if she wasn’t in the shellfish business, she needed to get there fast. Nothing satisfied a hungry drunk more.

“So, how are things going with the Mrs.?” I steered the conversation in another direction, continuing to avoid the inevitable.

“Perfect. She’s a real peach.”

“Jesus Dad, show your age why don’t you?”

“I call ‘em like I see ‘em and she’s a peach. She’s a hell of a cook too. I can see where Moneka gets it from.”

I winced at the sound of Moneka’s name. I reminded me too much of what I’d come here to do.

“So it’s working out huh? I’m happy for you. It was an odd start, but it sounds like it was all for the best.”

“You could say that.”

“Yeah, I mean,” I started trying to put my feelers out. “Not every relationship has to start the traditional way. There are all kinds of relationships, all kinds of ways to live your life right?”

“Right.” My Dad’s eyes became hawk-like slits. “That’s pretty mature of you, son. It’s not too long ago I remember you laughing this whole thing off.”

“Well, people change and tastes change right Dad?”

“I guess so.”

I reached out for another oyster, ready to slip it’s delectable contents into my mouth, when my Dad reached out and caught my hand. The feeling of his hand on mine startled me. We were not ‘touchy-feely’ sort of people. We rarely hugged. I never thought about how odd it was, but even his hand touching mine felt more alien to me than if an actual alien were to land his UFO in the center of the parlor and reach out to me a-la E.T.

“What’s this about, son.” His tone was gentle. He really did look like he thought I might be dying and I suddenly felt very guilty about the whole thing. I resolved to put him out of his misery.

“Here’s the thing Dad. Moneka and I. Well, I don’t really know how to say this in a way that’s not going to make it sound weird.”

“Moneka?”

“We’re in love. The two of us. I know it’s weird, but the truth is we had feelings for each other before you and Louise even met.” I waited, panicked. My stomach felt like it might fly away. The oysters on the half shell we’re suddenly no longer my friends, as they threatened to make an encore appearance on my plate.

“Son.”

I concentrate hard on the tablecloth in front of me.

“Son, look at me.”

I looked up, worried about the brand of disgust I would see looming there.

“It’s ok.”

“It is?’

“Of course it is. Don’t be so dramatic. You’re not related, Christ, Louise and I aren't even married. You're not even step-related. You barely know each other. It’s the perfect recipe for love.” He grinned.

I felt the air thickening around me. My stomach settled back in place and I could no longer swear that I felt the rotation of the Earth. Phase one was a complete and my Dad seemed pleased.

“Thank goodness it was only that. Jesus Cole, the way you dragged me out here, I thought you were dying or something.”

“Well, you see the thing is. It’s not just that.” Here was the real kicker.

I could only imagine the horror that would soon be on his face.

“It’s not?” When I didn’t immediately respond, he followed up with “spit it out son.”

“Well, so it’s possible that she could be pregnant.”

“Possible?”

“In that…she is pregnant. And I’m the father.”

My Dad was silent for entirely too long. He appeared to be contemplating something, probably how to most efficiently to smack me upside the head for being an idiot. I wanted him to say something. I
willed
him to say something. Finally, the silence broke me.

“I mean she was on the pill. It’s just…one of those things, you know? It’s only like 98% effective…”

“Cole, relax.” When he looked up, he was smiling. I briefly considered the possibility that I might be going crazy. “It’s ok.”

“It is?”

“Cole, it’s better than ok.”

“Excuse me?”

I must not be hearing this right. Obviously, my father had been abducted and the alien wearing his skin was performing some kind of psychological experiment on me. My Dad cleared his throat and leaned forward over the table. He carefully selected one of the oysters and ate it with a fork. He then took a calculated sip of his martini and placed it down, rolling the stem between his thumb and forefinger.

“Look Cole, I know you think I’m some kind of conservative hard-ass with high expectations. And in your defense, I’ve done my fair share of criticizing people for the choices they make. However, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. You’re never too old to learn something new. The man I was when I raised you is not the same man that’s talking to you today.”

“So, you don’t like golf anymore?”

“Can it, smart-ass. Of course I like golf. It’s a great game. Some things won’t change no matter how badly you will them to.” He grinned. “And that little spud of yours is going to learn to love it too.” He sighed and sipped again from his glass. “When I met Louise. Well, let’s just say she was the best thing to happen to me since your mother. I never thought I could feel like that again. Honest to God, I thought I was in for a lonely old age. She was so spunky too. When I met her in Vegas, I thought she was a little off her rocker at first. Then I looked mirror at this gray hair and these fine wrinkles and I said ‘what the hell’. This is the only life I have and I don’t know how much more of it I’m going to enjoy.”

“Dad, don’t talk like that. You’re not
that
old.”

“No, but I will be. And so will you.”

“Thanks.”

“What…it’s true. Whether you like it or not.” He paused again and I saw a memory cloud over his eyes. He looked out the window at a gray squirrel hiding a nut in a tuft of grass. “Did I ever tell you that when I met your mother, I waited two whole years to ask her out?”

“No. Why?”

“I was in school. I didn’t want to compromise my studies with romantic nonsense. I figured I’d have the chance to get into all that after graduation, which was only six months away. So graduation came and went and when I was finally ready to dive in, she was dating this schmuck named
Daniel
. We stayed in touch. We ran in the same group. When she and Daniel broke up, I waited as long as seemed appropriate. Then I finally asked. At the time, it didn’t seem like such a big deal. I’d had two more years of freedom and in the end I’d gotten the girl. But when your mother was dying ten years ago, you know what I was thinking?”

“What?” I thought I felt myself getting a little choked up.

“I was thinking that I could have had two more years with her if I hadn’t waited.”

“Oh.”

That
oh
hung in the air between us filled with all the things I couldn’t say to my Dad. We Saunders boys were terrible at this sort of thing. My Dad offered an awkward laugh to challenge the silence then cleared his throat.

“What I’m saying is, when you know what you want, don’t wait. Life’s too short and unpredictable for you to waste your time worrying about what other people will think. If you want to be with Moneka and you want to raise this child, do it. That’s it. That’s as complicated as it should be.”

His speech finally ended, my Dad sat back in his chair and placed his hands near his belly like he had just eaten a large meal. He seemed very satisfied with the wisdom he had just imparted.

“Don’t be like me Cole,” he said as he tipped back the last of his drink. “Don’t wait until you’re in your 60’s to realize that living is for living.” With a wink, he wiped his chin and announced, “Now, who’s ready to play golf?”